Jaejoong sketched aimlessly in the final page of his sketchbook, occasionally stopping as he glanced at the field before him from the hood of his car.

He stopped once again when the wind picked up and moved the page. He tucked away the hair that covered his eyes and laid the book in his lap. His thoughts circled aimlessly in his mind with no direct purpose when the figure beside him shifted slightly.

He glanced from the corner of his eye at Yunho who slept soundly against the windshield.

Jaejoong smiled as he gazed at his expression and at the object that trailed around his neck.

He was glad to have another reason to stay.

He remembered his patience; he'd easily stay by Yunho's side if he ever dared to ask. Even without such words, Jaejoong would stay within reach but he wanted another reason, another motive to secure their relationship together. In the past, he worried if he would ever attain that specific reason.
 

Their platonic friendship remained as it was, but he had attained more now: living with him as roommates, spending close to everyday together, receiving his utmost trust and care. This was more than he could have ever hoped for.

Hope, the feeling that grew stronger the more time they spent together.

The dormant monster was somehow holding him back, afraid for things to change as it embraced their current circumstances, unwilling for him to possibly ruin their close friendship. Despite everything, he wanted to be selfish, to want more than even the being within him wanted.

He recalled Yoochun's words from a brief phone call; that if they didn't stop this cycle, it would only stay as constant as it was now. It would be going nowhere unless he disclosed his feelings, but it was much easier said than done. Half of him believed it was best to leave Yunho oblivious to his feelings, but the other half yearned to help him realize the full extent of them.

He had to.

-

Jaejoong narrowed his eyes at the scarf hanging loosely around Yunho's neck, despising the very object despite how long it’s already been. The relationship hadn't gone anywhere since, but it still held such a former significance.

"Doesn't the scarf give you bad memories?" Jaejoong asked casually.

Yunho blinked as he stared at the tail of it. "Its still good, no sense in throwing it away."

Jaejoong sighed. Yunho's attitude of being resourceful stayed with him over the years despite the fact he was no longer struggling over his finances. Jaejoong otherwise ignored it and grabbed the keys. "Let’s go."

It was difficult to walk through the bustling crowd that came in between them often; he watched as Yunho tried desperately not to lose sight of him.

Jaejoong reached for his hand and pulled him alongside of him.

He wasn't sure when he started to take the initiative, but only under the guise of a friendly gesture did he continue to do so without Yunho once questioning his motives. Jaejoong was grateful to the crowded city that had given him more excuses to hold his hand.

Yunho pulled him in another direction towards an alley that provided solace from the crowd. Once they both stepped away, Jaejoong looked at their still intertwined hands and pulled away reluctantly.

“Do you want to go to the bookstore?” Yunho asked.

Jaejoong wanted to say yes, but he had another motive for coming.

"Actually, I need to buy something.”

He turned down Yunho’s offer to accompany him and despite the other mans somewhat hurt expression, they went their separate ways for the time being.

-

He still debated over his purchase as he walked to his car, about to dial Yunho's number when he noted Yunho leaning patiently against it. Yunho smiled at his arrival and held up a plastic bag of his own.

They drove to a secluded lot that overlooked the bay, sitting on the hood of his car as they ate from the dessert Yunho had bought. Jaejoong noticed Yunho glancing at his bag; his curiosity always got the best of him and he knew it'd be soon when he wouldn't be able to resist from asking.

Yunho was unable to hold back his question. “What did you buy?”

“A present.” Jaejoong replied. Yunho seemed unsatisfied with his vague response. Jaejoong finished another bite as he lifted the bag and handed it towards him, deciding the direct way was best. Yunho pulled the object out of the bag and laid it in his hands.

It was a plain, black scarf. It seemed too dark compared to Yunho's usual attire and held no special significance in its pattern compared to the one given to him by that girl. But Yunho didn’t seem to mind that, instead a smile formed on his lips as he held it appreciatively.

"But its not my birthday..." Yunho said. "Or even a holiday."

Jaejoong shifted slightly as he reached for the gift and took it out of his hands. "I'll return it then."

Yunho gave a horrified look and grabbed it back. "No," He held it to his chest. "I'll wear it."

Jaejoong blinked before chuckling softly. He hoped Yunho wouldn’t realize his underhanded motives for giving such a gift, that now he wouldn’t see the old scarf as often, an immature ploy overall but he felt it succeeded for the most part.

