It had been really long ago,eh? Some of you must have thought that I had dropped this story. But yeah, here I am, almost a year later.

I'm truly very sorry...This had been the hardest chapter so far. By the time I reached the diagnosis scene, I had a block. A scene with medical information was really hard...Plus, I'm worried if I messed up that part. In the end, I shortened it and focus more on the angst part. But life is hard too. So much had been going on, the good and the bad, and I just couldn't focus on writing. I was really worried that I had made my readers waited for so long, but I assure you, no matter how hard it is I'm not going to drop this ever until it ends. I won't promise to update this regularly because you never know what will happen in life. So curse me, hate me if you want for being so damn late (I'm really sorry T___T) but please don't hate the story. Now enjoy~

*Since there are too much angst, I filled in some fluff. I'm no good in fluff actually but here's for BNior fans!*

Fall finally came, and Jinyoung was expecting in about 2 months. In normal circumstances, a 7th month pregnancy should have a pretty huge belly by now. However, Jinyoung’s was nowhere as big as normal. They were very worried when they realized that in his 5th month, his belly size had not changed much. But after they consulted the doctor, only then they were assured that the fetus was in a good condition besides being pre-matured. The doctor told them that the baby would be fine as a healthy baby would be when it was born after the 9th month. Since then, Jinyoung and his husband had been anxiously waiting until that day arrived, while having a happy daily life in their new house.

Today was like any other day. Jaebum was the one who would be cooking lunch today as it was his long-awaited day off. But when he was on his way out to the supermarket to buy the groceries, Jinyoung insisted on following him. With a puppy eyes and pouty lips, he gave a whining “I’m bored being left alone at home!” excuse, knowing that such an act would blow Jaebum’s reason in forcing him to stay at home away. His husband had always been weak with his pleading. Besides, he had been feeling guilty for leaving the pregnant Jinyoung alone when he was working. Jinyoung’s parents could only come and keep him company during holidays. So, Jinyoung was using Jaebum’s guilt in order to gain his favour. Leaving with no choice, Jaebum gave in, and now they were on their way to the nearby supermarket in his car.

“You know, your mood swing was bad enough before, but even worse now that you’re pregnant,” Jaebum complained while his eyes never leave the road ahead.

“Hush! You know what they say about a pregnant mom’s demand is absolute?” Jinyoung said.

“You just wanna be spoiled.”

Jinyoung gasped, pretended to be shocked. “There’s nothing wrong to be spoiled by my own husband, is there?”

“You’ve been spoiled enough. I even got morning sickness and lost of appetite for you,” Jaebum huffed, remembering how during the early months of Jinyoung’s pregnancy, he was the one who got nauseated instead of his wife. It really was like a living hell.

“Now that’s a fact. For a husband to take on the sickness for his wife during the pregnancy is a proof of how much he loves him and how deep their connection is. You love me that much, huh?” Jinyoung said, teasingly.

“Oh my,” Jaebum gasped. “Do you really have to ask when you already know?”

“Really, Bum-ah, since when have you become so bold?” Jinyoung said. He pinched Jaebum’s right cheek playfully causing his husband to squeak softly.

“Don’t do that! I’m driving here,” Jaebum whimpered as he tried to distance himself from his wife’s hand, though in the inside he was secretly enjoying this.

Jinyoung laughed happily but still continuing his assault on his beloved husband. Could not hold himself no more, Jaebum quickly grabbed Jinyoung’s hand to stop him and put it at his side.

“Stop or I will strangle you,” Jaebum said, in a hope that his wife will finally stop, but Jinyoung seemed to have a different idea.

“I want you to attack me,” Jinyoung whispered in a seductive voice that even the serious Jaebum could not resist the rising urge inside of him.

“Seriously if I’m not driving right now, I’d have attack you. You’re so dead when we reach home. Be prepared,” Jaebum warned, while in the inside of his head, he was chanting some words to control himself.

“Hm…should I prepare myself in the bath, is that what you mean?”

“Please have mercy for me, Jinyoung-ah!”

