2015

When I opened my eyes, Krystal was nowhere to be found.

I wondered if the lingering memory was just a dream, but then I saw some strands of her hair on the pillow beside mine. The clock on the wall said it was already 11 a.m., yet the sky outside was dark like it was just early hours after dawn. I wanted to bury myself back under the blanket, but my stomach began to growl. I realized that the last time I ate was during lunch yesterday.

“Taemin, let’s have a brunch,” I called out for my twin brother whose room was just across from mine.

There was no answer. I opened his door, but there was no one. I assumed that Taemin was out to check the vineyard or he was taking a walk, a routine he did in Bordeaux. As I walked towards the stairs, I passed by Krystal’s room. The door was slightly opened and when I wanted to knock, I caught a glimpse of the brother I had been looking for.

He was there. His hands cupping Krystal’s face and they were kissing.

Taemin and Krystal kissed.

It was not only my heart that froze at the moment, but my body as well. As much as I wanted to leave the scene, I somehow couldn’t feel my feet. I know I was supposed to leave and stopped torturing myself with what I saw, but it seemed like my mind refused to give a command for me to walk away.

It was not jealousy that hit me inside. I was feeling betrayed.

But then I remembered something; Krystal was not even mine.

From the little space between the door and the wall, I saw Taemin pulled himself away from her lips.

“Now you choose,” he said, still with his hands on Krystal’s face, “it’s either me or you choose neither of us.”

“But you don’t love me,” she replied, smiling bitterly.

“And you don’t love him either,” Taemin’s voice was stern, his eyes were sharp, “but he loves you and that’s the problem.”

I realized that he was referring to me.

“Why do you care so much about love?” Krystal asked back.

“I don’t. And so do you,” Taemin answered, “that’s why I ask you to choose.”

“But you don’t give me any choice!” Krystal raised her tone. She was frustrated.

“Because you don’t have any,” in contrary, Taemin’s voice was gradually getting colder.

Krystal looked away from Taemin. She got up from her bed and approached the window. With a lighter that I had given to her as her birthday gift last year, she lighted a cigarette with her head hung low.

Taemin came towards her. He touched her chin, raising it so that her eyes met his directly.

“Look, Krystal, we are Siamese twins,” Taemin said, “two ego-centric, manipulative, selfish bastards who act like the world revolves around us. Can’t you see? We are incapable of loving someone.”

As Taemin moved her hand to hold her cheek, Krystal slowly raised her hand and held his wrist. She continued smoking with her right hand, but her fingers were shaking. I could see confusion in her gesture, while Taemin was just as calm as a psychopath.

But again, he was always like that. Empathy didn’t really take its part in Taemin’s world.

“What is love to us, Krys? We only know how to create chaos, not order. We bring destruction to the universe. Not only to things, but also to them; people who love us,” Taemin took the cigarette from Krystal’s lips, on it and threw the remaining out of the window.

“That’s why you can’t be with Kai. I don’t want him to end up with someone like me,” Taemin moved his hands to hold her shoulder and moved his face closer to her, “and this is probably the best thing that I’ve ever done for him.”

Taemin stepped back, releasing her from his grasp. Still in his calm yet deadly gesture, he took a bottle of half-emptied wine and drank it right away. He wiped his lips with his fingers and handed the bottle to Krystal who was standing with her arms crossed.

She hesitated for a moment before taking the bottle from his hand. Instead of gulping down the wine, she held the bottle loosely between her fingers, swinging it beside her body. Her eyebrows furrowed, creating thin lines on her forehead as she stared into an empty space beyond the window.

I was willing to trade all daisies in the world if that would make me able to read her mind.

“What are you afraid of?” asked Krystal without looking at Taemin, “That he’s going to end up like us?”

Taemin shook his head. “That he’s going to love you forever.”

Krystal stared at Taemin like she was seeing a ghost. Her body tensed up; she raised her head and closed her eyelids. She sighed heavily, as if the burden on her shoulders were eating her soul little by little.

“Nothing is forever,” she mumbled.

“Yeah. That’s what you are afraid of, right?” Taemin smirked.

He mouthed the word ‘for-e-ver’ with his lips, inaudibly. I could see a diamond falling off Krystal’s eyes, right through her cheek, chin, and fell right away on the carpet.

She cried. And as much as I felt anger rising inside me, I could feel her pain like it was me who experienced it. My eyes were blurry. I thought I started crying, but alas, it was telepathy.

If Taemin was her Siamese twin by mind, then I was her Siamese twin by heart.

And it was always a battle between the heart and the mind.

She cried. Krystal cried.

Then I knocked the door.