His lengthening hair covered his eyes briefly from the slight breeze; he reached to move it aside but watched instead as Yunho brushed it off for him and offered a smile in return. 

“I..."

Yunho took another bite from his dessert and watched as Jaejoong parted his lips.

His eyes shifted away uncomfortably, unsure of how to go about his confession, the constant scenarios he played out in his head had suddenly vanished.

"I-" The air hitched in this throat. He was hesitant to say such a word to describe it, how could four letters possibly contain every feeling he's experienced since they've met? It couldn't possibly. A word that was simple but had been soiled by his conflicting emotions, tainted by either obsession, jealously and possession.

He didn't deserve to say it, he couldn't.

Even the monster was ashamed of itself and could offer him no solace or motivation; Jaejoong was left to build his own courage to form the words.

"How would describe your feelings towards her?" Jaejoong murmured, referring to the person whose name even now he wasn't able to say.

Yunho blinked as he looked at the empty lot around them, pondering over his words when he shook his head in defeat. "I couldn't... It's indescribable."

Jaejoong gave a weak smile. The irony, even he couldn't give him the proper words he needed.

He met Yunho’s expectant eyes. "It's exactly that." Jaejoong said, his eyes slowly shifting until his gaze locked with Yunho's.

Yunho gave a slanted look, Jaejoong swallowed slightly as he continued in a steady voice.

"My feelings for you are indescribable."

Jaejoong was aware of the minor change in his expression. He knew that he had understood, that he realized the emotions he had hidden after years of frustration.

He didn’t wait to hear his reply.

Jaejoong was afraid to hear a response, to even clarify further his emotions for him as he should’ve done that night. He remembered how he had jumped from the hood and walked to the front seat. Even as Yunho entered the passenger side, minutes later after he recovered from realizing his message, Jaejoong chose to ignore that he had said anything at all. And though Yunho seemed reluctant to let it go, he accepted Jaejoong's silence for the time being.

Jaejoong felt that he was being a coward; he did his best to go around the subject if it ever occurred in their conversation. Always interrupting and changing it, because he felt Yunho hadn’t returned those feelings. He was aware of the conflicted expression that graced Yunho’s face frequently when he was in deep thought; he concluded on his own that if he had returned his feelings, he wouldn’t have seen it.

Yunho tried to act as before, as the close friends they always were, but was at a loss for words. At that point, Jaejoong regretted ever disclosing them.

He briefly thought of leaving but he felt he would simply be running away instead of helping himself like he should have. Despite Yunho not recuperating his feelings, he couldn't bear to stay away. He only wished he could do something to alleviate the awkward atmosphere that seemed to occur often between them.

He contemplated solutions while sitting in his car, the only place he was able to maintain a clear head when he heard a tap on the window. He looked up and met Yunho's shy smile, rolling down the window as Yunho leaned against the car door.

"I... I don't want to be awkward anymore." He stated. Yunho fidgeted with his hands. "I'm sorry for the way I've been acting."

Jaejoong shook his head as he leaned against the steering wheel. "We're both guilty of the same thing."

Yunho blinked and gave a small smile. Jaejoong couldn't help but laugh at the childish look he displayed and his straightforwardness.

He knew it'd be impossible to ever move on from those feelings but, at that moment, as they talked casually like they always did, he had forgotten his motive. He enjoyed the rare times he was able to experience the purity of what love should have been like, of how others had described it. He doubted it would last long, but for now he enjoyed the untainted emotion, even if it was for just that moment.

-

It had been months after when Jaejoong drew on the floor by the couch in the living room. The sound of the pencil scratching against the paper was the only sound heard until he felt a weight on his shoulder.

"You're gifted." Yunho said, impressed by the image.

"I'm not." Jaejoong said modestly, about to add the finishing touches when Yunho snatched it from his hands.

Jaejoong narrowed his eyes as Yunho defended. "It is amazing, I don't lie."

"I'm sure you don't." Jaejoong uttered, taking it back as Yunho held his grip, falling closer beside him. He watched his hand sketch the shading as he leaned against his shoulder, waiting patiently until Jaejoong laid down his pencil and lifted the drawing up to Yunho's height of vision. Jaejoong turned his head and watched Yunho's smile widen as he eyed the work, elated to hear his praises.

