Chapter 1

Baekhyun should have met with his father ten minutes ago, but if he was already late then why rush? His maid wouldn’t stop whining, he sent her from the room. He welcomed the silence. He sat at his dressing table, watching his reflection as he brushed his hair. He counted the —always even, always perfect. From crown to tip, over and over. When he was satisfied with his hair, he moved to his face. He carefully applied white powder to conceal any imperfections—dark shadows under his eyes that nothing seemed to cure. He painted his lips pink as a rose petal, and lined his eyes with inky black pigment. He fixed his shirt and made sure that he left his ring on the dressing table. Then he was ready, and he went to his father’s office.

“You’re late,” was his father’s greeting, which Baekhyun didn’t answer. He sat in the chair on the other side of his father’s desk, hands folded in his lap, back straight as a rod, and waited.

“You bathe far too frequently, for someone who does nothing but sit at a mirror all day,” father sniffed without looking up from the document he was reading.

Baekhyun kept his face perfectly blank and did not answer.

“You’ll have to fix that habit, before you dry up the oceans. And before you leave this house.”

Baekhyun didn’t make a sound. His father finally put the document aside.

“I’m sure you know my now that we will be leaving for the East coast in a few weeks. Your health is not good enough for the journey, so you will be unable to join us. But I have found other accommodations for you, at least until a suitable match can be made.” He paused.

Baekhyun remained silent.

“Your mother has a very distant relative a few miles from here, a Lord with a large estate. He has agreed to take you in. You will leave in two weeks. Perhaps while you are there, you can pick up some manners. Maybe show up on time for once.”

At that Baekhyun nearly laughed. His father had no idea the kind of time Baekhyun invested in his appearance, the kind of time he needed to look half as good as he did.

“Lord Kim knows about your…habit, and your health. He’s assured me that he will provide you with an allowance, and with medical treatment.”

“Is mother joining you and Baekbom?” Baekhyun asked.

Father sighed deeply. “Yes, she will.”

Baekhyun nodded and rose. “I will go and pack.”

But instead he only went to his room for a moment, to retrieve his ring. He slipped it on his finger and then went to his mother’s room. She hadn’t been the same since she returned from her trip to her family’s house. She sat by the mirror, or in her chair by the window, and she stared. She rarely spoke, and when she did it was often disjointed and slurred.

A year ago Baekhyun had sold some of his old dresses in order to commission a portrait of his mother and himself. The artist painted his mother in her youth, dressing her in fabulous jewels and fabrics she didn’t own but deserved to have. He painted Baekhyun in a white suit, sitting at her feet with his head in her lap. Her hand was on his head, and she was looking at him fondly. This was how Baekhyun would remember his mother, not as the shell of a woman she had become.

Baekhyun found his mother sitting by the window. She smiled when he came in, and held out her arms.

“My Baekhyun,” She said. Baekhyun hugged her close, petting her hair. Her mind may have faded, but her beauty hadn’t, and it was due in part to Baekhyun’s care. He made sure that the servants kept his mother clean and dressed finely, and they took her for walks in the garden every morning.

“Mother, I’m leaving soon,” Baekhyun murmured. He sat on the floor by her feet and took her hands. “I’m going to go live with a lord, until father finds me a good match.”

Mother his hair and shook her head. “My poor baby. What will you do without your mother?”

Baekhyun kissed her palms. “I’m more worried for you. What will my poor mother do without her baby?”

Mother didn’t answer. “You are so beautiful. My perfect little pearl, my shining gem. Mother will make sure you are matched with a good man, one who will spoil you and shower you with pretty things. Not like this stingy man I married. Mother will make sure you marry a good man. My pretty little daughter.”

Baekhyun stood up. “Let’s brush your hair, mother. Come on, come to the mirror.”

She seemed to forget sometimes that Baekhyun wasn’t a girl. He knew now, now that he was grown up, that she’d never wanted another son. She desperately wanted a little girl, and it was probably part of the reason she dressed Baekhyun as a girl. But Baekhyun didn’t mind. She’d opened up a new path to him, one he wasn’t enthusiastic about, but one he much preferred over marriage to a woman.

Mother caught his hand and stared at his ring. “I gave you that.”

“Yes, you did.” The diamond ring had been in her family for generations—a delicate gold band, with four stones arranged in a diamond pattern, two side by side, one above and one below. Because of the shape, it was called the five diamond ring.

Mother pointed across the room. “Bring me my jewelry box.”

Baekhyun did as he was told. Most of his mother’s jewels were ones that had been given to her by family. A few had come from her husband, but they were outnumbered by those she had inherited. Mother rummaged through the box until she pulled out a long red case. She handed it Baekhyun.

