◄ Five || hope, sometimes that's all you have

A committed relationship, as defined formally, is an ‘interpersonal relationship based upon a mutually agreed-upon commitment to one another involving exclusivity, love, trust, honesty, openness, or some other agreed-upon behavior’. --

Baekhyun, however, defines it differently.

‘A committed relationship.. is nothing more but a mutually agreed-upon relationship between two people, no more, no less.’

Byun Baekhyun is not new to committed relationships. He has had a fair share in his young adult lifetime. They either lasted long or short and fun or plain. The longest was the recent breakup that lasted for two long years. The shortest was a mere few months. The most fun relationship he had was with a girl his age, but that ended because both realized they saw each other as nothing more but close friends and he rather swung the other way. The most plain was with a guy three years his senior – mutually agreed to go out together and mutually agreed to separate. No relationship had dramatic post break up issues or even separation anxiety problems, at least on his end there wasn’t. Then again, for him, none was also ever deep.

Puppy shallow love, Baekhyun likes to describe his experiences, just never deep long lasted love. Maybe even take out the ‘love’, perhaps? Change it to mere infatuation is more probably suiting. No sparks, no electricity. No instant clicks. No overjoyed instances where tears of joy were shed, or even sadness or frustration.

There was exclusivity, Baekhyun never experienced being cheated on or played with. Probably the nearest is with that two year relationship where the guy is frolicked upon on by numerous others and flirting was unavoidable. But while he did feel a sting of jealousy over it, the issue had always been placed on the backburner. It hurts, yet at the same time – easily forgotten. Perhaps it is because deep down, while Baekhyun trusted his partners and they did back, the feelings were not enough to truly affect him.

None of his relationships went far deeper than the simple ‘commitment’ of an ‘official relationship’. There was no full honesty or trust where Byun Baekhyun was a hundred percent himself. Everything was just shallow. And all of Baekhyun’s past relationships only knew one side of him – his ‘strong, bright and happy self’.

Baekhyun’s relationships reflected his monochrome life – never held color. Touches of it, maybe. But never on the long run. It has always been plain different shades of gray.

With Chanyeol, on the other hand, he feels everything different – he feels everything colorful, everything meaningful, and everything worthwhile.

♣♣♣

It was still early sunrise that Baekhyun left Chanyeol and Kyungsoo’s home. The rough stormy weather had let up for a moment’s time. Baekhyun left with lingering warmth after a tight embrace with Kyungsoo, kissing Bacon’s nose who whined at his leave, and especially being engulfed, yet again, in Chanyeol’s arms for a shy embrace goodbye, a silent later hung in the air for their everyday late afternoon meetups.

There was a smile playing on his lips as Baekhyun walked back his own home after, for he knew from that moment on that his feelings for the blind man may be mutual.

He felt it on the way Chanyeol held him that early stormy morning. Felt it on the way his big hands were interlaced with his, tight with bond and assurance, causing sparks to run up and down his spine for just that minimal contact. Felt it twice more when he was still dazed in sleepiness yet aware enough to feel Chanyeol was nuzzling his nose on his hair, breathing deeply his scent, and then letting go of their interlaced hands just to envelop him whole with both his arms, close against him. Baekhyun’s heart fluttered then and he goes back to his peaceful slumber with a faint smile gracing his lips.

Baekhyun can feel that Chanyeol, too, felt something for him.

So even when he returns to a home silent, parents gone early for work, not even aware that their son had snuck out in the middle of the night – Baekhyun did not feel down. Even when he returns to an empty, cold and chilly household of his own – it did not affect him. Baekhyun returns back to sleep for the remainder of the morning on his own bed basking on the warmth of Chanyeol and his home and the other two that resides there with him.

Warmth of a first time, ever lovely, friendship and love.

On the other hand, Chanyeol felt afraid. Fear cages him when he hears Baekhyun’s laughter, echoing through the hallways of his house as he says his goodbyes. It encases him twice, constricting his heart in pain, when they both gave each other a last, rather awkward, embrace before Baekhyun leaves. And he feels his heart crack when he listens and hears their front door shut close and the only sounds left are of Kyungsoo’s and Bacon’s, no more Baekhyun’s amidst it all.

Because Chanyeol knew, from the moment he held Baekhyun in his arms that it is not only him who feels something – Baekhyun feels something for him too.

He felt it on the way Baekhyun cuddled against him. On the way Baekhyun squeezed their interlaced hands that he regrets, but not, deliberately doing. He felt it more when Baekhyun rested his face against the crook of his neck; doubly more at what he cannot mistake is a smile that matched the sigh he let out. And he felt it the most when Baekhyun gripped the front of his shirt, just coincidentally above his rapidly beating heart, tight until he has finally fallen asleep.