His watch softened as he continued to observe him when Yunho turned in his direction, their faces within inches of each other. Jaejoong immediately turned away as he closed the sketchbook, able to de-emphasize their physical closeness; he didn't want to give Yunho another reason to fear his emotions. He worked just as hard to hide his own feelings, not wanting to lose the friend that stood stubbornly beside him.

He was in the midst of putting away his supplies when Yunho gave him an affectionate kiss on the cheek.

He widened his eyes slightly as he faced him, Yunho pulled back and gave an awkward attempt at a smile.

"I'm sorry." He apologized.

Jaejoong stared blankly as he watched Yunho fumble over his words, trying to explain his actions when he shook his head, as if disproving his former excuse.

"I... I'm not sorry." He said determinedly that contrasted his wavering voice.

Jaejoong blinked a few times, registering his nervous actions and his words.

Yunho would never be cruel enough to play a trick on him, he wouldn't ever force emotions he wouldn't act on, never able to truly lie about his feelings, unlike Jaejoong who simply couldn't perfect the act. He couldn't suppress his small smile.

Jaejoong's passive demeanor gradually diminished as Yunho leaned in a second time and pressed his lips against his. It was a chaste kiss, one that despite how often Jaejoong had thought about in such circumstances, was beyond what he could ever imagined to be.

The kiss prompted his motive, another reason to stay, though he would have easily if Yunho ever asked. He felt the very question was brought about in his actions, and to that Jaejoong returned his eager reply.
 

He was content at the memories.

He leaned back against his hands on the windshield as he gazed at the sleeping Yunho. He felt as if the chains that restrained the monster within him was finally able to loosen its hold, but the monster hardly fought with rage at its freedom.

Yunho slowly stirred away and smiled in turn, he wasn't sure if there was ever a day he didn't have a smile on his face, not that he minded. After all, that smile was meant for him and he was confident in that aspect.

Yunho slowly got up and murmured. "It's almost time."

Jaejoong frowned and Yunho chuckled at his reaction. "I don't see whats so great about parties." He muttered.

Yunho leaned in and gave him a knowing look. "You could come with me."

"No." Jaejoong rejected immediately

"They're fun..." Yunho added. "But it might not be for someone who reads books constantly."

"Being literate is hardly a crime." Jaejoong defended, "And that's not the only reason why I dislike them." Yunho gave a slanted look as he waited for to hear out his reason. 

Jaejoong allowed the voice of the monster to speak through his lips.

"I don't like having other guys around you." Jaejoong uttered. "Or girls for that matter."

Yunho blinked at his statement, a wide smile gradually formed on his lips. It hadn't been the first time he disclosed his thoughts, and in the beginning Jaejoong was worried that it may put him off, but Yunho wasn't discouraged by his actions and Jaejoong was glad that he could be himself completely around him without having to worry. 

"Then I won't go." Yunho stated, stretching his arms from his sleep.

Jaejoong felt slightly triumphant but sighed. He didn't want to restrain him because of his selfish impulses. He needed to give courtesy to Yunho's own freedom.

"Go." He said reluctantly.

Yunho shook his head, however, and pressed his lips lightly against his forehead as he held him closely. Jaejoong stiffened slightly but relaxed in his hold, being the subject of his devotion was something he wasn't used to, but he grew accustomed to his random displays of affection.

Jaejoong closed his eyes briefly as he held the sketchbook against his chest with one hand and laid the other beside him, enjoying the slight wind that passed amongst them.

He felt his hand being moved and glanced at Yunho who closed his eyes and rested against him. He glanced at the hand that held his own and interlocked their fingers. Jaejoong couldn't fight back his smile, his eyes lingering on the black scarf that trailed around his neck.

He recalled the first day he met him; he had often wondered how different it could have been if he had refused to direct him on his way. If Yunho instead asked anyone else, as he should have, and not his stoic self. He remembered that day when he didn't realize the full affect Yunho would ever have on him and how now, at the present moment, he doubted he would have it any other way; he never could have resisted his constant presence.

"It's impossible not to feel that way about you." He murmured softly.

The wind picked up slightly, the pages of his sketchbook yanked harshly and revealed its many pages. Beginning with a wounded beast that roamed in seclusion, running continuously into the darkness that impaired its movements until it rested on the last page: a drawing that displayed its scars healing as it rested peacefully, free from the darkness that had clouded its judgment.

Jaejoong closed the finished book once more as he leaned against the windshield, strengthening his grip on the hand that rested in his as Yunho comfortably laid against his shoulder.

The monster was finally at peace.