Sehun started going out with his first girlfriend in May, three months before I turned fifteen. Choi Jinri was our age and she had been the classmate I was the closest to in the second year of middle school. I introduced her and her best friend, Jung Soojung, to Jongin and Sehun because the two boys were in a different class then, and had watched as Sehun immediately turned into a hormonal puddle of goo at her smile. I couldn't blame him though: Jinri was tall and really pretty and had nice skin and the sweetest smile. 

It took Sehun a good few months to convince Jinri to go out with him, but when she said yes in our final year of middle school, he was the happiest I had ever seen him. 

Despite myself, I couldn’t help being too worried—what for, exactly, Jongin asked, but I didn’t know what to say—and that worry only manifested itself in compulsive nagging for him to please remember we have to pass up this  assignment tomorrow and when are we going to start on that group project for history and to remember to study for your exams too because Jinri, as pretty as she was, wasn’t an excuse for copying all my homework. 

I also for liking her so much, but mostly it was because that was what best friends did and what I felt was the only thing Sehun expected from me—Lee Arang who was tiny and overweight and definitely plain compared to Choi Jinri and Jung Soojung and therefore, the completely platonic best friend.

And because it was probably what Sehun expected, he only laughed at my teasing and nagging and told me to help choose a birthday present for her. He even got it packaged nicely and bought a pretty card to write a note in. I watched his profile while he concentrated, and taught him how to write a message that was sincere, short and sweet even as the words felt bitter on my tongue. I was slightly too chubby and my grade for math was slipping, so I decided to focus on studying and losing weight with Jongin who was bemused at my sudden interest in exercise because that was all I could do since I wasn’t as naturally pretty as Jinri. 

When I thought of it, it hurt, so I tried not to think of it at all. 

I watched Sehun ditch Jongin and I after school to run to her, giddy infatuation and euphoric excitement clinging to him like a second skin as he called an apology over his shoulder and a promise that he would hang out with us soon. Soon enough though, his attention was entirely hers.

Jongin and I got on the bus, and it felt odd when the bus driver who had known us for ages asked where Sehun was and Jongin replied “on a date”. 

Jongin sat next to the window, and I sat next to the aisle where Sehun should have been, right opposite us on the other end. I wondered what he was doing on that date, wondered if he was holding Jinri’s hand, wondered if he had kissed her yet—

I wondered if it had been different, if I was different, if I had suddenly transformed into someone so beautiful that even Jinri, the prettiest girl in school, would pale in comparison to me, if then Sehun would want to kiss me, and then, I was sure that I wanted to kiss Sehun and I wanted to hold his hand, and I wanted to be with him and SehunSehunSehun.

It didn’t come gradually. The realisation struck like a lightning bolt, numbing me, and it was awful. I tried to think of it as something else other than love, I called it a puppy crush, I called it an infatuation, but there were so many terms I used for what I was feeling other than love and it didn’t make it any less painful or cutting. 

But even as the epiphany occurred on that bus on the way home with an oblivious Jongin nodding off on my shoulder, the denial came too. There was no way this could be love, even if I had no idea what it felt like in the first place, because there was a difference between loving someone and loving your best friend of nearly a decade and Sehun couldn’t be my first love because feeling like your heart was going to fall in upon itself—that couldn’t be love. 

It couldn’t be love.

I first met Kang Seungyoon after math class one day when my teacher called me over as the others filed out of class. Jongin hung behind at the door, raising his eyebrows at me in a moment of silent communication, asking do you want me to wait, and I shook my head, no. 

The teacher was frowning at a paper she was holding, and my heart sank when I noticed my name at the top and the numerous crosses slashed across white paper in red ink. 

“You asked me to stay back?” My voice came out somewhat tremulous.

“Your grade for math is pulling your average down, Arang,” she sighed, tapping the abysmal test paper with the end of her pen. “You’re one of the best students in the form, but you could do so much better if your math wasn’t so bad.”

I didn’t point out that my grade for math was actually an A- which I had already struggled through more late nights than I could count for, and only said meekly, “I try my best, but I can’t seem to improve beyond a low A.”

Just then, a knock sounded and the door slid open as a boy stuck his head inside the classroom. I recognised him; he was a decently popular guy in my year who a lot of girls liked because he had an amazing voice and played the guitar. I remembered Seulgi, a classmate of mine, pointing him out with a glint of admiration in her eyes because he's a really good singer, she said, and I had noticed because he was kind of cute too.

I took a closer look from under my lashes. He wasn't handsome, visually striking the way Sehun was, or lazily graceful like Jongin, but he seemed charming with a slightly dazed look on his face that softened into a smile as he waved at me slightly.

“Sorry I’m late,” he grinned, seeming not apologetic at all. 

“Ah, Seungyoon.” The teacher beckoned, her voice affectionate. I smiled at him shyly. His eyes smiled back at me over the teacher's head.  “This is the girl you'll be tutoring, Lee Arang.”

I looked at her in surprise. I had never had a tutor in my life. I didn’t really ask for help much, not even from Jongin or Sehun. “Oh,” I said before pausing awkwardly. I snuck another look at Seungyoon; he smiled again. His smile was....nice.

“Try to arrange a time after school when you two can meet up and study together.” The teacher rose from her desk, obviously having done everything she could. She patted my shoulder. “Do well.” 

She shut the door, and the click was loud in the quiet room. 

“Nice to meet you,” I said, bowing a little. “I’m Lee Arang.”

“I know,” he said, laughing. He had a nice laugh, smooth and melodic even at the age when most guys I knew were still caught in the gawky stage of transition. Jongin was the only other teenage boy I knew who sounded like that. “I'm Kang Seungyoon."

He stuck out his hand, and I gripped it, a little surprised.

"So," he grinned. He was very friendly and seemed almost enthusiastic at the prospect of tutoring me, even. "When do you want to have your first lesson?”

“When