“So, guys, what was the point of today’s experience?”  The young woman sitting next to me asked.  Her lips curved into a gentle smile as she looked each one of us in the eye.

“Be confident,” we chorused back at her.

“And?  What else?”

“We fail, we lose, to win, don’t be afraid,” we all replied.  After the words left my mouth, I stole a look at Ryeowook, who was sitting several spots to my right.  He was staring up at Minah, our guest speaker, with wide eyes.  For once, he didn’t look as exasperated as most of us usually looked during our afternoon sessions.  In fact, none of the people in the room looked exasperated or bored or annoyed.  Not even me.

Once every week or two, the hospital would invite guest speakers to our ward to preach about nonsense things that were somehow supposed to help us: telling us to think positively and to pull ourselves together, teaching us how to meditate to take away the stress, reminding us that life held so many wonderful opportunities and that we couldn’t enjoy most of them if we were in a mental hospital.  Well, it wasn’t as if we had wanted to be here in the first place.

But Bang Minah was different.  She had been here with us every day for five consecutive days so far, unlike all the other speakers, who had only stayed for one day at most.  There was something about her that I hadn’t seen in any other speaker we had had so far.  I didn’t know exactly what it was, but it was the little things about her.  Minah had a nice smile, but she didn’t flash it everywhere as if it were a 20-carat diamond ring.  She didn’t lecture the entire time; instead, she encouraged us to talk to each other.  She didn’t push us to divulge anything we didn’t want to and she didn’t treat us as if we were mental patients.  She treated us as if we were truly her friends.  People she cared about.

Over the past week, we had gradually opened up to her and everyone else without realizing it, revealing details of our lives that the rest of us hadn’t known before.  It was the small things in ourselves that said the most about us, the dozens of small details we hadn’t thought too much about before Minah had pointed them out.  Our music tastes, our body language when someone else was talking to us, the way our eyes lit up when we were talking about something we were passionate about.  As the week passed, I began to notice those things in other people.  I didn’t understand how or why, but somehow, by doing this, we began to bond with one another on a much more personal level.  All of us in the ward had become closer to each other.

I felt loved.  I felt like I had found people in the world I really cared about.  It was strange, how I felt more at home when I was around them than when I was actually at home.  I felt comfortable around the other patients in the ward and around Minah.  They were all friendly and understanding, unlike everyone else in the hospital.

Ryeowook seemed especially changed by Minah’s presence.  Our session on Tuesday had been about maintaining positive body images, and to my surprise, I had noticed something drastically different about him.  With each meal that came and went, he looked less and less pained at the sight of food.  I didn’t say anything about it because I knew by now that mentioning anything food-related to an anorexic wasn’t the wisest choice, regardless of my intentions.  But something that Minah said had changed him, and I was happy that Ryeowook was doing better.

“Oh, and I almost forgot.  I have an announcement to make.”  Once Minah was sure she had our attention-- not that it had been diverted in the first place-- she spoke again, her next words causing me to bite my lip a little anxiously.  “Remember what I said yesterday about learning how to exemplify our talents?  This time next week, we’re gonna have a talent show so all of you can have a chance to demonstrate your individual skills.  This will also tie together what we’ve been working on all week: gaining confidence in our appearance and our skills and not worrying about what anyone else thinks about them.”

I glanced around the circle to see some of the others giving Minah confused looks.

“Questions?”  She asked.  “You guys look worried.  It’s not something you should be worrying about.  Just find something you’re good at and present your talent to your peers.  It can be literally anything.  Like, if you’re good at singing, then you can sing a song for us.  If you’re a talented writer, then you can read us a portion of something you’ve written.  If you have a passion for drawing--”  She motioned towards me and smiled, and I found myself smiling back at her.  “You can bring a few of your drawings and tell us the stories behind them.”

“Anything?”  Heechul was looking at Minah with an excited look on his face.

“Mhmm.  Anything.”

“Can I act?  Like do a skit or something?  Or rap?”  At his words, CL perked up and made eye contact with Heechul.  He smirked back as her eyes sparkled.

