“Okay Mr Choi, today we are going to start your first chemotherapy with minimal dose so we can see how progressive the tumour is and through this we can determine whether it is benign or is it malignant. Apart from that we can see how your body responds to treatment so we can fine tune your next treatment.”

The young doctor explained enthusiastically at me. I couldn’t really hear what he was saying because whatever he had to say to me was passing me by like an invisible shadow. My head wasn’t with me. My mind drifted. The huge therapy room had four blue coloured couch next to one another. Each had a weird looking machine next to it and that tall stick where they hang the IV bags. All the other chairs were vacant except where I sat quietly staring out the window in front of me. I could clearly see Seoul’s magnificent skyline right in front of my eyes. It was starting to get real bright and sunny outside. The clouds were white and poofy that they reminded me of cotton candy. She used to love cotton candy, I thought to myself.

“After this first round of treatment you will undergo major physical deterioration. Common ones are loss of hair, vomiting, weight lost and discoloration of the skin.” The young doctor continued to babble. I was snapped back to reality when I felt my right hand being squeezed lightly by umma. I turned to look at her. My beautiful umma. Usually her façade would not give away her age but today the creases on her face aged her. The worry was painted clearly across her frowned face and I could without a doubt see tears starting to form in her eyes. Her eyes twinkled not with happiness but sheer pain.

“You don’t have to be here umma. I’m going to be fine. Just wait for me in my room.” I softly uttered to her. A single drop of tear trickled down her cheeks. She caressed my hair and down to my cheeks.

“Why do these things happen to you my sweet sweet darling boy?”

“Don’t say that. I’m going to be fine. I’m strong.” I assured her and kissed her hands. She stood up and kissed both my cheeks and walked out of the room with a second glance looking concerned at me. I smiled and waved her goodbye.

I looked at the nurse by my side. She was busy connecting and clicking things on the monitor next to me. She hung a bright orange bag that had a skull picture on it indicating it as hazardous. Minutes later I could feel the searing heat running through my veins. First they were in my left arm then it was all over me. I wanted to cry and scream in agony. Maybe if I scream loud enough the pain will go away. I could feel myself radiating. If this was a superhero movie I felt like Bruce Banner transforming into the hulk. Moments later I saw nothing but pitch black.

I was diagnosed with what the doctors like to say in fancy terms squamous lung cell carcinoma or in simple words lung cancer. It started when I kept coughing up blood and every single trip to the next door bakery left me panting and helplessly catching my breath. It’s been well over a year since the hospital became my second home and my body is constantly being brutalized by the surgery and needle pierces and radiation and chemotherapy.