But now that Baekhyun has left, even with the homey sounds of Kyungsoo preparing breakfast and the feeling of Bacon swaying her tail as she sat curled beside him on the couch where it all happened. Even when the events of just early this morning kept replaying in his head – Chanyeol is just suddenly so, very, afraid.

Chanyeol looks out the window where he knew was to his right, perceiving the little amount of light that passes through. He brushes what he felt are tears welling up his eyes, a silent sniff amidst the tranquility that surrounded him, a contrast to the chaos in his mind.

♣♣♣

One would think that after Baekhyun had stayed the night at Chanyeol’s, coming in at an early three in the morning. That after opening a part of his life he had always been adamant to hide, feeling all sorts of shame be washed away by relief and honesty. That after receiving such warm physical contact and affection from the blind man – things would be different. But after that night, things returned to how they usually are between the two – like physical contact never existed.

Even though what happened that night cannot be denied and raced both their hearts: for its realness that both would like to keep and have more.

Ever since that night, Baekhyun had craved Chanyeol’s warm hands to hold his. He had craved to be enveloped, once again, in his utter comforting embrace. To be given a glimpse of what could be had Baekhyun’s feelings doubly more insufferable.

But after their late afternoon meetup just after that 3am event, Baekhyun remains shy and meek. Remains craving but keeping to himself. Because he can tell that Chanyeol, for some reason, would rather choose to go back to how they were before – distant in physical affection. Like Chanyeol’s act of fondness, almost aching to something like love – he would like to believe – that Baekhyun surely felt that morning, was nothing more but.. a made up memory.

So even if the feeling is unbearable, painful, Baekhyun wills himself to stay away and keep distance. The worry of ruining their friendship for what it already is was still the first in his mind.

Ever since that night, Chanyeol had craved Baekhyun’s warmth against his doubly times more. He wanted nothing more but to bring the smaller man into his arms, encase his hands in his, and just.. make him his.

But even if it’s painful, too painful it cracks his heart to, Chanyeol remains distant – far distant than before. Even if the feeling has become intolerable, that the will to give in is already at its brink – Chanyeol remains stubborn.

He refuses. Remains adamant on his decision even after knowing, feeling, that it may all definitely be mutual – keep his feelings to himself. He cannot. He must not. He will not.

Even if wanted.. so desperately desiring.

Their late afternoon meetups returned to how they have always been before. Chanyeol waiting for Baekhyun’s booming cheery voice or Baekhyun waiting for Chanyeol’s tall figure appearing from the distance with Bacon by his side. They sit beside each other, back the six, eight inches distance between them. Baekhyun talking about his day – whether it be a complain, a whine, or full of excitement – while Chanyeol listens with a fond smile. Chanyeol telling stories about the days he used to see, or how his days have been when not with the other, while Baekhyun listened and watched Chanyeol with a loving stare – feelings very much transparent if only the blind man could see. And of course, both having their usual deep contemplative conversations that are usually prompted by Baekhyun’s absentminded questions about life.

Although this time, both are bearing the pain of keeping their feelings to themselves.

♣♣♣

The air remains musk and moist due to the recent storms the past few weeks. It let ups a few days and returns later on, befalling rainfall like it wills no stopping anytime soon. The skies remain covered by dark gray clouds, masking the usual bright sunlight that hits the city on a nice day.

Before meeting the blind man, Baekhyun did not mind this weather; loved it, in fact. The sound of rain and thunder on a dim late afternoon was always easing to his nerve-wracked brain filled with worries and misery. Although it doubled the feeling of loneliness in him when he goes home to an empty household, he never minded.

And then he met Park Chanyeol, and what used to be a loved weather is then hated. Because it meant that meetings with the blind man would either be cancelled or cut short. And the last thing Baekhyun wanted these days is to separate with the man he has slowly fallen strongly for.

But loving this weather returns for him, when a new change is made…

On a usual dark cloudy afternoon, weeks after that 3am incident, Baekhyun looks up at the sky. How funny. It’s like the weather is reflecting his own feelings – gloomy and in a bit of pain, more even, perhaps – he would muse on an almost daily basis since then. Unbeknownst to him that it, too, reflects Chanyeol’s own.

They were seated inside the café Chanyeol frequents; the same café that Baekhyun first drew the image of the tall blind man that since then quadrupled in number – filling two whole sketchbooks, now a third.  Seated across each other, they had their usual conversations. Full of laughter like they are alone in their own world without a care of the people around them, engaging in small talks with the staff of the café that Baekhyun is more than delighted to have.

Ever since the weather had turned gloomy, they started hanging out indoors in this particular café. With neither voicing out that the need to see each other, be with each other, was always on their minds – a new routine is made to accommodate the rainy weather. It was Chanyeol who first suggested it, much to his inner conflict of regret but