A/N: Trigger warning I guess? If you’re not comfortable with death then skip this chapter or PM me and I’ll try to explain what happened as briefly as possible? I don’t know. This chapter is written in Hongbin’s perspective so when he says “I” he is referring to himself, not Hyuk. Also, anything in italics is Hyuk butting into the story and basically being a little .

          I was born on September 29, 1993, at a top notch hospital. My mother gave birth to me with fairly no trouble, and my dad was with her every step of the way.

          “Does this really matter?”

          Yes, now be quiet. Anyways, my two older sisters were pretty nice, they’re older than me by quite a bit but they weren’t that bad. Well, there was that time my oldest sister made me go outside in a dress and made fun of me when I cried but my mom punished her pretty bad for it so I guess that turned out well.

          “A dress? Was it pink? I think you’d look good in pink.”

          Well, thanks. It was blue if you’re really wondering, and I have a pink shirt I can wear next time we meet but can I continue?

          “Yeah, yeah, whatever, go.”

          Thanks, moving on, my childhood wasn’t really terrible. It wasn’t great either mind you, I lived pretty isolated. My parents were out a lot and my sisters had better things to do than play with their little brother, like dating boys they thought they loved and going shopping – as cliché as that sounds.

          “So you were a rich loner, why is this sounding like a drama?”

          Because maybe dramas were based on real life okay.

          “Then I should be involved in a complicated love decagon including cross-dressing girls, snobby rich boys, and someone with a terminal illness.”

          Hyuk I’m going to hurt you if you don’t shut up. Yeah, that’s right. So I guess you were kind of right, my childhood was pretty drama-like. Typical rich boy lives alone and isolated because his parents are always out and no one wants to be his friend because, well, he’s rich and his family is powerful. Not like kids really know about status and stuff like that, but I guess they could sense it. Children can be kind of mean so they automatically excluded me. It didn’t help that I was pretty shy as well. Probably because I grew up with minimal human contact – that sounds like I’m an alien but it’s true – but I never really developed proper social skills at that point.

          “You still don’t have proper social skills.”

          Shut up, I have tons of friends what do you think I did to get them to like me then?

          “You kidnapped me and basically forced me to go the amusement park with you.”

          I asked you nicely and Hakyeon hyung was the one who made you go. Stop mumbling under your breath. Now where was I? Oh right, so I was pretty antisocial and even my father realized that, so he took me to a child psychologist and ran a couple tests and they told him that if I didn’t make friends or have a platonic relationship with someone real soon, I’d grow up never understanding social cues or anything like that. So obviously, my father didn’t want his one and only son to grow up socially awkward but he didn’t have time to help me make friends so he did what he typically does. He used his money to make things right.

          Basically he hired a housemaid, or I guess a babysitter would be more appropriate, and told her to look after me from the moment I came home from school to the minute I slept. She was straight out of teacher’s college, studying to become an elementary school teacher, so this job was perfect for her. She was really energetic and enthusiastic, never minding that I didn’t say more than two words to her the first time we met. She just talked to me even though I wouldn’t answer, and I guess that worked. Her name was Kim Mirae, and she was my first friend.

          “Is this where things get sad?”

           You’re kind of insensitive you know?

          “I’m just trying to provide some comic relief.”

          To who, we’re the only people here.

          “I think I’m important enough to get comic relief.”

          You can’t provide comic relief to yourself, it doesn’t work that way.

          “How do you know?”

          Because... you know what? We’re getting off track. So Mirae took care of me when I was a kid, she did everything a nanny would. Got me ready for school, cooked me meals, helped me with my homework, and played with me. Thinking back she was practically my mother and I had no problem with that. My father was always out working, sometimes I wouldn’t see him for weeks on end until he’d come home, greet me, and then escape into his office to work some more. My mother was a little nicer, she bought me clothes and took me out on the weekends, but she, you’ve met her, she’s dramatic. She’d yell at store clerks, complain to managers, and generally, I’d come home pretty embarrassed. She never had a problem with it though, said that we were paying for their services so we should get only the best quality items, but the way she treated people. I mean, you’ve had some experiences with her, I’m sure you can draw your own conclusions.

          In any case Mirae was my stand-in mom and sister. I loved her a lot, platonically of course. I had Chansik as a friend too at this point, but Chansik didn’t really get me. He didn’t get why I didn’t like the way my parents acted, why I thought that the maids should be treated like equals, not like scum. Chansik is a good person, he was my first same-aged friend, and was one of the biggest reasons why I became popular later on, but I didn’t have the same relationship with him that I did with Mirae.

          I told her all my problems and I guess she trusted me too, because she confided in me as well. She told me, an eight year old boy, about how she wanted to teach but she couldn’t find any jobs. She wasn’t in it for the money; if she could she would’ve left this job a long time ago – a little hurtful to be honest but the way she talked made me think that my father was treating her more like a slave. She just wanted the experience of teaching kids, of molding the minds of the next generation. Mirae told me that she loved me a lot, as if I was her own kid, and she wanted to have the same relationship with a classroom of children. I didn’t really get it, after all, I only had one friend, but if it was to make Mirae happy, then I’d be happy.

