itallicized is Luhan talking to Yixing

We met five years ago. It was in the middle of the summer and my friend wanted to throw a Christmas-themed birthday party. It was such a dumb idea and I only went because he promised air conditioning and mine was broken. Minseok went too and we just ended up standing under the mistletoe with our plastic cups of apple cider, staring at the dumb party, until we realized that we were standing under the mistletoe. It was so awkward because we didn't know each other yet. I remember how he chuckled and said, “Are we supposed to kiss? Or does it not count because it's July right now?”

And then I said, “Not too sure, but first, we should probably introduce ourselves.”

So we ended up talking and not kissing, but looking back, I guess we more than made up for it. At the end of the party, someone brought out fake snow and someone else joked that that was definitely the first snow that year. Everyone was probably a little tipsy by then, even though there wasn't anything alcoholic. We were all dumb and naïve back then. Anyway, we all made stupid wishes. I don't think I knew what was happening, but I wished to get Minseok's number. And I did, so that was nice. I never found out what he wished for though. It was probably dumb too.

We didn't meet again for two years, but we kept in contact. Texting, emailing, phone calls, video chats . . . Sometimes we would go weeks without talking, but we always went back. It was never awkward, but I started to forget he was an actual person. It gets like that, you know. You start thinking the person you talk to is just a machine, some entity in your laptop or phone, with no real consequences, so you say whatever you want. It's not embarrassing that way. I told him all my problems- serious and stupid- and he would always reply with comforting words and a cute emoticon. He really liked using this one of a baozi, especially after I told him he looked like it. And I could send him all the emoticons and exclamation points I wanted without being scared if he would think that was too girly or childish or something.

Maybe I started falling for him then, but probably not. Not yet.

So our relationship was like that for two years. But then in the third year of university, I transferred schools and maybe it was fate or something, because we ended up as roommates. And that was when everything went downhill.

 

~ ~ ~

Luhan pauses and looks down at the table.

“Would you like a refill?” Yixing asks, forgetting that he's off work. The man pushes his cup over wordlessly and Yixing takes it.

At the counter, he realizes that there isn't enough and finds some instant-coffee mix instead. He quickly pours water into the cup and throws it into the microwave. As he watches the mug turn inside, he sighs to himself. It's painful listening to Luhan talk, his voice light, but tinged with nostalgia.

After the timer beeps, he dumps the powder inside, mixing it as he goes back. He places the steaming mug on the table and Luhan returns to the happier moments of his life.

~ ~ ~
 

Actually, I have no clue how or when I fell for him. It just kind of happened, I guess. And you know how people always ask “what did you see in him?” or “what do you like about him?” And really, how am I supposed to just say one thing? I liked his cheeks, I liked his eyes, I liked his laziness on Mondays, I liked how disgustingly sweaty he would get after soccer . . . hell, I even liked his left pinky toe. And you put all that together and you get the Kim Minseok that I loved. No, love. Present tense.

I love him.
I've never stopped.

Anyway, we were the typical roommates. We attended different classes, hung out after them, had random conversations in the middle of the night. And when I realized just how much he meant to me, I tried to not be too obvious or awkward, but how could I not? Yeah, I'm biual, but we've never discussed our ual orientations and I just assumed he was straight. I've always been a touchy person, so I took advantage of that and snuggled and cuddled with him whenever it was deemed acceptable. And that was a lot. But it seemed as if he was oblivious to it all and it was awful. I didn't know if that meant I could be even more obvious, or that I should just go fall heads-over-heels for someone who actually likes men.

And maybe I was too caught up over my actions that I didn't notice his. And so it was a total surprise when he confessed. Yeah . . . I was worrying over his uality and he ended up dragging me outside into the freezing winter so he could give me a romantic and heartfelt confession.

What happened was that we were sitting in our dorm, watching a boring melodrama, when he looked out the window and freaked out because it was snowing. It was the first snow, but it really isn't that big of a deal, you know? But then he forced me to put on my jacket and dragged me outside. And then I just kind of stood there as he started walking around me. I kept asking him, “Minseok, what the hell are you doing?” Basically just complaining about the cold. And he would just smile and tell me to be patient.

At the end, I think I was saying something about going back inside, when he walked over to me and shut me up. With his lips.

I'm blushing just thinking about it. Our first kiss.
Oh my god.