The expecting couple finally arrived at the supermarket after much difficulty of handling a certain seduction attack. Right after the engine stopped, Jinyoung quickly opened the door without waiting for his husband to open it for him even though Jaebum told him to wait. However, when his feet touched the road, a sudden wave of dizziness hit him and before he knew it, the darkness surrounded.

“Lung cancer?” the couple asked in sync. They were in a private hospital room, with Jinyoung was bedridden and his husband sitting beside him with their fingers entwined, both were listening carefully to the doctor who was assigned in treating Jinyoung. He was just admitted to the hospital two days ago for having difficulty in breathing and a sudden faint. Since he was pregnant, they were afraid something was not right with the pregnancy. But the news they received were very surprising.

“How come?” Jaebum asked. His voice was clearly shaking. “He was fine before this!”

“Some cases of lung cancer won’t show any symptoms. While in your wife’s case, the symptoms he had which include headaches, fatigue and mood changes are also the normal condition for pregnancy, which were difficult to diagnose as lung cancer without the lab tests,” Dr. Han explained.

“But, of course he’ll be fine. Right?” Jaebum asked again, while hoping for a good reply.

The doctor nodded. “The best option in treating a cancer is by using chemotherapy and radiotherapy. The treatments require a vey long period, but there’s still hope for him to be healthy again,” he said.

“But…but I’m pregnant,” Jinyoung said, emphasizing the last word. Anyone could tell his anxiety.

Dr. Han sighed. “That’s where the problem lies. It’s not a problem if you aren’t pregnant at the moment, we can start the treatment as soon as possible. However, as you may already suspect, these therapies will only cause harm to the fetus. If not abnormalities in its brain or body, eventually, death.”

“Can’t we save the baby first? Can’t we use a surgery to save him?” Jaebum pleaded.

“It’s still in its 7th month. But it can be saved if we use C-section,” Dr. Han gave an answer. But then he continued, “However, if we save the baby, there’s a high possibility that during the surgery, your wife’s blood pressure will increase rapidly and it’ll harm him due to the cancer, then it’ll cause severe blood lost. Even if we give him blood supply, it’ll be no use. Your wife, on the other hand, will die.”

Hearing the doctor’s words, it felt as if it was the end of the world for both of them. Never in their minds that it would come to this, when there was only a few months to go before their child would be born. All the excitement, the shopping for the baby and the new apartment, seemed only yesterday, and now they were all crashed. The worst case was the doctor basically giving them a choice for either saving the mother or the offspring. It was the hardest choice, but surprisingly, Jinyoung voiced out first.

“Doctor, are you certain that after the baby is born, he’ll certainly be saved?” Jinyoung asked. His voice sounded so soft and strangled, obviously he was trying hard to hold in his tears. But his question surprised Jaebum the most.

“Yes. Even though the fetus is pre-matured, its progression is normal. We have several equipments that could help stabilize the baby’s condition once it’s born. So I guarantee that it’ll all be alright,” the doctor explained, all the while both him and Jaebum could already guess what Jinyoung had in mind.

“Wait a sec, Jinyoung. You don’t mean that you wanna save the baby, instead of discussing it first?” Jaebum asked in bewilderment.

“Do we have to discuss this? It’s our baby, Im Jaebum. You think I should let the baby die for the sake of my own life?”

“I know it’s hard. But can’t you think of yourself more? Listen, the baby hasn’t been born yet. If you can be cured and live on, we can still conceive.”

“And  keep living in regret? Do you want to keep living knowing what we have done to our child? What should we say to the other children about their dead older sibling?”

“I understand but it doesn’t have to be this way. You don’t have to die.”

“You don’t understand a thing. I keep telling you I don’t want to live while my baby is dead!”

“You think I don’t want him to live? Like you, I want nothing more than having him safe.”

“Then why are you being so selfish?”

“I’m being selfish? You’re the one who decided it without discussing with me first!”

“Are you telling me it’s better to let him die? You expect me to live happily after he dies?”

“I’m telling you to stay!” Jaebum released an outburst. That was it, he could not take it anymore. Why did Jinyoung could not understand his feelings? “I don’t want to lose you too. You’re the only one I have.”

