The grip around his neck was tight, but not tight enough to block his breathe, well it’s not even hard enough to leave a red mark. But despite so, his breathing was so shallow and rapid, lips turning a bit bluish, cold sweat forming and body heat decreasing even though his heart beating so erratically. One look and everybody can see that he’s having a panic attack, or more like shocked beyond belief. His eyes almost fluttered close and the strength of his legs gave up.

If not for the tight hold of his neck, he would already planting his face on the dirty toilet’s floor.

“Woah, woah! Donghae are you okay?” Eunhyuk questioned the limping boy in front of him, grabbing him securely by the shoulder with both his hands when Donghae starting to fall down. “Hey, you’re still alive right? I didn’t choke you, did I?”

Donghae wheezing through his lips, trying his hardest to settle his knees on the floor and both hands grabbing on Eunhyuk’s arms.

“Come on, I didn’t choke you right? Calm your nerves.”

“You… Choke on… My… Soul…” he wheezed pathetically.

Eunhyuk’s eyes widen in surprise by the words, didn’t take long for him to laugh loudly at the limping boy’s face, “you are so funny Donghae! I can’t believe you really said that!”

Seriously, Donghae would find it funny too if not for the matter in front of him. He feels like crying, screaming, passing out and shaking the person before him violently, what else he can do? He feels betrayed, broken hearted and most of all there is a part of him still denying the fact vehemently. But as he slide down to the floor and Eunhyuk bending to keep his hold over Donghae, the crotch area is still clear to see to him. Oh, he’s really beginning to think he would pass out in a few seconds later.

“Why…?” he whined sounding so hurt.

Eunhyuk stop laughing, eyes inspecting the weakening boy thoroughly as he squatting down to level their eyes.

“Let’s just say I was expected to do this… I can’t tell you why,” Eunhyuk smiled sadly.

“How you…” Donghae frowned not getting how Eunhyuk is still able to laugh when he’s supposed secret discovered by him, “aren’t you scared I would tell on you…?”

Eunhyuk chuckled humorlessly, “if you did then… It just it,” he shrugs.

“So… Even if I threating you to explain it to me… You wouldn’t?”

“No,” Eunhyuk answered firmly, eyes swimming in fear and sadness, “even if you tell the whole school, I won’t tell you why… But I will be gone from here the moment they know my identity.”

Right then Donghae realized how actually the whole thing is making Eunhyuk uneasy and scared, and the laughing is just his defense mechanism. Behind all of the smile and calmness, Donghae could notice how tears b and hopelessness filling those sad dark brown eyes.

“I won’t,” he said almost instinctively as realization hit him.

“What?” Eunhyuk looked more than surprised and confused.

“I won’t tell anybody,” he explained with determination, eyes focused to Eunhyuk.

A frown formed on Eunhyuk’s face, showing uncertainty, confusion and distrust yet he didn’t say anything, letting the silence wraps them in the empty toilet. Eventually a smile drawn on those plump lips even though still painted with mixed feeling but it caused Donghae’s heart skip a beat, because he saw a bit relief in it and how beautiful it is.

“Thank you,” Eunhyuk muttered between his curled up lips, the light in his eyes soften and Donghae never feels better to witness it even when he had messed feeling with what’s happening right now.

“I’m sorry…” Donghae muttered lowly more because of feeling ashamed and guilty, somehow these feeling overlapping his feeling of being betrayed and conned. But Eunhyuk didn’t say anything to the apology, merely staring deep into the other boy, waiting for the next words to come out.

“I shouldn’t be so curious… I shouldn’t do any of this… I’m sorry if I made you feel cornered, but this won’t happen if you didn’t do it in the first place! You should lie…” he said almost in whisper at the last three words. Who is he kidding? He’s no one to Eunhyuk, they’re just classmate and not a close one at that, so how could he demand and said all that to Eunhyuk when he know nothing? But he can’t help it, he can’t ward off the feeling of being betrayed and conned even when he want nothing than to make Eunhyuk smile cheerfully again, that a part of him could take in the fact and ready to forgive the other boy’s deed.

Still Eunhyuk smiling his sad smile at the blame, not saying anything to defend himself, clenching Donghae’s heart painfully at the sight of it.

“What else can I do…” he answered so dreadfully low and tainted with pain. He then sighed resignedly, “I will be honest with you Donghae because at least you deserve it, I’m sorry, I really am sorry.”

“For what…?”

“Because I knew your feelings, yet still I didn’t cut you off, I shouldn’t have keep you hoping when nothing would come out from it. So I’m sorry, I really am…”

Anger rouse up inside Donghae’s heart, tears b in his eyes unknown to himself because of what, the anger or the fact that his love is hopeless? That his feeling is rejected in the most unexpected way?

“Honestly, I’m happy… I’m happy to receive such a genuine feeling from you, everyone seems to like me but it’s merely admiration. And even if they really like or love me, they seems to like the image of me not the real me. I don’t know how, but somehow I’ve got a feeling yours is different… Though it hurts me too knowing I couldn’t do anything about it. The thought that at least someone saw me really makes me happy… So I’m sorry Donghae, you don’t have to forgive me but I just want to tell you that I’m sorry, I meant it,” he said with eyes wet from tears.

Donghae couldn’t say anything, he just slumped frozen to the dirty floor, back glued to the cold wall for all are too much for him to take on at once. But he could sense how anger dissipating slowly even though it’s still very much there.

Euhyuk reaching out his hand to hold Donghae’s hand, slowly and firmly filled with remorse, “thank you for all Donghae… And I’m sorry.”

He’s standing up then leaving Donghae as he walks away with every each step he made echoes painfully in Donghae’s head.

Donghae stilled to the ground as his heart break into pieces and time seems to stop for him.

--

It’s been weeks and still Donghae haunted with images of Eunhyu