Anyway, it was like a drama kiss. He was totally into it, while I was stunned into silence, my eyes wide open. And before I could even enjoy it, he stepped back. And he said, “Actually, I had a long speech I was going to say, but you wouldn't shut up, so I had to do this instead.”

I was a bit over my shock then and I was like, “What were you going to say?”

He smirked as if he was expecting me to say something like that. And then he said, “Look around you. What do you see?”

And so I did. I was like, “Uh . . . your footprints?” He raised his eyebrow at that, but I had no clue what he wanted me to say, so I said, “Your footprints in the snow? All around me? In a circle?”

He finally sighed and came close and I thought he was going to kiss me again. But all he said was, “It's a heart, you dummy.”

To be honest, it was the crappiest heart I've ever seen, but when I heard that, I got butterflies in my stomach. I'm pretty sure I started blushing and I kept anticipating what he was going to say next. But instead of talking, he started stomping all over the 'heart'- note the air quotations- until all the pretty snow was ruined.

And then he was like, “What did I just do?”

And I said,“You walked over the snow?” Thinking back, I blame the cold and my surprise at being so impossibly stupid. Hopefully, it was a part of me that Minseok found endearing though.

He sighed again at that and said, “No, Luhan. I walked all over your heart.”

I remember doing a dramatic gasp because I didn't know how I was supposed to react. So then I was like, “You walked on my heart? That hurts!”

And, finally- the point I was waiting for the whole time- he said, “I left my footprints all over your heart because I was claiming it as mine. Don't tell me I'm being possessive, because this is actually just a cheesy confession line, but now your heart is mine. And mine is yours. And even when the snow melts, I'll still be in your heart. Okay?”

And then we kissed and I closed my eyes this time.

I'm really bad at describing things, but just imagine the two of us, standing inside a heart made out of footprints, kissing while the snow fell all around us. That kiss, and Minseok . . . it was just so . . .

~ ~ ~
 

Luhan breaks off and Yixing stares out the window with him. The snowflakes float lazily, land lightly, melt quickly. But somehow they manage to stick, covering the sidewalk with a whiteness not yet marred by people, by life.

But maybe if there are footprints, it'll be okay too, Yixing thinks.

Luhan sips on the cheap coffee and fingers the keychain as he begins once again.

~ ~ ~
 

Our relationship after that . . . it was awesome? If it was a drama- we both loved dramas, by the way- the years after that kiss would be the happy montage with the romantic OST playing in the background. Really. We saw each other everyday, but we never exactly grew tired of each other. Sure, there were some fights and there were hard times with overly-conservative people, but in the long run, they were nothing. We would cuddle every night, have great , and forget about all those troubles.

So we were roommates in college, we graduated, and we were still roommates. I couldn't imagine living with someone else then- I really couldn't. Our friends all joked that we already seemed like an old, married couple, and when they did, we would all laugh, but I would secretly imagine how we'd be when we were in our late-seventies. We'd be old grandpas, reading the morning newspaper, drinking coffee and debating about cats. Or something.

None of that's important anymore though. I'm getting too off topic.

Minseok always got mad when I go on tangents and completely ignore what he's saying when it gets too serious. I think it's called “running away from your problems.”

Oh god, I'm doing it again.

Anyway . . .

Happy.
We were happy.

We loved getting each other gifts, but it didn't happen much because we were broke college kids and then we were struggling to pay the rent with our minimum wage and entry level jobs. So for birthdays and Valentine's Days and anniversaries, we treated each other to ramen, , and handmade gifts. Minseok especially loved doing that. He would randomly show up with something he made and I would feel touched every time. Like, this keychain? It was from college when he took a graphic arts class. They were learning printing or something, so he made it for me. With my name. I remember pointing out the smudge and he smacked me softly, telling me to be more artsy. “Come on, Luhan. It's a heart,” he said. I don't know what was with Minseok and all these crappily made hearts. After all these years, it still doesn't really look like one, but I can see it, feel it.

Christmas was special though, maybe because of how we met. So we splurged and spent all our- almost all our- savings on something nice for each other.

And I remember that whenever we saw a reindeer, he would say, “Hey, look! It's you!” because “lu” means “deer," you know. I would laugh but then he'd say something like “And I'm Santa, riding you” and so I'd hit him.

