With that self promise, 3 months later I was sitting in a plane heading to the land of royals, London. I don’t exactly know what I’m going to say to her. There are just so many things to say. I needed to explain myself to her. I missed my best friend. How am I going to tell her? I wanted so badly for her to know my true feelings but I was afraid of losing her friendship. But I am a different man now. Braver and bolder. So after a aching 12 hours flight from Incheon I arrived at Heathrow Airport. The bustling airport was crowded and packed with travellers coming in and out of the airport. With my single luggage I took the famous London tube towards South Kensington where Sophie was studying. Sophie in college, I thought. She always had a good brain in her head. Thinking of her always made me smile. Upon arriving in South Kensington, I checked my bags to the hotel and immediately headed out towards Reagents Park. I knew she stayed at Park Crescent which was south of the park. Her mom gave her address to me without haste or me on both my knees. Sophie’s mom was more than happy when I told her I wanted to fly out to see Sophie. She even packed a little present in a yellow box wrapped with a red ribbon. I needed to scout her out first before ringing her doorbell. I sat on a bench at the park that had a view of Sophie’s house. The park was beautiful with the lake glistening under the bright sun. The trees were lush green and the little flowers along the walk way flourished in vibrant shades of blue, pink, yellow, orange and red. Spring was in full bloom. There were so many people lazing at the park. Some had picnics, some were playing soccer, and some were rowing little canoes in the lake. Everyone around me had a jolly and cheerful vibe to them.  Yet I was restlessly sitting on the white wooden bench. I was nervous and agitated. Nothing felt right. What would she say when she sees me? Will she hate me? A million thoughts ran through my head. I got cold feet. Maybe this was a mistake. Was I expecting her to welcome me with open arms?

“The first date boy?” an old man probably in his late 60s asked. He had a Scottish accent. He was wearing a brown tweed jacket over a white polo and carried a dark chocolate cane. He did a hat tip at me by taking off his grey flat cap that had herringbone patterns on it. I smiled sincerely at him.

“May I?” he asked pointing at the sit next to me. I hurriedly took the present and the bouquet of sunflowers that were next to me to allow the old man to sit.

“Your first date ay boy?” he asked again.

“No it’s not a date. I just came to see a friend.” I explained while trying to control my stutter.

“I’ve seen a lot of people on pins and needles and sailors peeing themselves before war. Your anxious boy and it’s because of a girl. The flower and present sort of gave you away.” He smiled cockily. I chuckled nervously unknowing of what to say.

My attention was quickly captured by something else. I gulped hard. From where I was sitting I could clearly see a young woman in a pretty magenta sundress with white trainers walking from the corner of the street. Her black leather messenger bag was sling to the side. Her brown chestnut hair seemed lighter under the glowing sunlight. Sophie was as beautiful as I remembered. My heart was pounding so hard I could clearly hear them banging on my rib cage. I have loved her since god knows when but all I know is she is the one. I inhaled deeply in my attempts to calm my nerves. I took a step forward then another. I stop dead in my tracks after two steps. You can do this, screamed the little voices in my head. I was shaking in cold sweat but this was all or nothing. I had to fulfil that self promise I made.

The old man noticed what I was staring at. He patted me on the shoulders and said,

“Well what are you waiting for boy? Get the girl.”

And the next thing I knew, I was ringing her doorbell with a flower and present in hand.

“Coming” shouted a voice from the other side of the door. Moments later the door swung open and she was standing there in front of me. I was awestruck. Her delicate demeanour was as vivid as I remembered when we last saw each other in person and that was when we were 18. Her hair was pulled back into a lazy ponytail. Her doe eyed glare was piercing right through me. She took a whole minute just staring blankly at me.

“Oh my God! Seunghyun it’s really you!” she screamed in both disbelief and joy. She ran towards me and hugged me so tightly. Her head reached my chest that the peachy aroma of her shampoo wafted into my nose and it was intoxicating, sending a wave of euphoria crashing through my insides. Yes, she is my best friend but my feeling of love for her was never how a friend should love a friend. I craved for more. Her arms were around me and I felt like coming home as warmth settled in my longing heart. Suddenly she began hitting my arm frantically.

“No calls, no text, no facetime, no updates, no nothing, total social media lockdown. Two years Seunghyun. I thought you hated me. Why didn’t you answer my calls? You could have dropped me a simple text like hey I’m ALIVE!” she shouted hysterically while hitting me brutally. I noticed that her Korean seem to have an accent to it as if she was never born and raised in Korea.

“Stop, stop Sophie.” I grabbed both her arms so she would stop hitting me. She began to calm down. She sighed heavily and invited me into her house.

It was a beautiful small terrace house a little messy with books piling left and right but all seem kept well and organized. I hung my black trench coat on the coat rack by the door. It was then that I noticed a few coats were of men’s. She led me to the small living room. There was a painting by Johannes Vermeer, Girl with a Pearl Earring on the wall hanging above the bricked fireplace. The white couch was comfy with a wooden coffee table in the middle. Stacked on the walls were books, books and more books.  

“Do you want anything? Coffee? Alcohol? I have brandy.” She offered.

“Brandy would be fine.”

She handed me the snifter that contained dark brown liquid and sat facing me. I stared at her and she stared at me with silence standing in between us. There was a huge block of awkwardness but her stare told a different story. She wanted explanations. I’m sorry were the first words that came out of my mouth.

“Two years Seunghyun. You disappeared on me. I asked your mom, Hye yoon unnie, Jiyong, Daesung, Youngbae, Maknae. No one knew where you were. It was as if you fell off the grid. For all I know you could have been dead.”

“Life got to me.” I answered. Short and simple. I couldn’t look her to her face so I simply stared at the glass in my hands. My fingers were fiddling with the brim of the glass.

“That’s what friends are for. We tell each other our problems. I would have dropped everything if you needed me.”

That was exactly what I was afraid of. If she found out about my cancer she would have dropped everything here to come home to Seoul. I didn’t want her to jeopardize her future for me. I was just a friend.

“Just let these slip ok? It’s the past. So how are you now?” I asked in my attempts to divert the topic.

“Okay I guess. Just the usual busy with school and all.”

We were then interrupted by a jingle of keys at her front door and the click of the lock.

“Babe I’m home!” shouted a male’s voice. His English accent was so thick that if he was saying a very long sentence I wouldn’t have been able to comprehend. Babe? With that one simple word, my tiny glimmer of hope diminished into nothingness. She’s dating someone. I was too late.

“You have company?” the red haired man who just entered the house asked. He pecked Sophie softly on the lips while eyeing me sharply. He had faint freckles on his cheeks and reddish complexion. His hair was slick smooth with an angular fringe and you can actually spot grey streaks of hair in his magnificently bright red head. He wore a black shirt that hugged his torso so snugly that the buttons were waiting to burst open. He must have saved the world in his previous life because his chiselled cheeks were so well crafted. I would have naively believed if I was told he was the male model for Calvin Klein.

“Babe this is Seunghyun.” Sophie excitedly introduced as she tugged at his fingers, pulling him into the living room.

“Bloody hell, Choi Seunghyun? Very nice to finally meet you. Sophie has told me all about you. I’m Ethan by the way.” he smiled sincerely at me whilst handing out his right hand for a handshake. I grabbed his palm in mine and smiled with a little nod. I hated his charm. He looked so perfect and as much as I hated to admit it, he complemented Sophie in ways I never could have. They looked perfect together.

“So when did you arrive?”

“This morning.” I answered simply as my fingers continued to fiddle the glass in my hand. Honestly I didn’t want to talk to him at all.

“Okay, you must be exhausted from your flight. You should at least stay for dinn