Hi ~

I finally updated and this is becoming longer each time ... I'm sorry but I have to ;-;

I had a hard time to write when all the 'Tao issue' started but I thought about all the story I read and suddenly stopped because of the other members leave and I didn't want to do the same so yeah, I finally made it !!

Hope you'll enjoy and sorry for any typo or grammar error, plz tell me if something isn't right ~

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3 / 4

It was 8:00 am when the hospital’s doors opened for visitors and Kris entered in the huge building right away at a fast pace. He first went to the reception, announcing himself to the secretary, and then took the way towards the elevator before pressing the call button. He had woken up early this morning because he wanted to take Tao for lunch at some good restaurant he knew and try to make him forget about his passage at the hospital; he knew that formalities took some time to be done and if Tao had to be checked one more time by the doctors before leaving, he wanted it to be done as earlier as possible.

The elevator’s doors opened and Kris went up to the third floor where Tao’s room was located. He checked his face in the back mirror and, satisfied, went out the cab before walking towards the right room. The corridor was quiet due to the absence of personnel in the service at this hour, and because it was rather early for visitors to be there, but Kris didn’t mind if it was Sunday and his last day of holiday before work; he missed Tao. If it had been him, he would have stayed and slept in the chair next to the younger’s bed but the nurses didn’t allowed it and he had had to leave the other alone. Passing the night there would have been less nerves racking for him though; even if it was Tao who didn’t like hospitals, doctors and hospital’s beds, it was Kris who didn’t like to know the other there alone and without him : what if Tao suddenly panicked and Kris wasn’t here to calm him down? What if Tao cried and Kris wasn’t here to make him stop, having nobody to comfort him? What if his condition unexpectedly turned bad and Kris didn’t knew it? What if someone came in his room during the night and disturbed him? What if and what if again and again…

In fact, Kris came here as earlier as possible because he hadn’t slept well at all this night, too worried to rest, and knew that he would only be able to release the tension in his body when seeing that the other was alright.

He reached the last room, Tao’s one, and knocked lightly on the door, waiting for an answer. As none came, he entered the room, careful to be silent as no sound indicated that Tao was awake. He looked at the bed where Tao was apparently still sleeping and Kris smiled fondly. He didn’t have to worry after all, the younger boy seemed to be totally fine.

Kris came closer to the sleeping boy with careful step and started to touch the other’s soft black hair, caressing his head affectingly and studying him silently. Tao’s face was half hidden by the covers and half by his hair, his breathing was even and he was in a foetal position which made him look smaller than he really was. Unlike his usual attitude showed, he seemed so young at the moment, almost like a child, innocent and fragile.

Kris had really admired Tao’s strength when he had got to live with him this last few months; physically, Tao, like Zitao, was well built, with muscled legs and a toned chest, a really nice body if he had to say, but it was especially his maturity that impressed him. Emotionally, the boy had all over control and had rarely let go or cried, even when it came to hard moment when they were talking together about his life; after the first day, he had only cracked once, when Kris talked to him about Zitao’s parents. Tao could look intimidating at first, beautiful and unreachable with his lonely aura, but Kris knew better that under this severe mask Tao hid a soft and kind heart which had suffered a lot. People just needed to try and know him more.

Kris continued to play with Tao’s hair a moment, enjoying the rare contact, and before he could decide if he should wake up the boy or not, a nurse came into the room making Tao come back to reality, saying it was time for breakfast. She gave the bedridden boy his plate after greeting politely Kris and left the room to continue her morning routine.

When the door closed, Tao sat up slowly and quietly stared in front of him with his eyes still hidden by his hair, not looking even once at the other man in the room. Kris waited a minute for Tao to acknowledge him, but seeing that the other wouldn’t say anything to him nor eat, he started to worry a little and came closer to the younger again, saying hello in an uncertain voice and patting his arm lightly to try getting his attention. At the contact, Tao went stiff and Kris took back his hand immediately, confused by his reaction.

Without talking but only nodding as an answer to Kris’ greeting, Tao then took the spoon on the plate before him and began to eat whatever eatable was served in front of him.

Kris didn’t understood the rather cold treatment he was receiving and the strange behaviour Tao had so he sat down next to the bed, his eyes never leaving the other’s face, and waited for him to finish his breakfast before asking him what was wrong. Tao didn’t answered him but only came back to his previous position, head hanging low and eyes hidden by his hair, not looking at Kris.

