CHAPTER 7  ||  SPACE

A sound of a heavy luggage meeting the marbled floor could be heard reverberating through the empty foyer of this Malibu beach home.

“Hello?  Anybody home?”

A surprised Jackson follows the sound of that familiar voice only to find a sun kissed, widely grinning, old friend whom they haven’t seen in months.  “Vic!  What the heck?!  When did you get here?!”

An exchange of endearing hug was a must.  Victoria explained, “I wanted to surprise you guys!  I missed you, Jack.  Where’s Amber?  Is she still asleep?”
 

Flashing Victoria a proud smile, he tells her, “Actually…she’s been out on a run since, let’s see…” Jackson glances at his watch that read 8:40am and says, “a little over forty minutes ago.  She should be back soon.”

“Amber?”  Victoria shot him a questioning looking.  “You’re talking about Amber—Ms. I-don’t-wake-up-and-function-until-three-in-the-afternoon-I’m-a-pop-star-leave-me-alone-Amber Liu?”

Chuckling at that, Jackson once again proudly informs Victoria, “Yes.  Check her bed if you must but you won’t find her there.  But she’ll be back soon.”

Jackson led the way to the kitchen so that the two can catch up over breakfast while waiting for their beloved pop star to come back from her morning run.  With Amber here, it will complete their lovely trifecta that has been long non-existent for months now.  As they sat over the island stools, while Jackson served her fresh bacon, eggs and pancakes with coffee, Victoria was nothing short of impressed and relieved that they were able to hold the fort down even in her absence.

“So it’s true…Amber’s really doing well now.”

Jackson pours over coffee for himself as he munched on a piece of bacon.  He then tells her, “Yeah.  I guess you can say she’s doing much better lately.  And her new album is doing really well.”

“Yeah I listened to it during my flight.  It’s amazing!”

Jackson quickly added, “And she hasn’t been partying and stayed away from drinking for months now.  She’s getting a lot of positive PR with little to none negative publicity as of lately… Yeah, for the most part, I think she’s doing well.”

“I saw the articles on that too and it makes me happy to hear that they’re actually true.”

“Yeah, it’s true.  She’s been staying healthy, staying sober, working out, writing songs, and doing well in picking her friends, making sure she surrounds herself with good people… But…”

Jackson takes a bite on another piece of bacon as he also mentally chews on some of his inherent worries.  Jackson is just being honest.  Not to put a damper on Amber’s progress but Jackson cannot help but still worry for Amber at times.  Of course he’s proud.  Are you kidding?!  He’s more than proud.  He’s ecstatic, relieved, amazed and to put it plain and simple, thankful that things have been looking well for his friend.  But there was one little obscuring detail that he can’t seem to shake off.

“But?”  Victoria asks.

Jackson is trying to vaguely phrase a sentence together in his mind that will lessen the attention on the obvious yet supplies just enough details for Victoria to catch the point.

“But…”

“But…” Victoria beats him to it, “She’s still not over Krystal.”

“I wasn’t going to say it like that…It’s more like, she hasn’t fully completed the process of crossing that bridge, jumping that hurdle, crossing that line,” Jackson even resorts to hand motions and animated explanation to make a rhetorical case…

“But…she’s still not over Krystal,” Victoria beat him to it again.

Jackson gives up, shoves another piece of bacon in his mouth and concedes with a heavy sigh.

Amber’s doing great.  He can give her that credit.  But he knows that she’s still hurting.  In fact he feels it in her confession every time Krystal is brought up in an interview question or whenever she gets up on that stage to sing that single she wrote about her.  He’s happy that she has found outlets that are much healthier for her like working out and songwriting.  But he just wishes that he could help her.  He just wishes there was something he could do to sew back the pieces of her broken heart together.

When the dating rumors about Krystal and her new boyfriend was confirmed, sure, Amber didn’t go crazy.  She didn’t resort to extreme means and she didn’t go racing through L.A. to make a scene in retaliation of that news as she normally would.  She simply nodded her head, went to bed, woke up early the next morning, went on a run and went straight to the studio to write a song.  But it still hurt.  She’s toughing it through but look into her eyes and man, you could see how much this girl still means so much to her.  She makes the abstract concept of pain so evidently clear and concrete just by the glint and grief displayed in her eyes.  And that is how real she still feels about her.

