HELLO GUYS!!! I'm really sorry for another late (and crappy) update. Pray for my soul, guys... FINALS WEEK IS COMING T.T I don't know how I would survive huhuhuhuhu... and pray for my country as well. There is something going on in my country right now... people are being divided by political beliefs... so please include the Philippines in your prayers :))) (Watch out for an upcoming story after I finish this one... but it will be long before I can post it... it would need so much planning. I think that will be my biggest story AHAHAHA okay stop it)

So... here is the story!!! Maybe two more chapters!!! 

LI

Reflection

Jungkook’s POV:

I let out another labored sigh for the umpteenth time as I pushed the door of our house open. It was just wood, and it did not change for all the years that I had been living behind it, but I felt like for some reason, it was several times heavier than I remembered it was. That, or maybe it was not the door that gained some extra weight.

Today I went home from work alone, since Youngbae said that he had a friends’ night out. He was probably talking about the friends that we met at the grand homecoming party.

When I entered the living room, the cold air immediately hit me. With me being the only one inside the house, the place felt very lonely. Not a single light bulb was left on, giving the place an even sadder atmosphere. When I was done working for the day, I expected coming home to at least cheer me up after Taehyung’s surprise arrival. Apparently, I was wrong, because even the very walls of the house seemed to be staring at me with the same look that everyone had been giving me recently.

Not even bothering to turn any of the lightbulbs on, I went straight to my room and into the bath. It was the best and the only way I could think of at the moment to clear my mind of the thoughts that kept on bothering me ever since I went back to Korea.

After filling the tub with enough water and putting in all the stuff that I wanted, I stepped into the cold liquid and lowered my body until I was lying down, with only my head exposed so I could still breathe. Then, I closed my eyes and tried to relax.

I just lied there for a few minutes, trying my best to clear my mind of any thought. But being the unfortunate human being that I am, I failed at it, and instead of removing any negative image from my mind, scenarios began playing behind my closed eyelids.

Come on, Jungkook, stop thinking! I mentally screamed to myself as I felt my own hands tighten around the edges of the bath tub. But despite telling myself over and over again to just stop thinking, I still could not.

Then, a thought crossed my mind. What if I just think about it for now? I mean… I’ve been running away from it for a long time now but I got nothing from it. So what if I just let my mind work on its own? Maybe it’s about time I confront myself, right?

I opened my eyes and let out a sigh in preparation for what I was about to do. When I was sure I was stable enough and my mind was ready, I once again closed my eyes and started to let the thoughts fill my mind.

The first question that popped in my mind was how I really feel towards Jimin. And the honest answer was – I really do not know myself. I am sure that I still feel something towards him, something negative, something that is enough to keep me away from him, but I am not sure what it exactly is. Maybe this is not the right question to start with. I said to myself.

How about thinking about how you feel about the incident itself? I thought. Honestly, I WAS hurt back then. No, hurt was an understatement for what I felt when I saw Jimin, MY Jimin, kissing Taehyung, to whom he may or may not have undying feelings for at that time. I was even mad at Jimin for betraying me and the trust that I blindly gave to him, and at Taehyung for letting Jimin kiss him despite knowing my relationship with him – despite being my friend. But after knowing what actually happened, or rather hearing Jimin’s side of the story, I know that it was not just anger anymore. Well, the feeling was still there, but it mellowed down, and something else rose instead.

It made me wonder… What could’ve happened if I let Jimin-hyung explain himself right from the start? What would’ve happened if I actually stayed and fought for him? Maybe things would not be as bad as they are today. But maybe not. No one could ever be so sure about that matter. Only one thing is certain, though – the situation should have been better if we actually talked about it, instead of me running away from everything.

“That’s it…” I said to myself out loud as I opened my eyes, making the sudden change in the lighting blind me for a few moments. “Maybe… maybe I’m mad not just at Jimin-hyung and Taehyung-hyung.”

Maybe I’m also mad at myself for not fighting for him or not even hearing him out first before leaving. Even though I claimed that I loved him so much, I still did not do anything to make him stay with me.

But still… he betrayed you, Jungkook. That familiar voice in my head once again popped up. He disregarded the immense trust that you put in him. Jimin already did it once. He can do it again.

The thought made a frown appear on my face. It was an unpleasant thought – Jimin doing it again even after everything that happened. But thinking about it… it was not really a betrayal. In fact, he was just trying to save me from future greater hurt. If I fall for him deeper and deeper, and give to him more and more up to the point that nothing is left for myself, I could not imagine what could happen to me if he discovers later on that he really loves Taehyung.

If anything, what Jimin did was more for me than for himself.

No.

It was actually all for me. He must have felt uncomfortable doing that to Taehyung, who broke up with him for unknown reasons. But even so, he still did it, just to make sure that I do not waste my love on someone that would turn out to not really love me back.

The feeling of guilt that started consuming me was not good at all, so instead of basking in it and reflecting upon myself, I let out a sigh and stood up from the tub, opting to rinse to distract myself from the dangerous thoughts that are new to me.

This is too troublesome. I said to myself. There are so many obstacles along the way. It really isn’t meant to be, is it?

When I came out of the bathroom, it was only then when the darkness of the whole house registered to me. I proceeded on turning the light in my room on so I could get dressed without fear of hitting my toes on bed or table posts. After putting on an old plain white shirt and a pair of boxers, I went out of my room and proceeded on turning on all the lights in the house, first with the hallways and the living room, and lastly the lights in the kitchen.

