Taeyeon's POV

Time felt slower when we do nothing but wait. That particular night after I bid farewell to her was one of the longest night I ever felt in my life. I stood in silence, layed flat at my back on a comfortable bed made of the finest cotton and yet I felt like I was laying on top of a very solid rock. It was three o'clock in the morning, no sounds could be heard outside of the vicinity. The sounds that could be heard were only an occasional boisterous sound of Auckland's winter wind and the sound of cars passing by speedily on the road and yet all I could discerned was the sound of my watch, ticking painfully slow, almost as if my watch was teasing me for waiting in agony. 

I sighed deeply, inhaled the scent of fresh-cleaned bedsheet and the floral aroma of the room fragrance to cleared out my agitated mind. I tried to shut my eyes off but the image of Jessica would take shape without further ado. Even when my eyes were shut tightly and the only image that supposed to appear was the darkness but there she was, precisely in the nucleus part of my mind, smiling her winsome smile which melt her icy facade in an instant. When the image of her started to appear, I began to play our moments over and over. It started off with an unpleasant accident when I spilled her coffee into her expensive coat and then I would remember her deadly glare at me, her thin, delicate lips forming a straight line showing an acute infuriation. And then the scene in my mind moved to where we sat in front of each other in the cramped Starbucks at Incheon Airport. I thought of her question about my preference, my nervousness of being asked by a beautiful stranger about one of the most personal thing that wouldn't be talked about with stranger you just met. But even then, it can't be helped that she drawn me in. It seemed like she possesed a strange, magnetic force and I couldn't let her slipped away just like that. The moment she opened and her thin, soft voice came out of those beautifully formed lips, I felt like a grounded shore at the beach who repeatedly wait for the waves to come and sweep me over, she's the waves and all the ocean was her as well. I couldn't let the ocean to left me stranded, I know I couldn't let her slip away. 

Was it love at the first sight ? I opened my eyes slowly and shook off my head. It couldn't be. There are so much thing I didn't know about myself but I was one hundred percent sure that love at the first sight was not my thing. It wasn't love but a certain whims of desirability which I never felt before. The more she talked and opened up, the more I felt stimulated and mesmerized. The way she gazed straightly at my eyes and listened intently wavered my heart. What was it that I'm feeling ? I couldn't find the words and it was strange of me to suffered a lost of words when describing my own feeling. The effect of her on me was so enormous that even all the words I know could never comprehend my feeling towards her. And I knew a lot of words, I knew damn well about words and adjectives that could describe my feeling. 

Without even noticing, it was already six o'clock. I could tell by the glimmered rays of sun that peeked through the curtains of my hotel room. I've been so lost in thoughts that I fail to notice the dawn already came. I finally stood up from the bed, paused for a moment to streched my aching back and grabbed the towel before entering the bathroom. I turned the water on the bathtub and let the lukewarm water filled the bathtub. I need a good, warm, bath, I thought. As the water filled up, I dipped my hand to check if the temperature of the water was right and then I took off all my clothes and slowly submerged myself in the warm water. I layed my at the cold marble of the bathtub and closed my eyes. The image of Tiffany appeared as I closed my eyes, her crescent-shaped eyes when she smiled, her long well-crafted nose, her well-rounded lips and her thick, unruly eyebrows. I tried to recall the feeling I had with Tiffany back then, the effect she had on me, was it like this ? But it came vividly clear that her effect wasn't anything near this. It was the same enormous feeling but with Tiffany, my heart would pound so loudly I felt like the whole world could hear and turn my head to me whenever I was with her because of the loud noises that came out from my beating heart. With Tiffany, it was a tenacious, violent, heartwrenching feeling but Jessica...Jessica had the opposite effect, it was calm, soothing, and oddly peaceful. If they're both become rain and I'm the ground which absorbed their every being, Tiffany would be a ferocious, powerful storm during Summer but Jessica would be a quiet, placid, comforting drizzle in a serene Autumn night. I tried to find another differences and the most obvious differences would be the fact that Tiffany was someone I know long enough for to me for develop a romantic feeling but Jessica was a stranger, whom I just met and yet it felt like my soul pat me gently when I heard her voice for the first time. It was almost as if my soul tried to tell me 'there you go, someone who would flip your whole world'. And she did, Jessica did flip my whole world and I was beyond baffled with the inexplicable circumstances. 

- - -

I arrived in her hotel at 7:30, I reached out to the lobby and told them to contact Jessica's room, informing her that she has a visitor. The receptionist with a bright smile, too bright for an early morning, warmly assisted me. She asked me whether I would like to wait for Jessica's answer but I shook my head, I asked her to just inform Jessica that I would be waiting in the restaurant area. I thanked the receptionist and out of habit bow to her, I noticed that I was doing the wrong custom when she looked at me seemingly amuse with my gesture of bowing. 

