CHAPTER 8  ||  REAL

It was only ten o’clock at night and the garage door opening and closing signaled to Jackson that Amber was already back from her “date”.  Amber persists in calling it a casual friendly get-together but Jackson wouldn’t buy it.  When a girl practically throws herself at you, sending signals left and right and the only thing missing is a massive visible banner that labeled her very obvious intentions—yeah it’s a date alright.

Amber left the house around seven and not even three hours into her “date” she’s already back and back alone at that.

Amber tosses the keys on the living room table and takes a seat next to Jackson while propping her legs up.  Without saying a word, she grabs the bucket of popcorn that Jackson was thoroughly enjoying on his own and relaxes herself too comfortably without saying a word.

A little peeved that he now has to share his preciously made popcorn in which he has meticulously mixed with the right balance of butter and peanut M&M’s, he steals his bucket back and quips, “Yah!  This is my popcorn!  And what are you doing home already?  What happened to your date?”

Without taking her eyes off the TV screen, she steals a handful of popcorn M&M’s from Jackson’s bucket while she casually answers, “First of all, that wasn’t a date.  Second of all, I’m really tired.  I just wanted to come home and relax.”

Jackson mutters as he scoffs, “‘Wasn’t a date my …’ Were you alone with Kendall?”

“Yeah but—”

“Was it at a nice restaurant?”

“Yeah.  But still—”

“Did you pay for dinner?”

“…Yeah but it’s—”

“Then it’s a date you dummy.”  Jackson knuckle tapped the top of Amber’s head.

Amber sighs and sends a glare at her friend.  “It’s not a date.  Stop making stuff up in your head.  You’re worse than a TMZ reporter.  And plus…she’s just a friend...  We’re just friends.”

Jackson couldn’t keep from scoffing again from Amber’s moronic and chronic denial, “Yah.  As your friend and manager, I’m offended that you just placed me beneath those scumbag reporters.  And also, don’t pretend to be so dense Amber.  Kendall has been all over you for months now.  Maybe to you she’s just a friend but I could bet you five hundred bucks she sees you potentially as someone so much more.”

Amber could only let out an exhausted sigh.  She leaves her friend’s unwarranted opinion at the level of pure speculation and absolves herself from the duty of explanation.  She doesn’t feel the need to entertain the topic because frankly, she feels indifferent and uninterested.  However, do not mistake her for being dense.  She’s well aware of her surroundings.  She’s smart enough to pick up the subtle signals.  And she knows this game better than anyone else.  She’s just not in the mood to jump back into anything remotely close to a dating situation.

But Jackson wasn’t satisfied with Amber’s lack of enthusiasm.  So he presses the subject, “Seriously.  You mean to tell me a nice girl like that, super hot, super y, pretty great personality, has it made—did I mention super hot?—does not perk or pique your interest at all?  ”

Amber rolls her eyes, drops her head back against the couch cushion.

Jackson throws a popcorn on her face and adds, “I know you’ve been in this good merit, clean image, no strings attached, drama-free streak…but bro, it’s been more than a year.  Shoot, if Kendall Jenner threw herself at me…I’d be all over that.”

Amber scoffs.  She ponders on that mental image for a second but immediately retreats.  It’s not that she doesn’t want to, it’s not that she hasn’t moved on already, and it’s not that she doesn’t find her attractive either…it’s just that…

“Jackson, has it ever occurred to you that maybe I’m actually enjoying being single.”  And it’s true.  She has found profound simplicity and contentment on her said singleness.  In addition, she is in no hurry to traverse through the rough waters, thunders and tsunamis of relationships anytime soon.

Plus…there’s a challenge that comes with venturing into ‘newness’.  Every potential candidate in Amber’s circle that remotely show signs of promising future couldn’t help but be placed side by side in comparison to Krystal.  She’s constantly comparing other girls to Krystal.  She can’t help it.  It’s not that she’s still lingering in her past and still unable to move forward.  Heck, Amber has moved on.  In fact, she’s even at a place now where she can talk about her with Jackson with a light sense of honest introspection and reflection without needing multiple shots of vodka as truth serum.  And that’s something she was never able to do in the past.  However, back to the topic of other girls surrounding Amber…well…Krystal just happens to be her only point of reference.  And let’s just say it’s hard to be compared to Krystal Jung.