“Well, the last time I checked, acting and rapping were under the category of ‘anything’, so why not?”  She smiled her eye smile and Heechul nodded happily.

That was another thing about Minah.  Unlike everyone else in the hospital, she was actually fun to be around.  Her smiles were never fake and whenever one of them was directed towards you, it made you feel special.  Ryeowook was looking at Minah with a smile as well, and I smirked slightly as I watched him watch Minah talk.  The buzzer rang, signalling the end of the session, and Minah smiled at all of us as she got up from her spot on the floor.

“Anyways, so I’ll see you guys next Friday to watch all of you perform.  Relax, don’t overthink it, and just do whatever you feel comfortable with, alright?”

We all nodded and responded with a chorus of okays and yeses.  It was visiting hour now.  I immediately went over to Ryeowook so that we could walk back to our room together.

“Hey, hyung,” he greeted me.

“Hey.”  I gave him a knowing smirk as I thought back to him smiling at Minah.

“Remind me again why you’re looking at me like that?”  Ryeowook smirked back at me as we followed the others out of the common room.

“So what’s with you and Minah?”  I joked, even though I knew that there was most likely nothing going on between them.  “You keep looking at her as if--”

“Hyung!”  Ryeowook whined, slapping my arm gently.  “Seriously?”  He rolled his eyes.

“Well, I’ve noticed you’ve been ogling her ever since she got here, so…” My smirk grew wider and Ryeowook rolled his eyes again.

“I haven’t been ogling her.”  His tone was one of playful exasperation.  “I like having her around with us, that’s all.  Do you think I like her or something?”

“Well…”  I left the sentence unfinished and Ryeowook slapped my arm again.

“She’s not my type.  Satisfied?”

“So what’s your type, Ryeowook?”

“So what’s the reason behind your sudden interest in my nonexistent love life?”  He retorted cheekily.

“It’s called making conversation.  Which is exactly what Minah’s been encouraging us to do this whole week.  You would remember, wouldn’t you?”  I teased.

“Aish, you little--” he muttered under his breath.

“You little what?”  I laughed and ruffled his hair, causing his lips to curl into a small pout.  I smirked again.  It was fun, being able to talk and joke with Ryeowook like this, without a care in the world.

“You little--”  He stopped in his tracks and paused, clearly unable to think of anything to say.  A few moments ticked by and I grinned.

“Nice, nice.  You can’t even deliver proper insults.”  I continued heading down the hallway.  Ryeowook caught up to me and snorted.  He stood on his toes so that he could reach up and mess up my hair.  I pulled back and made a face.

“Anyways, so what are you gonna do for the talent show next week, hyung?  Have you thought about it yet?”

I shook my head.  I hadn’t been able to think of anything particularly creative, but to my strange satisfaction, I wasn’t very worried.  If I couldn’t think of anything, I would just show a few of my drawings, as Minah had suggested.  Normally, I would have been stressed out about the situation, but I didn’t feel anything of the sort right now.  I was actually looking forward to it, despite how cheesy the idea of a talent show was.  I smiled a little, thinking of how Minah had impacted my way of thinking.  If only the others in the hospital were like this.  Too bad Minah isn’t part of the hospital staff.  If she was, things wouldn’t be so bad here.  But at least I have other friends here as well.

“Not yet.  You?”

“I’m thinking of singing something.”

I nodded, remembering how Ryeowook had told me and the others a few days back that he had always wanted to be a singer and dancer at SM Entertainment, just like me.  He already composed songs in his free time and recorded instrumentals, and judging from the quality of the few songs he had showed me, he seemed like a competent songwriter.

“What are you gonna sing?  You should sing one of your own pieces.”

“I don’t know yet.”

“How about ‘One Fine Spring Day’?  Or ‘Maybe Tomorrow’?  I really like those ones.”  Ryeowook shrugged and my eyebrows furrowed together slightly as I realized something.  “Wait a minute.  I don’t think I’ve actually heard you sing before.  I've read your song lyrics and everything, but I've never heard you sing them.”

“Yeah, you haven’t.  But you’re gonna hear me sing next week.”