In the restaurant, I ordered a black coffee with no sugar and cream. I reached my backpack and pull out a book I just bought at the Incheon Airport earlier, it was The Big Sur, a classic by Jack Kerouac, one of my favorite writer. I immersed myself in the book, once in a while I would take a sip at my coffee and gazed off to the road, watching passerby. When I ran out of coffee, I started to check my watch and it showed me that it was already 9:00. No sign of Jessica yet. The smell of freshly cooked scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, and coffee started to fill my nose and only then did I realize I was hungry and has been waiting for almost two hours. I contemplated on whether or not should I call her on the phone. I helped her bought a local sim card provider yesterday and she already installed it in her phone. She was the one who gave me her phone number. I thought to myself was she waiting for me to call her up on her phone ? But I shook off my head, I didn't want to call a girl just after four days spending time, it was impolite and I'm a firm, principled person when it come to things like this that most people think ridiculous. Mentally I could hear Yuri's voice telling me that I was too foolish and cowardish and that it's okay to call her. I massaged my forehead, I felt the effect of not having any sleep started to affect me.

"Good morning, Taengoo."

A voice so familiar greeted me and I looked up to find Jessica was standing in front of me, her bangs swept to the side and her golden-blonde hair shone radiantly like it was a gold buried deep within a dark cave.  I was lost for words and I just smiled at her, stood up and waited for her to take her seat.

She looked at me like a docter examining if there're something wrong with her patients. I furrowed my brows and smiled lightly because I thought she looked funny with a questioning look on her face.

"You didn't sleep at all last night, do you ?"

I was about to take a sip of my coffee but I realized I've drank it all up earlier.

"How do you know ?"

"You look really tired, Tae."

I smiled at her but she didn't smile back, rather she looked kind of upset so I stopped smiling and called for the waitress to ask for another cup of coffee.

The waitress was taking my order when Jessica interrupted.

"Please bring a glass of orange juice and cancel the coffee."

I was about to protest but she shot me a deadly glare and I decided to stay quiet. The waitress looked at us as if she's in the middle of watching a really intense drama, upon seeing the deadly glare Jessica gave me, the waitress didn't ask me anymore and nodded to Jessica. 

"Are you trying to kill yourself ?" Jessica said to me, still with a deadly glare and the tone of irritation was clearly visible in her voice.

I chuckled but her icy expression sent shiver down to my spines and I subdued my chuckle into a fake cough.

"You didn't sleep and now you're about to have two glass of black coffee for breakfast," she continued to speak.

"I live like that every day back in Seoul and look at me. I'm fine." 

"How are you going to love someone else if you can't even love yourself ?"

I was taken aback with her question and I pondered about it. I didn't say anything for a moment and so did she, we stayed in silence until the earlier waitress came to bring me my glass of orange juice. Jessica's expression nonchalant, she gestured me to drink my orange juices and I did. I didn't like being told what to do but I mindfully did what she told me to do. Why ? I didn't know either, all I could think of at that moment was to paint a little smile on her face and if that means giving up my treasured coffee for a lame choice of drink such as orange juice, so be it. 

"Do you think a person who don't love themsemvels are uncapable of loving someone else ?" I blurted out a question to her. 

She gazed at me as if the answer lied within my eyes and then she spoke so quietly, almost if murmuring,"I think if you truly love a person, you will constantly try to be the best version of yourself so you could be worthy of their love. And to be the best version of yourself, you have to love yourself. Right ?"

With her answer, I somehow felt like I was swallowing a lump of thorns, my throat felt dry and I quickly grabbed the orange juice and gulped it down in one instant.

"So a damaged person are not worthy of anyone's love then ?" I asked her again and I found her looking at me, waiting, as if she knew I wasn't finish with my sentence,"maybe that's why I never dated."

Jessica smiled at me but it felt like she was just smiling to uncertain direction, she rested her hand in her chins and then said,"Of course you are worthy of love, Taengoo," she paused and tapped her fingers on the table, seemingly trying to find words to complement her answer,"Besides I don't think you're damaged. To feel intensely is not a symptoms of weakness, it's a trait of the truly alive and compassionate person. But then if you were hurt, you would felt like your whole world crumbled apart and then you would fall into destructive routine thus you're become a damage to yourself. But not to others, never to others."

I nodded slowly, repeatedly, when she spoke. I was surprised on how insightful she was although she might look like a cold person with no interest in deep conversation. And yet she always proved herself to be an excellent conversationalist and an intent listener. 