“But seriously, Am.  With your ‘friendly’ date tonight, you don’t have any inclination or desire to pursue this, at least enough for a second date?  I’ve met Kendall before and all glamour and fanfare aside, I think she’s a good girl and a good match for you.”

Amber gives Jackson that credit.  Kendall is all of those things and perhaps even more.  But Jackson’s enthusiasm just doesn’t match the season that Amber believes she’s still in.

She tosses a pillow at Jackson and chuckles at his quickness in protecting his popcorn.  She stands up from her seat and tells Jackson, “We’re friends.  That’s all.  I’m going to bed.”

After showering, Amber slips on a pair of joggers and a loose shirt and snuggles herself inside her soft blanket.  She reaches her phone and routinely goes through her text messages.  She finds the typical text message from random girls, who unbeknownst to her, have gotten a hold of her phone number and begins to delete them without bothering to reply and find out who they may be.  She finds her daily rant text from Cara as source of her three-second entertainment before she sleeps and texts her back with the typical sarcastic witty message and continues to go through her other messages.  She sees a message left by Kendall and felt a mixture of guilt and affinity from her heartfelt optimism in which Amber replies with a mere smiling emoji and platonic ‘thank you’.

Afterward, she decides to go on social media. And since she hasn’t done so in a long time, she goes to her Instagram scrolls through her posts and reads her fans’ admiration and her haters’ pontification. And after minutes of lazy browsing she somehow finds herself in Krystal’s Instagram feed.

She presses the back button immediately and tosses her phone on the other side of her bed.  She quickly chides herself for her subconscious mistake and crosses her arms now in contemplation.

It’s a public profile.  It’s not a big deal to look at her pictures, right?  It’s not like I’m stalking her.  Is it?

She reaches for her phone and stares at it some more.  She’s debating in her head whether it’s healthier to just leave it alone or proceed on due to her brewing curiosity.

Ah what the hell…

She turns on her phone and carefully checks out Krystal’s pictures.  She’s not the type to do these sorts of things.  She stays away from social media as much as possible because in the past it tends to rile her up in the wrong direction.  But now that she’s on this thing, she actually finds it fascinating.

She can’t suppress her smile from forming as she’s looking at Krystal’ pictures one by one.  Amber also couldn’t help but note the beautiful poses and candid photos that emit the happiness and joy that’s bursting through every post.  Amber smiles and thinks, I’m glad you’re smiling, princess.

And after a while, she feels the fatigue catching up prompting her to finally put the phone away.  She turns off the lights and closes her eyes.  She chuckles at her final lingering thought…

Kendall is pretty.  But Krystal is still prettier.

Amber is diligently working on her newly produced track as Jackson bursts into the studio disrupting the flow of her creative zen.

“Dude!”

Amber grits her teeth as she’s on the verge of blowing up to scold Jackson for his rude interruption.  Thank God, Amber is much calmer and composed these days, very close to a stoic Buddhist monk when it comes to bridling her temper.

Jackson, on the other hand, is just way too excited to contain his volume, “Dude!  You won’t believe who I just got off the phone with!”

Amber inhales and exhales with depth as she slowly flashes a calm smile towards her manager who she badly wants to smack right now.

In the same booming voice, Jackson informs her, “You have just been named number one of Forbes Most Influential Icons In Their Twenties list and they want you as the cover of next month’s issue.”

Amber stares at him deadpanned.  Here was another list that the ego of the vanities in which Amber finds beneath her taste and need of attention.

Jackson stares back with equal incredulity due to her lacking response.  With arms raised and excitement, Jackson exclaimed, “Dude this is Forbes!  This is a big deal!  And according to them, you’re a big deal!”