“Can’t you sing something for me right now?  Just something really short.  I wanna hear what you sound like when you sing.  I think you’ve heard me sing before, right?  It’s only fair if I hear you sing too.  And since we both want to audition for SM one day, I really wanna see what you sound like.”

“You sounded like you were humming rather than singing.  And how does both of us wanting to audition relate to you wanting to hear me sing?  I sound like me.  But I’m singing.”  Ryeowook bit back a laugh and I ruffled his hair.  I shook my head in mock annoyance.

“Ryeowook, you cheeky little--”  We had reached our room by now and I had already opened the door when I sensed him stiffen next to me.  I frowned as I saw his shocked expression, and my eyes grew wide as I noticed that someone was already in the room.  She was sitting on my cot, her back to us.  Hearing us come in, she turned around.  My heart nearly stopped as I realized it was my mother who was sitting there.

“U-umma?”  Why was she here?  She finally decides to visit after two months?

“Sungmin!  How have you been doing?  And who’s your friend here?”  She smiled, but I immediately knew that something was wrong.  Her smile looked fake.  A rush of worry washed over me.  What had happened?

“Uh…”  Ryeowook swallowed nervously.  “I’m Sungmin-ssi’s roommate.  My name is Kim Ryeowook.  It’s nice to meet you.”  He bowed to her and she smiled in return.

“It’s nice to meet you too, Ryeowook-ssi.  By the way, I’m just curious, what were you saying about singing when you first came in?”

“Err…”  Ryeowook gulped again and looked at me for help.  I knew he wasn’t exactly comfortable around strangers.  But I was too busy staring at my mother to even notice.  She comes here after two months and the first thing she does is ask about Ryeowook instead of me?  I mean, it’s called being polite, I guess, but still…

“We’re having a talent show next week, one organized by some of the hospital staff.  Ryeowook was considering whether or not he should sing something,” I butted in without realizing it.

“Ah, I see.”  She nodded and smiled at Ryeowook.  “I’m sorry, Ryeowook-ssi, but could you please excuse me and my son for a few minutes?  I have something important to discuss with him today.”

Ryeowook looked a little startled but dipped his head to both me and my mother and started to head out the door.  He muttered something along the lines of ‘I’ll be in Sooyoung’s room if you need me’ before closing the door behind him softly.

“So, Sungmin.  How have you been doing?”  My mother’s voice snapped me back to attention and I turned to look at her.  Her fake smile was still there, but it seemed even faker than it had been a minute ago.  I bit my lip, unsure of what that was supposed to mean.

“Okay, I guess.  What about you?  Why haven't you visited me until now?”  I demanded.  “It’s been two months already.”

“Some issues with the company came up and I was busy,” she said simply, smoothing back her short, dark hair with one hand.  She sighed softly.

“Oh,” I said quietly.  To be honest, I hadn’t given much thought to my mother ever since I had arrived here.  But now that she was here for a visit, my head began filling with questions.  And doubts.  Was she implying that the company was more important to her than I was?  I was her son, right?  Yes, the company was important, but shouldn’t I come first?  My insides clenched.

“And besides, the fact that it’s been two months is exactly the reason I’m here right now,” she added in a matter-of-fact tone.

“What do you mean, Umma?”  I tilted my head to the side.  She beckoned me towards the cot and I sat down slowly.  She took a breath before speaking.

“Before I start, first things first.  If I heard you correctly, you and Ryeowook-ssi were talking about SM auditions.  Am I right?”  Her voice had become sterner and I flinched ever so slightly.

“Yeah.  But it was just wishful thinking.  That’s not really gonna happen,” I said nervously.  I remembered how opposed she had been the last time I had mentioned my personal dreams.

“Is it now?”  Her eyes narrowed.  “I got here earlier this morning and I talked to your psychiatrist, Sunny.  She told me that she’s overheard you and Ryeowook talking about singing careers on multiple occasions.  Both of you seem rather persistent.”

Lee Sunkyu, you little .  The next time I see you, I’m gonna slap you in the face, regardless of the consequences.  But I dug my nails into my palm and forced myself to remain expressionless as my mother continued to talk.

