“Your drawings are becoming quite dark.” Yunho said as he sat down beside him on the bench. “Still looks good though, creepy but cool.” He handed Jaejoong a drink.

“Girlfriend taking a test?” He said as he lifted the can’s tab, how the word rolled off in such disdain.

“Yeah, actually, that reminds me.” Yunho looked around the courtyard, the other students were caught up in their own conversations. “I need to talk to you about something.”

“Mm?” He drank from the can.

“I think I’m falling for her.” Jaejoong choked on his drink, Yunho patted him on the back. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine,” He coughed, Yunho warily looked at him. “Wrong pipe.”

Yunho slowly nodded and fidgeted his hands. “I really think I’m falling for her.” He said, a smile formed on his lips. “I’m not sure though, since I never really felt this way before.” He grinned as he looked off into the distance.

Yunho’s heart was bursting in excitement, in contrast Jaejoong’s suffered through an unbearable pain.

Be happy for him, he recited to himself as if it would work. “Be happy for him.”

“Hmm?” Jaejoong looked away, the fake smile would be seen through even through his eyes.

“I’m happy for you.” It took too much of his strength to muster out that sentence. The confession left a deep blow to his heart, yet it didn’t stop there. “You really don’t know what you’re doing to me.” Jaejoong muttered to himself, he was mentally exhausted. He couldn’t take any more of Yunho’s undying devotion to this girl.

The sun was setting down on the his porch steps where Jaejoong sat. Yoochun nodded as he heard his count of events. “Unfortunately, it had to be you.”

“He tells me everything.” He said, “He asks me for advice on how to surprise her. He tells me about their conversations, their dates and he continues to gush of all the wonderful things about her. I can’t take it anymore.” He gulped down most of his beer.

“This guy could end up making you an alcoholic.” Yoochun said, noting the two empty beer bottles beside him.

“Maybe.” Jaejoong scoffed. “I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“Thought about leaving?”

Jaejoong glanced at him. “Leaving? Why?”

Yoochun slushed the wine in his glass. “You are extremely immature.”

Jaejoong tilted his head. “That’s your conclusion?”

“Now listen,” Yoochun straightened up. “Understand you’re young, you are going to feel all these emotions. They exaggerate in your head, and of course love will make it worse.” He breathed out. “If you grow up more, you’ll mature.”

“And how long will it take for me to ‘grow up’?” Jaejoong said.

“As long as it takes for that green eyed monster to get off your back.” Yoochun reasoned.

“And what happens if I come back as the same jealous friend?”

Yoochun drank a sip. “Then suffer for the rest of your life.”

Jaejoong disregarded his advice, besides he couldn’t just leave if he wanted to. He had classes, his apartment, his car, material things aside it was stable to stay.

“Sorry Jaejoong.” Yunho said as he hurried into the car. “I lost track of time.”

“It’s fine.” Jaejoong said as he drove on. He didn’t understand Yoochun at all, he heard all of his complaints, his worries and his close to stalkerish obsession with this guy. And he says to leave?

“As if it were that easy.” Jaejoong murmured to himself.

“What is?” Yunho gave a slanted look, Jaejoong shook his head.

“Just talking to myself.” He looked around, “Where was it that you wanted to go?”

“Downtown, if that’s okay with you.”

“It’s fine.” Jaejoong continued to replay Yoochun’s comments in his head, it didn’t make sense at all. “Did he even listen?” He huffed, Yunho looked at him from the corner of his eyes. He continued to talk to himself for most of the drive. When they reached downtown, Jaejoong followed Yunho through the crowds of people. It was becoming difficult as the people rushed and pushed, coming in between them. Jaejoong managed to break free from the crowd and looked around, no sight of Yunho around.

“Yunho?” He asked out loud. “Yunho?” He called out, he was starting to worry when he felt a tug on his sleeve. The crowd was beside him still, he looked down to see Yunho’s hand holding on. The crowd kept pushing him back, Jaejoong then took his hand and pulled him from it.

“So many people.” He said out of breath. “Surprising how many black haired guys wearing the same dark clothes as you.” He widened his eyes as he looked at his watch. “Can’t be late.” Yunho rushed forward as fiercely as he could through the crowd. Yunho continued to hold onto his hand even as the crowd dispersed, unaware of the rush of emotions Jaejoong felt. “Here.” He said, he let go of his hand as he walked through the doors.

Jaejoong couldn’t help but feel disappointed, he remained stolid as he followed behind him. He glanced around at his surroundings and stopped dead in his tracks.

He was buying a gift for her, there was no other explanation. Jaejoong cringed at the thought.

“Jaejoong, I need to ask you a favor.” Yunho said in front of a jewelry case. Jaejoong had to drag himself to come closer. “Look.”

Jaejoong breathed in as he looked down, his eyes widened. He wanted to ask out loud, but the question wouldn’t come out.

“I’m going to propose to her Jaejoong.” He smiled softly. “I want to marry her.”

He was unable to say anything through the entire appointment, he gestured when asked of his opinion. He heard Yunho’s explanation of waiting till after college to actually get married. Even then he couldn’t respond.

“Who am I kidding?” He asked himself, he laughed on as finished another beer. He leaned against the pillar on campus, it was night and no one was around. It was completely silent, leaving him to his own thoughts. He carried the six-pack in one hand and threw the empty bottle in the trash bin.