The older felt his gut tighten as he really had no clue about what was happening and he tried to ask the younger again if it was his fault or if he did something wrong … if something had happened or if Tao felt bad again and needed him to call someone, almost begging for the younger to talk to him at some point as Tao stayed quiet and continued to stare at his fingers.

Kris began to grow frustrated by the situation and as he continued to ask Tao why he was being strange all of a sudden his tone became angrier and even harsh as he was clueless about what was happening. By the time, Tao’s shoulders started to tremble slightly, his whole body looking like it would broke at any moment and Kris finally felt silent. He didn’t like to act this way when it came to Tao, but the silence he was receiving as an answer was the worst for him. He didn’t know if Tao felt bad, if he was still sick or if he was angry at him. What could I have done?

Suddenly, as Kris studied Tao’s hidden face, he remembered what happened between the two of them last night and he felt his heart squeeze in understanding. He must have crossed the line when he tried to stop the other from crying. Even if they hadn’t really kissed each other, like he would want to, the gesture had felt like that for Kris. The meaning had been the same. He had wanted to show Tao how much he meant for him now. He had wanted for the other to see his care, to see that he was here, with him, supporting him. But perhaps Tao didn’t want it and just didn’t say anything at the moment because he was too gentle. Tao liked Kris, the blond was sure of that, but the younger had always kept his distances and made sure to not get too close or expose his feelings in any way.

It was clear he didn’t want Kris to do so or push him.

If Tao’s cold attitude was a rejection and Kris had went too far, he at least wanted to apologise, and promise Tao that he will be more careful and not be too intimate with him if he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to break whatever they had, or worst, lose the other.

“Tao?” Kris asked softly, his previous anger totally forgotten now “Do you… are you really angry?” he continued, seeing that Tao still didn’t reacted “Is it because what, what happened yesterday? When I kissed you? I … I’m sorry if that’s what upsetting you but, please. I-I won’t do it again, I promise. I understand that you don’t want us to become too close and that I’m not enough to make you happy, I promise to keep my distances okay? Please just … say something, talk to me, Tao?”

~************~

Tao had gripped his hospital dress in his hands at Kris last sentence and his knuckles had turned white because of how tight he grabbed the material. He couldn’t let Kris think that kind of things. Kris didn’t know how much happier Tao was since he met him. The older had been the best thing that happened in his life since his parent’s death, whenever the other touched him, he felt so warm and like his chest might explode with how fast his heart was beating, he felt so secure near the blond male and at the right place.

But he just couldn’t look at him right now or talk to him.  He knew that if he looked at those gentle and deep brown eyes Kris had, he wouldn’t be able to resist to the temptation to just stay close to the other and never let go. He would want to kiss him on the lips like he wanted since the beginning, since he saw how accepting Kris was with him, how understanding; he would tell him he liked him and beg him to accept him, to stay with him … to love him.

But he also knew he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t stay and couldn’t be with Kris now.

Not when he had made his mind after what he learnt that night.

He felt so bad and sick about what he will have to do now, his heart heavy as he shook his head in denial, trying to stay composed but at the end not succeeding in restraining the big tears that rolled down on his cheeks, creating a wet spot on his clothed chest.

~************~

Flashback

Tao’s eyes went wide and he sat up so fast his vision blurred for a second. He stood up, unsure on his legs and walked closer to the window, staring at the reflection.

What was happening? The boy he saw sleeping in the bed looked like him but … it couldn’t possibly be him?

Tao closed his eyes, feeling an unpleasant shiver ran down his spine, and hoped he just had a hallucination as he reopened them slowly, but the scene before him was the same. He found the interrupter next to the window and tried to switch on then switch off the light again but the reflection didn’t changed. He suddenly felt like collapsing again and went on shaky legs to the small bathroom before putting water on his face. If it wasn’t his reflect it was someone else who was like him. Another one.

Tao felt sick again and came back in bed before shutting his eyes tight, trying to find a plausible answer. Who? Who could the boy be? He had clearly saw his face and he knew that his traits wasn’t common, even in China. And if it really was a stranger with the exact same features … whatever the explication would be, that didn’t bode well and it send more chills in his arms and neck. Feeling really bad, Tao exhaled slowly and massaged his forehead, his headache coming back as he took the glass of water the doctor left there for him if he needed to drink during the night.

As he took a sip of the welcome liquid, he realised something. Suho.

