“Oh my god, no, I don’t want to read any Kaisoo , Bommie!” Minzy buried her face deeper into the pillow, trying to forget what Bom said about Kai being gay.

There was a rumbling at that moment, which Bom first felt in her stomach and just assumed was the corn settling, but then the rumble deepened and she realized that it wasn’t the corn but was instead an outside force, like an earthquake. “Minzy-ah? Do you feel that?” She held onto the nightstand, trying to retain her balance. “Is it possible to have an earthquake in space?”

Minzy looked up from her pillow, staring at Bom with tired eyes. “It’s called an earthquake, unni. EARTHquake. Not… not spacequake.” She shook her head, but then she felt the room rumbling, too, her eyes widening as she sat up. “What the…”

“Spacequake?” Bom asked.

The two girls ran to the window on the far wall of their room, staring out into the dark space outside until they saw the approaching source of the rumbling. It was the SM Starship, which was nearly brushing the YG Starship as it steadily passed them on that intergalactic highway.

G-Dragon and Seungri, in their room one floor down from the girls, were also eyeing the passing ship, which was so close that the two boys could practically see into the ship’s windows.

While Seungri peered with all his might, hoping to get a glimpse of one of the SNSD girls inside, G-Dragon had an entirely different idea.

“What are you doing?” Seungri asked, when he saw G-Dragon his pants.

“You’ll see,” G-Dragon said, as he turned around and bent over, pulling down his pants to expose his bare . “How do you like that, SM!” he called out, while shaking his at the window.

Seungri stared at G-Dragon’s ness. “Erm, I think your ’s too tiny for them to see.”

“What?” G-Dragon pulled up his pants. “You saying I don’t have a nice ?”

“Oh, erm, no, you have a nice ,” Seungri said, blushing. “Very nice . Yep. But, erm, just… small. Like a kiwi.”

“A kiwi?” G-Dragon asked, flabbergasted. He shook his head at Seungri and then turned his attention back to the passing ship outside the window. “Seriously, what’s their problem flying so close and passing us like this? You think they’re trying to start something?”

“Start what?” Seungri asked.

“I don’t know. Something.” G-Dragon eyed the ship suspiciously.

At that moment, Taeyang and Daesung, out in the corridor, buzzed the intercom to G-Dragon and Seungri’s room. The four boys met up at the door.

“You see the SM ship, hyung?” Daesung asked.

“What’s their problem?” Taeyang asked.

“That’s what I was just saying to Seungri!” G-Dragon said. “Let’s go get Mr. Bunny Slippers and do something about this.”

It had only been twenty or so minutes since they’d left Rest Station Star-Six-Delta, but T.O.P. had already undressed out of his normal clothes, put back on his black silk robe and slippers, queued up a Cure album on his tablet, and was just about to light up a pipe when he heard G-Dragon’s voice yell into the intercom.

“Hyung, put that pipe down and open the door!”

T.O.P. got paranoid for a moment, wondering how G-Dragon knew he was about to smoke. He stood up and walked to the intercom beside the door, holding down the button to talk back. “How do you know what I’m doing in here? You got probes on my door or something?”

By probes, T.O.P. was referring to these spy mechanisms often used by sasaeng fans. The sasaengs traveled space in small, rickety cruiser ships, chasing after the big entertainment starships, and when they got close enough to one, they’d let loose the probes, which were metal coils that sprouted out and latched onto the starships. Once latched on to the exterior, the probe heads were able to see and record inside the starships.

“I don’t need probes to know what you do in there,” G-Dragon said, smirking. “Come on, open the door already.”

T.O.P. tightened the sash around his robe and opened the door. “What do you want?”

“The SM Starship is messing with us,” Taeyang said.

“Yeah, we’re going to get back at them somehow,” G-Dragon said.

Seungri snorted. “Jiyong mooned them.”

“He did?” Daesung asked, laughing.

T.O.P. stared at all of them, his face stoic. “Are you seriously bothering me with this? What do you want me to do? Stick my out the window too?”