“But at least I could say,” this was Jackson’s consolation, “I think she’ll be okay someday.  With anyone who goes through something like that, I think it’ll just take some time.”

Victoria could only nod her head in hope and agreement.  And as though on cue, the sliding glass door from the living room could be heard opening.  As the young lady steps inside the kitchen drenched in sweat after running a whopping seven miles in an hour, dressed in black cladded windbreaker and shorts, the moment she realizes that Victoria was in the room, a huge smile couldn’t keep from forming on her face.  “Jie!”  She walks over and forgets that she is grossly dripping in sweat and probably smells like a dirty wet sock and engulfs Victoria in a tight hug.

Victoria didn’t mind.  She was just glad to see her younger cousin looking healthier than when she last saw her in person.  But she couldn’t hold back her way of showing her affection either, “Yah!  You smell like a freaking wet thirteen-year-old boy who hasn’t showered in a week!  Eww!”

That only made Amber tighten her grip around Victoria and even adds the extra hair rub to share the love, rather, share the sweat, to Victoria.  Laughing as Victoria struggles to push herself off, Amber finally shows mercy and frees Victoria from her arms.  As the two met eyes, Victoria couldn’t keep herself from getting slightly emotional.  She was incredibly relieved to find Amber in such a different plain and direction than when she last left her.  She was happy to find a newly disposed charisma in the person that was standing in front of her.

However, here in this kitchen are two people closest to Amber.  And because Victoria prides herself of that closeness, like Jackson, she can’t help but see the same thing.  She sees a happier, healthier, better, more handsome, more beautiful Amber.  Yet behind the surface of her appearance and behind those charming brown eyes are traces of Krystal, remnants of heartbreak, fragments of fading hope that she, too, wishes to rekindle.

Nevertheless, she couldn’t help but tell her, “I’m so proud of you,” Victoria reaches to rubs her cheeks before she gives it a squeeze.

Smiling as Amber takes her hand, she asks, going straight to the questions that she’s dying to know, “How long are you staying?”

“Just stopping by for a couple of days then I’m off to China to spend some time with the family.”

Amber simply nods her head, “Then let’s make the best out of it.”

And indeed the next couple of days were momentous and inspiring.  As Victoria watched Amber from backstage and observed as she tackled one interview after another, even as she steps off from the platform, behind the scenes in her trailer or waiting room where there are no cameras rolling, the change and maturity in Amber was something she was unaccustomed to.  Yet she embraced it fully and cheered her on until her voice gave out.

Victoria thinks, yeah, she may not be over Krystal but she’s finally over her demons.  No longer sulking in self-pity, self-destruction and self-deprecation, Amber takes one moment at a time with grit and true fashion.  She doesn’t make excuses and no longer cowers from the truth.  She makes it a point to be honest and makes it easy for others to connect with her.

And yeah she may not be over Krystal.  But at least she’s over herself.

[One year later…]

“And the Grammy goes to… Amber Liu.”

Hardly anyone in the arena was surprised.  However, still struck by winning the most coveted accolade that all artists would hope to achieve in their careers, Amber had to take a moment to take it in.

.  I just won Album of The Year.  This can’t be real.  No, idiot it’s real!  Stand up!

And on cue, she stands up from her seat and embraces her mother who was her beloved date for the night.  Her mother whispers the most precious motherly affirmation and affection yet Amber struggles to register everything in her mind.  She gives Ed Sheeran, the buddy next to him, an elicited a hug and nervously shaking, still caught in the cloud nine of the surrealistic milestone in her life and in her career, she slowly walks up the stage and eventually makes her way to accept the trophy.

All spotlights, all cameras, all eyes were now on her as she stares at the golden gramophone in her hands.  She takes another moment to take it in.

…I can’t believe it.

She then looks up, takes a breath and tries her hardest not to break out into tears with her next sentences.  She could barely make out people’s faces in the crowd because of the lights and the tears slowly accumulating.

