Inside my head

It’s strange, Jongin thinks. He feels warm and cozy in the kind man’s arms as they exit the big building he doesn’t like. Hospital, the nice doctor had said was the name. He wonders if the kind man will put him down or berate him for holding on so tight but he’s surprised when all he does is run his hand up and down Jongin’s back. It feels nice. Like when the nice doctor ran his fingers through his hair back inside the room. Hopefully, if Jongin is really, really good, he’ll do it again.

Once inside the car, Jongin is put on a booster seat in the back while the kind man gets on the driver’s seat. The nice doctor buckles him up with a smile on his face. “This used to be our daughter Jinri’s seat but she’s outgrown it now,” he says with a gentle smile.

Instead of saying anything, Jongin frowns at the floor as he thinks about the fact that these men already have a kid. Why would they want Jongin if they have a daughter? He stills remembers mommy saying that Jongin was already enough trouble to think about having more kids. He had only asked because being by himself most of the time was lonely. He never asked again.

He loses himself in his thoughts and doesn’t realize they park outside a big house with green grass and a big tree in the front. Maybe he can sneak out some time and climb it. Hopefully he’ll be here long enough to get a chance.

The kind man doesn’t pick him up when they get out of the car. Jongin pretends not to be disappointed.

“This is our house!” The kind man tells him. It’s probably the biggest house Jongin has ever seen and he can’t help but gape at it.

“Come on in,” the nice doctor says. “We’ll give you a proper tour once you’re settled in. First, let’s check out your room.”

When they enter the bedroom on the second floor, Jongin frowns. The room’s walls are white and clean and the bed is big enough for ten Jongins. There are some toys in a corner, a desk with lots of coloring pencils and paper, and also a bookcase filled to the brim. Jongin doesn’t even know how to read. The big windows let a lot of light inside and it makes the room seem comfortable and nice and everything Jongin has ever dreamed of.

“What do you think?” the nice doctor asks. “Do you like it?”

Jongin bites his upper lip instead of answering. It's habit of his that got him a red cheek more than a few times. Even if these men are horrible to him– which he doubts, but daddy used to be nice too, once– he’s going to miss this place if only for the bed and the light and the lack of dirt and grime. 

“It’s ok, buddy. We can fix it up later,” the kind man tells him with a smile.

Jongin stares at his ratty shoes and wonders if he can be good all the time so as to not get kicked out. It's really hard not to mess up. Mommy tried and tried to teach him but apparently he's unfixable. 

“How about we get some lunch? Jinri should be here any minute now,” the nice doctor says. “Minseok, can you put the clothes away while I start on lunch?”

“Sure,” the kind man– Minseok– answers. “Wanna help Luhan make lunch?”

Jongin doesn’t realize Minseok is talking to him until he ruffles his hair to get his attention. He’s saved from answering by someone at the door. Luhan goes to get it as Minseok opens up the bag they brought with them and starts opening drawers and putting away a lot of clothes.

“He’s here?” Jongin hears from the first floor followed by loud footsteps up the stairs and shuffling out in the hall. “You’re here!” A girl that must be Jinri says as she enters the room and Jongin jumps at the loud greeting. “Hi!”

Jongin backs into the bed as he looks from Minseok to Jinri and back again. Minseok seems to notice his reluctance because he greets Jinri but then takes her away from the room.

Jongin decides to risk punishment and gets up on the bed. He curls up on the pillow and hopes he’s not in trouble. Jinri doesn't look like a bad person but Jongin doesn't trust easily. 

When Minseok comes back, he doesn’t seem mad. In fact, he seems pleased that Jongin got up on the bed even if he didn’t even take his shoes off. Minseok fixes the issue and puts the worn shoes inside the black bag where the clothes used to be. “How about we get you some new shoes, bud? Would you like that?”

Jongin surprises himself by nodding. No one had ever asked his opinion as much as Luhan and Minseok do. His mommy used to tell him it didn’t matter what Jongin thought so he learned to keep quiet. Otherwise he’d be left with a hungry tummy and, if she was especially mad, a welts.

Lunch comes and Jongin learns that Jinri likes to talk. About everything. And Luhan and Minseok listen to her and ask her questions and try to make Jongin speak but Jongin knows that he’s not supposed to. Quiet is the number one rule even though Jinri seems to not know it exists.

He eats everything on his plate quickly and hides two warm buns in his pockets to save for later. He needs to find a safe place for emergency food because eventually he’ll be a bad boy– though he never really means to– and he’ll be send to his room without food. Mommy used to lock him up for whole days without a single breadcrumb, so he learned he needed to hide food just in case.

After everyone's and Minseok starts on the dishes, Jongin runs quietly to his room. He finds an old shoebox inside the closet and stashe the two buns inside. He then hides the box in the last drawer of the dresser. Satisfied with his work, he settles under the desk to wait out the afternoon.