He knew the chances of Yunho being with him were just as slim. It occurred to him often and yet he had to fall in love with the wrong guy. Yunho didn’t realize the range of emotions he had made Jaejoong suffer through constantly. With one praise, one glance, one smile he was sure he could do about anything, and just as quickly destroy his heart.

“I can’t take it anymore.” He said weakly, tears slid down his face. “I can’t.”

He reached down to open another beer when he noticed a piece of paper beneath the box. He lifted it and grabbed the paper, he squinted to read it under the dim lights of the campus. There it read:

Study Abroad Opportunity for Upperclassmen.

Mature into an individual ready to take on anything.

He scoffed at the foreword, was this Yoochun’s way of reaching him? Was this his way of saying leave? “He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” He crumpled the paper and threw it to the side. As he got up he looked at his reflection from the events box, he looked at his state.

The person before him looked weak, there he was with a disgruntled appearance. Tear marks left dried on his face, his eyes puffy and red. “This is who I am right?” He placed a hand on the wall. “Is being drunk this late at night considered immature? Is crying because the person you love is marrying someone else also immature?!” He banged his fist on the wall.

This wasn’t him. He knew that for a fact. He never once envied other people, he wasn’t content but justified with what he had. He was a strong person, often commented as being too mature for his age. He was independent, focused and stable.

It was Yunho who introduced himself as a transfer during his junior year of high school, he was lost and needed his help. It was meant to be a one time act, yet Yunho found him later on and continued to bother him. He was a nuisance, he would attempt to read or draw and he’d be around to interrupt constantly.

Before he knew it, he was used to Yunho’s presence. He found himself laughing and smiling alongside him, invoking feelings he never felt before. He was making his life unstable and his emotions change rapidly, he became unlike himself completely. It was obvious.

He couldn’t stay like this.

---

“You seem tired.” Yunho commented, Jaejoong didn’t look up as he laid his head down on the table.

“I am.” He replied, Yunho nodded in response. He glanced around the library, as usual no one was around. He noted the wrinkled paper under his sketchbook and read the heading backwards.

“Study abroad?” He asked, “You’re going to do that?”

“Yes.”

“Really? Which country you’re planning on? They offer a lot in the summer.”

“There’s this program with the school,” He explained. “They let all arts and humanities majors to take part in this exchange program, a semester at sea type program.”

Yunho nodded. “That’s pretty cool, summer’s usually boring too.” Yunho reasoned, Jaejoong slowly straightened up.

“I’m not planning on going for summer.” He said, Yunho blinked.

“Oh, for fall then?” Jaejoong continued to look down on the table.

“Longer than that.” Yunho placed his hand under his chin.

“What do you mean? How long are you staying for?”

Jaejoong didn’t meet his eyes. “Two years.”

“...Wait,” Yunho furrowed his eyebrows. “That means you’ll spend junior and senior year over somewhere?” Jaejoong nodded, he grabbed his pencil and started drawing. “Why? I mean, a semester sounds fine. A school year fine, but two years? You’re going to miss out on a lot.”

“I know.” Jaejoong said.

“Sounds expensive too...”

“Scholarships.”

“What about your apartment? Your car?”

“It’s fine.” Jaejoong stated.

“N-nothing’s fine. We only have a few weeks before spring semester ends, this means you’ll leave in three months right?” Jaejoong nodded, “Jaejoong, please stop and look at me.”

Jaejoong paused, he placed his pencil on the table. He breathed in as he looked up and met Yunho’s eyes. “Everything’s going to be fine. You know me, I’m not going to miss out on anything. I don’t involve myself in the social norm of this place. I really do have some scholarships that will help out. And I’ll continue to pay for the car and apartment, and if you’re that worried about them then please use them carefully.”

Yunho shook his head. “I don’t understand?”

“I’m not exactly going to be around to drive you everywhere, and I’ve seen your driving capabilities. I’m sure I can trust you to take care of it without crashing it.” He smiled. “And I’m sure you won’t trash my apartment.”

“I’m not going to use your apartment.”

“If you want you can even pay me rent, the same as your place. It’s honestly better than having me pay for it with no one living in it, it’ll just be storage for all my stuff. It also has a working heater.”

Yunho narrowed his eyes at him. “What hurts more is that I know you’re serious.”

Jaejoong nodded as he looked down. “I need this for myself, its selfish of me but I’d be even more selfish by staying.” Yunho gave a slanted look. “Don’t ask. Just know it’s all hopefully for a good reason.” Yunho stayed quiet, even as he went off to class and left Jaejoong in immediate regret.

The next week he suffered through the silent treatment, the cold shoulder, should be a blessing in disguise. To make the transition that much easier so that he won’t hear Yunho’s pleads, and give into them as he always had.

Yet he couldn't but help miss that naive smile of his.

“I can’t do it!” The voice exclaimed, Jaejoong jumped slightly and turned to see Yunho tapping the window of his car. Jaejoong slowly rolled down the window. “I can’t do it, but I won’t stop you. I’ll work hard to be happy for your decision.” He declared, Jaejoong gave a small smile. “I’ll even live in that apartment of yours, better not let it go to waste.”

“I’m sure.” Yunho then shifted his eyes around, Jaejoong sighed. “Get in.” Yunho smiled and walked to the other side and entered through the side door.

“Oh, and Yunho. There is one rule.”

Yunho blinked.

“No girls allowed.”