“Wear these on your wedding day.”

Baekhyun opened the box. It was a pearl necklace, and a pair of earrings. He bit back tears—father had never allowed him to pierce his ears.

“Thank you,” he said. “I’ll be so beautiful.”

He left soon after, saying that he needed to pack. His poor mother, what would she do if she ever came to her senses and realized that there was no wedding? No, Baekhyun would not be married.

Somehow his father had come to realize that there were other uses for pretty little boys who looked good in dresses, that there were wealthy men who would pay handsomely for a pretty boy that they could put in a house, and visit whenever they pleased. It wasn’t ideal, but Baekhyun didn’t have any other choices. If he wanted to be kept the way he was used to, with his medications and pretty things, he needed a wealthy patron. He couldn’t learn a trade, he couldn’t run a business, and no woman of any breeding would marry him the way he was. All Baekhyun could do was hope that his father would pick someone handsome and youthful, not an old man with rotting teeth and festering war wounds. The thought alone was enough to make him gag.

Now that Baekhyun’s pretty looks were being used to sell his body, he couldn’t help but resent his dresses just a little. He used to think that his beauty would make people do what he wanted, and maybe once upon a time that could have been true. Now Baekhyun wished he could have kept his habit a secret, and dressed only for himself rather than the eyes of someone who would only see him as a ual toy. That wasn’t what he’d wanted. He wanted to be beautiful, not ual. He rebelled in small ways against his future role. He refused to shave his body, aside from his face, and he continued to cut his hair to his chin. He’d sold most of his heels and hats, and kept only his dresses and jewelry. And his makeup of course, but he wore that all the time.

Baekhyun knew he could be beautiful as a boy, but he didn’t want to quit dressing up. That was part of who he was, and it always would be. Now he would just have to get used to sharing it with someone he didn’t know, and would likely never get to know. After all, his “husband” would have a wife and children waiting for him when he’d finished with Baekhyun.

Over the next few days Baekhyun oversaw the complete uprooting of the only life he’d known. He helped the servants pack his things away, he wrapped his powders and jewels and carefully folded his shirts and dresses into trunks. Father ordered nearly a dozen servants to accompany Baekhyun to Lord Kim’s house, but Baekhyun made several stay back, and made them swear that they would care for his mother. He only took three servants, two women and one man, and each of them knew his medication routine. That was really all he needed, that and someone to read to him when he was ill. He much preferred to be left alone when he could manage it.

The journey would be short, less than one day. Baekhyun said goodbye to his family the day before, and Baekbom swore to write when they were settled and he could tell Baekhyun where to send his letters. There were two carriages, one for Baekhyun’s belongings and those of his servants, and then one carriage to ride in. The first carriage was driven by Junho, Baekhyun’s male servant, and the two women drove the second carriage while Baekhyun sat inside. The road was bumpy and Baekhyun was jolted around in his seat many times. He kept his composure as best he could, he managed not to cry or complain, but he knew that once they arrived at lord Kim’s manor he would have to lay down for several hours.

Baekhyun wasn’t expecting much when he arrived, maybe a few servants would greet him and him to his room, the elderly head of the staff would meet him as his own maids helped him out of the carriage. But when he arrived at the manor, there were ten servants waiting for him, lining the stairs on either side. When Baekhyun got down from the carriage it was not the hand of his maid that waited for him, but the hand of a handsome man in a tailored suit.

“Lovely to meet you,” the man said. “I am Lord Kim Jongdae.”

The pain in his head made it difficult for Baekhyun to think clearly, but he had enough breeding that he was able to hold his head high and smile. “I am honored to meet you.” He took the Lord’s hand and exited the carriage, stumbling the second his feet touched the ground. Lord Kim’s hands steadied him before he could fall.

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun said. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, and it was a struggle to make himself open his eyes again. “The journey…”

“I was told that your health is poor,” Lord Kim said gently. “I will show you to your room at once, my servants will move your belongings inside. When you are well, they will bring your trunks to your room.”

“Thank you,” Baekhyun said. He leaned heavily on Lord Kim as they walked into the house. Had Baekhyun been feeling well he would have paid more attention to his surroundings, but as it was all he could focus on was the floor, and putting his feet firmly on the ground as he walked. Lord Kim took Baekhyun to a room and helped him to the bed, even helped him remove his shoes.

“I will see you soon,” Lord Kim said. “I hope you feel well again.”

Baekhyun murmured a thank you, and then he laid down and fell asleep instantly.