“Sungmin, we’ve talked about this before, haven’t we?”  She sighed heavily and fidgeted with her crocodile-skin handbag.  “You can’t chase after such impossible dreams.  You’re never going to be able to get into SM Entertainment, so just please give up.  Focus on what really matters.  Focus on your future, not some ridiculous fantasy.”

I flinched under her sharp gaze and her even sharper words, deeply hurt.  I was well aware that the chances of me actually getting into SM were slim, but that didn’t mean that she had to tear down my dreams every time I brought them up.

“But Umma--”

“Sunny has also given me a brief summary of your progress over the past two months.”  She looked at me as if she expected me to say something back, but what was I supposed to say?

“Okay.  Why are you bringing this up?”

She heaved another sigh, causing me to flinch.  It seemed like all my mother had done since she arrived here was sigh at me.  I flinched again at the thought of it.

“Why am I bringing this up?  Because this is about you, Sungmin.  You’re the reason why we’re in this mental hospital right now.  Sunny said that you’ve been making progress, but it’s not very much progress.  Why are you taking so long?”

I was stunned.

“T-taking so long to what?”

“To get over it.  You’ve been here for two months.  Two months,” she bit her lower lip.  And you’re still not over your depression?  You’re still not back to normal?”

“I--, I--”  You couldn’t just ‘get over’ depression.  Depression was an illness.  How was she not able to understand?  I balled my hands into fists by my side and she frowned at the action.

“Can’t you just stop being so depressed all the time?  It’s all in your head.  Can’t you just stop thinking such negative thoughts and pull yourself together or something?  There’s more important things at stake here.  Don’t forget that you still have to finish undergoing your training back at the company.  There’s only a matter of time before you become CEO.  You can’t afford to act like this all the time.”

I felt like I was going to explode.  There were tears running down my cheeks as I tried my best not to slap my own mother in the face.  How could she say something like this to me?  How?  I took a few deep breaths and tried to calm down.

“Why are you crying?  See?  You’re being like this again.  Don’t be like this, Sungmin.  Focus on what’s really important to you and stop acting like this.”

“Do you know what’s important to me?”  I blurted out before I could fully process my own words.  I stood up indignantly and backed away from her slowly.  “Do you even care about me at all and what I think is important to me?  The friends I have here are important to me.  My own dream career is important to me.  Umma, haven’t you ever thought about what I want, not just what you want?”  I glared at her, my breath hitching in my throat.  “I’ve told you this so many times.  I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t take the pressure of being a CEO.  I want to do the things I want to do.  I want to be a singer and a dancer one day.”

“Sungmin!”  She suddenly shouted, her shriek hurting my ears.  I jumped in surprise but continued to glare at her.

“Get that scowl off your face.  I’m only going to say this once.  I don’t want to repeat myself.  You don’t belong here.  Those people aren’t your friends, do you understand?  You’re not here to make friends, how many times do I have to tell you that?  You’re here to get over your mental illness.  You don’t belong here.  The only place you belong is at home.”

“I’m not supposed to stay locked up at home all the time!  No one’s supposed to live like that!”  I exploded.  “They're my friends!  They’ve been helping me!  The doctors don’t help me, so they’ve been helping me instead!  They’re the only ones who’ve helped me so far, and it’s working.  Why can’t you understand that?”

“Well, clearly they haven’t been helping you very much, seeing how deranged you look right now.  Maybe you’re just different from the other patients.  They seem normal, unlike you.  They have dreams in life.  They have goals they want to achieve, and they’re trying to work towards them.  Just like Ryeowook-ssi back there.”

“I have my own dreams too but--”

“No!”  She yelled.  “No, no, no!  I’ve told you already, your goal is not to become a singer!  Your goal is to become Samsung’s next CEO, whether you like it or not!”  She stood up in a huff and took a deep breath as she walked right past me and headed for the door.  “You need to change your attitude, Sungmin.  I’ll be back in another two months.  And I had better see significant improvement by then.”

I was on the verge of bursting into tears.  My mother’s gaze softened slightly but her lips remained pursed.

