CHAPTER 5 || EASY

“I almost forgot how remarkable the view was from here.”

Amber seconds that notion in her mind for surely, there was no other sight in the world as beautiful as the girl that was in front of her.  However, Amber kept shut, biting her bottom lip, restraining her urgency to explain, to extrapolate, to probably make a complete out of herself.

Krystal on the other hand was now wearing her heart on her sleeve.  She couldn’t contain it any longer.  Her breathing has become heavier and if she grips it any tighter, the mug that she was holding would certainly break.  Ironically, she could probably use the same description for the heart she was exposing in her hand.

Krystal takes one long breath and finally turns her head to meet Amber’s eyes.  She blinks her eyes to somehow manage the flow of her tear ducts.  With that exchange alone, Amber began to feel the remorse and regret for she yet again realizes that she’s the source for the pain that she’s seeing in Krystal’s eyes.

With spite and unresolved grief, Krystal lets out, “Am I that easy to you?”

Amber closes her eyes, rubs her brows in self-reproach.  .  She utters in her mind.  .  .  .

The truth was, Krystal was never easy for Amber…

[Flashback.  Two years ago.  First meeting.]

“Amber, is this your first time meeting Krystal?”  The talk show host motioned to Krystal who was sitting across from Amber.

Nervous and struck by how stunning she actually looked up close and personal, Amber a little short of her typical confidence, answers in a caveman manner, “Ah.  Um.  Yeah.”  Amber smiles and only managed to look at Krystal in the eye for a second before nodding away the embarrassment.

Krystal bites her lip, hiding her amusement and follows up with, “I’m actually a huge fan of Amber.”

The host, brilliant in his craft, capitalized in the obvious heart-fluttering moment, “Amber, what do you think of Krystal?”

Imbecilic and idiotic, she answers, “Uh.  Um.  Yeah.  She’s.  Uh.  Pretty.  Very pretty.”

The crowd cooed and cheered as the two girls blushed and flushed giddy with nervousness and excitement.

[Flashback.  Two years ago.  First date.]

It wasn’t easy for Amber to get Krystal’s number.  Because she didn’t have the courage to do it herself in person, she had to sacrifice her Laker playoffs courtside tickets for a whole month, seven hundred dollars of cash in her wallet, not to mention her dignity and her ‘cool’ image for a fleeting fifteen-second debauchery of an Instavid that Cara has claimed in return for a mere ten digit code that could connect her device to Krystal’s.

Even then, it was worth it.  She resiliently made her presence evident in Krystal’s life.  And what began as a shy and simple text message, turned into four-hour long distance phone calls about everything and anything three days in a row.  And on the seventh day, though it wasn’t easy, Amber managed to get out nine crucial words: “Will you go out on a date with me?”

And now she was waiting for Krystal’s arrival at a rooftop restaurant, which Amber has bought out for the night, and even in that moment, it wasn’t easy.  It wasn’t easy to get the Krystal Jung to go on a date with her.  And it surely wasn’t easy to convince her to go on another date with her after that.

With much courage dressed in cheesy one-liners and cliché handwritten song, Amber pulls all the big guns in one night, convinces Krystal that she’ll treat her like a princess and by some miraculous work of the heavens, Krystal agrees on a second date.

[Flashback.  A year and ten months ago.]

They have been dating officially for two months and the whole world, skeptical at first, was now fully aware and fully engrossed in the young couple.  This wasn’t easy for Amber either.  The paparazzis and media outlets feasted every chance they could at the two girls.  Amber’s reaction was vehement and territorial at the very least.  It wasn’t easy for Krystal and because such was the case, it was even harder for Amber.  Amber wanted to protect her, Amber wanted to guard her, Amber used all measure she could to make sure that Krystal receives the least amount of criticism and judgment from this thing even if it meant taking the brunt and the heat of it all.

Still, it was worth it for Amber.

She’ll fly to New York, fly to Milan, fly to Paris, fly to Seoul just to pick her up as soon as she was finished with a show.  With minimal sleep and rigorous tour schedule, Amber would find holes and negotiate compromises with her management just so she could spend that extra one or two hours with Krystal.  Surely it wasn’t easy.  But Amber was obsessed.  She was head over heels in love with this girl.  And she made sure Krystal felt that at the expense of letting the whole world sense it as well.

