Hoseok came home late that night. Mr. Grumpy Gills (Yoongi, Suga Cube, Suga Daddy, etc.) was already "asleep," or so they thought. In reality, he just didn't want anyone to disturb him as he binge-watched Orange Is The New Black on Netflix. Everyone thought he was watching ... They weren't completely wrong.

"HEY! NAMJOON HYUNG!" The screamed. "WHAT'S A ?!"

"SHUT THE UP, CHILD." Namjoon let out an exasperated sigh. "DON'T DISTURB ME WHEN I'M BUSTIN' RHYMES... Yo, uh, check it. Rap Monstah featurin' Skrillex. Yeah, uh, d-d-d-drop that bass now! WUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWUB."

"Ugh, I can't sleep!" Taehyung whined. "Keep it down!"

"Dude, uh uh." Namjoon waggled his finger sassily. "First off, you were the one who camera-ed my nostrils on national television. Second of all, based on the noises coming from your room, you are not trying to sleep."

"Dammit, Seokjin, I told you to keep it down–"

"This wouldn't have been an issue if you let me–"

"WILL YOU TWO STOP YOUR BICKERING?!" Hoseok bellowed. "I JUST GOT HOME, AND MY HEART IS FLUTTERING, BUT YOU DIPS ARE KILLING MY VIBE!"

Jimin smirked. "Hey, hyung, guess you could say that you're..." 

Seokjin cried from Taehyung's room, "Please, no. I will scream."

"...A Boy In Luv." He raised an eyebrow, wiggling it like Nicki Minaj's in Anaconda.

And Seokjin screamed the highest, most piercing scream ever heard in world history. Even Yoongi stopped pretending to sleep and closed his laptop, peeking out the crack between the door and the wall. Hoseok, being a horse, was spooked easily by Seokjin's descent into madness. Calming him was no easy matter. Taehyung groaned, the bed comforter wrapped around his waist like a towel, as he shuffled toward the panicked young stallion. Carefully, he approached Hoseok until he was close enough to hold him by the neck. Gently and slowly, Taehyung Hoseok's neck, running his fingers in a circular motion.

"Shh..." He whispered in his y, raspy voice. "Easy boy. It'll be alright."

Eventually, Hoseok's breath began to slow in pace until he relaxed. But then, he found another reason to freak out. He had just admitted to everyone that he was in love, when their contract clearly forbade dating. Hesitantly, his eyes traveled upward to Namjoon, whose arms were crossed in disapproval.

"Uh, Hoseok." He spoke rhythmically. "You truly live up to your name, yeah. Ho 'cuz you're a hoe and Seok 'cuz you mad d. What the hell happened to friendship, to brotherhood? We're Bangtan, we're bulletproof, and yet, you're being penetrated by a ing shark . I say nay to that, bro. Haha, nay. Neigh. Get it? As your hyung, I'm shocked. As your leader, I'm done with your shenanigans. Even SM wouldn't find a way to cover up this soon-to-be scandal. Uh, yeah."

"That didn't even rhyme." Hoseok retorted, starting a rap battle. "There was no flow at all, man. No wonder you're called Rap Monster–your raps are horrendous! They're the things in kids' closets, hiding under their beds. They're the nightmares that live inside a crack junkie's head. Say crack again, mate, and I'll do it. I'll break you in a bowl like an egg, and then add a cup of flour, and a pinch of salt, and some softened butter, and LOADS OF SUGAR. MIX REALLY WELL ON HIGH WITH A MIXER. SPOON IT OUT INTO BALLS ONTO A BAKING SHEET WITH WAX PAPER OR GREASE. BAKE ON 375°F FOR TWELVE MINUTES."

"Babe, you just recited my mom's cookie recipe." Namjoon's voice was flat, an indication that he was absolutely done. "Screw this. I'm tired."

"Wait, hyung!" Jungkook desperately chased after the exhausted leader. "Why can't two guys have a baby? Don't we all have s?"

"WATCH YOUR ING MOUTH, MAKNAE." Jimin gasped in horror, his hand clutching his heart in figurative pain.

"Same goes for you, Maknae Numero Dos." Seokjin smacked him upside the head. He leaned really close to Jimin's ear, a dark expression on his usually angelic face. "If you don't clean up your act, I'll make kimchi so spicy that liquid will be pouring out of your for weeks."

And so Jimin never spoke again, unless he was on broadcast. 

The next day, Bangtan had a scheduled appearance on Sukira, which was usually hosted by someone from the revered Super Junior. Today, Siwon volunteered to host, since the other members were busy with other affairs. Siwon's jaw dropped when Hoseok entered the room. Finally, he could see Hoseok's majesty up close. Hoseok was the finest stain of ebony that there was ever to be on a horse. He had to be at least ten hands tall, which would make him a Shetland pony. He was perfectly built, with cute little legs and an that just wouldn't quit. Siwon nearly his lips, savoring the view.

Unfortunately, he had to return to reality. He adjusted his headset before briefly clearing his throat and taking a sip of water to demonstrate just how thirsty he was. Then, he smiled, greeting each of the Bangtan members warmly.

When he finally reached Hoseok, he added a sultry undertone to his voice. "Ah, J-Hope. It's a pleasure."

Hoseok, being the friendly guy that he was, shot Siwon a wide grin, showcasing his teeth that were worthy of featuring in a Crest advertisement. Siwon's heart skipped a beat, but he knew that he had to focus on the radio show.

"So, J-Hope," He asked. "If you could go on a date with anyone in this room, who would it be?"

Hoseok pressed a hoof to his lips. "Hmm... I'd have to say... Maybe Suga?"

Siwon's heart began to crumble, but he feigned a brave face. "Why is he your choice?"

"Suga. Suga cubes. Sugar cubes are a favorite." He gazed up at the ceiling in thought. "Actually, maybe I'll date everyone. Since I'm a horse, everyone wants to ride me."

Oh, love, you couldn't be more right. Siwon thought.

"Technically, you're a pony..." Taehyung corrected. 

"Technically, you're a killjoy." Hoseok shot back. If looks could kill, Taehyung would have been dead.

"O-okay!" Siwon clapped his hooves together, quickly dissipating the awkward tension. "Moving on!"

On the ride to BigHit's headquarters, Hoseok was giggling like a schoolgirl the entire time. Yoongi, of course, was asleep. Jungkook was furiously perusing Urban Dictionary, and he finally understood the meaning of the term "boy." Namjoon was engulfed in Philosoraptor memes, which made him rethink the workings his life. Taehyung, Jimin, and Seokjin were having a heated three-way makeout session in the back.

From: Leftie <3

Mon amour, my love. How has your day been?

From: Hobi

Busy, but I'm glad that I found time to talk to you. :)

From: Sharknado

It's so hard to be apart from you. It's like Romeo and Juliet or something.

From: Whorse

I know, I know. But we have to keep pushing through. That's what love is.

From: Rin Matsuoka

That was... beautiful! TT_TT I'm so glad I met you. I love you so much.

From: Save Me Obi-Wan Kenobi, You're My Only HOPE

I love you too. <3

Hey, I hate to break it to you, but I gotta go now. Chu~

Right before the boys got out of the van, Namjoon slowly turned his head to face Jungkook. His eyes were drained of all life and hope. His lips were parted slightly, as if he were about to speak. He stared at the maknae for a long time, making Jungkook sweat more than he did onstage. Yoongi woke up with a snort and leaned out of his seat eagerly. Namjoon was going to bust a line so revolutionary that America's Founding Fathers would regret not putting it in the Declaration of Independence.

"Jungkook."

"Yes?"

Bluntly, he answered, " is.."

Jungkook began to cry.