At this point, she finds this conversation unnecessary and a complete waste of her breath and time.  She sighs and rolls her eyes at Jackson attempting to refocus back on her work.  She cranks the volume of the soundboard as an obvious dismissal and display of her apathetic attitude towards Jackson’s so-called breaking news.  Yet through the loud volume, Jackson was resilient.

In an even louder decibel to combat the loud track in the background, with Jackson practically yelling at the top of his lungs, he continues to tell her, “Okay, I know you could care less but that’s not even the good news!”

Amber pretends not to listen and continues to ignore him.

Jackson kept yelling, “Yah!  Aren’t you even slightly interested in who else is on that list with you?!”

Amber pushes the knob further up in volume of the soundboard as show of her resounding response.

Finally, Jackson had enough of the yelling.  He reaches over Amber and hits the stop button on the computer silencing the entire studio.  Unfortunately, this also pushed Amber’s patience to the ceiling.  “Yah!  I’m trying to work—”

“Number two on this list is Krystal!  And Forbes wants to do a cover spread with you both as the featuring icons of next month’s issue.”  This surely shut her up and got her attention.

“AND!  The actual good news is that I just got off the phone with Sulli—you know, Krystal’s manager.  And she said that Krystal has already given her and Forbes the okay signal.  The only one they’re all waiting on is you…”

This came as a shock, not about Krystal making into the same list but that Krystal has agreed on the collaboration pictorial…with her.

Jackson was now grinning because he knew that he got her undivided attention and unmitigated interest with this breaking news.  Now Jackson was interested on how Amber will respond.

In a pensive daze, Amber was now completely immersed in her thoughts, her brain working in overdrive as she weighs out her different options and its possible outcomes.  Jackson waits silently and anticipates her response giddily as Amber ruminates with an unreadable expression while she tapped incessantly on the hollow wood table of her soundboard.

After some excruciating seconds of silence, Jackson holds out his hands and asks, “So…go or no go?”

In the dressing room, minutes away from the first round of the pictorial, Amber has convinced herself that she has made a terrible mistake.  Her legs are twitching as she’s sitting down on a lounge chair, staring at herself on the mirror in front of her.  She is ceaselessly tapping on the wooden arm rest with the tip of her fingers as the stylist finishes one last sprucing on her naturally coiffed hair.  Dolled in a classy tuxedo ensemble, she’s staring at her get-up and immediately feel the shroud of regret enveloping her.

Jackson puts a hand on her shoulder and attempts in giving his friend some support and encouragement, “You look good bro—dashing and beautiful at the same time.  Relax a bit and I think you’ll be fine.”

She admits to him, “I don’t know if I can do this.”

“Would you relax?  This is a magazine shoot, not a wedding engagement pictorial.  You’re not a rookie in this field.  You’ve done this countless of times.  Just a loosen up a bit, will you?”

She lets out a nervous sigh and tells him, “That’s exactly the issue.  I’ve done multiple photo shoots in the past and this one is no different yet somehow I’m as nervous as when I stood behind the stage seconds before I had to perform at the Grammys.”

“Just relax…” Jackson massages her shoulder to ease her tensed aura displayed through her body language.  With a soft and syncopated manner, Jackson coaches her through, “Relax.  It’s just a photo shoot.  Just a photo shoot.”

Amber inhales and exhales in same beat and fashion and follows Jackson’s hypnotic nod, “You’re right.  It’s just a photo shoot.  Just a photo shoot.”  It worked for Amber was feeling her nervousness slowly fading with every long breath.

*Knock* *Knock*

“Ms. Amber Liu, we’ll begin the first round whenever you’re ready.  Ms. Jung is on standby and ready on set.”

And shots of adrenaline came rushing back to her body.  “.  I can’t do this.  Damn it.  .  .  I shouldn’t have—”

Jackson presses her shoulders down and assures her, “It’s just!” Jackson quickly reverts back to the same steady and calm tone, “…a photo shoot.  Just a photo shoot.”

With another deep and concentrated breath, she closes her eyes while she nods her head, “It’s…just…a…photo shoot.”