“This is for your own good, Sungmin, as I told you when you first came here.  The sooner you get out of here, the better.  Just maintain a positive attitude.  I understand that everyone feels down sometimes, but you can’t afford to do this.  You don’t belong here, and you need to snap out of it.  It’s not funny anymore.” She walked out the door without another word.

The tears had stopped.  I wasn’t just sad and angry anymore.  I was absolutely furious.  I wanted to murder someone.  Right here, right now.

“No, Sungmin, you can’t think like that now.  You’re just proving to yourself that she was right.  You really are insane.”

“But you’re not insane,” I said back to myself.  “You’re not insane.  There’s nothing wrong with being here.  She’s wrong.  She’s wrong about you and everyone else.”

“You know she’s not.  Just look at yourself.  You’re being pathetic right now.”

“I’m not ing pathetic,” I snarled, slamming my fist against the cot and causing it to creak loudly.

“Really now?  Take a look at yourself.  Look at the kind of person you are.  You don’t belong here.  You don’t belong here.  You don’t belong anywhere.”

“Stop it.  Please, just stop it.  I’m sick of this.  I can’t deal with you right now so just please go away.”

“Sungmin, listen to yourself.  You’re talking out loud to yourself like the complete idiot you are.  You’re insane, Lee Sungmin.  You really are insane.”

“No, I’m not!  I’m not insane!”  I half-snarled, half-whimpered.  “Stop it.  Just please stop.”

“What the are you doing?  I can’t go away.  I’m you.”

“B-b-but--”

“B-b-but--, b-b-ut look at how pathetic you’re being right now.  B-b-but-- B-b-but-- look what’s wrong with you.  You can’t even talk right.”

“STOP IT!”  I screamed at the top of my lungs, sinking to my knees and breaking down into tears.  “STOP IT!  YOU’RE NOT REAL!  YOU’RE NOT ING REAL!”

“What are you even saying right now?  There’s no one here, Sungmin.  It’s just you.  You don’t belong here.  I swear to God, you’ve gone absolutely insane.  Listen to yourself.  Nothing you’re saying is making sense.  What’s wrong with you?  You’re crying and shaking all over and you can’t think straight.  You’re talking to yourself, for ’s sake.  Seriously, what the is wrong with you?”  My chest was heaving and I curled up into a tiny ball on the ground.  I wanted to hide from the world.  I wanted to hide from myself.  I was terrified of what was happening.  My heart pounded and my breaths grew shorter and shorter.

“Make it stop.  Please, make it stop,” I whimpered.  “Please, I’ll do anything to make it stop.  Just-- just--”

“What do you want me to do to make it stop, Sungmin?  There’s nothing you can do.”

“Well, what if I die?  Will that help?”

“Sungmin, you ing idiot.”

“LEE SUNGMIN!”

“What’s happening to me right now?  I’m scared.  I’m really scared.  No one cares about me.  No one cares.  They just care about my career.  I don’t belong here.  I’m a horrible person.  I’m so stupid and careless and worthless and maybe everything would be better if I just died or something.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  I can’t do this anymore,” I sobbed.

I took a few ragged breaths of air in a desperate attempt to quell my words.  I couldn’t control myself anymore.  I frantically in great gulps of oxygen and tried to focus, but I couldn’t.  My eyes rolled in my head and my breaths grew faster and faster.  I sat up and put my head between my knees.  I rocked back and forth, trying to calm down but only becoming more and more hysterical by the second.  The tears streamed down my face faster and faster.

“Sungmin, please.  Please calm down.”

“Please.”

“Sungmin.”  It was a different voice this time.  I hugged my knees tighter and choked on my own breath.

“No.  No.  Please calm down.  Please stop.  Please make this stop.  I can’t do this anymore.”

“Sungmin.  Sungmin hyung,” the voice said more firmly.  Through eyes swimming with tears, I registered the blurry outline of Ryeowook, who was kneeling in front of me.

“Make it stop,” I begged.  I didn’t know who I was begging anymore.  Was it myself or Ryeowook?

“Sungmin.  Look at me.  Please look at me,” he said gently, looking me directly in the eyes.  I couldn’t make eye contact with him.  My eyes drifted off in different directions and refused to focus on one specific thing.