"Jessica," I called out her name and she looked at me, her straight, beautiful eyebrows elevated turning her face into a questioning look. I'd like to ask her something but the smell of lilac, white musk, and lemon leafs permeating through her body made me lost for words. Her smell was intoxicating, I felt like I was sitting comfortably in an old armchair with a luxurious leather in front of a fireplace during a cold, winter night. It was a warm smell and feeling amidst the coldness of its' surrounding. Not a moment later, I felt a warm touch upon my hand and she was holding my hand, her face still filled with questions.

"What is it Taeyeon ? Are you okay ?"

I froze but then I slowly regained my courage and finally I asked her the questions that been lingered in my head.

"Would you like to travel New Zealand with me ? I want to show you this beautiful country that completely smitten me ever since I was a kid."

After I asked the question I felt like the world started to fell into slow motion and then it stopped, I was the only one breathing, she was there with an unfathomable expression and the waitress and waiters around me stop with a tray in their hand, the air was utterly silent and there were absolutely no sounds but the heavy breathing of my breath and the weird, inexplicable, beating of my heart. But then the world started to fall into a normal motion again and I found her smiling at me, her white teeth was showing and I thought it was the first time I saw her smiling with her teeth showing, she looked different but still gorgeous nonetheless. 

"I thought you'd never ask."

"So you would like to travel New Zealand with me ? It will take us almost two months though. I perfectly understant this is a strange question to be asked by a stranger and I know you have a boyfriend or soon-to-be fiance waiting for you to answer him back in Korea, I know you have your works and life that I know nothing of back in Korea and.."

My sentences was cut when she held my hand tighter.

"Yes, Taeyeon. I would like to travel New Zealand with you. No questions asked, no overthinking. I said yes," she smiled at me reassuringly but she seemed to notice my uneasyness and then she said again,"I enjoy these four days and I think we make a good travelling partner, don't you think so ?"

I nodded and was about to ask another questions on what she's going to say to her boyfriend and her boss back in Korea but she continued to held my hand without breaking eye contact with me and soon all my questions vanished, soaring through the coffee-smelled air of the vicinity. 

"At this rate, I don't think we're a stranger anymore," Jessica finally retraced her hand back.

"So, friend?" I asked her, a word 'friend' seemed strange but it was the closest thing I could come up with.

Jessica looked at me again, everytime she looked at me I felt like stomach churned but then a second followed after that would be very peaceful. It was weird.

"Maybe."

"Maybe?"

"Do you honestly look at me as a friend ?"

I paused, I didn't of course, she wasn't like Tiffany or Yuri.

"I don't know, Sica."

"What don't you know?" 

"Nevermind."

We paused for a long time, none of us continue the talk. I was honest when she asked whether I really look her as a friend. I certainly didn't look at her as a friend. I was genuinely interested in her, as something more. But I know it was a foolhardy idea to make a move on someone who already has someone else. For an instance, I couldn't help but to hate the world for being so unfair, why did I have to meet her know ? Why not two years earlier when I might still have the chance to freely express my interest in her. But then I pondered, what about her ? When she said we're not a stranger to each other anymore, what did she mean, did she means that we're friend or was she also think that friend was not a suitable word to label whatever it was going on between us. 

I raised my voice to talk,"Jessica, can I ask you something ?"

She nodded, I could see her eyes glimmered, flickering a subtle interest like a little kid whose interested in other kid's fancy toys.

"Do you think I'm your friend ?"

She paused, looked at me, with the same look I've seen numerous time, the look of someone who was trying to find an answer in someone else's eyes. I diverted my gaze, I didn't want her to find the answer within my eyes, I want her to find it herself, I want it to come from deep within herself. What did she thinks of me ? When she looked at me what was it that she see ?

"I don't know either."

"Why though? Why can't we be friend?"

"I'm not saying we can't be friend, Taeyeon, it's just.." her words lingered, she paused but she didn't continue the sentences and I was left hanging with my question unanswered. But I can't push her since I didn't give her an answer either. 

"Say, how about we talk about our travel plan instead ?" She finally spoke again, I got the hint she was trying to divert the subject and brushed off the lingering awkwardness in the air around us. I finally gave up on our unanswered topic though my head kept pounding, forcing me to reeled out the answer out of her. 

"Do you know a camper van?"

"Is it the same like RV?"

I nodded,"Yes. That's how they call it in the US."

"Are we going to travel the country in RV?!" She exclaimed, now I got her excited and I could finally calm down a little bit after a tense conversation earlier. 

"Yep. Sounds exciting right?" I looked at her and found her staring intently at me with excitement, waiting for me to continue about our travel plan,"New Zealand is divided into two islands. The North Island and South Island. Where we are now is the North Island, but you've seen nothing yet. I personally think Auckland is a boring city because it lacks the charisma compared to any other prominent cities in New Zealand. Anyway, I'm going to ask Yuri and Yoona to join us for the North Island trip. Yuri is a good driver and I've heard both Yuri and Yoona travelled to a few part of North Island for camping so they must've know a good camping spot. So what do you think ?"

