“Hey, let's play a game,” he Minseok whispered as he held out his hand. “Let's play a game of scissors, paper, stone. If I win, I get to jump.

That was the first thing Lu Han had heard the moment he got home from his University classes. He wanted to speak, but everything was stuck in his throat. He wanted to say no, but why couldn't he?

Instead, he just stood rooted to the ground, at a loss for words, his heart thumping loudly in his ears. Fear flashed in his eyes and saw Minseok positioned himself at the edge of the window. One of his legs was dangling outside the window and the other inside. He could see his lover's hand shaking from fear, yet having such a determined look in his eyes. He was afraid of death, and yet he wanted it so badly.

He couldn't fathom why Minseok would do this. He promised Lu Han that he wouldn't do anything to take away his life and yet, why was he sitting at the edge of the window? Their apartment was 12 stories high and they were living on the top floor. What awaited below was just stone, cold cement. The last thing he wanted was to see his lover disappear out of the window. He looked at the Minseok – pale face, sunken cheeks, dry skin and an alarmingly thin body. It wasn't a sight to see. Finally, his brain started functioning and he took a step forward.

 “Don't!” Minseok roared as he glared at male before him. Her voice dropped into a low whisper, “Don't come any closer or I'll jump now.”

“Mins-“

“I can't do this anymore,” he sobbed. “Why are you keeping me here when I don't want to? Don't you know how it feels to be in this situation? I can't sleep, I can't eat and I'm sure as hell I can't live like this anymore. I'm tired Lu Han, I'm done with this. Every morning I wake up unable to go back to sleep and all I think about is me being a burden to everyone here. I try to smile and forget about all these thoughts, but I can't. I hear voices. They're telling me to end all of this.

“They're always there; telling me I'm worthless and that I'm doing is causing so much trouble. I stay at home, not doing anything, but lie in bed while everyone runs around. I can't talk to people anymore, not even to you. I can't bear to let you see me this way. Do you have any idea how much I want to talk to you? But I'm scared of what's going to come after everything else. I'm scared you'll judge me, I'm scared you won't believe me. I'm scared you'll be like the rest – how they tell me to just “get over it”. 

 “This isn't something I can get over, Lu. I just can't. It's not like the fever where medication can cure me in a day or two. It haunts me every day and I can't get rid of it. I've been suffering for God knows how long. It's – it's just that I can't do it, and the stares? It's frightening. I know people judge me for how I look and behave. I can't be outside. The talk, the whispers, the gossip, I can't stand it anymore. I want it to end.”

By the time he finished his rant, her voice was barely above a whisper and Lu Han was back to his silent self. What could he say at this point in time?

Minseok was broken – and he knew it. His lover had always been the one to keep things to himself and this was one of the things he kept Lu Han in the dark. It had been three years since it all started since he found out that his lover had been self-harming. The scars, the wounds, everything. It scared Lu Han to see how deathly thin Minseok was, littered with scars from every wound he had inflicted himself with.

Minseok had always been lonely. He was an outcast in school and bullied half his life, causing him to shut everyone out. It wasn't long enough before he found out a way to block out how he felt – cutting. Physical pain had always been easier to manage as compared to emotional, was Minseok had thought.

All Lu Han wished was that he knew about it earlier to be there for him more. But now, it was too late. Minseok was a strong person, but even the strongest person alive had a breaking point. Today was Minseok's. Carefully, Lu Han took a step closer to him, but all Minseok did was send him a deadly glare. It was enough to make him stop in his tracks. Is this how it was going to end?

“Minseok, please don't do this,” Lu Han begged, stretching his hand towards the latter. “Please don't do anything rash and get down from there. I won't judge you if you tell me. I'm here for you till the end. Didn't I tell you that before? I love you Minseok, please don't do this. How about this. Your game of scissors, paper, stone – let – let's play that. If I win, you'll come down from the window, right?”

Lu Han didn't care how pathetic he sounded or how his tears were falling. All he wanted was for his lover to be safe. Nothing else mattered at this point but that.

 “I'm sorry Lu Han. I love you, but please, let me be selfish this once and just let me go.”

“No! Are you insane? And see the one love die? Why would I do that!? Please don’t listen to the voices in your head, I beg of you, Minseok, please.”

“Don't you want to see me happy?” Minseok pleaded. “This is the only way to make me happy. These feelings, I wan all of it to end. The sadness, the pain – all of it – I want it to end. I don't want to feel anymore.”

Minseok wasn't hysterical like before anymore. He had called down after his rant and his eyes were clearer than ever His eyes were sad and yet it was so clear with conviction. Happy? Lu Han's breath hitched when he heard that word. Would his lover truly be happy once he made the choice to jump? Would he finally see him smile after years? The picture of Minseok's smile lingered at the back of Lu Han's mind. He knew Minseok had made up his mind but this isn't the way. No, it can't end like this.

Lu Han pushed that thought away and ran towards Minseok, embracing him as hard as he could. He could feel the shorter male struggle in his embrace, but that doesn't stop him. He could hear the latter ask Lu Han to let go, but that was the last thing he wanted to do – let go. All he could do was to whisper sorry as he tightened his embrace around him. After a minute of struggling, he felt finally Minseok relax in his embrace.

Lu Han buried his face into the crook of his lover's neck as he promised he would do better as a lover. Minseok looked over at Lu Han with saddened eyes as he ran his fingers through Lu Han's hair and said, “Don't be sorry. You did whatever you could and I'm happy for that. You were my light in the darkness, my ray of hope. You were there at my lowest as well as my highest. So, thank you.”

With shaky hands, Minseok brings Lu Han's face up and kisses him. Lu Han's shoulders tense up as Minseok's chapped lips made contact with his. He noted that Minseok's hands and lips were cold from the night. How long had he been there? There were too many questions in his mind, but Minseok's kiss made his mind go blank. Lu Han finally responded to the kiss, kissing his lover, again and again, kissing him more intensely with every kiss.

As they broke apart, Minseok resting his forehead on his lover’s. Lu Han was in fool’s paradise. He thought everything would be fine, but god was he so wrong. Taking Lu Han’s hands in his, he whispered as a tear escaped from his eye, “I’m happy that I could spend my last few years with you. I’ll be selfish for once and do what I wanted all this time. You’re everything to me and I’m sorry I’m not strong enough to carry on with you.”

Before Lu Han could process anything, he felt a hard push as he fell to the ground and with that, Minseok was gone. Scrambling to his feet, he rushed to the window only to see his lover drop and hit the ground. In a panic, he flew out of the house.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Please tell me this is all a dream.

Lu Han wished it was a dream, but he knew it wasn’t. His heart was thumping wildly, sweat running down his forehead as he ran down the emergency exit. By the time he reached the ground floor, a crowd had appeared around Minseok’s body.

Breaking through the crowd, Lu Han finally got a glimpse of his lover’s body. Running towards him, Lu Han cradled the limp body in his arms, tears streaming down his face. People were watching, blood was soaking through his clothes and yet none of it mattered. What mattered was the state Minseok was in. He was there before he jumped and yet there was nothing he could do to save his own lover.

It was an utterly horrible and grotesque scene where blood was splattered everywhere and yet in the midst of all of that, all he saw was his peaceful smile.