Another problem was your health.

As a trainee, you sacrificed your own health. You risked your own health to reach your dream. You were starved to have the “ideal body”, you barely slept, you were always stressed out, and you were pushed to your limits. People around you always scolded you and only pointed out your mistakes.

There were even times when the girls couldn’t talk to you because if they would, you would direct your pent-up frustrations against them. You didn’t want to scream at them for just trying to talk to you so most of the time you’d stay alone in a corner during practice – making sure the distance was visible; making sure that there was one big, thick wall in between. You didn’t want to burden the others just because you were stressed; the others had their own problems so you didn’t want to add your own stress to theirs. You said it was selfish and I think it still is.

What you loathed the most was them doing whatever it takes to make you be skinny. Your body wasn’t made to be skinny so why did they keep trying? It was in vain and you knew it, but you never complained in fear of being scolded once again. You always weighed around fifty kilograms and sometimes a bit more but they wanted you to be around forty-five kilograms. You were even thinking of having one of your ribs removed so they could shut-up but you didn’t, of course. Remember that time the doctor said you had an eating disorder?

Another problem was the side-effect of your most beloved dancing. Your body started to feel the effects of hours of practicing nonstop. The pain was hell; I could still remember the agony of just having to sit straight yet you had to push yourself to practice every day. You would cry every time the girls would try to massage your “injured” area. Ji-U unnie’s was the worst. Just the thought of it makes me shudder. You even had to consult a professional. They even said that school was also one of the reasons. School is simply bad for your health. Don’t get me wrong, but school really is bad for your health but good for your mind, I guess.

School just added to my stress. It was the worse but you had to endure it. Education was very important for you that time; you needed a backup if ever you had zero chance to ever debut. You had a lot of projects, theses, quizzes, home works, etc. You barely got some sleep because of school. You’d even review during breaks whenever you’re practicing but you never took a break during rap lessons.

Rapping was probably the number one thing you’re pressured to do. They would always tell you that you’d be better off as a dancer and not a idol if you couldn’t rap because your voice isn’t for singing. You’d train hard every single time but you only had little improvement. You knew something was holding you back from improving but you didn’t know what.

I have a growing affection for hip-hop. Maybe it’s because I keep watching hip-hop performances during my spare time. I used to hate it because I grew up listening to classical music and old songs so I considered it as noise, but now I like it. Maybe it’s also because I’m doing my best to learn how to rap or maybe because it’s just interesting and cool for me.

I adore 2NE1’s CL so much. She just has this overflowing charisma and confidence whenever she performs. Someday, I’ll be able to rap like her but of course, there won’t be another CL. Ji-U unnie is one of the best. She knows how to make witty lyrics and has a great rhythm. Her voice is also the best when she raps.

Another rapper that I absolutely adore is Brown Eyed Girls’ Miryo. I’ve watched her do freestyle rap and it was amazing. She also has an overflowing charisma and confidence but it’s different from CL. She has an amazing voice that I dreamed to have.  

“So should we do like vocal line and rap line do things separately instead of everyone doing Problem?” Minyoung unnie asked as we planned our performance for the upcoming evaluation. It was a few weeks away but we felt as if we were out of time. We were definitely pressured. We also had to re-plan everything since we decided it was unfair for us rap line to do a song focused on singing.

“Yeah, sure. Yoonae and I will just think of another song to perform,” Ji-U unnie said nonchalantly. This unnie really has swag. Whenever she talks, she has this charismatic aura that would make anyone shut up and be amazed at how cool she is.  

I remembered how I met Ji-U unnie. We both met during their first day of trainee life in the one and only JYP Entertainment, leader in entertainment. We were all in one room together, each and every one of us forced to introduce ourselves. When it was my turn, I said my name, age, years of training and the fact that I loved reading, dancing, acting, and drawing then immediately sat down. Few moments later, the person behind me passed me a small paper, my name written on it just after the “To:” It said:

Hi, I’m Park Jiwoo!

You said you like reading. I like reading too so can we be friends?
I’m new by the way so please take care of me~
Can you also write your number here ________
 

Thank you!

Soon after that, we talked to each other when the “gathering” was done and found out that we both had similar likes – we both like Japanese animation (anime), books, and we both like talking in English. I found out then that she rapped during her audition and was immediately approved by the judges, if that’s what you call them. We then contacted each other as soon as we got home that day only to find out that we would be in the same group the next day.

Both Ji-U unnie and I went to a different practice room, which wasn’t easy. We even had to bribe Ms. Han, the worker who’s in charge of the rooms and even had to resolve to aegyo, much to the dismay of Ji-U unnie who is good at anything but aegyo. I nearly bursted my head off trying to stifle the laughter that threatened to come out when she did aegyo. It was that cringe-worthy.

We had around two hours allotted for us to use the practice room so we had to brainstorm fast. We ran to the practice room which was at the end of the hallway. We immediately placed our things down and sat. I tried to catch my breath for a while because that was one long hallway. We then started planning.

“Should we get a mainstream song and mix it up with hip-hop or