It had been this man who told him to look at the window before sleeping. When the doctor had say it to him before leaving, Tao hadn’t understood what he meant but now... it was clear that this Suho knew what Tao would see. More questions rushed into his mind: who was this man? Could it be possible that he knew about his secret? About his ability? And if yes, how?

Tao needed answers. Needed to see him.

He pressed the call button close to his bed and waited nervously for someone to come see what was happening. When the nurse arrived after a minute, Tao didn’t let her speak a word and asked her immediately to send the doctor Suho to him and tell him it was really urgent.

Tao, in his haste, had stood up in an awkward position on his bed and he must look a little bit insane with his still wet face and hair, wrecked clothes and wide eyes because the nurse didn’t took his phone service but only sighed while posing some medicaments on the night stand. She then stared at him with bored eyes and Tao sat down, trying to ask again and more calmly this time to call the doctor for him, but the nurse only kept looking at him before asking what was wrong and why did he need to see the doctor at this hour?

Tao couldn’t say the real reason to her so he only answered that he needed to talk to him about something personal. By the sudden tired expression on her face he mustn’t be the first patient to cause problem at 1 am and the small woman crossed his arms before telling him in a strict tone that if he was feeling bad he must take the painkillers on his night stand and go back to sleep because he didn’t have anything serious and sleep was what he needed the most to fully recover.

Tao was getting annoyed by the woman who didn’t want to call the person he needed to see and couldn’t contact without someone else’s help. Ignoring what she previously said, he asked her again and again, not giving up, and, after almost shouting and threatening to wake up all the hospital with his screams and leave the place without permission if she still refused, the nurse finally consented and called the doctor Kim who had exceptionally stayed late tonight to classify some documents.

As the nurse left the room after glaring murderously at Tao, the boy sat down straight on the bed and tapped nervously his fingers on his tights. He was scared and nervous now. Scared of what Suho could knew and nervous about what it could be.

After five minutes which seemed like hours, the door finally opened and Suho entered the room before greeting Tao with a polite smile, coming towards him and taking place in the chair next to his bed.

“I guess you looked at your window” Suho talked first after a minute, his voice calm and steady.

Tao shivered. He didn’t liked it, he felt vulnerable.

“Who are you?” Tao asked, tense, not giving an answer because it was obvious Suho knew it already.

“Who am I?” the older man repeated “ Erm let’s see … I’m Kim Suho, thirty-three, I am a doctor in this hospital since two years now and I have a cute dog named pearl, I’m li-“

“Are you making fun of me right now?” Tao cut the doctor with unbelief in his tone and eyes. The man was presenting himself like he was in one of those popular game show on TV and he didn’t seemed to joke, it was unbelievable.

“Pardon?” Suho asked, almost genuinely, “Not at all. Why? Don’t you want to know who I am?”

Tao was really taken aback by the man’s cool but quite childish attitude, he couldn’t say if he was being serious or if he was just playing with his nerves on purpose.

“I want to know who you are to know that I could see another world when looking in this window” Tao explained though he was sure Suho was just enjoying watching him struggle to stay calm and pointing behind his back.

“Oh…” Suho feigned surprise, and Tao couldn’t decide whether scream in desperation or rising anger at the other angel-like face but mocking tone “Well, I know because I’m like you Tao. I, too, can see the other dimension of course.” Suho, then smiled; and Tao’s jaw fell agape.

Suho could see the same things as him? Was it really possible? It was difficult to believe because everybody had always thought he had a psychological disease but … with what was happening, he had to admit that the other had to be in the same case; he wouldn’t know otherwise. It lighted Tao’s heart for an instant knowing this; even if this person was a quite creepy he wasn’t alone anymore.

“You’re not from here are you?” Suho asked after a minute of silent, observing him.

Tao shook his head, still in thoughts, and waited for Suho to speak again; he wasn’t sure if he should tell his story to the other man just yet.

“And I guess it’s your first time switching dimension, you don’t seem to know a lot about your capacities” Suho continued, his tone almost critical at the end. Tao just nodded but he didn’t see how he could have known anything about his ‘capacities’ when nobody believed they existed and he himself made a point in hiding them

“Well, I guess I have to explain everything to you then?” and it was rhetorical as Suho continued without waiting for Tao’s nod “First, know that we have no clue about how this power appeared and how it comes that only a few people are possessing it. I’m currently doing researches on its origin and development but it’s hard when you don’t have many documents or people available to study; it will take a lot of time to find any explications and it’s possible that we won’t even find one. Second, know that this particularity of ours is accompanied by a more … ‘thrilling’ ability than seeing the other dimension in reflecting surfaces and you probably see about what I’m talking: the travel between dimensions.”