"That sounds like a good plan. Are we not going to travel the south part of the island?"

I paused, I thought of asking her to accompany me to my mother graveyard, but would she have the time to do it? 

"Taeyeon," her voice brought me back and broke my  contemplation.

"Ne," I answered.

"I'm sorry to ask this, but you mentioned earlier that your mother was buried here in New Zealand. Are you not going to visit her?" she asked me and her tone of voice was filled with sadness. I was about to chocked when she mentioned about my mother but I put on my usual strong, nonchalant facade, the one I customarily wear everytime people would ask me whether I miss my mother or not. Such a stupid question to be honest, of course I miss her. She's the source of vital core of my life, the one who got me going to climb the mountain of challenges. 

"She's in the South Island, Queenstown. She was buried there," I said to her, not answering her question.

"I want to go with you then."

I stared at her in surprise, I was lost for words and when I was about to raise an argument by saying she wouldn't have the time, I found her smiling at me almost as if she knew what I was about to say.

"No argument. I'm going with you. I want you to show me the country you're fall in love with. Who knows I might fall in love as well."

Her last statement sounded odd to me, it felt like when she said she could fall in love, it wasn't about the country, it was about..a person. An hour later I found myself sitting at my rented apartment with Jessica sitting besides me, I was gazing intently at my laptop, trying to book a camper van and hotels for our North Island tour. I discussed a thing or two with her about the accomodatons but turned out she wasn't a fussy type when it came to travelling. I always thought she would be a fussy, princess-like, type who wants the best accomodation and whose not interested in looking at natural beauties such as lakes, mountains, etc.  We argued about the payment but she finally gave up on my stubborness to pay every expenses while we're travelling in New Zealand. My mind found an idea to keep in contact with her by asking her to treat me back in Seoul instead, in exchange of all the expenses I paid while we're traveling in New Zealand. She smiled and murmured something that sounds like "how smooth" and agreed to the arrangement. I phoned Yuri and told her about my arrangement and she was shouting  like a madman I almost threw my phone to the ground because I thought my eardrums would broke due to her voice. 

"Sometimes I wonder why she's my best friend," I told Jessica who was sitting comfortably in the sofa. Her face looked like she's somewhere between half asleep or bored but she for certain she was zoning out. was half open and her eyes almost closed. I thought she looked incredibly cute. She paused for a moment but then she laughed out loud, I laughed because of her slow reaction and then she gestured me to sit next to her in the sofa. I fake a cough to avoid nuzzling my forehead because she already knew by now that I would nuzzle my forehead everytime I'm nervous.

"Yuri said yes?" she asked me after I positioned myself beside her in the sofa. She was putting both her legs up in the sofa and one of her arm was situated in the back of the sofa casually while the other arm was playing with her own hair, fondling it. 

"Yes. She'll drive us to a few scenic outlooks near Auckland but then we would have to take plane to Wellington because it's quite far."

"Is Yoona coming?" she asked me again. She changed her position and slowly scooted closer to me, her whole body faced my direction. I felt like I'm about to pass out if she moved any closer. 

"Her last exam is this week so yes, she'll come with us," I answered her.

She giggled, her giggle was very unique. When she speaks her voice would be very soft almost like whispering but when she laughs or giggles, her voice would change to a very high-pitched voice. 

"You seems to like both of them," I said to her, trying to spark a conversation.

"They're fun to be around. Yuri has always been the life of the party, does she?"

I chuckled and nodded at her question. Yuri indeed does and here I was, her best pal who can't even stand a room more than 10 people and yet invested a great deal of money in a bar. Yuri liked to trick me to go to party by pushing my conscience and lured me into guilt-stricken feeling.

'You're the owner of this bar as well and you need to immerse yourself in the environment of your business, buddy!'

"I can't wait to travel with them," I said, smiling heartily because I was really excited.

I turned my head to Jessica and notice she was pouting and I laughed at her face asking why she was pouting.

She seemingly dragged her voice when she spoke to me and I found it endearing, like she was asking for my attention,"You're not excited to travel with me? I thought you ask me because you're looking forward to spend more time with me."

I stood from my position and with all the courage I could gather and muster, I walked towards her and positioned myself in front of her who was still sitting in the sofa. She looked at me puzzled, then swiftly I bowed my body to level my position with her and cupped both my hand in her face, moving my face closer to her and I could felt the warmness of her face penetrated into my cold hand. I looked at her and immediately smile, the happiest smile I let out for these past few months,"Of course I look forward to spend more time with you, Sica."