“Uhh…Wow…First of all, I’d like to thank my beautiful mother who’s sitting in the front row with me.  And to my dad who can’t be here, thank you guys for your constant love and support through all the ups and downs in my life.  Thank you for putting a guitar in front of me and for enabling me in my love for music even though I gave you both countless of sleepless nights.  You guys are the real reason I'm up here tonight.  I love you guys so much.”  She takes another breath.  At the mention of her parents she really thought that she wouldn’t be able to hold it in but she got through it somehow.

She continues, “To all the people at SM Entertainment, thank you for the platform that you guys have given me.  You guys are amazing, from my producers down to my stylist.  Thank you for the hard work that you’ve put in.  This award is a testament to the most amazing team any artist would be blessed to work with.  I love you guys…And I want to say a big thank you to two very special people in my life who has been with me since day one—my best friends, my awesome managers, Victoria, Jackson…”  Amber nearly breaks down.  She chokes up and needed to take a second to reel her emotions in a before she could continue.  “Thank you…for believing in me, for putting up with me, for drawing out the best in me and taking care of me even when I found myself at the lowest point in my life…And lastly...”

Flashes of Krystal came pouring in.  “This album is very special because of a very special person.  Thank you for being the muse, the inspiration and the substance that has made this album truly meaningful…” Amber knows she’s somewhere seated in the arena.  She didn’t need to mention her name but everyone could already assume.  And if that wasn’t clear, the cameraman did the trick by focusing the camera on Krystal on that bit of her speech.  Amber quickly jumps back so as not to prolong any awkward sentiments and whatever ill-favored opinions attached to it.  “Thank you guys!  It’s an honor and an achievement I sure did not expect to win coming into this night.  To all the wonderful, beautiful, creative and imaginative artists, composers and producers in this room, you guys are the real game changers of this industry and I’m just truly humbled and honored to be mentioned alongside all of you…So uhh…I guess all that’s left to say is…drinks on me tonight?”  She handsomely smiles, bows and says, “Thank you.”

She leaves the crowd in a small laughter and a great applause as her acceptances speech ended.  She heads to the backstage as she could hear the MCs concluding the program.  And as people around her continued in their congratulations, she still finds this moment very surreal.  Even as she was holding the Grammy, she still couldn’t wrap her mind around this achievement.

She meets Jackson and Victoria, her mother, even Cara, and other close friends of hers backstage.  She was immediately swarmed by more congratulations and never-ending affectionate hugs.  And even then, Amber couldn’t swallow reality.

The night continued on in a celebratory mood.  Indeed Amber arrived at an exclusive Grammy after-party where she really offered to keep an open tab for everyone.  Everyone was there.  Everyone who attended the ceremony, for the most part, was there.

Although there are drinks everywhere, Amber has trained her self-control in these environments for the past year.  Whereas she would attend such events with the sole purpose to get totally wasted, she has trained herself to stay sober and cool through entire nights like this.  Although Cara makes fun of her for being overly careful and sickeningly cautious these days, she secretly enjoys the fact that they could have nights out without the burden of Amber throwing up, getting into fights, getting into trouble or passing out.  It was a win-win for everybody.  They sat at the VIP lounge and the mood was nothing short of unreal and blissful.  In the company of her close friends, Amber was actually able to enjoy herself and even take the time to thank them one by one.

A lot has happened in the past year, good things for the most part, and Amber never looked and sounded better.  Of course she was far from perfect.  She constantly had to work on her temper and bridle her tongue at times.  She had to fight through criticism and work even harder to win back people’s trust she has betrayed.  But the main important thing was that she kept trying and she’s still trying.  Winning that award meant all those things.  It was more than a musical or a career achievement, it was a testament of how hard she tried, how honest she finally was to herself and lastly, how far she has come.  If there was one word that could describe her underlining emotion, it was that she was thankful. And in the corner of her eye, she couldn’t help but spot one of the more important reasons she was.