Tao was listening to the older man like never he had ever listened to someone in his life. Even during his favorite lectures at the university he sometimes caught himself yawn and half listening because of tiredness, but here, at almost 3 am, he got to know about himself, about his poisonous gift and he literally drank Suho’s words, printing them in his head. His previous fears had somehow vanished and he now felt excited at the prospect of learning more.

“I would like to explain to you how my first travel was and how I discovered all its trick but I don’t have time to talk about myself right now; if you really are curious about it though, you can ask Junmyeon when you’ll meet him.” Suho smiled softly “I’m sure he’ll answer to all of your questions, he loves to talk about this subject.”

“Junmyeon?” Tao asked in curiosity, talking again now that he was more comfortable with the other.

“Hm? Oh yeah, you don’t know who he is yet… well, you’ll discover it later. But let’s talk back about you.” Suho waved his hand in the direction of the window and looked at Tao in the eyes, his tone turning serious once again “You must wonder how it is possible for your body to still be in your world?”

Tao looked behind him and his eyes went wide when Suho’s words sank in his brain. His body? He looked back at Suho and the older crossed his arms before asking Tao to tell him how he had managed to switch dimension. Tao explained quickly how he had wished to go in the other world before drifting to sleep in the metro and how he had woken up there, and Suho nodded in understanding.

“So you passed the border while you were sleeping?” Tao nodded, still not believing what the other just said “It’s what I thought” the doctor continued “you see … back then, your ‘travel’ if I can resume it like this, wasn’t conscious. Your mind accepted the change of dimension but not your body. While sleeping, your mind went away, came here and left your body empty behind in your real world like … a useless piece of cloth.”

“How-how can that be possible?” Tao asked, disconcerted by this new information.

“Travelling between dimensions isn’t something easy you know. If you want to leave your real world for good, as one I mean, without letting your body behind, you have to want to pass to the other side with all your self being.” Suho answered, confusing Tao even more.

“I don’t understand what you mean. I wanted to go there, I- … I’ve always wished to go there, since forever. I wanted to find somewhere I could be myself without hiding. I remember wishing it every night in my head.” Tao’s excitement had somehow left and he started to seriously doubt about the older information, they didn’t make any sense.

“Well your body there” Suho pointed behind Tao at the reflection still showing the sleeping boy “tell us otherwise. Even if you didn’t realised and apparently still don’t realise it, you have a physical attachment to your real world. You probably have the affection for your friends, your house and your family which kept you to leave fully. You still have things you couldn’t leave definitively behind.”

At the mention of his friends, his heart squeezed and he felt bad for having forgotten about them since he was here. Sehun and Kai had stayed with him during all his high school time and they had passed great moments together. At this time, Tao had almost forgotten about his fear of the exterior and about his abnormality. They must be worried about him right now, not hearing about him since the last 3 months. He really was a bad friend.

“I…. I don’t know what I have to understand.” Tao finally said, his head and heart heavy “If my body stayed behind, what am I? How is it possible for me to be here and walk, touch and feel things?”

“Well, it happens when the person has a really strong desire to pass. His will is stronger than some physical law and he occurs to be in a replacement body. “ Suho explained, his voice now tired and his face blank “An ephemeral envelop if you want. What you are right now is just a double of yourself. Your actual body is slowly becoming weaker and weaker back in your reality. At first you just had small headache but see, you fainted yesterday and if you continue to stay here in this condition you might just get unconscious again but this time you won’t be able to wake up.”

Tao eyes went as wide as an owl’s at the last statement and his voice came a little panicked when he talked again “So what you’re saying is… that, I’m slowly dying here? Without any possibility of stopping the process?”

“If you stay here in this state yes.” the doctor confirmed calmly, at the opposite of Tao’s feelings “If you want to stay here for as long as you want without being in danger you need to go back to your real world, be in phase with your body and come back here in a whole being, not with your mind only.”

“I need to go back?” Tao’s head might really explode now with how the situation seemed to get worse and worse at each new information “But how?”

“For it to be easier, you need to go where you crossed the line the first time and act the same way you did when you first travelled.” Suho shrugged his shoulders “Everyone has his proper technique though.”

