Donghae
Defence One Shots
How much does it hurt?
Sometimes, I think I’ve forgotten for good. Then when I’m alone I find myself thinking again.
It’s been a while. 2 years has felt like 2 dozen lifetimes.
I wasn’t two timing. I’m a clear-minded person. I know what I’m doing, I’m exact with my feelings and what I’m thinking. I’m a conscious person, I was raised that way. Yoona and I had been in love at one point, but along the way we drifted unexplainably. Victoria wasn’t an item to me, I never saw her as an item. Perhaps, along the lines when my mother started taking control I started treating her like one, but I never saw her that way.
She was special.
Victoria mesmerized me. She was pretty, very pretty. A person who is able to captivate me upon our first meeting is indeed a very unique person.
Her clueless attitude as if she didn’t know anything made her adorable in my line of sight and I just wanted to get closer to her. I had pure intentions. But how to explain it? When I was with her, it also felt like we were miles apart. Her mind, her thoughts would drift into another world when we were together. I’d find her staring into space without a word to say. Then I’d start wondering to myself about who she really was.
Victoria was a wordless person. She hid a lot, yet she was so fragile. Someone with a rough exterior, but full of cotton inside.
I often find myself wondering how much I’d hurt her. I’m guilty for having pushed her, pressuring her into accepting the ring. I’m guilty for allowing my mother to take control of my desperate feelings.
Instead of considering Victoria’s feelings and her thoughts, I only focused on the fact that I just wanted her to be with only me. Without Victoria I didn’t know what I’d do.
I was an insolent fool.
Whenever I pass by the skating rink, I’d think of Victoria and how she spoke of the cold. How she liked it when it’d slap her face. Yoona had spoken the same words. I should have realized when her father told me about Yoona’s missing friend.
But how much of a difference would it have made even if I knew everything? I wouldn’t have been able to do anything at all.
Victoria struggled during those days when Taeyceon, Yoona, and I started budging in. Knowing it now doesn’t help, but I should have given her air. Taecyeon and Yoona had meant more to Victoria than I had. I should have spared her from pain before she left. I regret it so much.
I still hate the fact to this day that I’d been the last to know everything. Who Victoria actually was, what she’d been through, and that she’d passed without a word.
It’s even more sad that Victoria had left by just apologizing to me. I didn’t need her apology. It would have been better if I’d seen her smiling rather than crying in my arms. She had such a beautiful soul that I couldn’t touch. She should have never apologized to me. I don’t deserve it.
If Victoria loved me, if she’d reciprocated my feelings then I probably would have deserved the apology. She didn’t, though. If she could appear before me again, I’d ask her to take her apology back. I’d apologize instead for putting her through hard times.
That ring still sits inside its box inside my drawer. I’ve never touched it since the day Victoria passed. It had been hard to quietly strengthen myself up then become the pillar of support for both Yoona and Taecyeon. They should have hurt more than I so there had been no choice, but to help them pull through. And I found that by helping them I also helped myself somewhat.
I hadn’t heard from Taecyeon, not that I expect to, but I know he’ll be here for Victoria. He didn’t need to resign, but it must have been even tougher on him. I only survived by looking up at the sun and thinking to myself that Victoria must be happy now. If I were sad for her, I’d only disappoint her. Victoria had feared for us more than I had realized and if she were to see that we weren’t living life to her expectations, then I probably won’t have the courage to meet her again when the day comes that I can see her again.
So, Victoria, you have to wait for me.
And if I can have the chance, let me be with you in the next life.
It’s that time of year again and I find myself slowly stepping out of my car. As soon as my feet touch the ground the silhouette of a familiar figure turn to look at me. Of course, we’d meet again. We’d always meet again here at the same place this year, the next, and the next dozen years to come.
“You’re early.” I greeted.
Comments