“him”

The lights were turned off, and so were his thoughts. The feelings in his chest – he shut them down. Void of any emotion while lying on his bed, he could be compared to a lifeless person. Still the side of his stomach hurts. He gently touched it and whispered, “That bastard… considerate to the very end…” His eyelids slowly shut close.

“… and letting me punch him… is he an idiot...?”

Kim Jongdae almost fell asleep because of exhaustion. The fighting which drained his energy resulted to drowsiness. But as if he didn’t deserve at least one wink of sleep, beside him, the screen of his phone illuminated the dark room. His ringtone broke the silence. Someone was calling him.

SMA 2014.

2014’s Seoul Music Awards had ended. He was chilling in the living room while the other members were either busy sleeping, browsing the internet, or doing something personal. Baekhyun, for example, just stepped out of the bathroom clearly filled with anticipation. Maybe because he’s going to contact someone? After all, he had been busy with his phone for the past few weeks. Typing here, typing there, going some place private to talk to someone. At first he thought, ‘It’s got to be Taeyeon noona, or maybe Heechul hyung.’

Yet, somehow he doubted his own guess because it felt completely different. Then he remembered catching Baekhyun’s worried look to Bomi earlier. Then his mind went back much much earlier when they were on the way to the venue – he accidentally saw an unknown number while he was texting. Baekhyun was too preoccupied to notice, since his eyes had been glued to the screen of his phone.

As the gears in his mind kept on turning, his eyes widened. To confirm his assumptions, he grabbed the opportunity of snatching Baekhyun’s phone from the stool in the kitchen where he left it temporarily. Good thing he knew the password, without any hindrance or anyone who noticed he quickly saw an unknown number in the recents list.

“Seriously…?” he whispered with his face scrunched up.

An unknown number that was all too familiar to him. He scanned their conversations which he regretted right after doing so. Something strange came over him - his hands moved like lightning.

Bbom?

Delete, delete.

Who is this?

Sent.

“Have you calmed down now?” Junmyeon, almost on the verge of getting angry, asked Baekhyun who was sitting on the couch putting ice to his swollen lips. He almost – almost - lost his composure after being greeted with a brawl the moment he got home. The urge to smash their heads together – it was a struggle to fight back.

Baekhyun stayed quiet like he usually does when it comes to this kind of situations. Since it’ s Junmyeon, there’s no need to tell him what he’s feeling or what’s going on through his mind because he knows him well enough not to ask twice and understands him well enough to wait for him to talk.

The other members reluctantly proceeded to their own rooms. There was no need to wait for the leader’s instruction.

Junmyeon sighed. He knew that even he couldn’t fix this mess. Meddling would only worsen the situation. In addition, he had foreseen that this would happen eventually because everyone learned of Jongdae’s relationship weeks right after the breakup, and Baekhyun opened up to him about the cause of this mess. No, Yoon Bomi is not at fault.

Nevertheless, she shouldn’t have entertained Baekhyun in the first place. That’s his own point of view.

“I’ll be in my room,” he told Baekhyun in case he wants to talk to him.

Baekhyun watched his back until it disappeared from his sight. He dropped the ice cubes on the floor and hurriedly rushed out of their dorm as he gripped his phone tight. Not even Junmyeon’s open ears can sooth the storm in his chest right now. Only one person comes to mind - whose voice reminds him of the melody of the rain.

February 2014.

“Are you busy?”

He called her one midnight. He was afraid that he disturbed her sleep because of the grogginess of her voice.

“Not really…” she answered with a small voice.

“You were sleeping, weren’t you?” He said.

“No, I - ”

He cut her off. “Yes, you were. It’s okay. Go back to sleep.”

“Yah,” she scolded, her voice more steady now. “How can I go back to sleep knowing that something’s bothering you?”

“Sorry, the number you have dialed is currently busy.”

Baekhyun put his phone beside him. The one person he wanted to talk to was busy talking to someone else. The view of the sky from the rooftop didn’t help. The full moon’s beauty remained unseen thanks to the greediness of the clouds, wanting it all by themselves. The atmosphere was sullen and gloomy, and he was cold and missing her.