Baekhyun woke up feeling groggy and confused. His head ached and swam, and he was stuck thinking about an event from his childhood that he hadn’t thought about in the longest time.

He woke up to the crash of thunder and screamed. A servant raced to his bed and tried to console him, but he leapt from the sheets and ran through the hall to his mother’s room. He pounded on her door, shouting for her to let him in. The door opened and he fell into his mother’s arms, sobbing loudly.

“I’m sorry miss,” the servant said, “He ran right by me.”

“No harm,” Mother said gently, Baekhyun’s hair. It was still long and pretty and she could twirl it around her fingers. “My poor baby. Come, sleep with mama tonight.”

Baekhyun desperately tried to calm himself—he knew mother hated noise. She didn’t scold him as she took him to her bed and laid down, covering them with her blanket. The thunder crashed and Baekhyun muffled a shriek in his hands and buried his face in his mother’s neck.

“It’s alright, darling,” She soothed, “Thunder can’t hurt you.”

Baekhyun shuddered and sobbed. “But it sounds so angry! Why is it so angry?”

“It’s not angry,” Mother said, “It’s excited. Thunder only gets to come out and play when the rain comes, it gets bored and lonely.”

Baekhyun wiped his eyes and snuggled closer to her. “But it’s scary.”

“Don’t be scared, mama will protect you.”

Baekhyun rubbed tears from his eyes and sat up. His head no longer ached, and he rose from the bed and went to the window to open the curtains. Once the light streamed in, he was able to look around the room. He was surprised by how lovely it was—the floors were all a light pine, the walls and the furniture were all painted white. The molding and details around the ceiling had been left unpainted and were the same light pine as the floors. The curtains and drapes around the bed were of heavy, white fabric, stitched with a golden spiral design. It was a far cry from the dark details he was used to in his old home. The dressing room was similarly light, with large white cabinets, already half filled with his belongings (he made a note to thank the ladies for their hard work) and he continued to the bathroom. The white theme had continued, there was a large white bathtub in the center of the room, and white tiles for flooring. It was all very tasteful and while it wasn’t imposing, it was obvious that great care had been taken with the décor and all of it was very expensive. Lord Kim was a wealthy man.

“Master Baekhyun?”

Baekhyun turned around. The younger of the maids, Seulgi, was standing in the doorway. “Sir, it’s good to see you awake. May I get you something to eat?”

Baekhyun nodded. “What time is it?”

“Almost noon, sir. It’s been a day since our arrival.”

Baekhyun’s eyes widened in shock. “Have I been asleep for so long?”

Seulgi looked at him nervously. “We tried to rouse you, sir. Do you remember?”

In fact, he did not. But he shook his head. “Never mind, it’s not important. I would like something light, if you please. Porridge or a simple broth, whatever you can find.”

She bowed, “Yes, sir. And sir, Lord Kim has been asking to meet you for dinner when you are feeling well.”

Baekhyun remembered the kind and polite way Lord Kim had greeted him, though he couldn’t remember the man’s face. “I’ll go tonight, if he will allow it.”

Seulgi bowed again. “I’ll ask him for you.”

Baekhyun returned to the main room and seated himself at the dressing table. His brush and lotions had already been laid out, but the powders had not. He began to brush his hair, wrinkling his nose at the texture. It needed to be washed, and if he was to meet the Lord then he would need to bathe. He wondered if he should wear a suit or one of his dresses—father did say Lord Kim knew about them.

Seulgi returned with porridge and the other maid, Namjoo. They both continued to unpack while Baekhyun ate, and just as he had finished there was a knock on the door. A female servant entered and handed Seulgi a piece of paper, and she looked it over before nodding.

She turned to Baekhyun. “Lord Kim will see you tonight, at six.”

Baekhyun looked at the clock. It was already one.

“We’d better get a move on, in that case.”

Baekhyun bathed while his clothing was prepared. He rubbed lotion on his skin and in his hair, brushed his teeth, and dressed in a white shirt, black pants and a black vest. He powdered his face and lined his eyes, but he didn’t paint his lips. He was ready with five minutes to spare.

Baekhyun went to the formal sitting room. A fire had been lit, and as Baekhyun entered a servant lead him to a chair—he recognized her as the one who had delivered Seungli the note earlier. The woman handed him a glass of water, and then left. It was only then that Baekhyun noticed Lord Kim standing by the window. He was quite a handsome man, and so young! His face was smooth and his hair dark, with not a trace of grey. He had sharp features and beautiful lips, curved slightly at the corners. He looked a bit like a cat. Baekhyun rose to bow, but Lord Kim held up a hand.