Amber stands up and walks out of the dressing room and follows through with what she got herself into.  She walks slowly to the set and greets the photographer, head editor and director.  As she reached the lighted stage, she finds multiple people surrounding Krystal and has yet to get a full glimpse of her.  Her own set of stylists meets her at the stage and fixes her suit and fiddles with her hair until the director gave his signal, “Alright everyone!  Here we go!”

Slowly but surely, the team of people surrounding the two stars began dispersing from the stage one by one, leaving the two alone and in full view of each other.  Amber finally meets her in the eyes and for the nth time of her mere trivial existence, she’s once again stunned.  Krystal was wearing a white long gown and could almost be mistaken as a wedding dress if it weren’t for the fact that it was not.  Yeah sure, this is only a magazine pictorial but they sure hell look like a couple getting their engagement photos taken.

Krystal sends her a smile immediately jolting Amber back to reality.  Amber nods her head and extends a shy greeting, “Hey…uhh…hi.”

“Hi,” Krystal was flushed and visibly nervous as well.

The photographer began his instructions, “Amber you’re going to stand behind Krystal and place your hand on her shoulder.  Think British Nobility, Victorian Royalty—that kind of feel and vibe for this concept.  Got it?”

“Got it.”  Krystal answers succinctly while Amber could only nod and keep her eyes from staring at the actual royalty sitting in front of her.

She doesn’t know how this is going for Krystal and the rest of the staff and workers present at the set but this was extremely awkward in her opinion.

Consecutive flashes and clicks soon followed and all eyes were on the two girls.  “Great Krystal, just keep that expression.  Amber, loosen up a little bit, you can smile, it’s okay.”

“Good.  Good.  Amber, smile please.”

“Good.  That’s it.”

“Amber, I need a little more from you.”

Amber could sense the rising frustration in the photographer’s commands.  “Good Krystal.  More Amber.”  Amber forces a small smile but was returned with, “Loosen up a bit more Am.”

“Good Krystal.  Amber—”

The production paused for a moment and Amber knew she was the reason for the disruption.

“I’m sorry…” Amber takes a step back from Krystal and dips her head back in frustration.  Both team of stylists immediately rush the stage to perform touch-ups on both stars.  Jackson follows and approaches Amber concernedly.  It was almost like Amber was in boxing match after a bell rang to signal the end of a grueling first round in which she was almost knocked out.  In her corner was her coach, Jackson, checking to see if she was okay.

“Dude relax.  It’s just a photo shoot.  You’re stiff and awkward and it’s blaringly obvious.”

Except…she really didn’t need Jackson to point out what she’s already aware of.  Seeing that Amber is not responding to his pep talk, Jackson places both hands on her shoulder and makes direct eye contact.  “Bro, you’re a pro.  This is just a photo shoot.  Relax.  You got this.  Just relax.  If you need to, pretend that she’s just another girl.”

She’s taking any advice at this point.  She breathes in and out and channels her composure.  She’s doing a mental run through, “I got this.  I’m a professional.  It’s just a photo shoot.  Just a photo shoot.  Relax.”

A couple minutes later, the director signals for standby.  Amber approaches Krystal who was glancing at her.  Krystal notices Amber’s discomfort and asks, “Are you okay? You seem a bit…”

“I’m fine.”  She flashes her a smile and proceeds to stand in the same pose.

With great effort and struggling determination Amber barely manages to get through the first round.  She was asked to pose, smile, come in close contact and proximity to Krystal, hold her, embrace her, look at her and all sorts of things that sure exhausted all her energy in one hour.  The moment they finished the first round, Amber went straight into the dressing room avoiding any additional interactions with Krystal.

She unhinges her bowtie and tosses it on the couch, takes off the blazer and s the top buttons of her dress shirt.  She needed space and air to relieve the tense sensation she feels emanating in and through her body.  She quickly gulps down a bottle of water and plops on her chair while running her fingers through her hair.  She was not feeling this photo shoot at all.  And the worse part that she’s dreading is that this is just one of the many rounds of the pictorial for the day.

.  I can’t do this.