          So my little mind decided to help her as well as I could. I thought that, since Mirae was hired because I didn’t have many friends, I should make some. It took a couple years, I had been silent and antisocial for most of my life at that point so it’s not like I could change overnight, but after a while things got better. It helped that I entered a middle school in a completely different area. It was a chance to start anew, to set Mirae free of her obligations so she could finally live out her dream. The first day of middle school, I made friends. I became popular. People liked me because I was handsome, I was smart, I was charismatic, and I was rich and powerful. Girls fell head over heels for me, all the boys wanted to be my right hand man and even the teachers did everything they could to please me. It was the first time I ever had so much, power, over people. I didn’t realize that I could be so respected, and, well, I let it get to my head.

          Instead of treating them equals, I started to think of everyone as lower than me. They weren’t as handsome or as beautiful as I was, I was two levels smarter than anyone there – thanks to the hundreds of tutors my father had hired – and the teachers were easily manipulated with the promise of money or the threat of my father. I became pretty bad, bullying weaker kids, manipulating most of the people in my grade. I didn’t even notice that I became the thing I hated in my parents. I kicked kids who wouldn’t move fast enough out of my way, I started to fail my tests, but I covered it up with bribes and trickery. None of this news reached my parents, they were too busy, all they heard was the perfect marks on my report card and the millions of awards I was receiving, but Mirae found out soon enough. And she was not happy.

          She was appalled at my behaviour, almost sickened by it. She told me that what I was doing was wrong, about how I couldn’t just treat people like that, but I was blinded. Blinded by the same thing my parents were, money, power, wealth. I thought I was doing something good for her, she wouldn’t have to stay and be my nanny anymore if I was popular, but she had the audacity to say that what I was doing was wrong. So, I made the worst mistake of my life. I turned against her, Hyuk. You don’t understand, I was so, mad. My whole life I was alone and excluded, scared that the masses would turn against me and pick on me, and this was the first time I was included. I was liked, people wanted me. But Mirae, she didn’t understand, she thought I was becoming evil. So I hit her, in my anger I struck her against the face, and the betrayal was enough to break my heart. I immediately regretted it, in hindsight that expression on her face was probably the thing that snapped me out of my sickness, but it was too late. She left, ran off. I don’t know where, but she gave my father a letter of resignation and fled. My sister told me a couple weeks later that Mirae had left the country.

          At that time I didn’t think it was that bad, I thought that maybe she had overreacted, and even though I knew I was the one in wrong, I detested her for it. For being overdramatic, for leaving just because of a small scuffle. But I was wrong; oh I was so wrong Hyuk. I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I hadn’t realized, even though the signs were staring me straight in the face. Mirae wanted to be a teacher, but she never would have the chance. You know why? Because my father thought that Mirae was a good person for me to have in my life, so after the second year of her employment, he arranged something, to this day I’m not even sure what he did, but he negated her teacher’s licence. She couldn’t teach, even if she wanted to, unless she went back to school. But she didn’t have the money, she was still in debt from the last time she went to school, and had taken this job as a way to pay off her debts. Even worse, my mother treated her like a slave. I thought that maybe my parents looked down on her, but I never realized just how bad it was. When I was gone at school, my mother would physically hurt her. Tell her to wash the floors and then kick her when she was scrubbing at them. I don’t know why my mother did that, she had plenty of other maids to bother, but maybe it was because Mirae was young. Maybe because Mirae had a future while my mother’s was taken away because she had been married off. Whatever it was, it made my mother hate Mirae. I never noticed, even though I saw the many bruises on Mirae’s body when we went swimming or how she flinched whenever my mother passed by. I didn’t even notice the sadness in her eyes when I asked her about teaching.

          In all honesty, Mirae should have hated me. I took away her dreams, her future. I was the reason she couldn’t teach, the reason she was in debt because she was taking night school in order to get her teacher’s licence back, the reason she had to withstand physical and emotional pain from my mother. But she didn’t, she loved me like a mother loved her child. Even though I was the reason her life was going in the opposite direction, she continued to treat me like her precious son. She smiled, helped me with my problems, and always put my needs before her own. Yet I slapped her Hyuk, I struck her because I thought she didn’t get it. But the thing is, I was the one who didn’t understand. I didn’t know that because I made friends, my father would think that Mirae was helping me, and would continue to keep her in employment. I didn’t know that she wouldn’t be able to teach for years because she could barely keep up with school now that she had to take care of me. I didn’t know any of that and I had the nerve to hate her when she left me.