“Please, remain seated.” He walked over and took the chair opposite Baekhyun. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” Baekhyun said, “I apologize for not being able to greet you properly upon my arrival.”

Lord Kim shook his head. “No need to apologize. I’m more sorry that you felt so poorly. Is there anything I can get for you that will help?”

Baekhyun was truly touched by the man’s concern. “No, thank you, but my servants know my medication, I have what I need.”

Lord Kim nodded, and changed the subject. “Do you like your rooms?”

“They’re beautiful,” Baekhyun assured, “To be honest, I like them more than my rooms back home. They’re so much brighter.”

Lord Kim smiled, and it was a truly lovely smile. “I’ve never liked dark houses, they make everything so dreary. I wanted to make the house as bright as possible, I do enjoy how it turned out.” He gestured towards the windows. “The gardens are equally nice, I’ve been told you like the outdoors. The property is vast, you have free range of the grounds. There are several horses in the barn, any of which you may ride if you so desire.” He pointed to the door on the opposite side of the room. “Through that door lies the West Wing, my personal quarters. I would be most grateful if you didn’t go there. The rest of the house is yours to explore, if you wish.”

Baekhyun nodded. “Yes, I’ll take care to remember that.”

They continued to chat for a few minutes before a butler called them in for dinner. It was a delicious meal, and Baekhyun ate a bit more than he intended to. He was usually careful, because too much food could upset his stomach, and it could make him gain weight. He needed to be careful, his dresses would have to last him a while, until he could find someone to sponsor new ones for him.

After dinner Baekhyun and Lord Kim moved back to the sitting room.

“I noticed your ring, earlier,” Lord Kim said, gesturing at Baekhyun’s hand. “It’s quite lovely, but it doesn’t look like a typical man’s ring.”

Baekhyun touched the diamonds gently. “It’s not. My mother gave it to me.”

“Oh, yes,” Lord Kim said quietly, then he spoke up, “I’ve heard of it, it’s one of the family heirlooms. She made an excellent choice, giving it to you. I can tell you take good care of it.”

Baekhyun smiled and twisted the ring on his finger. “She gives me a lot of her things, but this is most precious to me.” He took a deep, steadying breath, and looked up at Lord Kim. “How well did you know my mother?”

Lord Kim looked sad. “Not well at all, I’m afraid. I only met her once, several years ago. I was quite surprised when she wrote to me, asking me to take you in. I couldn’t believe she remembered me.”

Baekhyun’s heart beat faster and he took another deep breath. “Do you know what’s wrong with her?”

Lord Kim looked unsure of how to answer, or if he would at all, and Baekhyun reached out and took his hand. “Please, no one will tell me what’s happening to her. I know I’ll never see her again, and I would just like to know…” his voice broke, and he stopped talking.

Lord Kim held Baekhyun’s hands in a kind but firm grip. “I don’t want to upset you, but you do have a right to know. She has what’s called a tumor, inside of her head. It affects her memory, and causes her to be confused and forgetful. It also gives her headaches and makes her tired.”

Baekhyun nodded, feeling light-headed. “She…won’t recover, will she?”

“No, she will only get worse. I suspect that her letter to me was…one of her last moments of true clarity.”

Baekhyun struggled to keep his composure. “Thank you, I appreciate your honesty with me.”

Lord Kim gripped Baekhyun’s hands tightly. “I shouldn’t have…I can see that I’ve made you upset. I am so sorry.”

Baekhyun lowered his head, fighting back tears. “No, it’s better that I found out now, rather than after I get married. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll return to my rooms now.”

Lord Kim nodded and released Baekhyun’s hands. “Alright. Good night, Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun stood. “Good night, Lord Kim.” He turned to leave.

“Baekhyun!”

He turned back around, and Lord Kim smiled at him. “Please, call me Jongdae.”

Baekhyun managed a genuine smile. “Good night, Jongdae.”

When Baekhyun returned to his rooms, he dismissed the servants and cried the entire night.

For a week Baekhyun explored Lord Ki—Jongdae’s manor. It was spacious and opulent, but not overly so. It wasn’t gaudy, but Jongdae wasn’t shy about his wealth. Baekhyun thought it must have taken years for his family to build up their treasury after the house was built and decorated, or maybe it had happened a little at a time. His favorite place was his own quarters, his second favorite was the kitchen, and third were the libraries. Jongdae gave him permission to read whatever he wanted, and Baekhyun took full advantage of that. And every night, Baekhyun and Jongdae had dinner together.