Jinyoung was shocked. His eyes were wide-opened due to the sudden outburst. A realization hit the back of his mind. It was hard for Jaebum too, having to choose between his two beloved people. Jinyoung did not mind to sacrifice his life for the sake of his child that he had for 7 months. But it was different for Jaebum.

“Please, Jinyoung-ah. Don’t leave me,” Jaebum pleaded. His eyes were shining and Jinyoung’s cheeks were already wet with tears. He knew, he understood his husband’s feelings very well. But he could not accept it. Slowly, he took Jaebum’s rough hand in his own and brushed it gently.

“I’m sorry,” he said, softly, but enough for Jaebum to hear it. Could not hold it no more, Jaebum snatched his hand away from Jinyoung’s hold and abruptly leaving the room, letting the sobbing Jinyoung alone.

Jaebum was wandering aimlessly along the corridor without realizing he had walked far away from the hospital room Jinyoung was in. When he reached at a certain place, he heard some loud noises of wailing babies. That was when he realized he was in front of the hospital nursery. He walked closer then touched the window separating the nursery from the corridor. There were some nurses attending to the crying babies, but most of the babies were sound asleep. Watching the small babies in the cribs, he could not help but feeling his paternity instinct rising from the bottom of his heart. Well, he was also a father-to-be. He loved Jinyoung too much that he could not bear to let him go. But it did not mean it was easier for him to not choose their baby instead. It just saddened him that Jinyoung would rather die and leave him. It made him feel lonely and dejected.

Suddenly, he heard a familiar voice calling his name and it was Dr. Han with a cup of warm coffee in each of his hand. The doctor pushed one cup into Jaebum’s hand and stood by his side, joining him in watching the nursery. For a moment, they were engulfed in silence, before Dr. Han broke it off.

“I knew well that it’s a really hard decision for the both of you,” he said. Dr. Han sipped his coffee a bit before continuing, “I have been here for almost 10 years and I had seen many cases that were similar to yours. Die in delivery were normal that it wasn’t surprising anymore. Most of the mothers couldn’t even hold their babies, they died before they could do so. Of course, the husbands could not accept it no more than you. But your situation was a bit different. You have a choice, while they didn’t.”

Hearing those last words, Jaebum quickly glanced at the doctor. “What are you trying to say?” he asked.

Dr. Han gulped down his coffee then he put his hand on Jaebum’s shoulder as if to give him some assurance. “I can’t say that you wife’s decision was the right choice,” he told him. “But you know what he wants. I’m sure you’ll know what’s the best for the both of you and the child. It’s all in your hand.”

Having told that, Jaebum did not give any respond even after the doctor left him. His head was really hurt trying to process all the things that happened and what would happen. He clenched his hands in a tight grip, as if to make the pain reside, but it failed. He looked at the nursery again, and suddenly reminded of some events in the past few months, of the period when he and Jinyoung were so happy making preparation in welcoming their baby. Remembering these bittersweet memories, he finally realized.

It was already pitch black outside but in the hospital room, the only source of light being switched on was the bedside lamp. While there were only a few hospital workers walking around doing their jobs, Jinyoung was alone sitting on his hospital bed in silence. In his hand was a small photo of his husband and him during their honeymoon. It was his most favourite photo because it had a beautiful night view on the background and Jaebum’s expression while looking at him was so loving and gentle. He really loved it that he wrote the words “Jaebum & Jinyoung forever” and kept it to himself all the time as a sort of good luck charm. However, right now, the word “forever” hurt him the most.

He was so focused in staring at the photo that he almost did not see Jaebum entering the room. He called out to his husband urgently, wanted to apologize, and tried to get out of the bed, but Jaebum beat him to it by quickly went to his side and sat on one side of the bed. Neither of them had said anything. They only looked at each other quietly. With the help of the pale light from the bedside lamp, Jinyoung could see the determine but soft look in his beloved’s eyes. At this point, he could understand Jaebum’s thought without him having to say a word by only looking at his eyes. He felt sad and apologetic, but at the same time he was relieved that Jaebum had finally decided.