A few hours go by when afternoon melts into night, and Jongin has spend the entire time playing with the teddy Minseok bought for him at the hospital. Minseok and Luhan have both come into his room several times to ask if he needs anything or if he's hungry or bored. Jongin doesn't really answer any of their questions but they leave him be after their unsuccessful attempts.

It's when Jinri comes into his room after walking by the door at least a hundred times that things get interesting. Or, at least, Jongin thinks it’s a hundred, he’s not very good with numbers.

“Why don’t you speak?” She asks as she looks at him questioningly. She has dirty knees like she's been outside playing and Jongin envies her for a second.

The little boy frowns at her question and bites his lower lip before shrugging. She doesn't seem to know any of the rules. If mommy or daddy had seen him with dirty knees they would have told him what a disgusting boy he really was. Jongin never understood how the walls and floors could be filled with dirt and trash but if his knees were a bit diry then he was the gross one.

“Do you want to play in the TV room? There’s a game daddy let’s me play on his xbox that’s really fun!”

He doesn’t get a chance to say no when she grabs his hand and takes him to the TV room. There’s a big comfy couch and a large TV inside with shelves and shelves full of colorful cases and books. Jongin really wants to learn how to read because he’s really curious about the books.

“This is the one,” Jinri tells him. She takes a case from the shelf but as she takes it to the box below the TV, she trips and sends the case flying into the wall, breaking the glass from a picture frame in the process.

Jongin gasps as his heart starts beating so fast it feels like it’s going to beat out of his chest. He knows he’ll get into trouble. Instead of waiting for the yelling to begin, he runs into his room, hides underneath the bed and wills his heart to slow down. His breathing is really fast as he tries to hold in his tears.

“Jongin?” He hears Luhan saying. Jongin covers his head with his arms and hopes they don’t find him. There's some mumbling and shuffling followed by steps walking away. But before Jongin can breath easy, he feels more steps coming closer.

“Buddy? Jongin, where are you?” Minseok asks as he enters the room. “Bud?” And Jongin feels him really close. Almost as if he’s kneeling down by the bed. “Kiddo?”

He scrunches his eyes shut and hopes the punishment is quick and that two buns will fill his stomach for the rest of the day.

“Jongin? What are you doing there?” Minseok asks him. He dives under the bed instead of pulling Jongin out and before he can escape, Minseok is by his side clearing the hair from his eyes. “Are you ok? Are you hurt?”

Jongin whimpers as a few stray tears fall from his eyes. Minseok brushes his cheeks to clear them away before rubbing his arms. “I’m sorry,” Jongin whispers.

“What are you sorry for? You didn’t do anything,” Minseok tells him in the same soft tone he always speaks. “Jinri told me what happened.”

The boy sniffs before lowering his arms, looking at Minseok. “Will you punish her?” Maybe he can give her his buns so she doesn’t go hungry. She was only trying to show Jongin the game before she tripped. He can always get some more later.

“She just tripped, kiddo. If she had done it on purpose then we would have had a very serious conversation with her, but it was only an accident,” Minseok explains calmly. “What do you think punishments involve, buddy?”

Jongin scrunches his nose before backing away slightly. “Mommy says bad boys don’t deserve food. She says bad boys learn lessons by the belt,” he whispers, more and more quietly as the words go by. He doesn’t like to remember the belt sessions nor the way his stomach growled after a day without food.

Minseok looks angry when Jongin finishes speaking and Jongin moves further back in fear.

“I’m not angry at you, baby. Your mommy should have never– I–“ Minseok sighs deeply. “We don’t use any sort of belt and you, nor Jinri, will never go without food because you’ve been naughty.”

The little boy takes some time to really understand what Minseok is saying. He takes a deep breath before scooting closer to the man when he stretches his hand to pull him out from underneath the bed. “No belt?” Jongin asks quietly.

“No belt. Ever,” Minseok assures him with a smile. The man picks Jongin up and Jongin circles his arms tight around his neck. “Don’t’ worry, baby boy, we won’t let anyone ever hurt you again.”

Jongin answers by lowering his head on Minseok’s shoulder and tightening his hold on the man’s neck.

“Now, how about some nice lunch leftovers for dinner, huh? Luhan promised to figure out your favorite food sooner rather than later and Jinri told him she’d find out first so we have a competition in our hands,” Minseok tells him as they walk down the stairs and into the kitchen. “Now, those two are very competitive so you’ll have to cash in some favors before telling them anything.” The man chuckles as they sit on the kitchen table and watch Luhan heating up the food.

The boy doesn’t say a word the entire time but Minseok keeps on talking and talking to him nevertheless. Jongin feels a smile on his lips when the doctor begins teasing both his husband and daughter. Jongin only hopes they don’t figure out how much of a burden he is and maybe that way they can keep him forever.