“That’s not a bad idea,” Taeyang said. “We should just all line up and stick our butts in their face.”

“Let’s just tell Captainbot to speed up and pass them like they passed us,” Daesung said.

G-Dragon shrugged. “Well, either way, you’re coming with us, hyung,” he said, as he grabbed T.O.P.’s arm and pulled him out of his room.

The boys took the elevator pod up to the seventh floor, checked in with the securitybot, and then entered the bridge. They rushed down the middle row, passing the line of robots working at their navigational consoles, and then stopped at the center of the room, where the captainbot was sitting.

The captainbot turned to look at them, his one glowing red eye surveying the five boys. “Hello.Big.Bang,” it said.

“Heya,” G-Dragon said, smiling. He gestured toward the front windows of the bridge, pointing to the SM Starship now ahead of them. “So, erm, we need you to go faster and pass that ship.”

The captainbot blinked its eye. “Ship.Is.Traveling.At.Recommended.Speed.”

“How come the SM Starship gets to go faster than our ship?” Seungri whined.

“Yeah, what the hell?” G-Dragon asked.

“I.Am.Not.Programmed.For.Non-Emergency.Speed.Command.”

G-Dragon rolled his eyes. “Fine, I’m taking over then.” He pressed the Off button on the back of the captainbot’s head and pushed the now disabled robot out of its seat.

“Oh my god!” T.O.P. said, shocked at the sight of the captainbot slumped on the floor. “What the hell are you doing, Jiyong?”

“Call me Captain Kwon!” Jiyong yelled, as he jumped into the captainbot’s seat and looked down at the rows of crewbots in front of him. “Which one of you robots is in charge of driving this thing?” he asked.

Two crewbots in the front row turned to face G-Dragon.

“Are you the pilots of this beast?” G-Dragon asked.

“Yes.Captain.Kwon,” they said, simultaneously.

G-Dragon smiled and bit his lip at the sound of his new title.

“Erm, hyung?” Daesung asked, interrupting. “This isn’t a good idea…”

“Yeah, I don’t know about this, Jiyong,” Taeyang said.

G-Dragon turned to look at them. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything stupid,” he said. He looked over at Seungri then. “And no word about this to Papa YG, Seungri! We all know you’re his spy!”

“Wh-what?” Seungri feigned an innocent look. “Spy? Me?”

“And stop giving me that look, hyung!” G-Dragon said, glancing at T.O.P.

T.O.P. rolled his eyes and folded his arms across his chest. He didn’t want any part of this crazy Captain Kwon experiment, but at the same time, he was hesitant to leave, afraid that if he did, things might get out of hand.

G-Dragon turned his attention back to the pilots. “Okay, boys! Get this ship moving! I want that SM Starship to eat our rubber!”

“Eat our rubber?” Daesung asked.

“What rubber?” Seungri asked. “What does that mean?”

“Erm, eat our dust, I mean,” G-Dragon said. “Or whatever,” he mumbled.

The two crewbots got to work, pressing a series of buttons on their control panels to override the set speed and then pulling the accelerator level simultaneously to boost the ship past the SM Starship. Everyone held onto the nearest surface to catch their balance as the ship suddenly jerked and blasted forward, nearly scraping the side of the SM Starship as they passed it.

“Yahoo!” G-Dragon yelled, unable to control his excitement. “You see that?” he asked, glancing aimlessly at the rest of Big Bang. “That’s what I’m talking about!”

The SM Starship was now behind them, the front windows of the bridge showing nothing but dark space ahead.

“Okay, you had your fun,” T.O.P. said. “Now turn the captainbot back on again and let’s get out of here.”

G-Dragon sighed. He didn’t want to relinquish control.

CL, Dara, and Minzy rushed in at that moment.

“What happened?” CL asked. “I was nearly thrown from my bed!”

“Why are you sitting in Captainbot’s chair?” Dara asked.