She couldn’t help show her off on Twitter, on Instagram, on interviews, in events.  She had no regard for the opinions of her fans and management.  And she barreled through criticism and setbacks just to prove to Krystal and to prove to the rest of the watching world that she was serious: she liked her—as in really liked her.

[Flashback.  A year and six months ago.]

It’s been six months since they’ve been dating and it has been a month since she has last seen her girlfriend.  With her arena tour and Krystal’s new acting career, it has been difficult for the two to see each other face to face.  It wasn’t easy for Amber.  She was the obvious jealous type.  And every time articles came out about a rumored breakup and a rumored dating scandal between Krystal and her costar, Amber couldn’t take it.  It was the source of their bickering and blowups for the last six weeks and it came to a point where Amber had enough.

In the middle of her tour, from all the way on the other side of the country, the moment Amber stepped off the stage, she raced to the airport just to fly to L.A. that night.  Arriving at the crack of dawn, Amber rushes to Krystal’s Hollywood apartment.  With a fresh spring bloomed flower Amber illegally snatched on her way up, rushing from the parking lot to the stairs of Krystal’s 8^th floor apartment (because an elevator took forever in Amber’s sleep-deprived logic), she rings the doorbell and was met by a very surprised and crankily awoken princess Jung.

She gathers her composure and begins a heartfelt and sincere apology for all her douchebagery for the past weeks.  She extends the pathetic little flower and was met graciously with forgiveness, a reciprocated apology, a hug and a kiss to make it all better.

It wasn’t easy for Amber.  It wasn’t easy for her to make Krystal fall in love with her.  And it sure hell wasn’t easy for her to keep Krystal in love with her.  But she made every effort, she took every high road, she pushed through every barrier because even though it wasn’t easy, to Amber, Krystal was worth the trouble.

[Back to the present.]

“Krystal—”

“Amber, what have I ever done to you?  Why is it so easy for you to hurt me?!  Am I really that easy to you?!”  Krystal thumped on Amber’s chest with every word.  Amber had to lock her arms around Krystal to keep her from throwing more punches and to shoulder Krystal’s failing balance as she finally breaks down in front of Amber.

Amber doesn’t know how to utter the words I’m sorry.  She’s saying it repeatedly in her mind but she feels that she has already lost her right to ask for forgiveness.  So she does what she thinks is the next best thing: she saves the apology, shuts as she supports Krystal’s weight, soothing her back with a guilt-ridden affection.

After some two minutes, Krystal pushes herself off from Amber’s embrace, carefully unfolds Amber’s lock around her, gather’s her emotions instinctively while shaking her head.  “I don’t even know why I’m here,” she says as she takes a step back.

Amber has yet to utter any response.  Amber got what she had hoped.  Krystal was here.  She was back in her presence once again.  However, she has betrayed her feelings and has crassly exploited her softness and what she thought would feel right in this moment awfully feels traumatically wrong.

In Amber’s defense, she’s never loved anyone as much as she loves the person in front of her.  She gave her everything she could without saving a piece for herself.  So when she singlehandedly royally ed it all up, paving the way for Krystal’s departure, she lost what felt like everything.  Her rhyme and reason poisoned by this obsession would take her through lengths and distance just to bring her back and restore the order in her now empty life even if it consequently and unintentionally hurt the person she wanted to hurt the least.

With a condescending scoff, Krystal asks Amber, “Do you even remember what you did last night?  Do you even know how it easy it was for you to hurt me?”

Amber was getting increasingly livid with the mention of the word easy.

With building frustration, Amber runs the tip of her fingers through her scalp and finally opens , “It’s not easy.  Stop saying it’s easy.  To say that it was easy is to imply that I meant to deliberately hurt you.”

“But isn’t that what you did?!  Isn’t that what you’re doing?!”  Krystal’s voice was beginning to thunder.  A storm was brewing in close distance.

