I trace his lips with my small fingers. The growing smile on his face lightens everything up. The light-colored walls and silk sheets and his smile make everything better. I’ve been traveling back and forth and finally, I can be somewhere familiar, his arms. His hands reach for my hair as I rest my head on his chest. We’re silent and the calm, crashing waves only soothe us into a peaceful state of love. A small smile creeps on to my face as I notice he’s been staring at me for the past five minutes. I roll my eyes, blushing and giggling like a school-girl. Before I can stand up, he grabs my hand and pulls me back against his chest. He wants to cuddle. We haven’t seen each other in months. A lot has changed and I know we have to talk about it but maybe he’s right, let’s just stay here for right now. 

I remember talking about things for hours that day. We fell hopelessly in love and there was no way we could stop that train from crashing. We were infatuated. We were in love. We were young. Three steps for disaster. I still remember the fights with a lingering sting of regret but what can I do to change the past? Nothing. Nothing can rid me of the small hint of sadness that haunts me every day. He haunts my sheets. He haunts every part of me. I see him now and then, he seems happy. I wish he could be happy with me but it’s not written in the stars for us. We had a good, painful run filled with magic and blinding love, but we can’t repeat the past. I’m moving away soon and I’m sure I don’t cross his mind often. The funny thing with love is that you can give it all. You can give yourself. You can give up everything for this one person who in the end might hurt you and break you like no other. You spend all this love on someone who might not give it back. And that’s fine, because you know what? You tried. 

You gave it your best and you pushed and pushed until your arms were sore and you just couldn’t do it anymore. You pushed until you knew you couldn’t go any farther. That’s what it felt like with him. We both pushed and we both hurt and we both cried and we both felt but we failed. We failed and in the end, that seems like the only thing that matters but guess what, it’s not. What matters is that you spent every waking minute loving that person. You gave it your all and if it didn’t work out then you will get up and love someone new, because that’s what life is for, to be loved and to be in love. 

I hated him yesterday but I’ll always love him any day of the week.  He’ll always bring a small to my face. His name will play his favorite song in my ears. His smile will make me blush in ten, twenty years. He might get married to someone new and I might cry that night. I’ll wish it was me and I’ll wish I could take it all back but I will watch him walk down the aisle with a smile on my face because I know he’s happy. I could tear down every single wall I built just to see him smile again, because for a while, he stopped. And that was my fault and I regret it to this day. We stopped becoming each other’s motivation. We stopped being friends. I think people forget that friendship is important in a relationship so it becomes about and petty fights when really, it’s about being there for them, it’s about telling each other your dreams at five in the morning watching the sun rise. It’s too late for us to go back. It’s too late for me to wake up in his arms, because someone else is occupying them. Someone else has his heart so I just have to sit back and try to move on. That’s the best I can do. Try.