Tao was distraught. He had to leave? Sure he knew, at the back of his mind that he would have to, someday; but now that he had to do it quickly or his life would be in real danger … He was scared and panicked and “I need time to think of what to do. I just can’t go back and then leave again, and … I-I’m not ready to go back”

“Be careful, it’s your health we are talking about right now, your life.” Suho looked suddenly concerned and stood up before posing a small hand on Tao’s knee “But if the man accompanying you is worse dying then I wish you to live as long as possible in this body.”

“It’s not-“ Tao wanted to deny but the doctor cut him short.

“I have to go. I told you what you needed to know but it’s your decision to make now.” Suho took back his hand after a last pat and yawn again, managing a tired smile in Tao’s direction “If you need anything before ‘returning home’ don’t hesitate to come here and ask for me. I’ll see you in priority.”

Tao stayed silent and only looked at the doctor leaving the room tiredly, if it was for someone who just came in and saw him, he wouldn’t be able to tell that the man had just announced his imminent death to his patient. Tao was maybe overreacting but seeing the other’s back made him suddenly sick and angry. It remembered him he had to leave.

“I’ll take your silence for an unsaid thank you then.” Suho finally said before going out and closing the door behind him “I hope to see you soon Tao.”

~

Tao couldn’t sleep after that.

He stayed awake the whole night, replaying what Suho had said to him again and again.

The words where still ringing in his ears and his brain was trying hard to completely understand them, understand their importance.

What he learnt tonight wasn’t only about what he should do in the near future, tonight he learnt that he wasn’t alone, that he never truly was. He wasn’t the only one who could see the other world: Suho was like him. And what he said let assume that more people could do the same.

It was difficult to agree with this new idea, not being alone, to accept it; and it made his previous anger came back but for another reason now. He was angry at them of course, those other who had the power, because they should have tried to gather themselves and create … he didn’t know, an order, an association or even a simple group which would do researches like the doctor’s and try to find the ‘gifted one’, to help them and guide them.

But this thoughts also made him more frustrated by his own passive attitude; thinking of being the only one all this time. He should have … he should have tried to understand what was in him, what was this force and not look at it like it was a ghost, a nightmare who would devour him if he was too close or tried to use it. He had always been scared of what he saw. He had wanted to go to this place he could see but it was something magical, dangerous even, an inaccessible wonderland for him.

What could he have done by himself and with those fears? Tao felt like a child once again. An unsecure child who couldn’t live without someone beside him to take care of him, reassure him. He hadn’t had anyone since his mother disappeared but now … his though went slowly to Kris and his anger immediately fell.

Kris was the new light of Tao now, in his own darkness he was what kept him to hide himself and stay in a corner, like a shadow. Thinking of Kris also made him remember the situation he was in. What should he do? He still hadn’t come to a decision and if he was being honest, didn’t really want to come to one. He had only came to the conclusion that he couldn’t tell everything to Kris, because the older would either want to try and convince him to leave or rest with him and Tao knew he had to make this choice alone. He didn’t want Kris to worry more and be a burden for him.

He also knew that he had to go back and retrieve his body. It sounded ridiculously scary even now but he was slowly dying here, and he still wanted to live and try to have a new start as a grown man. But the idea of leaving Kris … he couldn’t support it. He knew the other would suffer by his undetermined long absence and was sure that he himself he would be. Kris had become as important as his mother was to him. He was his new rock, it was him who achieved to make him smile in less than five second when he felt sad, to make him feel warm inside, warm like never he had been warm. He needed to be with Kris to be happy; and the thought of losing him was scarier than dying, it made his body shiver and tears prick at the corner of his eyes.

He had found happiness with the other here and even if it wasn’t and couldn’t be perfect, what they had was precious for Tao, a precious gift. It would be nothing but wrong if Tao left without saying anything to the other. Kris cared for him, him Tao and trusted him.

The tears were now rolling freely on his cheeks and his heart hadn’t felt this heavy since a long time, since he came here he realised. This dimension travel had been like a medicinal cure, it changed him and made him different, he was more open, more free, more everything and less scared thanks to the man he met there; but now he had to leave and abandon him, and perhaps forever. The sobs and tears couldn’t stop from coming out and Tao rubbed his eyes furiously, hating them and their taste.

Why god did this to him? What did he do to deserve this? When he had come here he thought that a second chance had been offered to him. That somehow, the heaven had took pity of him and tried to help him. But this situation was worse than before. Now that Tao knew what heaven felt like, what real love felt like; the return to his black, cold and lonely life would be unbearable. Right now staying and dying here seemed better. He could decide to stay there forever Suho had said after all. And now that he thoughts of it, yes, Kris was worth dying.