“Sungmin hyung.  Look at me.  Take a deep breath.  Just breathe in.  Trust me on this.  Just breathe.”  My eyes locked onto his warm brown ones and I hiccuped loudly.  My body was still shaking.

“Breathe in and breathe out.  Come on, Sungmin.  In and out.”  He kept his eyes on mine and took a deep breath.  “In… and out… in…“  I forced myself to breathe with him.  “And out… in… “  I in a huge mouthful of air.  “And out…”  I exhaled and swallowed the lump in my throat and tried my best to stop shaking.

We continued until my heart rate had gone down and my breaths became more even.  I was no longer crying, but there was a sinking feeling in my stomach.  I could breathe a little more easily now, but I still felt like I was suffocating.  What was wrong with me?  My entire body felt tired and heavy, and just wanted to curl up into a ball again so I didn’t have to deal with the world.  I was so sick of this.

Ryeowook was still looking at me with a perpetually concerned expression.

“Sungmin?  Do you need a hug?  What can I do to make you feel better?”

I just stared back at him, lacking the energy or the will to say anything in response.

“Is there anything I can do for you right now?”

My shoulders very slowly rose up and down and Ryeowook wrapped his arms around me, squeezing my body against his.  He rested his chin against my right shoulder and rubbed small circles around my back.

“Sungmin, does that help?”

I was too exhausted and numb to even react.  I blinked a few times, but I knew that he couldn’t see me.  Just then, the dinner bell rang, and Ryeowook turned back to look at me, chewing on his lip worriedly.

“Sungmin, find me during closure group, okay?  Please don’t do anything rash.  If you feel another panic attack or anything coming, just keep breathing in and out.  You’ll be fine, I promise.  You’ll be able to get through this, okay?”

I mustered the strength to give a weak nod, and Ryeowook squeezed me one last time before standing up and heading out the door.  A minute later, I pushed myself off the floor with my hands and staggered out the door after him.

I felt like a zombie.  Too drained, both physically and emotionally, to put any real effort into anything.  I ate my army stew and my bowl of rice so slowly it took me twice as long to finish.  For once, the food was more up to par today, but I was barely able to taste it.  I sat there and stared off into the distance, mechanically putting food into my mouth and forcing it down.  Heechul and a few of the others asked me what was wrong and whether or not I wanted to talk, but I just shook my head and continued to sit there, unable to focus.

When it was time for us to take our vitals, CL looked at me worriedly for the majority of the time but didn’t say anything.  When it was time for my session with Sunny, I put on the most normal expression I could manage so that she wouldn’t ask me questions.  My fake smiles must have worked because Sunny didn’t ask anything other from the usual questions.  Even though the daily questioning seemed to last an eternity, Sunny didn’t seem to suspect anything.  I was too spent to even remember how badly I wanted to rip out and strangle her with the bright pink scarf she was wearing around her neck.

Closure group was pretty much the same thing.  I talked, but only enough so that Onew wouldn’t suspect anything.  When it was finally over and Onew left us alone for the night, I dragged myself over to a couch in the corner of the room and collapsed on it.  Instantly, some of the others started to make their way over to me.

“Sungmin-ssi?  Did something happen earlier today?”  I registered CL’s voice, which was laced with unease.

“Do you want to talk about it?  Only if you want to, that is.”  Sooyoung sounded just as concerned as CL did.

“Is there anything we can do to help you right now?”  Kris asked in his characteristically accented Korean.

I felt a small surge of gratitude for all of these people.  The people who actually cared enough me, regardless of who I was.  Then I remembered what my mother had said and tears began to fill my eyes.  I glanced down to hide my face from the others.  You don’t belong here.  Those people aren’t your friends, do you understand?  My lower lip began to tremble as my vision became more and more bleary.

“Hey, I can take care of this,” I heard a quiet voice.  I slowly tilted my head up to see Ryeowook before me, his eyes soft.  The others slowly went back to what they were doing.  “Sungmin, how are you feeling right now?”