Minzy noticed the disabled captainbot sprawled on the floor beside G-Dragon. “Oh my god, is Captainbot… dead?”

G-Dragon rolled his eyes. “I just turned him off, erm, temporarily.”

“What?” CL asked. “Why?”

Bom stumbled into the bridge then, panting from trying to keep up with the girls after having eaten so much corn. “I’m… I’m… I’m really going to die,” she said, as she bent over, trying to catch her breath.

“Are you okay?” T.O.P. asked. He ran over to her and tried helping her up, noticing then her oily face and enlarged belly. “What happened? Why are you so… bloated?”

Suddenly, the second tier of navigational consoles lit up. The crewbots sitting at those consoles launched into a spree of activity. “System.Indicates.Cruiser.Heading.For.Docking.Bay,” one of them said.

“A cruiser?” Seungri asked.

“Is it a sasaeng?” Daesung asked.

“Put it up on the screen!” G-Dragon yelled.

The crewbots activated the communication screen, which then projected a visual of the SM Starship behind them and what looked like a small cruiser between the two ships, sputtering forward, just as the crewbot said, to the YG Starship’s docking bay.

“Can you zoom in so we can see who’s driving that thing?” G-Dragon asked.

Everyone in the bridge stared at the communication screen as the crewbots zoomed in on the visual of the cruiser and focused the angle on the windshield until it revealed who was steering that small vessel. It turned out not to be a sasaeng cruiser but was instead an SM cruiser, with Taeyeon, Baekhyun, and Chanyeol riding in the front seat.

“What the hell do they want?” G-Dragon muttered.

“Permission.Needed.To.Open.Docking.Bay,” one of the crewbots said.

G-Dragon shrugged. “Yeah, I guess,” he said.

The communication screen flashed to a visual of the docking bay’s interior, showing the door opening as the SM cruiser continued at full speed ahead.

“How come they’re not slowing down?” Seungri asked.

No one answered. Everyone was focused on the screen, watching as the small cruiser sped into the docking bay and swerved into a screeching u-turn once inside. They saw Chanyeol quickly stick his head out the window of the cruiser, the shield of his space helmet foggy from his breath. Without warning or explanation, he then threw what appeared to be a small puppy out the window, flinging that poor dog out into the docking bay like a furry grenade.

“What the… ?” G-Dragon squinted, confused as he watched the cruiser leave just as quickly as it had come.

“They left us a present,” Seungri said.

“It’s so cute!” Bom said.

Minzy smiled and bit her lip, thinking that the cute puppy must be a present from Kai. “I’m going to go see!” she said, as she raced out of the bridge.

“Wait up!” CL called out, as she and Dara began chasing after her. “Wait for us!”

“I want to see, too!” Bom said, trailing behind them.

The Big Bang boys watched the girls leave the bridge and then all looked at each other with confused expressions.

“Why would he just throw that dog out the window like that?” Daesung asked, pouting. “That poor dog. I hope it’s not hurt.”

T.O.P. looked back at the visual of the docking bay on the screen, seeing the bay door close with that dog now inside. “The dog’s not wearing a space helmet,” he said.

Seungri quietly chuckled.

“What’s so funny?” T.O.P. asked.

“Just… you know… a dog wearing a space helmet. It’s kind of funny.”

“Wait,” Taeyang said, now understanding where T.O.P. was going with that thought. “The docking bay is pressurized even with the door open, right? But it wouldn’t fill up with oxygen until the door closes again.”

“So?” Seungri asked, confused.

“So, that means that the dog stayed alive even when the docking bay was completely open to space with no air to breathe,” Taeyang said.

“So?” Seungri asked, still confused.

“Aish, Seungri-yah,” Taeyang said. “It’s some sort of damn alien puppy.”

“Oh,” Seungri said. “But, erm, so?”