“No.  Krystal…  !  No!”  Amber was still trying to physically recover her energy from last night’s toil.  She felt dizzy with her sudden reaction that she had to turn away from Krystal and clutch the wooden railing to leverage her weight in attempt to stay balanced.  She inhaled and exhaled fervently trying to simmer down her rising adrenaline.

After few repeated breaths, in a much careful tone, Amber continues, “It’s not easy.  I mean look at me.  If it were easy to hurt you then wouldn’t you think it would be easy to forget you?  Kinda like you.  Kinda like how easy it was for you.  If that were the case for me then wouldn’t you think we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now?!”  Amber regrets her scathing attempt to explain the second it exited for now she was aiming the guilt at Krystal.  Amber knows it’s a low blow, a lot uncalled for and something she doesn’t have the license to throw.

Krystal thunders, “ you Amber!  Really.  you.  I hate—” Amber turns her head towards Krystal and finds her tears heart-wrenching.  And with a hoarse yet boisterous tone, Krystal continues, “I hate how you make me feel!  I hate you for always doing this to me!  I hate how you always make me feel like it’s my fault!”

Clenched jaw, pressed eyes, heart split, Amber reaches for Krystal’s hand, which was only pushed away.  She tries once again and this time she forcefully pulls her in.  Krystal fights and tries to push herself out of Amber’s hold but having been left emotionally exasperated and physically spent, Krystal simply bends and breaks in Amber’s arms.

“I’m sorry Krys…  I’m sorry…  Baby, I’m sorry.”  She finally says it.  She has finally stooped in the lowest possible level of undignified ingratitude.  She knows she doesn’t deserve her forgiveness.  She knows she doesn’t even have the right to ask.

Through her weak sobs, Krystal difficultly expresses her nagging frustration, “You always say you’re sorry…but you always do this.  You always do this to me…”

What could Amber possibly utter back?  What could she possibly say to mend the broken and dislocated pieces of Krystal’s heart that she has singlehandedly shattered?  I’m sorry.  That’s all she could think to say and that’s all she could muster to do.  “Krystal, I’m sorry.  I’m sorry…” And with the wave of emotions now pouring out, without even thinking it through, Amber lets out an unwarranted truth, “I…I’m sorry.  I…I love you.”

Forget the thunders because here comes the charging storm.  Krystal violently breaks from Amber’s hold and with a blaming finger and unrepressed tears, she shouts, “You don’t love me!  Amber, you don’t love me!”

“Krystal—”

“No!  You don’t.  If you did we wouldn’t be where we are now…  You don’t love me!  You don’t love me because you don’t how to love anyone else but yourself!”

Amber reaches out again but pathetically fails, “Krystal—”

“Tell me, Amber.  When you cheated on me over and over again, when you lied to me, when you kissed Cara last night, was it because you loved me?!”

Silenced by every rightfully pointed accusation, Amber could only close her eyes and stoop her head down.

Between Krystal and Amber, only the whimpering sobs of Krystal could be heard for the next minute.

After some time, still lacking the ability to meet Krystal in the eyes, Amber whispers, “I’m sorry.  You’re right.  I don’t know how…” Amber’s voice trailed as she felt it so achingly in her heart how sorry she was and how much she loves her, how much she’s not over her, how stupid she was for messing up the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to her.  Tears were silently rolling down her face.  Yet still unable to meet Krystal’s broken gaze, Amber pinches her eyes shut to keep the tidal wave of regrets from falling.

There’s a lot that Amber wishes she could explain to Krystal.  There’s a lot that she wishes to give reason to.  And there’s a lot that Amber wishes she could do to apologize and make up for all the hurt she has inflicted on her.  But it’s becoming more and more inevitably clear that…she can’t take back the words she’s said and she can’t undo the mistakes she’s made.  Yet in this sea of should have’s, could have’s, would have’s, one thing remained unwaveringly clear…

“Krystal… You’re right.  In fact, I think—no, I know you deserve someone better, something better than what I gave you.  And perhaps I may never get the chance to explain or really prove it to you but…I really did and I still do…love you.”