A small sigh escaped my mouth and I just stared back at him weakly.  Ryeowook waited patiently for a response, but I had nothing to say.  Wordlessly, he sat down next to me on the couch and put his arms around me again.  We stayed that way until the social workers came to give us our night meds.

“Come on, Sungmin,” Ryeowook said when we had to go up and get them.  “They’re gonna yell at us if we don’t take them.  I know that I always say that pills are never good for you because they’re only good for helping you with basic tasks and they don’t make you happier or anything, but right now they might help you function a bit better.”  He gently pushed me off him and went to get his own.  I watched him go and got up as well, trailing behind him slowly.  We both got our ziploc bags filled with pills and went back to the couch.

I didn’t open mine immediately and watched the others instead.  Everyone was talking and laughing among themselves and I suddenly felt very alone, even though I was in a room filled with friends.  My mother’s words repeated themselves in my head and I bit my lip.  Hard.  I turned back and looked at Ryeowook.  On any other night, we wouldn’t be isolated in a corner.  We would be talking with the others.  Ryeowook probably wanted to talk with the others, didn’t he?  I was holding him back.  I watched as he popped open a capsule of pills and put two of them in his mouth, swallowing them effortlessly.

A thought entered my head.  Was I being a burden to Ryeowook?  Was I being a burden to everyone?  Because I was certainly a burden to my mother and everyone else in the company.  I felt horrible again as I watched Ryeowook take his other pills.

Maybe it would be better if you just took all of your pills at once.  You nearly succeeded the last time you took that bottle of aspirin.  It was just bad luck that Umma found you and rushed you to the hospital before the pills could finish their work.  Maybe this time--

“Sungmin?”  I suddenly heard.  “How are you feeling?  You look like you’re about to start crying again.”

“I’m sorry,” I answered automatically in a small voice.  I’m sorry for being such a huge burden.  I’m sorry for existing.  I remembered what I had been thinking about earlier this afternoon.  Maybe everything would be better if I just died or something.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for.”  Ryeowook raised his eyebrows in mild surprise.

I didn’t answer and just continued staring at the bag of medication on my lap.  Sungmin, you can’t think like that.  Stop it.

But you really are a burden… life is hard enough for you and nobody seems to want you anyways.  Your own mother thinks you’re worthless.

“Sungmin?”  I heard for the second time.  “What are you thinking about?”

I was too caught up in my thoughts to say anything in response or even move to indicate that I had heard him.  The longer I stared at the bag of meds, the more bleary my eyes became.  A tear trickled down my cheek and landed on the bag.  I heard a small gasp from Ryeowook.

“Wait a minute… Sungmin, are you--”  He suddenly snatched the bag away from me and I blinked in surprise.

“Huh?”  I said, my voice weak and tired-sounding.

“Please don’t tell me you’re thinking about…”  It was as if he could read my mind.  I didn’t move a muscle, but Ryeowook stared at me for a few seconds, wide eyed.  “Sungmin, don’t.  Please don’t think about what I think you’re thinking about right now.”  He opened my ziploc bag for me, took out the appropriate number of pills, and closed the bag and put it on the other side of the couch, out of my reach.  He held them out to me.  “Don’t even think about taking more, is that understood?”  I didn’t say anything in response and popped the pills in my mouth without a word.

“Alright, everyone!  It’s eleven o’clock, and do you know what that means?  It’s time for all of us to go to sleep now!”  Onew’s enthusiastic, booming voice drowned out everyone else’s conversations and the others slowly got up, returned their ziploc bags containing the rest of their medication to the waiting social workers, and began making their way back to their rooms.  I headed down the hall, my footsteps heavy.  Ryeowook caught up beside me and we walked back together.  I barely paid any attention to him.  Instead, my mind kept drifting back to the numerous bags of medication.  An overdose of any one of those pills would surely do the job.  We all headed into the bathrooms to wash up and get ready for bed.

When we came out, I sighed softly and headed straight to my room, Ryeowook still following me closely.  Without even changing into my pajamas, I climbed straight into my cot and lay my head on the pillow, letting out another sigh.  I closed my eyes.  A few moments later, I heard Ryeowook changing and getting into his own cot.  The lights went out after a couple of social workers went around to check that we were all in bed.