She was surprised to see Krystal here.  It’s been a year since the last time they talked.  And even throughout her album promotions, even when their relationship was constantly in question in their separate interviews, and even as she would talk about her album, which leads to talking about her hit single, which leads to talking about her, Amber pulled off perhaps the hardest challenge of her past year, which was: no matter what, give Krystal her space.  To add to her surprise, Krystal came alone, as in not with her boyfriend.  She was with her familiar model friends, but she doesn’t seem to spot the guy around her.  In regard to that subject, to put it short, Amber’s composure has never been at its best.  She had that rage mixed with heartbreak, laced with regret, combined with this ceaseless affection going on inside of her but she managed to stay sane, calm, cool and collected.  She stuck with such vigorous resolve for the sake of Krystal, for the sake of trying her best not to hurt her again and for the sake of succeeding to move forward.  Amber has come to a place that when she sees and hears about her and that guy, her heart tightens for a moment but quickly recovers to release a kind of joy seeing that Krystal was…happy.

Tonight is no different.  She sees Krystal from across the lounge and couldn’t keep herself from feeling at ease and at peace seeing her laughing and smiling with her friends.  It was hard not to stare.  How can she not stare when she hasn’t seen her in a long time in person?

Cara leans close, “I’m going to say hi…here’s your chance.”

Amber thinks it through.  She weighs the pros and cons, the chances and possibilities, and the what if’s and the maybe’s whilst she stares blankly at Cara.

Cara giggles, shakes her head and rolls her eyes.  She stands up from her seat and fixes her dress.  She raises an eyebrow at Amber and tells her, “Don’t think too hard about it and don’t wait too long to act on it.”

Cara then walks off and walks over to where Krystal was standing.  Amber watches as the two meet and exchange hugs and smiles.  Meanwhile, here she was, still stuck in moment, still stuck somewhere in between her heart and her brain.

She missed her.  And that’s an understatement.  Yet she wants to keep things simple for Krystal.  She wanted to protect Krystal—and that’s even bigger understatement.  And to keep things simple and protected meant one simple thing she has mastered in the past year: Space.

But it’s been a year.  It’s been a long time.  The dust has settled at this point.  Yet in her mind approaching her could mean a lot of things.  And in all honestly, there’s apprehension and fear in her hesitation at the uncertainty of Krystal’s reaction.  She wants to approach her but she dares not to appear flippantly casual.  She wants to talk to her just to see how she’s doing but dares not to seem inconsiderate of Krystal’s feelings.

Victoria notices Amber’s pensive contemplation and leans close to offer an advice, “Amber…it’s okay, you know.  Saying hi isn’t a grave sin.  Give yourself a little bit more credit than that.”

Amber flashes Victoria a smile and nod.  She’s right, she thinks.  Saying hi won’t change anything.  Saying hi certainly won’t repair the damage from the past.  And saying hi won’t miraculously pave a smooth road for the future.  At the end of the day, saying hi is just saying hi.

So Amber gets up, fixes her suit, and slowly walks across the room.  She greets others along the way as a way to stall and give her extra minutes to prepare.  As she reaches her destination, Krystal notices right away.  Cara shifts her attention towards Amber and couldn’t suppress the smile forming on her face.  Amber meets eyes with Krystal for the first time in a long time and was immediately overwhelmed by how Krystal always made her feel without fail: stunned.

She musters all the confidence in her bones and finally lets out a two-letter word, too short yet earnest in tone.  “Hi.”

Cara rubs the side of Krystal’s arm and excuses herself, “I’ll talk to you later, Krys.”

Krystal returns the exchange and reverts her eyes to Cara and prepares herself for the unprecedented situation.

As Cara walks away, she doesn’t forget to give Amber an encouraging pat on the shoulder to affirm her friend’s courage in this moment.  Amber, on the other hand, has kept her gaze on Krystal this whole time.

As the two found themselves timely alone in the crowded party, for a second, only stares and timid smiles were exchanged.  A million thoughts flooded Amber’s mind but she finds a second wind of confidence and presses on.

“Uh…” she scratches her neck, “Is this too weird?”  She lets out a nervous chuckle.  “I mean, if this is too much then…” Amber points behind her to imply that she could easily walk back if this was just too much for Krystal.

Krystal flashes a smile to douse the awkwardness and finally reacts,  “Hi.”  Amber didn’t know that a two-letter word could actually make her feel this much relief.