It’s quite clear and disconcerting for her to come into full realization that Krystal’s close presence still has that intimidating yet hypnotizing effect on her aura.  She knows she’s over her.  She knows that she can finally manage to live life without her but there’s something about having to hold her, embrace her, touch her, look at her that irks and messes with her high spirit and composed bravado.

At one point of her life, all of those things were natural habits.  Yeah, she has ed up in a lot of ways in their relationship but if there was one thing she excelled at while they were still together, it was those things.

Her skin is distinctly familiar with her every touch.  Her senses are in tuned with her scent and her whispers.  Her arms have memorized the curves and the softness of her outline.  And her mind remembers all her spots and all her secret nuances.  Being in close proximity to Krystal rekindles all of those things all at once.  Consequently, it’s turning her into a cluster because the context and condition in which she finds herself in position isn’t appropriate and isn’t real.  It’s all pretense, a professional exchange and delivery for the sake of a mere magazine pictorial.  And Amber simply cannot merge that which was so real to her with a mere pretentious photo op.  She can’t.  That’s why right now…she’s in trouble.

The next thirty minutes was a blur.  She’s in a different outfit with a different hairstyle and minutes later she’s going to have to walk out that room and into that set again and start to pretend.  Jackson continued in his constant pep talk and coaching but it was all going in one ear and out the other.

*Knock* *Knock*

The door slowly opens and here comes Krystal walking in in full view.  Amber’s eyes were closed as she was massaging her temple.  She was still unaware of Krystal’s presence in her dressing room.

Krystal clears and Amber immediately halts her fingers and opens her eyes.  Reflecting and staring in front of her on the mirror was Krystal.  Amber’s anxiety is gaining momentum once again.

Krystal steps closer and asks Amber in a voice where everyone could hear, “Hey can we talk for a second?  Privately?”

Jackson quickly signals others to leave.  Amber’s production and design team exit the dressing room one by one.  Krystal gives Jackson a nervous smile and a thankful nod before he himself also exits the room.  The moment the door shuts, the two were engulfed in silence and conspicuous awkwardness.  Krystal takes the initiative and slowly pulls a chair next to Amber.  Amber could only stare speechless at her, dumbfounded as to what she should do next.

Krystal lets out a sigh as she’s observing Amber’s delicate expression.  She, too, sense the nervousness and weird tension that is radiating between them so she looks down and plays with her fingers.  After some quiet seconds, she opens the subject, “If this is too awkward…”

“I’m sorry,” Amber quickly looks away, mentally forcing herself to grow a pair of confidence or two.  “I’m sorry.  It’s just that…”

“I know…  It’s the same for me too.”  Krystal flashes her a smile.

Ah, so it’s not just me.  She senses how horridly awkward and uneasy this whole thing is.

In a very sensitive approach, Krystal tells her, “Amber…really, if this is too much, I’m sure we could make a deal with the editor to arrange it so that we can just take our shots separately—”

“I’m sorry.  I’ll pull it together,” Amber doesn’t want to trouble her, burden the others who worked so hard in preparation and most importantly, disappoint herself.  “I can do this…Yeah I’ll admit, it’s a lot more challenging than what I imagined it to be but don’t worry Krystal…I’ll pull it together for the next round of pictures.”

Krystal by reflex leans closer and almost reaches for Amber’s hand but stops herself halfway.  She composes herself and reclines back against the chair as she squeezes her hands together.  Multiple things ran through her mind as she finds Amber less than in her collected self in this situation.  Krystal herself was beginning to wonder if this was such a good idea in the first place because she sees how evidently clear they really were not ready for this.

But what are they going to do?  They’re both too prideful and too professional to let the situation compromise their work.  Nonetheless, the whole situation seemed rather ironic.

After a minute of silence, Krystal reclines against the chair as she tips her head back in defeat.  She thinks…if you can’t fix it, might as well make fun of it.

Krystal scoffs and blithely points out, “Look at us…number one and two of Forbes’ Most Influential People In Their Twenties and we can’t pull our together for our lives.”