But Baekhyun was distracting himself from what he had learned on that first day, and finally it caught up to him. His mother was losing her mind and dying, and Baekhyun just knew that he was going to end up just like her. The knowledge began to take its toll on his body. His headaches became worse, he slept more and refused to eat, and finally he became ill enough that he couldn’t leave his bed.

Baekhyun floated in and out of consciousness. His maids tried to get him to eat, and Junho helped him bathe and dress, but Baekhyun didn’t speak to them until they tried to give him his injections. When he felt his servants cleaning his arms for the needles, he opened his eyes and sat up.

“No,” he said quietly.

“S-sir,” Namjoo stammered, “You need your medication. You’re ill.”

Baekhyun shook his head. “Please, it’s too much right now. It’s too painful.” He blinked back tears. “Leave.”

They obeyed, but they came back a few hours later, and it began again.

“Stop,” Baekhyun ordered as Junho prepared the needles. “I don’t want them.”

“You need them,” Junho said. “You’ll get worse without them.”

Baekhyun grabbed his pillow and threw it at Junho with unexpected ferocity, knocking the vial of medicine from his hand. “I said stop!” He shouted. “I’m sick of those damn things, I’ve been stuck thousands of times and I’ve never once gotten any better, never! I’m not accepting them anymore, take them away, go! Now!”

The door to his room opened and Baekhyun squinted into the light from the hall. “Who is that?!” He demanded.

“It’s me,” Jongdae said, closing the door behind him. “I heard shouting.”

Seulgi dropped to a bow. “Forgive us, we were trying to give Master Baekhyun his injections. He’s refusing.”

Baekhyun laid down and pulled his blanket over his head. He closed his eyes, and he must have fallen asleep, because when he opened his eyes again he just knew that a lot of time had passed, and he thought he was finally alone. He sat up and gasped in shock—Jongdae was directly next to him, sitting on the edge of his bed.

“Oh my,” Jongdae said, placing his hands on Baekhyun’s face. “You’re so warm.”

Baekhyun shivered. “You’re so cold.”

Jongdae smiled. “I suppose I feel like that to you. Baekhyun, I have your injections ready. Can I please—”

“I don’t want them,” Baekhyun said, his voice coming out in a whine. “Take them away.”

“But you need them.”

Baekhyun’s eyes filled with tears. “I don’t want them,” he whispered. “Please, don’t make me sit through that again.”

Jongdae moved closer. “They’re painful for you?”

Baekhyun laughed, and it turned into a sob. “Of course they are! My god, I’ve been stuck with so many needles since I was a child, one would think I’d become immune, but it hurts so badly, and it lingers, I feel it burn for hours after, I hate it, I hate it so much, oh god it’s awful.” He wiped his eyes. “Please, I’m begging you, take them away. I don’t want to see them ever again.”

Jongdae moved closer, and Baekhyun looked away from his pleading expression. “But you’ll die without them,” Jongdae said.

“I’ll die anyway,” Baekhyun said. “Why delay it?”

Jongdae sighed heavily. “I knew I shouldn’t have told you.”

Baekhyun barked out a short laugh. “Well then, I don’t like you very much anymore.” He knew he shouldn’t have been speaking like this to someone kind enough to bring him into his home, but he wasn’t even sure that Jongdae was really there. His vision was swimming, and he might have been hallucinating. “Here I thought I could trust you. but you’re a liar like everyone else.” He laid back down. “Bury me in my red lace dress. I don’t care how inappropriate it is, it’s my favorite.”

Baekhyun woke up to someone shouting.

“Jongdae, how could ask this of me?!”

“Shh, please! I only ask because I know I have no other choice if I want to save him.”

There was a scoff. “You’re not really related to him, and you barely know him. Why the interest?”

“He’s had such a hard life, hardly any life at all, and I have had so much life…I pity him. And he’s a good person, a kind man, he gave everything to his mother and never thought of himself. He’s had a life of pleasing others and it’ll continue to be that way if…if he doesn’t get a chance. I want to give him a chance.”

Baekhyun was confused. Was Jongdae talking about him? But Baekhyun wasn’t that selfless…was he?

“Ugh, you have it bad. You know this will cost you, yes? Dear friend though you may be, I’m not doing something like this for free.”

“I know. I’ll give you what you want.”

“You don’t even know what I want! I haven’t named my price.”

“I know you only want one thing from me. There’s only one thing I have that’s of value to you.”

There was a pause, and a sigh. “Well, if you know what you’re getting in to. Let’s begin.”

Baekhyun heard them leave, and he fell back asleep soon after.

That concert, you guys.