And speaking of Santa . . . he was always self-conscious of his chubbiness. I liked it because I could pinch his cheeks and he was just so adorable, but he didn't, obviously. He would go on these really extreme diets and sometimes they would work, sometimes not. I didn't agree with all of them, but I tried to understand and be supportive. I wanted him to be happy, and if he needed to be totally in shape to be happy, then yeah, I'd do anything to help him.

So when he started losing all this weight and not gaining it back, I congratulated him. I remember how he just smiled and changed the subject and I thought now he could be happy in his body, be healthier, all that . . . And then he kept losing weight. I started feeling sharp bones and awkward angles when we hugged.

I got worried, of course, and asked him about it. He never answered and just brushed me off. But I kept asking, and asking, because he kept getting more thin and pale, until one day I thought he was going to get annoyed and break up with me.

I remember how he stared at me that day. His eyes were so sad and I stopped what I was saying midsentence. I think I even stopped breathing because it was disconcerting. I didn't know what was happening. I thought he was going to tell me that he couldn't stand me anymore and that was my biggest fear back then. That- not whatever he actually told me.

That he had cancer.

He told me and looked at me, waiting for me to respond but I didn't know how to! That sort of thing wasn't supposed to happen in real life and he had told me so unceremoniously, so flatly, like he had already accepted it.

The first emotion that I actually felt was anger. Like, how could he not tell me earlier? Why couldn't I have been there when he found out?

And then he started crying and I just . . . I was a mess. We were both a mess.
I was so scared of losing him and there was also that nagging feeling that I was selfish.

Shouldn't I be more worried about the pain that he was going through? But I was just thinking about how hard it was for me.

As his health deteriorated, it was so painful to look at him. His chubbiness was gone, his eyes were so ing huge in that gaunt face, and sure they still sparkled sometimes, but they were nothing like before. It hurt. But it hurt even more to not be by his side, so I stayed. I held him when he cried, I cried when he cried, and I smiled when he tried pretending nothing was wrong.

I moved into the hospital with him when that became necessary and took a month off from work. Only a month. For some reason, I had stupid hope that maybe that was all I needed. Maybe after a month he'll be healthy and we can go back.

Cancer treatment's expensive, you know. We had to call our parents for money and that was really bad. None of us were too close to our family, and I was on especially bad terms, so mostly it was breaking the news to Minseok's and then asking for money. I felt like I was so useless when his parents came to visit. I dated their son, I "turned him" gay, and then he got sick and I couldn't even pay.

Oh damn, that rhymes. I'm just a poet and I didn't even know it. Ha.

But it felt like it was my fault.

I wish I could've done more. I sat in the chair next to his bed all day long, tried to understand whatever the doctor said, talked to Minseok about the weather, talked about the future, brought him food . . . but then in the middle of the night, he would wake up from the pain and all I could do was listen as he talked about how he couldn't take it anymore. There was so much I couldn't do, so many important things that I couldn't do and I felt like . He could probably tell too, and it made me feel like even more because I was worrying him. I- I . . .

But I guess it doesn't matter because we can't turn back time. You can feel guilt and regret, letting it eat away at you, but you can't do anything about it. Anyway, Christmas Eve came and it's such a cruel joke.

I realized that I didn't get him a present, so I was going to go out to get something. He said it was okay because he didn't get me anything either, but I still wanted to go. It was our thing. I wanted to pretend that it was just like before. I even stood up, but he grabbed onto my hand and pulled me back. I remember his fingers. They were like toothpicks, but still so strong and warm. And he said, “Don't leave, Luhan. Stay.”

So I sat down and stayed.
I stayed, but he left.

His warmth, the light in his eyes . . . I held his hand, but bit by bit he slipped through my fingers.

I did what he told me to! I stayed there, by his side, but he left me. In the morning, it was Christmas and all that was there was me and his shell. He was gone, but I was still there, holding his hand. His toothpick fingers and mine.

The nurses came and left. The doctors came and left. Everyone came and left, but I was still there. It was so hard to let go. It felt like our hands were stuck together- my hand was numb and all I could feel was his fingers curled around mine. And I didn't want to let go, because then I would never be able to go back again.

I sat there, frozen in that plastic chair, in the place he told me to stay in. And I did.
I stayed, Yixing! Why couldn't he stay too?