At that ironic truth, Amber chuckles in acknowledgement, which actually lighten the awkward atmosphere between the two.  Krystal notices its lessening effect on Amber’s rigid expression and continues to jest, “I’m still mad about that, actually.  I still don’t understand how I’m number two and you’re number one.”

Amber was now astounded and fascinated by Krystal’s casual jabs.  In fact, she misses these moments.  She missed their loose conversations and their clever dialogues.  Amber then finally turns her head to look at Krystal and couldn’t help but flash her a grin.  With the equal lighthearted tone, Amber takes a jab, “I don’t know…maybe because—I don’t know—I actually won a Grammy.  But yeah, I mean, it’s not a big deal or anything.”

Krystal rolls her eyes and jokingly sneers and pokes back, “Please.  You said it yourself…” Krystal mockingly mimics Amber’s tone, “’You’re my muse, my inspiration…I have you to thank for all the success of my recent album…’ So technically, your Most Influential title is influenced by me.”

They both crack up on Krystal’s unfailing logic.  Amber nods her head and gives her the credit, “You got me.”

That small bit of dialogue did more to ease Amber’s anxiety than all the long-winded pep talk that came from Jackson combined.  It was nice, Amber thinks.  It was nice that they were able to joke around like this after such a long time.  But yet, another minute passes and the silence was beginning to catch up again.

This time, Amber throws caution to the wind and decides to just be honest with Krystal.  She takes a long breath and begins, “It’s hard for me,” she looks at Krystal with that honesty, “With anyone else it’s easy…but with you…it’s almost impossible for me to pretend.”

The heavy atmosphere was back but this time…it was more real than awkward.

Krystal understands Amber’s confession.  And in this moment, she sees Amber’s genuine concern.  She understands the struggle fully well for herself.  And if it was difficult for her, what more for Amber?  So she flashes Amber another tender smile as she comes to a definitive solution.

“Amber…it’s okay…  For the next few hours, I give you the permission to stop pretending.”

Perhaps that was all that Amber needed to hear.

The rest of the photo shoot went on smoothly.  Amber took it to heart and with Krystal’s permission, she didn’t pretend, she meant every gaze, meant every touch.  And at the end of the shoot, the photographer, director and editor couldn’t be anymore satisfied.

Everyone in the room who were lucky enough to witness their chemistry firsthand couldn’t quite feel complete comfort and ease when watching the two deliver on each end.  Nevertheless, to those who were watching, Krystal and Amber left a deep and resounding impression.

When the photographer gave his thumb of approval, when the director yelled, “Cut!”, when the stage was disassembled and when Amber finally finds herself in the backseat of her SUV on her way home, it was a clean wrap for all except for one.  The whole afternoon experience left an unfinished taste in .  Amber’s trying to center her composure yet with much exerted effort, she still couldn’t shake off this nagging feeling in her mind: that was too real.

Every fiber in her being concentrated in driving out that thought, that feeling, that truth out of every nook, corner, and crevice in her mind.  Simply, she was attempting to rationalize with her brain what her heart is recognizing as real.  She’s succumbing to the suffocation and deterring to the desperation once again and the only answer for this formidable conundrum was…

Amber opens her eyes and she soon finds herself at the gate of her property.  It’s close to nine and if I’m lucky, I can make it there by 9:30.  As soon as Jackson parks the SUV, she jumps out and rushes inside to grab the other set of keys for her sports car.  She then quickly hops inside the car and starts the engine all in under a minute.  Jackson barely got out of the SUV to yell out, “Where are you going?” before she floors the pedal and drives out of her property.

She just had to find out.  She had to try.  It’s probably a stupid idea but she has to do something about it.  She needs to put a final closure to this nagging feeling one way or another, once and for all.  And if it all goes to hell tonight, then by all means, let it all go to hell.  At least she could say she tried even at the very last thread.