Tao tried to breathe properly and stop his chest to jolt this painfully, it was really late now and the lack of sleep Tao had didn’t make it easy to calm down. Yeah, calm down, breathe and think again… don’t rush to any bad conclusions he tried to repeat to himself.

Dying would meant being separated from Kris, and lost everything. And dying wasn’t the only option he had if he wanted to stay here definitely. He could claim his body back. But how, how could he made his body lose any affection he had back in his world?

Thinking back, he had always been supported by his aunt and his friends. Even if they didn‘t know his secret they had tried to be gentle with him and they had stayed by his side. Sehun and Kai never treated him differently nor tried to change him. They knew Tao was a little different but they took him as a whole.

Tao felt his tears came back and he hid his head under the covers. Remorse began to appear in addition of the rest. What he realised now was that he never really tried to get well. To be normal. To be happy. He never tried to accept himself and live with other without fear. Seeing how Suho was doing with his life, he could have given his own self a try. Tao feared the world because he first feared himself. Suho was right. He had to accept himself, to be one and in accord and then came back here.

At last his decision was taken: he would go back to his original world the next day, see his aunt, his old home, his mother’s grave and his friends a last time before coming back here and stay for good. He would thank them and go back to Kris.

He definitively had to success. For Kris and for him.

Now that he had made his mind, he felt tiredness fall heavy on him and he started to drift slowly to sleep when he heard a small knock on the door followed by two more.

He tensed but didn’t move from his position under the covers.

It must just be the nurse but Tao had the feeling that it was someone else, someone he wasn’t ready to see yet.

~************~

Present time

Tao suddenly started to sob but he made no sound. His shoulders were shaking though and he tried to hide his face between his knees, not letting Kris see him.

The elder’s eyes widened as he didn’t expected to make the other cry but he didn’t make a move forward, not really knowing what to do. Tao didn’t clearly answered to his question and Kris didn’t want to make a wrong move again. He saw the way Tao had shook his head though, and he hoped he didn’t misunderstood and that Tao truly wasn’t upset by what happened. But if this wasn’t the reason … why Tao was crying this hard and not talking to him?

After a minute of Tao crying silently and Kris staring at him, helpless, the blond male took the younger’s chin from under his arms and made him look up at him.

Tao didn’t resist and Kris could see his entire face for the first time since he came in the room this morning. Tao was still crying, his cheeks wet and shining, and his eyes were bloody red, like he had cried since a long time and way before Kris’ visit.

Tao’s lips quivered and he sobbed more, closing his eyes and looking more disturbed than Kris ever seen. Kris took him in his arms and patted his trembling back gently, soothing words falling out his mouth and his mind focused on the other sad expression.

What’s happening to you?

~************~

Tao calmed down after a moment and Kris let go off him when the boy tried to break the contact but still looked worriedly at him. There was only silence in the room but Tao was finally looking at Kris, studying him. The older waited, not daring to speak, scared to do something wrong and have to see Tao retract again.

“Kris?” Tao said the name in a hoarse voice, making Kris jump slightly in surprise.

“Y-yes? What is it?” Kris answered, hopefully waiting for the other to continue talking to him.

“I-“ Tao started, unsure and turning his head towards the window “I’m sorry Kris”. He stopped and Kris wasn’t sure if the younger waited for an answer so he stayed quiet “I can’t say anything and I know I’m an egoist for asking you to just understand and don’t ask question but…” Tao continued before looking at him in the eyes, his own sincere “but I can’t let you think that it’s your fault. And don’t ever say, or even think, that you aren’t what makes me happy those days okay?”

Kris, even if a little frustrated because Tao won’t explain anything at the end, felt his heart flutter in relief and affection when the other stopped looking at him, visibly embarrassed as a faint blush covered his cheeks. He didn’t like that Tao was hiding the truth but if the younger needed for him to just be there and support him then … he would do just that.

Kris sighed and rubbed his temples, Tao suddenly wearing a guilty look on his face when seeing the other tired face and expression.

“Okay” Kris finally said while meeting once again Tao’s still red and puffy eyes.

“Okay?” Tao repeated, seeming confused.

“Yeah …” the older male continued “I won’t have those kind of thoughts anymore and … I’ll not ask you more questions”

Tao nodded in thanks and Kris finally said with a small smile “I’m trusting you; I know you wouldn’t hide anything for no good reasons”

Kris tried to supress the uneasy feeling invading him as Tao’s expression turned dark once again and he was almost relieved when a nurse came in the room to take away Tao’s plate and announce that after signing some papers, they would be able to leave without more medical checking.