I then proceeded on asking my mom what the dinner would be. With my right hand typing a message to eomma on my phone, I rummaged through the cupboards for anything to snack on while waiting. I eventually found a bag of plain salted chips to munch on. Then, I went to the living room to lounge around while waiting for eomma’s reply.

I resorted to watching variety shows that I usually do not watch. My mother eventually replied when I was already halfway through the bag of chips.

From: Eomma

Your appa and I are going on a simple date. :)

I left a note on the fridge. Just read it. Take care, okay? And don’t burn the house (or simply, don’t try to cook on your own).

“Really? Eomma?” I said to myself, feeling a small smile playing on my lips. I really feel so happy for them, because unlike me, they managed to be happy with their love life. If only that could be inherited…

I simply ignored the pain in my chest and went to the fridge, and when I opened it, the bills were really inside. I could not help but let out a small chuckle at my mother’s deed before I grabbed the money. Since I am pretty sure that Youngbae would not come home for dinner, I decided to use all the money to buy myself good food.

I went back to watching TV while I waited for my ordered food to arrive. It took the delivery man less than half an hour to reach me, and when he did, I could not help but feel a bit of embarrassment, since it was so obvious that I was alone in the house, yet what I ordered for myself was good for two, or maybe three people. The money that eomma left for me to buy dinner with was all used up – I should have felt guilty, but when I tasted the food, I thought it was worth it.

It took me quite some time to finish everything. My stomach felt like it was going to explode any moment. Because of that, I could not go to sleep. I still had to make the fullness of my stomach lessen. Even though every movement felt like tearing my abdomen, I stood up and put all of the containers in the trash.

While waiting for my stomach to feel lighter, I put on my earphones and sat beside a window in my bedroom, and played songs that I felt like listening to. Lately, I have been getting into a new girl group in KPop, because their songs were catchy and I could relate to their lyrics. Especially the one that many people did not like for its incoherent music video and melody. For some reason, though, I liked it.

I already finished listening to their whole album when I felt like I was ready for bed. But before going to sleep, I thought I should finalize some things.

Should I come to Jimin-hyung’s party? I asked myself while lying on my back on the bed. If I had not changed since I came back to Korea, I know that I would not even give it a thought and just make up and excuse that would be acceptable so I can skip the event. But after what I realized a while ago, I feel like it is not right to not attend. After all, even though we are not in good terms because of what happened to our relationship, I feel like I should still attend, even just as a friend.

And this can be the last time that we will see each other.

“Yeah…” I said to myself before closing my eyes. “I will go.”

“My god… Jungkook concentrate!!!” I whispered to myself, physically slapping my cheeks with both of my hands. The letter that I needed to write was on the computer screen with only the headings done. And this is just the first assignment that I have for today.

And it is already eleven in the morning.

I could not concentrate on my work, and I know exactly why I am being like this. The party is today, and I do not know how I really feel – I could be excited. And maybe I was nervous. Or maybe I am hesitant. I really do not know.

Many times today I have considered not going to the despedida party, but I quickly diverted my thoughts before they could dominate me. When Youngbae asked me what made me want to go to the party, I avoided his question, since I am yet to come up with an anwer good enough to be resistant enough, but at the same time more open than before. Because somehow, I feel ashamed of my very rash actions in the past, I do not want people to see me as someone that could not stand by his actions and words.

I do not want people to see me running after Jimin after what I have to him. After what I have done to us, and to everyone around me.

But Jungkook… isn’t he the one who should be ashamed of his actions? He kissed Taehyung even though the two of you are in a relationship!!!

“Shut up!” I hit my own head with my fist. I only realized that I actually said that outloud when my co-worker in the cubicle beside mine went over to me and asked him if I was alright. I just told him jokingly that I think I am going crazy to asure him that I was good.

… I don’t think I’d be able to finish anything today if I’m like this… I told myself. I could not wait to finish work today. It is a good thing that I am have a fairly good reputation in the office. Though I would have to work harder next time.

At the end of the day, I managed to finish two very short assignments – the one that I did from morning to lunch time, and another letter that only required proofreading. Even the second one took me an inappropriately huge amount of time and effort.

The clothes that I would be changing into for the party were already inside the bag that I carried with me to work, so before I met Youngbae who is most probably already waiting outside, I first went to the CR to quickly freshen up and change into my attire which only consisted of a simple pair of fitted jeans, a sleeveless black shirt, and rubber shoes. I wanted to dress as simple as possible, since I would only be there for formality.

Right. Formality and civility.

Once I was out of the building, I saw Youngbae already outside our car, staring at the tree outside.

“Hey.” I called his attention. “Let’s go.”

I stepped into the passenger seat of the car while he took the driver’s side. He then started the engine, but before we drove away, he looked at me. I knew he was going to say something.

“Jungkook,” He started. “Really, what made you want to go to Jimin’s party?”

“Nothing.” I answered him without looking him in the eyes. “I just… I just wanted to be formal and civil. Even just for the last time.”

From the corner of my eye, I can see Youngbae nodding understandingly. I do not know if he can see right through my façade, but I am grateful that he did not push the topic any further.

“Okay then.” He said. “Let’s go.”