          I can only imagine, Hyuk, the pain she would have felt. When I hit her, when the only light in her life, when the only thing she loved, her and struck her. The betrayal, the pain, and the eventual desperation. It pushed her over the edge, I think. Because Hyuk, she never did leave the country. I found out later on, when I decided to do my own research. Hyuk, Hyuk, she took her life. Mirae, my first friend, my stand-in mother, my self-proclaimed sister, couldn’t deal with it anymore. She committed suicide, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I didn’t get to tell her how much I loved her, how much she meant to me, how much I appreciated her very existence. She left the world thinking that everyone hated her, that no one would ever love her, that humans were only capable of hatred and anger. But she was wrong, I loved her, I adored her, I respected her, I cared for her, and if only I had been stronger. If only I could have seen the signs before, I could have saved her.

          “It wasn’t your fault Hongbin.”

          I know, I, I know. I’ve come to terms with it, with much difficulty and tears. I know that I wasn’t the sole cause, but I still think that maybe, maybe, I could have changed something. I had these thoughts all the time after I discovered her death. Around this time I was in high school, almost graduating. But I fell into a slump; all I could do was think of Mirae and how she must have felt. My father got pretty mad; I was failing most of my classes and pushing my friends away. Here’s where Chansik comes in. Yeah, I know you don’t like him, but he’s important to me.

          Chansik didn’t know about Mirae, well, she was there when he came over and he knew her enough for them to be friends, but he didn’t really know about her. In any case, he definitely didn’t know she was the reason behind my pain and stress. But he helped, in his own way. I told you before; Chansik is a good person, even though he can be manipulative. I feel bad describing his like this but he was a rebound. He offered me support and security - everything Mirae had given me. I don’t know if I loved him, I adored him, and loved him as a friend for sure, but romantically? I’m not sure. But Chansik loved me, he still does. He thinks he knows best, always helping me even though I don’t ask. My mother noticed, how close we were, I’m pretty sure my sisters told her about the time they walked in on us in a... compromising position. Anyways, she’s the one who suggested an arranged marriage. Maybe because that’s how she met my dad, but Chansik was quick to accept. I was more hesitant though. After all, I wasn’t sure how I felt about Chansik.

          He was a good friend, definitely a good husband to someone in the future. But for me? I didn’t think we were a good match. Maybe as friends, we were both pretty sneaky, getting into trouble but just as easily getting out of trouble. But I didn’t think we were right as lovers. He was more of a lifetime friend; I didn’t feel comfortable with him as my future husband. So I got cold feet and ran away. Well, to be more accurate, I ran away again. I had run away from my family to attend Haepari after graduated high school and had been living with Chansik ever since.

          “But you said you weren’t living with him anymore?”

          Yeah, I moved out right before my mother announced the arranged marriage, I had been hearing rumours about it for a while and thought it was better to be safe than sorry, and I moved in to my other friend’s apartment. I’ve been hiding out there for now but Chansik is getting closer and closer to finding out where I’m staying. And that’s it really. You know everything about me, my past, my present, and maybe you can guess at my future.

          “That’s really cheesy.”

          Shut up, I’m trying to calm my emotions here.

          “Do you want a tissue? Here. I have one in my bag.”

          Why do you carry tissues around?

          “For situations like this obviously.”

          Thanks, I didn’t even realize I was crying. Gosh, I’m all tired out.

          “Do you want to go get something to drink?”

          You’re being strangely nice, did my story affect you that much?

          “Stop smiling through your tears, it’s creepy, now let’s go.”

           Okay. Hyuk? Thanks for listening. It really means a lot.

          “Don’t worry about it, I might not be an aspiring teacher but I’ll always be here to listen to your problems. All you have to do is ask.”

WOWOWOW. Hyuk replied with the same line Hongbin did in the last chapter! If... you still remember. Because it’s kind of been a while. I was actually going to update on September 9 ‘cause I was writing but then uhm, I tend to do my writing late at night... And Seventeen’s Mansae music video came out late at night on that day... So I got distracted... (I made like, 8 gifs and 3 text posts and fell asleep in class the next day #NoRegrets).

Anyways, we found out about Hongbin’s past. To be honest, this was completely different than what I originally had in mind, but it just kind of happened. I actually teared up a bit while writing this because it relates to me on a personal level but I hope no one had to go through something like this. If you did, remember, there are always helplines and I’ll be here to listen to your worries. Sometimes all you really need is someone to listen, and all you have to do is ask (see what I did there??).

By the way, I’m starting to fall in love with B1A4 I don’t know what happened I just watched their A Song For You and I’ve always liked Gongchan because he’s friends with Hongbin but then Sanduel and Jinyoung grew on me and now I think I’m screwed. O.o VIXX, BTS, SHINee, Seventeen, and now B1A4... I don’t need these many Korean/Chinese men in my life (that is a total lie if anyone has good shows with B1A4 in it please link me – I’m already watching their One Fine Day but I need more!).

Once again, thanks for reading and I do not own anything in this story other than the idea and plot, any similarities to other works of fiction are purely coincidental or have been used as sources of inspiration. Please do not repost this anywhere without my permission; plagiarism isn’t nice!

Hope you’re smiling!

~ Alateni

PS: Thanks to kpopaway and Rese_Candy for upvoting!!