Krystal understands this one fatal thing:  Amber was abundantly sincere.  Isn’t it true that even the most ravaging storm has an eye?  Though the eye doesn’t promise the storm would be over—in fact, there’s a likelihood that things might get worse—there is a definitive eye in every storm where calm and peace resides.  Perhaps, this was it.  Despite all the reasons Krystal may have to make a case to contradict Amber’s confession, she believes it to be the most true.  She knows that the most confounding tragedy in their reality is that Amber did and still does love her in the purest definition of the word.

That’s why Krystal has somehow found herself here.

But how else do they go from here?  It’s a dead end.  An infinite cycle of storms and tsunamis.

Krystal takes out the ring that was in her pocket all along.  She places it on the wooden railing next the mug that she was holding.  Letting go of this mere item meant so many different things and signified so many broken promises and sure it meant one final thing for Krystal:  it’s time to let go now.

“I forgive you,” Krystal wholeheartedly confesses making Amber finally meet her in the eyes.  And taking one last look at the ring and one last look at Amber, she says, “I love you too.  I did…and still do.  But we cant…”

With Krystal’s last exhausted breath, she ends it, “So this is it.”

Three weeks later and that confrontation feels more like a dream with every passing day.  Amber has done a lot of sober thinking and she’s done a lot of that sober soul searching.  For three weeks Jackson has been wary, prepared and ready for the bat crazy Amber ready to break out and go out of control but surprisingly Amber showed no signs of bending will power.

But it’s not enough to cheer, praise and applaud.  Amber is still dealing with PTSD from that last encounter with Krystal.  She’s just taken it to long days and long nights of sleeping it away in her dreams rather than what Cara has coined her predictable propensity to explode in the most banal, Hollywood sort of way.  In fact, even the thought of alcohol, drugs and has left such a rancid taste in and memories that it has perpetually repulsed her from the use and indulgence of it.

Perhaps what Jackson is most thankful for is that he doesn’t need to worry about any publicity mess as of late.  He too had his proverbial seatbelt ready for yet another dysfunctional roller coaster episode but found the ride surprisingly smooth so far.  This was far from Jackson’s business as usual ordeal.  This was relatively calm, miraculously steady, and frighteningly easy.  So upon his recent observation of his talent, he finds her a little too unpredictable now.

As a friend, Jackson has never felt more protective and careful.  He senses the heartbreak that Amber is experiencing and he senses her grief and confusion in the aftermath.  When Krystal walked out after their conversation, Jackson didn’t approach Amber until two hours later.  And when he found her in the same posture and position, frozen and unmoved, the moment he made an approach, he held Amber and watched her broken for the first time.

He has never seen his friend cry—as in weep—in his life.  Amber has always had the tough persona so seeing her fall from grace was shocking and equally as heartbreaking.  In Jackson’s mind, this was it.  This would make her or break her.  But seeing how she has responded somewhere in the middle, Jackson leans on hope.  He errs in optimism and in faith that his friend will find a way to get through this.

And Amber…well…she is doing what she can.  Amber is taking it in.  She’s letting Krystal’s words reverberate through her thoughts not to be masochistic but to have it really stick this time.  She has come to a resolve that sometimes you have to tear down before you could build up once again.  And perhaps…Krystal’s forgiveness was enough for now—enough to tear down leaving just enough to build from.  And after three weeks, she thinks, I gotta make at least a few things right.

Hence her current appearance in Milan for Fashion Week.  After receiving the box of margherita pizza that she had Jackson picked up, she breezes past the crowded set and finds her way to Cara’s dressing room.  She left the floor during the final catwalk to secretly hide in Cara’s dressing room.  Cara knows Amber was at the show but she didn’t anticipate finding her propped comfortably on the couch the moment she walked inside her dressing room.

Amber stands up upon seeing Cara.  She picks up the box of pizza and slowly makes her way towards her.  “I come in peace…and good tidings.”  Amber was still unsure of their current status since Cara left for London without contacting her since then.

After some awkward seconds, Cara takes a lofty bite of a pizza, takes the box from Amber, and gives her a warm hug.  Very Cara.  Very missed.