~

After Tao finally get discharged, the two men went to eat something at the nearest mall and after a rather silent and heavy like meal they agreed on returning home quickly as they both were tired because of their respective bad night.

Tao entered their shared apartment first and made his way towards the couch while Kris took of his shoes and went in the bathroom to take a needed shower as he still felt the smell of hospital on his skin and clothes.

He went out of the shower after ten good minutes and thought of sending Tao to do the same before going to sleep but the younger was already snoring quietly on the sofa, his face peaceful for the first time this day.

Kris came closer to him and stayed for a moment beside the other, only looking at him and wondering what made him this strange. He felt tiredness came to him tough, as the day had kind of wormed him out, and he went to his bedroom after wishing silently the younger good night, going to bed and falling asleep right away.

~************~

A week had passed since Tao’s visit at the hospital and the two boys fell once again in their usual routine. Kris still had to go to work and Tao returned to just hang around their place or go out for a walk with his cap and hoodie on his head, avoiding any contact and preferring the silent and almost deserted park at the crowded shopping centre near their apartment.

If the younger seemed tired and empty of any energy at the beginning, staying in bed and not eating much, Tao was now exactly the same as before:  whining when Kris came back late from work and made him wait too long and pouting to have the last bit of chocolate cake Kris bought. With this, the older tried hard to feel at peace and not worry too much about the weird incident he had with Tao at the hospital but … he couldn’t; he didn’t slept well and seemed unable to stop those bad dreams he made since Tao’s faint: Tao was always leaving him alone, going somewhere Kris couldn’t reach even if he tried and tried and this made the older wake up at the middle of the night, sweating and needing water to cool down before he could close his eyes again.

Not knowing anything was driving him crazy but he couldn’t ask anything to the younger, he promised. His fears were also unfunded and he will wait to have answer … he will wait.

~

This night was once again an agitated one for Kris and the older woke up once again in a silent cry of panic, his torso wet and the feeling of being too hot in his uncomfortable sheets. He looked around for a minute, realising that it had just been this same stupid dream and he sighed as he tried to calm his fast heartbeat and went to drink his now usual glass of water in the kitchen. He was walking like a zombie and narrowly missed to fell because of the chair beside the couch; he was so tired that it was almost a miracle that those dreams could still wake him up. 

After retrieving a normal breathe and feeling like he could just sleep standing there in the kitchen, he went back to his new bed now that Tao lived here and tried to find sleep again. He tried to get in a comfortable position and closed his eyes, waiting, but after ten minutes of fumbling around, not succumbing, he get on his back and stared at the ceiling. He had already returned and put his thoughts together after his two first sleepless night and his mind was void of anything except the white color above him.

As his eyes began to finally close again, his body now relaxed enough, he heard a sound coming from the bedroom where Tao was sleeping and went stiff; listening to the familiar sound of Tao’s footstep on the parked floor. Was he already dreaming? No, he didn’t fall asleep.

As Tao’s footstep grew closer Kris thoughts came back like an angry wave and his heart began to beat to fast he didn’t know how the other couldn’t heard it. The boy could just be thirsty and wanted to get something in the kitchen, he couldn’t really leave like that, without saying anything.

But it didn’t feel like it as Kris heard the sound of shoes getting putting on as well as a coat. It was this nightmare again; but this time, it was real, and Kris didn’t know if he should just run to Tao and beg him to not live him or wait and see if the younger was really leaving him behind.

He waited a little bit more, not hearing anything anymore and as he was about to open his eyes and jump out of bed to follow the other, he felt a faint breath on his face and stopped any movements, trying to keep his breath steady and hoping that the other didn’t saw it. He couldn’t heard anything apart from the other breathing sound and he wished nothing could be read on his face apart from his usual asleep expression as though his chest might explode at any minute now.

A minute passed, or maybe five, Kris couldn’t tell and the younger hadn’t moved from his position beside the bed. If it continued Kris would die from too much blood pressure or he would have to open his eyes and reveal his awake state to the other and, thinking about it, wasn’t it the best if he just opened them and make Tao stay here. Before he could make a choice, he felt something on his lips and couldn’t restrain the surprised take in of air through his nose, praying once again for the younger to not remark it. The pressure was soft and warm on his lips and his heartbeat increased like crazy when he came to the point that Tao was kissing him, for good. When he lost the touch after only what seemed a second he felt like crying, the touch had felt so familiar, like he had always know the feeling of Tao’s lips on his, like it had always be there, this warm and beautiful feels, inside his heart. But the kiss had also the bitter taste of goodbye and as he started to let his tears go out, he heard the sound of the door being closed and his chest clenched hard,

Where are you going?