9:28.  Amber finds a parking space just a block from the high-rise apartments.  There was no logic, certainty or preparation that came before this impulsive visit.  She wasn’t even remotely sure whether Krystal still lived in the same apartment.  Nevertheless, she runs.  She hustles up the stairs and the moment she reaches her front door and presses the bell…

.  !  Why did I come here?!  Waves upon waves of regret were now crushing her to pieces.  She turns around to walk away and forget the whole thing but she barely takes two steps and the door of Krystal’s apartment opened.  She quickly retraced her steps not wanting to look like an even bigger idiot for getting caught playing a ding-dong ditch game she may as well accidentally play on her.

And now, they’re standing face to face.  Krystal’s too shocked to make a move and Amber’s too…stupid.  Amber feels awkward and apologetic but the moment she met her eyes there it was.  As she stands there captivated by those doe-shaped eyes and angelic face, that nagging feeling, that stifling real sensation came flooding back.  Forget the awkwardness.  Forget the apology.  Honesty.   I’m just gonna go for it.

“Amber, what are y—”

“Krystal I…” Amber could feel her heart pound through her chest.  The sensation is getting stronger and stronger with every word.  She takes a step close and almost reached for her hand but remained collected.  She peers so strikingly into her eyes and as though on cue, the tears begin to build in her own.  Yet she goes for it.  She musters every bit of confidence and honesty in her bones, and allowed her heart to do the talking.  “Krystal…I’m not gonna ask for something that’s unfair.  I’m not gonna ask you to let us start over…I’m not even gonna ask you for a second chance…I’m just gonna ask you to be honest with me…”

She notices the subtle change in Krystal’s gaze—from shocked to visibly vulnerable.  Amber senses the wheels are turning in Krystal’s head at a rapid rate and feels her heart increasing to the same tempo as hers.  And without finishing her question, Amber knew that Krystal was well aware of where this was heading.

“Amber…I—” but before Krystal could answer, another man appears from behind her.

“Hey, who’s that at the door…  Oh…”

Amber physically, mentally, and emotionally had to take a step back.  All she could do was close her eyes, hang her head low as she shakes her head in embarrassment and regret.  She lets out a scoff to mock the ruthless irony of this tragedy and whispers, “Of course…”

It was silent…awkward…and sorry once again.  Amber takes a moment and gathers another set of confidence, or the rest of what she could muster to salvage a fraction of her dignity, or at least what’s left of it.  She shifts her head back into position and flashes Krystal and the guy her most charming, classic, and calm smile.  She finds Krystal still frozen but felt that it would be too out of place to continue so she tips her head and tells them, “I’m sorry.”  She walks away without checking to see her reaction.  She takes the elevator for the first time and feels too loss for words to describe the devastating feeling.  She drags her feet slowly back to her car with the unresolved agenda weighing her every step to settle the things raging inside of her once and for all.  But she had to let it go.  It would be wrong of her to force any entry back into the conversation and it would be wrong for her to intrude any further whatever it was she already had going on.

As she reached her car, she walks slowly to the driver’s seat.  She can feel the literal scourging pain crushing the life of her and for the next moment, she couldn’t even move her muscles to unlock her door.  She felt the tears accumulating in her eyes so she shuts them to control them from falling out.

This is a test.  This is a test, Amber.  It’s okay.  It’s okay.  It’s okay to feel pain.  It means it’s real.  It means it's real.

After gathering herself, she lets out a deep breath and finds the last bit of strength to at least open the door to her car.

But out of the corner, “Amber!”

She turns to the direction of the voice and she couldn’t be more surprised.

Krystal rushes towards her and stops about three feet away.  Krystal also wore that honest disposition as she could barely keep her face straight when she finds Amber thankfully still there.

“Krystal…”

“Amber…why did you come?”  For all intents and purposes, Krystal just wanted a straight answer.  She wants to get the honest truth out of Amber’s intention, all bull aside.

Amber now had an unprecedented choice.  She could continue with full head on or withdraw completely sparing them both the further damage.

She chooses the former and for the sake of honesty, she takes a step forward and leads in with her heart, “I just want to know.  Everything I showed you today was real.  I wasn’t pretending.  All show and performance aside, it was real for me…because it’s still real for me.  And I just want to know…when I held you, touched you, and when I still look at you like the way I'm looking at you right now…is it still real for you too?”