“Yoon Bomi,” Jongdae called. “Are you going to keep quiet or what?”

One minute passed. She hadn’t said one word to him other than ‘hello.’ When he heard voice, he had forgotten their dispute a while back. But then the pain in his stomach reemerged.

“Why did you call me?” He asked. “Did your Baek tell you to call me?” He couldn’t help himself be bothered by the thought of her and Baekhyun. He hasn’t completely sorted out his feelings yet. He wasn’t sure if it’s out of insecurity, pride, or jealousy. Maybe something else.

At the mention of Baekhyun’s name, he had a feeling that Bomi would start to speak. Indeed, he guessed right.

“What did you say?” She tried to hide her irritation even though it was pointless because he knew her after all.

“Did he come running to you and cried because I punched him? He did, I know he did.”

“You did what?” She shrieked. “Why?”

Jongdae, baffled by her reaction, asked, “What?”

“Why did you punch him? What’s wrong with you? Are you out of your mind?” She continuously spat.

He ignored her. “He didn’t tell you?”

“No-! Seriously, you’re too much!” Bomi yelled. “Why did you have to bring Baekhyun into this mess?”

Jongdae scoffed. “I’m too much? Me?” He laughed in disbelief. “You’re the one who started this mess in the first place! He’s my co-member, my friend at that!”

“You’re blaming me? Oh, okay, I get it. You just can’t accept it, don’t you?”

“What?”

“Or are you jealous?”

Her accusation caught him off-guard. “…”

Is that what it is? He’s not so sure anymore.

When he didn’t answer, the other line also went silent. They could only hear each other’s breathing. Steady, calm, familiar.

“…Enough of this.” Bomi whispered, her voice evident of exhaustion. “I didn’t call to quarrel with you.”

Jongdae stayed silent.

“Jongdae… I need you, to tell me the truth, and answer my questions,” she said.

When she called his name, he felt something tugging at his heart.

“…Why did you break up with me? I want to hear it from you. Not from Junmyeon oppa… or Baekhyun…”

“Because… SM Ent found out about us. They warned me, and I knew you wouldn’t break up with me.”

“So you acted like an to make me hate you… we’re not in a drama, you know? This is too cliché,” she chuckled. Jongdae didn’t know what to perceive of this. “What else?”

“Because we had group problems,” he said shortly. She’ll get what he meant. That event still left a bitter taste to his tongue so he never really spoke of it. “Why are you asking me this?”

“Why didn’t you tell me? Aside from what you told me earlier… I just, I still don’t get it.”

“I,” he paused, “I… don’t know.”

“…you don’t know…” she repeated with a whisper. “Then why did you give up so easily…?”

Jongdae didn’t answer. He couldn’t.

“Why didn’t you fight for me?” she mumbled over the line.

The line went still for a moment.

“…I guess our relationship back then wasn’t worth the risk… huh…”

He thought she’d start crying over the phone, but she continued on speaking as if trying to alleviate the tension between them even when he stayed silent.

“When I met you, I didn’t anticipate this future. One coincidental meeting, introducing each other, that’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. An ordinary day like usual,” she spoke of it like it was yesterday. Her soft narrating voice soothed his ears, and her memories pinched his chest bit by bit.

“That day, the day I witnessed how the corner of your lips curved upwards, became more than just ordinary – it turned out to be one of those rare encounters that changed me. Because of you, intense emotions I’ve never felt before settled and exploded in me. Because of you, another me had awakened.”

Jongdae felt sadness in Bomi’s voice. He felt it too, deep inside him.

“This is embarrassing, you know…” she told him. “Are you really just going to listen to me?”

“… sorry,” he mumbled. He sighed. “Our relationship didn’t work out because of bad timing…”

She cut him off.  “There’s no such thing as bad timing though… You either want it enough to make it work, or you don’t.” Then she softly whispered, “And you were the latter.”

He wanted to react, to deny what she believes to be true. But the words didn’t come and he let his thoughts ramble in his mind instead.

“Even if we start over again, it would still have the same result. Am I right?”

He coul