On that exchange, Amber has found a reason to continue.  “Uhh…you look beautiful by the way.”

A shy and a soft “Thank you” was returned.  They both felt awkward and delicate no moment afterwards.

This time, Krystal initiates, “Congratulations too.  I’m very happy for you.”

In Amber’s mind, she thinks that this must be a really good sign.  Maybe it meant that Krystal has indeed listened to her album or if not the album at least her single.  Maybe there was a good chance that Krystal has even seen or heard her interviews.  But Amber presses the brakes in her speculation and focuses back on her current opportunity.

So she goes for it, “Thanks.  That means a lot...  And you know…”  Amber takes a slow and small step closer and continues, “If I can just say two things…”  Amber checks for Krystal’s nonverbal approval to continue.

Krystal gives her nervous nod as a sign to give Amber this chance.  Amber smiles as she takes a deep breath before she continues.  “Krystal…I want to say two things:  I’m sorry and thank you...  First, I’m sorry for everything that I’ve put you through in the past.  I really mean it this time.  And I’m also sorry if I placed a burden on you because of the attention that came from the recent album and single.  But I hope you know, and you know better than anyone, that what I say and what I’ve said in all the interviews is sincere and genuine.”

Amber pauses once again and checks for Krystal expression.  Krystal seemed to have been listening intently not wavering from Amber’s sudden and unexpected apology yet remains to be neutral and unreadable.

So Amber continues, “And second…thank you.”  Amber flashes her a genuine smile, the kind of smile that triggers those million reasons that reminded Krystal why she fell in love with Amber in the first place.  Amber has always been unaware of how that one little gesture could evoke so much color in Krystal’s feelings.  Still remaining neutral in her expression, however, something Krystal has mastered in her years in being a public image, she stares and waits for Amber to continue though much of her emotions are building at a rapid rate inside.

Krystal listens, while Amber explains, “Thank you…for your forgiveness, for your grace and for allowing me to be a part of your life.  It’s not a secret…” Amber lets out a chuckle as she places her hands in her pocket, “You’re my muse and my inspiration.  So I have you to thank for all the success and achievement that I’ve received for this recent album.”

“Oh and…” Amber smiles again, jokes as she takes a jab at herself, “I forgot to add a third clause to this pathetic little speech I find myself doing in front of you.”  Krystal couldn’t help but giggle at the charming lightheartedness of Amber’s “speech”.  Amber rubs the back of her head and presses on, “And lastly—I promise this is the last—I wanted to tell you that I’m just glad to see you—to see how happy you are, to see how wonderful you’re doing and to see you shine brighter in the spotlight as the artist you've always wanted to become.”

Of course, Krystal couldn’t contain her smile at this point. Though shy and still reserved, she could smile at the recognition of Amber’s genuine change and confession.  Krystal has acknowledge that the Amber who was standing in front of her is not the same Amber who stood in front of her that faithful day in Malibu.  Krystal could see her sincere attempt to provide the last bit of closure that will prompt and perpetuate their progress of moving forward in the positive direction in their separate lives.  As an added extra, the approach in which Amber has taken is one that Krystal could actually commend.

And in this moment, they both are on the same page with this one understanding:  Who they are to each other and who they’ll always be is an unavoidable and an inescapable reality.  A lot has change, but a few things will always remain the same. They can’t ignore the feelings that will always be attached and will always remain associated when it comes to their relationship whether it be friendship or a mere acquaintances in the future.  They can’t change the outcome of their past nor ignore it when looking forward into the future.  And the most poignant yet certain and undeniable aspect of their reality is that they will never fail to not care for each other whether it’d be then, now or…in the future.

To put it simply and forward…

“It’s funny isn’t it…” for the sake of honesty and momentum, Amber lays it out, “In the midst of all the changes in both of our lives, who you are to me will always remain constant.”

Krystal smiles, nods her head and admits, “Yeah…yeah I guess I could say the same thing.”

“Krystal, your new movie is doing well in the box office.  I hear you’ve also been touring and promoting the movie with your cast members.  You’re also going to be on the new cover of Vogue next month.  And I hear that you’re going to be walking at the upcoming New York Fashion Week.  Do you ever take a break?”