“Oh my god, Seungri, shut up!” G-Dragon yelled. “If it’s an alien, we have no idea if it’s dangerous or…” His voice trailed off as he caught sight of the girls on the screen entering the docking bay and approaching the puppy. He quickly ordered the crewbots to zoom in on the puppy so they could get a better look. From what they could see, it looked like one of those toy dogs that heiresses carried around in their purses. It certainly didn’t look harmful in any way.

What those aboard the YG Starship didn’t know was that, while at Rest Station Star-Six-Delta, Seohyun had been captivated by a certain vendor’s goods much like Bom had, but instead of space corn, she had instead been entranced by a stand full of these adorable alien puppies. Against the advice of the EXO boys and the other SNSD girls, she purchased this very dog and brought it aboard the SM Starship with her… only to deeply and almost immediately regret that decision.

The boys watched the interaction between the 2NE1 girls and the alien puppy on the screen, seeing the girls all bend down and swoon over the fluffy beast. Just when the boys started to relax, thinking that everything was okay, they saw the puppy suddenly whip around with its tail in the air as its launched a tidal wave of diarrhea all over the girls, spraying the four of them from head to toe with sticky, smelly, poop.

“Oh my god!” the boys yelled, but their surprise was nothing in comparison to that experienced by the girls, all of whom stood frozen in that docking bay staring down at their poop-covered bodies.

“It pooped on them!” Seungri yelled. “It just turned and… and just pooped all over them!”

Daesung’s mouth hung open. “How can such a tiny dog shoot out so much freaking poop? I don’t understand…”

Taeyang’s face grew red as his anger took over. “They sent that poop puppy here on purpose!”

“Those SM bastards…” G-Dragon muttered.

“Incoming.Communication.From.SM.Starship,” one of the crewbots said.

The boys all turned to look back at the screen as the visual of the docking bay disappeared with a flash to white and then to a close-up of Kris, his face nearly encompassing the entirety of the screen. “How do you like your new pet?” Kris asked, smirking. “His name is Stinky!” His laughter at that moment was cut off along with the communication as the screen went black.

The five Big Bang boys stared at the black screen, shocked.

“We can’t just let them poop on our women and get away with it!” Taeyang yelled.

T.O.P., who had mostly been quiet this whole time, suddenly reached into his pocket for his tablet and began quickly scrolling through some web pages.

“What are you doing?” G-Dragon asked.

“I don’t normally believe in revenge,” T.O.P. said. “I’ve always believed in Martin Luther King Jr.’s words when he said that man must evolve past revenge, aggression, and retaliation with love.” He paused for a moment, looking up from his tablet. “But they pooped on us.”

“So, what are you doing there on your tablet?” Seungri asked.

T.O.P. looked back down at the pages he was scrolling through, finally finding the forum he was looking for. “I’m going to exact revenge,” he said, as he started to leave a message on the Sasaeng Fan Forever message board, notifying the sasaengs of the SM Starship’s exact coordinates. After pressing Send, he looked up at G-Dragon. “Better order the crewbots to get us out of here, Captain Kwon. We have about two minutes before a million sasaeng cruisers arrive.”

“Good job, Tabi,” G-Dragon said, nodding. “It’ll take them forever to get rid of all those probes.” He shifted in the captainbot’s seat, straightening his posture and smiling as he looked down upon the robots seated in front of him. “You heard him! Get us out of here before those sasaengs latch onto us, too!”

The YG Starship steered off the intergalactic highway and out of sight just as the first dozen sasaeng cruisers arrived and surrounded the SM Starship, their probes extending out and suctioning to the ship’s exterior like barnacles. G-Dragon ordered the crewbots to take the ship even deeper out into uncharted space, far away from the sasaeng stampede on the highway.

“I hope SM learned their lesson,” T.O.P. said.

“I swear, if they ever try anything like that again, I’m going to poop on them myself!” G-Dragon said.

“With your kiwi ?” Seungri asked, chuckling.

“Whatever,” G-Dragon said. “You wish you had my .”

“Ew, what’s that smell all of a sudden?” Daesung asked, quickly covering his nose.

“Poop,” Taeyang said. “The girls must be back.”