~************~

Tao thanked the driver and closed the taxi door after paying the man. He breathed deeply a few times, getting some courage from this little ritual and took the way towards the hospital’s doors, focusing on his footpace to try forgetting all of the thoughts of just returning home and sleep, waking up at the heavenly smell of pancakes and wait with Kris for another solution who definitively won’t come.

He passed before the empty reception and took the elevator to the 7 th floor, going straightforward to the right door and knocking lightly on it, waiting. He heard someone shuffling with papers and then a ‘come in’ and he went in the office, closing the door behind him but not looking up.

“Tao?” a voice came from the back of the room.

Tao looked up at his name.

The man was sitting at his desk, the only light coming from the small lamp on it and Tao felt a shiver at the dark atmosphere it made. As if sensing Tao’s discomfort, the man reached for a button on the wall behind him and another lamp went on, suppressing a little the scary aura of the doctor who was, as usual Tao though, smiling at the taller boy.

Tao came closer to the desk as the other didn’t say more and the doctor motioned him to take a seat when he get in front of him. The younger did as told and Suho presented his hand to Tao who shook it, his shoulders tense and palms sweating.

“I guess that you made a choice?” the doctor asked, crossing his arms on his chest and resting back on the backrest, making Tao a bit less nervous as the other looked way too small and tiny on his huge chair.

Tao nodded, still not trusting his voice to not quiver and end in a grumbling mess.

“So?” Suho looked at him while feigning to rearrange his papers on the table “What is your decision?”

“I-… I’m living” Tao said after a minute, hoping that he didn’t sound as unsecure as he felt.

Suho sighed and a relieved look showed on his face; he patted Tao on the shoulder and said a “very good decision Tao, it’s for the best you know?” making the younger a little warmer because the other seemed to genuinely care about him after all.

“Now that you want to go back I have to explain to you how this is gonna happen hm?” the doctor continued with a serious tone he seemed to only use when he talked about the different dimensions, “like I said the other day, you have to return where you first travelled; you said it was in a metro is that right?” Tao nodded “so you have to go there and concentrate on the wish to return back in your world okay? Close your eyes if it’s easier and only think about your world, nothing else or this won’t work.” Suho then paused and waited for Tao to nod again, showing that he listened and understood what the other said “Now things will complicate a bit” he resumed, resting his chin on his crossed hands “the fact is that your body isn’t in the same place as when you came here, his position isn’t mirrored to yours. When you’ll leave this dimension, your mind will have to look for your body and that might be a bit painful I’m sorry … it’s because your body is at the hospital and, as so, a bit far from the metro.” the doctor explained, an encouraging expression on his face “Try to really stay concentrate on your body when you feel that you’re leaving, it will make it faster to return safely.”

Tao nodded and a question popped out when he realised that his mind would be like a ghost, looking for his body and wandering up to his body: “Did others ever lost themselves when travelling?”

Suho seemed surprised by the question and though for a moment, silent. “I don’t know if they ever got lost” he finally said with a shrug “they wouldn’t be able to talk about it if they did anyway so….” at the worried look on Tao’s face, he stopped and tried to reassure him with a small smile “but don’t worry, you’ll not get lost if you do just like I just explained to you”

Tao wasn’t less scared about the whole thing but he couldn’t really go back to Kris’ apartment now and risk to wake him up. He almost had when he … and he had to almost run out of the room. He had to do it now. Or he won’t have the courage a second time.

“Thank you” he said in a small voice, making Suho look taken aback again for a second but smile kindly nonetheless, nodding before returning to his paper on the table.

Tao stood up after a minute as it seemed that the other hadn’t anything more to say and began to leave when Suho suddenly stopped him.

“Oh, I almost forgot to ask” he said while standing up too “you didn’t met your alter-ego here do you?”

Tao’s heart clenched when he answered and his face went sad “No… I learnt that he had died in a car accident 6 months ago”

Suho eyes went wide at the news and after mumbling an apology and awkwardly hugging him with a few formal condolence words, returned to seat at his desk, looking at Tao as the younger opened the door.