“Bum-ah,” he said gently. He brought up his right hand to touch Jaebum’s cheek and smiled, but he did not say another word. Then, Jaebum moved closer to him and brought him in a tight hug. He felt his shoulder was hot and wet, and he knew his husband was crying, but he could not do anything other than hugging him back and coaxed him to sleep. That night, they fell asleep while holding each other through the night, waiting for the last day together to come.

During the funeral, many relatives and acquaintances came to pay their respect. Some close ones were crying together with Jinyoung’s parents and all of them gave some advice and encouragement to Jaebum. However, Jaebum had not shed any tear the whole time. Or rather, he could not. He was there at the funeral, but his mind was elsewhere. He did try to cry, to share the sadness with the parents who had just lost their one and only child, but no matter how hard he tried, he just could not. As if his eye glands had stopped functioning.

By the end of the day, he went back home exhausted. Since Youngjae had to stay in the hospital for more treatment, he was alone tonight. He entered the bedroom and on a corner of the room was a bag of Jinyoung’s stuffs during his stay in the hospital. He started to unpack the bag, all the while thinking of going back to the hospital the next day to see Youngjae and then he had to stop by the office to finish up some work. He was too engrossed in his own thought that he did not focus on what he was currently doing, causing some of the things he was holding to fall on the floor. Groaning, he crouched down and picked up those things when he saw a small photo peeking out from under some clothes. He took out the photo and realized it was from their honeymoon.

But the thing that surprised him the most was the words written at the bottom of the photo. He recognized the handwriting, it was Jinyoung’s. Upon seeing it, he was suddenly overpowered by a sudden pain. He stood up abruptly with the photo in hand and looked around the bedroom with eyes full of tears. He then walked out of the room and ran around the house, to the kitchen, the living room and everywhere, looking around like a mad man as if searching for something.

Yes, he was searching for Jinyoung.

He’s not here! He thought. He’s not here anymore! I can’t see him here anymore! He’s not here!

And when he was tired, heart and soul, he knelt down on the floor and screamed Jinyoung’s name. “Jinyoung-ah!” he cried out. “Park Jinyoung! Don’t leave me, please!”

He pleaded again and again. “Don’t leave me!”

This house was full of his memories with Jinyoung. But no matter how many times he called his name, he knew he would never see him again.

Mark startles strongly, as if he has been woken up by a huge force. He tries to focus his mind on the current situation, because he cannot differentiate the reality from the dream anymore. When he finally has regained his full consciousness, he realizes that he has been crying because his eyesight is blurred with tears and his cheeks feel hot and wet. He looks up to see Jinyoung who is still standing in front of him.

“What was that?” Mark asks him. All the while, he has been shivering wildly. His mind is confused and it feels like a whole lot of someone else’s brain is stuffed into his head.

“It’s a memory,” Jinyoung simply replies.

“What memory? You mean yours and your husband’s? Don’t be absurd! How could you let me see something so important?” Mark yells angrily. But he still cannot stop himself from shaking. His body feels so cold but he is sweating.

“It is important. So you will understand the hardships Jaebum had gone through,” Jinyoung says.

“Why?” Mark asks again. “I mean why me? Why do you have to tell ME all this?”

“You love him, right?” Jinyoung asks back, and his surprising question caught Mark off guard that he has stopped shaking. Though he does not answer straight away, so Jinyoung continues, “Jaebum was my first and last love. And I was his first, but I could never be his last. I can’t let it be.”

“What do you mean?” Mark asks, not sure where this is heading.

“He’s lonely. I know he is. And it’s all my fault. So I can’t let it end. Jaebum has to fall in love again. He must so he can live on with his last love. And it has to be you,” Jinyoung tells him.

“But…why me? Is it because I like him?”

Jinyoung shakes his head. “Because you and I have a connection.”

It was supposed to be “Im Jinyoung” that Jaebum called out but I realized since we’re used to his real name, I figured “Park Jinyoung” was more dramatic. And also Jaebum called out Jinyoung’s name when he first fell in love with him ;-)