“Ryan, when you say it like that, I get a headache.  Haha…But really, I know my schedule is a whirlwind right now but I’m not complaining.  I still find myself enjoying what I’m doing despite the busyness.  And maybe when all of these things are done, I’ll probably take a break.”

“You definitely deserve that much needed break… But despite your busy schedule we also see you make an appearance at different parties and events.  For example, you were at the Grammy’s just recently to present an award, right?”

“Yeah I was!  It was amazing and I wouldn’t miss it for the world.  The performances were amazing.  And just getting to sit in a room filled with some of the most talented icons of our music industry was an incredible experience.”

“And speaking of the Grammys and incredible musicians, I must say, the talk of that night was none other than Grammy-winning Album of the Year artist, Amber Liu, who, of course is no secret to anyone, is your ex-girlfriend.  And to put it out there, all of us in the studio are really dying to ask, how did you react to Amber winning Album of the Year and her acceptance speech?  I know she didn’t mention you by name but everyone knew she was referring to you.”

“Ha.  Well… Like you said, she didn’t explicitly mention my name so to talk about a reaction from her acceptance speech will seem a little out of place for me.”

“Oh but come on Krystal.  She could only mean one person when she was talking about the inspiration of her new music.  Amber has made that pretty clear whenever she would talk about her single…”

“… … …”

“Well…In general, my reaction to the whole thing is that I think it’s beautiful…Personally, I love the song and I’ve actually listened to her album and it is an impressive masterpiece.  So it’s an honor, I guess…Obviously it reveals a lot of the emotions, the heartbreak and the beautiful love story that we experienced, which is something to us—to me—a very private thing but…the song is just so extraordinary that all I can say is…wow…it’s beautiful.  It’s hard to get mad or sad or angry or defensive about something so beautiful.”

“Indeed, it’s an amazing album.  I know you’ve probably been asked an overabundance of questions regarding this topic for the past year because of its heighten success that just so happens to shed so much spotlight on you and your love life.  In fact, it’s been the buzz around the rumor mill that you and Amber were seen hanging out at the Grammy after party.  So again, we’re all dying to know, what’s the status on you guys?  Are you guys talking again?  Friends?  More than friends?”

“Ha…wow Ryan.  You guys are so quick with the gossip, aren’t you?”

“Hey, I’m just asking the questions that everyone wants to ask!”

“Haha…Okay well…I did attend the Grammy after party that everyone and their moms attended, haha…And yes, I did see Amber there.  And to answer your question…we’re okay.  We’re in good terms with each other.  You know, she’s someone I’ll always care about whether up close or from a distance.  And yeah…we’re good.  To be honest, the Grammy after party was the first time we spoke to each other in a long time.  And it was actually…nice.  It was nice seeing her—seeing in person how much she’s changed and seeing in person her dreams coming true.  I think it’s interesting despite of all that her and I have been through, I still think so highly of her.  She’s someone that never ceases to inspire me and impress me.  And after briefly talking to her that night, I could say we’re in good terms and in a good place separately in our own lives.  Everything else is just gossip and nonsensical rumors.”

“And what about the rumors that you and TOP have broken up?”

“All the rumors about a bad break up or one of us cheating on the other is completely false.  Although, it’s true that I’m single now.  We’re both very busy with our lives and career and decided to part ways.  It was mutual, very civil and we both agreed that it was for the best for the both of us.  And frankly I just want to focus on myself for once.  I’m actually very happy right now being single and I think I’m okay staying like this for a while.”

“Wow!  Krystal Jung is single!”

“Haha…but not totally ready to mingle.”

“Yeah but still…I bet someone is going to be happy to hear that.”

“Haha…Sure.  Whatever Ryan.  I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

A/N:  I think I have one chapter left after this one.  Here's the deal...I wrote this chapter kind of open-ended because I'm so torn with how I want to conclude it.  I'm not sure if I want to end it angsty, happy or angsty-happy.  Haha... I have like three ending options in my head and I'm currently undecided so the last chapter might come a little longer than the usual...or come earlier if I feel suddenly inspired!  Anyways...aren't you guys happy that this one is not too angsty?!  <3 Z