Wrapped in Cara’s embrace, Amber takes the opportunity to elusively apologize, “So I take it you’re not mad at me anymore.”

Chuckling as Cara pulls away, she says, “I was never mad at you…  Idiot.”

They both took a seat on the couch while they fed on the pizza.  It was slightly awkward and a little too quiet than their usual dynamic, but at least they were okay.

Cara too has been doing a lot of thinking for the last several weeks.  She needed to give herself some space and needed to give Amber some space after the closeness they have experienced in their last get-together.  But now that they’re both in the same room, I guess a conversation about everything is now inevitable.

In a verbal brute fashion, Cara dives right in, “So…I’m taking it didn’t go very well with…you know…shall I say her name or will you go nuts and kiss me again?”

It was already a little prickly early on in this conversation but Amber just takes it in.  She flashes a calm smile and tells her, “Well…it was…you know…a little…kind of…yeah it didn’t’ go well.”

Both let out a suppressed chuckle upon Amber’s answer.

Atypical from Amber’s style, she surprises Cara with this next thing, “Cara…I’m sorry…for everything.”

Taken aback, Cara reacts, “Woah!  Wait.  Someone slap me.  No!  Actually, someone needs to check your pulse instead!”  Cara cups Amber’s face and begins a thorough examination.  After the dramatic theatrics, still holding Amber’s face, she says, “Did you just say S-O-R-R-Y?  Since when—wait!  Did Jackson teach you that word?”

Playfully swatting her hands away, Amber laughs and grabs Cara’s hands in hers and affectionately continues, “Seriously Cara.  I’m being serious.  I really am so—”

“Shush!”  Cara pinches her lips shut.  “Why are you apologizing to me?  You don’t need to say sorry.”

“But I am.  I really am sorry for all the that I’ve—”

“Oh god!  If you say sorry one more time I swear I’m gonna walk out of this door and break this five-year friendship.”

“But Cara—”

“Amber!  I’m your friend.  You’re my best friend!  And in this ed up, twisted, crazy yet endearing friendship that we have going on, there are no sorry’s or thank you’s between you and I.”  Cara pauses and squeezes Amber’s hand sincerely and after ten quiet seconds she continues, “I appreciate it though.  I appreciate whatever the hell this is you’re doing.  I see that you’re finally trying to piece things together.”

Amber could only respond with a smile.  She was relieved to find that she hasn’t totally ed up everything that was relatively good around her, which includes Cara.  To Amber, Cara was a testament that good friendships can withstand even the most questionably trying seasons of someone’s life.  That gave her more measure of hope to believe that perhaps one day…maybe one day…Krystal will…

Well let’s not get too ahead of ourselves just yet.

And because they were good friends indeed, Cara doesn’t fail to bring up the subject, “So how are you?  How are you really?”

Amber thought about it for a second.  Here’s a new thing she’s trying to do:  Just be honest.  Just be real.

She lets out a brittle breath and just exposed herself real.  And with a condescending snicker, she admits, “I’m…you know.  It hurts.  It ing hurts.”  She didn’t hide it any longer from Cara as Amber met her eyes, “I didn’t think it was possible for a human being to actually feel this much…pain.  But…”

“But at least now you know what you’re made out of.”

Amber chuckles at Cara’s unfailing genius because yes at least she now understands that truth about her capacity to feel so strongly for another person.

“Amber…” Cara was exposing her rare form as well, “At least you know for sure without any doubt in your mind that what you and Krystal had was real…because falling out of that love is as painful as it was beautiful falling in.”

Amber swallows it in.  She gulps down the great tragedy of her youth and embeds the ethereal feeling of that love in her soul.

Yeah…it was real.

Because it was beautiful as it is painful.

A/N: I don't know if any of you guys have experienced this kind of heartbreak before.  If you have, I'm sure you could relate well with Kryber.  Anyways, I hope I was able to capture the turbulent emotions of going through something like that in this chapter.  This chapter is dfinitely depressing but...there's a little bit hope--just enough to keep us somewhat(?) optimistic in the end.  Stay tuned!  ^_^