Krystal bites her lips to manage her emotional unsteadiness.  She weighs it all in her head—the past, the present, the person in front of her, and the person she is now.  We’ve been here before.  We’ve done this already.  Is it worth repeating?  Is it worth risking my heart again?

“No.”  The pangs in her chest contradicted her answer.  Yet Krystal knows…it’s a route, a familiar trail she promised herself to never come back to.  But…

“Amber…yes…it’s real.  What we had, who you are to me and how we’ll always feel about each other is real.  But we both know this feeling so well…we both know where it will lead to eventually…”

Krystal had a valid point.  She had every right to point out that high chance and likelihood of another failure but the fact that Krystal was still standing here in front of her, Amber couldn’t easily let this chance go.  So she takes a step forward and reaches for her hand with one hand and encircles her waist with the other while slowly pulling her in without leaving her gaze.

She gets boldly close, her forehead now touching hers and she could feel the syncopated rhythm of her pulse against hers.  Amber whispers, “But it’s still real…”

With tension reaching its threshold, Krystal squeezes Amber’s hand and closes her eyes.  It was real.  Nothing could even come close to this kind of real. And no one else has ever come close to Amber in making her feel this way.

But she made a promise to herself.  She doesn’t want to go back.  She doesn’t want to regress.  And she sure doesn’t want to fall back in the sick cycle of endless backbiting, fighting and regrets no matter how strong, how real the feeling still was.

So Krystal does the bravest thing she could do for herself…

“I’m sorry.”

Amber could feel the salty and stinging current of air that came from the ocean.  No matter how physically cold she felt standing there on the beach, it couldn’t douse or calm the fire sensation in her lungs as she breathed.

It ing hurt.

But as she reached inside her pocket and pulled out the ring that promised forever with the girl she thought she’d spend it with, she looks down at the little piece of metal that symbolized eternity and could only let out a smile.  This was the ring that she gave Krystal, the ring that Krystal gave back, the ring the she kept in her pocket all along and now the ring that she’s ready to give up.

This is what humans do.  When there’s a wound or an open cut inflicted on the heart, the human tendency is to put a Band-Aid on it to mask the damage, to ignore the pain, to absolve responsibility.  Humans would then continue on to self-medicate only to exacerbate and infuriate the wound even further.  And before they know it, the wound has spread to the rest of the soul and it’s much larger and more problematic than when it was first inflicted.  But there are those brave enough to bite the bullet and fight pain with pain—with brutal honesty.  And like fire, it’s that unthinkable scorching affliction that forcibly sears the wound to close.

It is painful to grow and more often than not, it’s impossible to grow without a little bit of pain.

Amber takes one last look at the ring, closes her eyes as she smilingly grits her teeth.  Like a wound that’s finally closed yet still painfully raw, she takes it in one last time.  She extends her arm as far as she could and lunges her body forward as she releases and launches the ring towards the Pacific.  Amber smiles and presses her hand against her chest for her heart.  She inhales and exhales and checks her pulse.

It’s done.

Yet she’s still breathing, her heart is still beating.

Final Author Remarks:

I know you guys were hoping for a happy and hopeful ending but...not all hopeful endings are happy.  And that's just life.  When I set out to write Growing Pains, I wanted to capture the pain of falling out of love and the struggle of moving forward.  A large portion of this story was really inspired from what I experienced with my first love and my first heartbreak (minus all the Hollywood lol).  So to end it with a 'happily ever after' just didn't quite feel and fit right.  I hope that you guys can understand that.

Anyways, I want to thank you all for reading and supporting this story.  It has been a rollercoaster ride hasn't it?  But it was beautiful...and painful...but still beautiful, right?  Please check out my other stories, Pieces of You and I (On-Going) and Libra Scale (Completed) for more of my writings!  And now that Growing Pains is finished...I may or may not have a new story lined up!  So stay tuned!

Here's a big THANK YOU, some cyber high-fives and wads of cyber tissues for everyone!  Love you guys!  ^_^

#TEAMKRYBERFOREVER

- Z