For some reason, I was always the last choice for everything. If you would ask us to pair ourselves, they’d always go to her first. If you’d ask them who to rank ourselves based on closeness, they’d choose her first; because of this, I would often ask myself, “Do they think I prefer solitude than to be with them?”, “ Did I do anything wrong?” or “What is it that I lack?” or even “Is it because of my personality?”  

I would wonder to myself why her even if I became close to the others first?  

Those were the times I would curse myself for being who I am. I would cry myself to sleep wondering if I should just lie to myself and deceive everyone by pretending to be someone else. I would always think that way and think that I’ve already deceived everyone by pretending to be happy when I’m not; pretending that I’m okay but in truth, I am hurting physically, emotionally and even mentally.

Let me quote a post I found on the net,

I’m that friend that has to walk behind the group when the path isn’t big enough. I’m that friend that gets cut off in the conversation. I’m that friend that gets left behind when I asked for them to wait for me. I’m that friend that doesn’t get invited to hang out a lot. I’m that friend that if I want to go to the mall or some place with a friend, I have to be the one to invite people to make sure I get included. I’ll always be that friend.”

I could relate to most of what’s written there. I can relate to the pain but I could never tell them about this because I’m scared. I’m scared of being left behind. I don’t want to repeat the past.

Whenever I am alone, I would often think about this. I would cry silently, just to make sure, and would just crawl into a ball, allowing my tears to show to nobody. I made sure I never cried tears of sadness in front of anyone – no one should know about this. Whenever I’m them or anyone in particular, I put up a happy mien. I make sure I smile whenever I need to and laugh when I know I should laugh.

I am an actress; a liar – a liar to my own self and a liar to everyone around me.

“I feel like it’s been months into school already,” Eunji groaned inwardly.

It was just the second week of school but we had an immense number of projects and homework already despite our school having a “No Homework Policy”. Whenever we were given homework, we would protest and remind the teacher about the policy but then our teachers would give excuses saying, “It’s not homework. It’s a take-home activity,” then we would all mentally curse our teachers for making a hundred and one ty and excuses and choosing not to follow the policies. We were actually quite lucky that most of the projects were group projects but even so, they were still projects.

“I know right? I don’t even have time for those projects,” I groaned inwardly, mimicking what Eunji did.

I myself was already having difficulties in coping with the stress. I was in the brink of insanity. I would pull my hair harshly whenever I feel stressed, my temper was shortened and I would snap instantly at anyone who manages to talk to me at the wrong time and would sometimes spit profanities at them, and I would just fight back the tears forming in my eyes. I was the type of person who’d breakdown and cry whenever I reached my limitations.

I never did want to scream and snap at people; I would regret it most of the time. Tears also form whenever I snap at people due to stress but I wouldn’t ask for forgiveness most of the time; my pride prevents me from doing so. I know it’s not right to not ask for forgiveness but my huge pride was one of my biggest flaws. My pride is also one of the reasons why not everyone likes me but I don’t really mind.

“Where’s Jinri by the way?” Eunji asked as I woke up from my thoughts.

“They’re practicing for the dance performance in P.E.” I frowned.

Thinking about anything related to school just gave me more headaches and more stress so I immediately changed the topic with thankfully much understanding from Eunji. We talked about people we dislike in school which is a lot, to be frank. We always talk about people in school as a way for us to release stress.

“Oh did you hear that the guy with Ahjin the other day was actually her boyfriend who she said was currently a trainee too?” I looked towards Eunji.

It was one of the things I didn’t want to remember and think about. I know that it’s so cliché being so affected by the fact that he and Ahjin are in a relationship but I just don’t know. I was greatly affected and I didn’t know why. I’m not supposed to be bothered by it and yet here I am, dwelling on the fact that he’s with her and not me.

Maybe it was that type of crushes that you can’t help but think that he’s the one and fantasize every time that you and your “prince charming” would someday have a happy ending but then reality slaps you in the face only to make you realize that one, you guys don’t even know each other and two, he has a girlfriend.  

My brain could hardly keep up with my own thoughts so I decided to just not think about him and his girlfriend and the fact that they’re together and just move on like everyone does; but I can’t focus. My mind and my thoughts were already disoriented and I knew that my brain wasn’t the type to let go of this topic soon. I just groaned to myself and shut my eyes – wishing that it were my problems that I just shut off.

“Yes, I’ve heard of it.”

It was finally the end of class and it was finally time for me to go to the “headquarters” to practice with my teammates. I was tired and was incredibly hungry as I skipped meals due to diet restrictions and school projects; I’d always have to pull an all-nighter. I started to feel a bit lightheaded but I knew I could manage so I left the room and made my way out of the school.

“Hey! Yoonae! Where are you going?” I heard someone shout from afar. I turned to look and saw Jinri running towards me, looking as if she ran for years without rest.

I had forgotten that I was supposed to leave with Jinri. I apologized to her that I had forgotten about it and told her that I wasn’t myself today. I smiled apologetically. She said nothing else about the topic which I was thankful of.

School really was bombarding us with too much information that we could barely keep up with. We take seven classes everyday and we have around eight subjects all in all. We have two to three tests or quizzes almost every week then we have to deal with projects that are due for the next week then we take mid-grading exams and grading exams. Don’t get me wrong for I am not blaming