“Sungmin hyung?”  I heard Ryeowook’s soft voice coming from his side of the room.  “Please talk to me.  If you need help, just please talk to me.”

I was silent.

“Hyung, please?  I want you to talk to me about your problems.”

“But I don’t want to continue being such a burden to you,” I whispered at last, my voice just barely audible.

“Why would you think you’re a burden?  You’ve never thought that before.  Sungmin, we both promised each other that we would talk to each other if we were ever struggling with something.  I want you to talk to me about whatever’s bothering you.  Something must be bothering you, right?  I’ve never seen you this upset before.”

More silence.

“What is it?  Does it have anything to do with your mother by any chance?”

I suddenly hiccuped rather loudly as more tears slid down my cheeks.  I had to tell someone.  I couldn’t stand not having anyone else know.  Without even pausing to consider the consequences, I began pouring out everything to him in between hiccups and rattling breaths.  It took ten minutes to tell him the entire story.

By the time I finally stopped talking, my face was drenched in tears and Ryeowook was silent.  I slowly turned my head to see the outline of Ryeowook’s figure, illuminated the lights from down the hallway.

“No offense, but your mother’s an egotistical, ignorant .  Actually no, I take that back.  That was supposed to be offensive.  Very offensive,” he said in a dangerously quiet voice.

“Mmm,” I closed my eyes, taking a shuddering breath in an attempt to stop crying.  I wiped at my eyes with my sleeve.

“She’s so ing ignorant.  Does she not care how-- my God, can’t she--”  I saw Ryeowook grind his teeth together angrily and stiffen underneath his covers.  He sighed softly and saw that I was watching him.  “Hey.  Come here.”

I frowned, not understanding.

“What?”

“As in get into my cot.”

My eyebrows furrowed together and I wiped my remaining tears away.

“Why?”

“You look and sound really upset right now.  It’s okay to be sad like this once in a while, but that doesn’t mean I like seeing you sad.”

“Okay, but that doesn’t mean you have to sleep with me.  Why would you do that?”

“Because it’s been proven that skinship helps people with depression, and people in general.  It’s skinship.  Nothing more.”

The idea of sleeping with Ryeowook felt very strange to me, but I didn’t want to see him sad because of the fact that I was upset.  So I got up from my cot and slowly made my way across the room to his.  Before I did, I arranged my pillow and my blankets in a way that made it seem like I was sleeping under the covers.

“Relax.  Don’t think of it as something hugely important or anything.”  His words reminded me a little of Minah’s.  Slowly, I climbed into his cot and settled my body on the edge of his cot.

“Like that?”

“Hey, I don’t bite.  You can come a little closer if you want.”

I made a face but scooted closer to him.  As soon as I was close enough, Ryeowook’s arms instinctively tugged me even closer so that we were pressed tightly together.  He rested his chin on top of my head and adjusted himself so my head was against his chest.

“Ryeowook, what are you doing?”  I asked a bit nervously.  It was strange for me to be sleeping with someone.  I didn’t remember ever doing that with anyone, not even Sungjin.

“Cuddling you.  It really does work, trust me.”

“It’s still weird for two straight guys to be sleeping in the same bed.”

“It’s just skinship, I promise.  I’m not gonna do anything you’re uncomfortable with.  If you want me to stop, then just tell me, okay?”

I nodded.  Bit by bit, I let myself relax in Ryeowook’s embrace.  As the minutes passed by, he started to get a little more intimate: running his fingers through my hair, tracing intricate patterns on my upper arms.

I really liked it.  He didn’t smell like the hospital itself.  He smelled like laundry soap and vanilla and everything that reminded me of home.  The way he was holding me so closely gave me a strong sense of security.  I could feel his heart beating a slow, steady rhythm.  Gradually, the sadness that had built up in me earlier on started to dissipate.  I wasn’t exactly happy, but I was certainly a lot calmer and a lot less stressed than I was before.

A little while later, the nurses passed by to check on us.  When they did, Ryeowook curled around me protectively and didn’t loosen up until their footsteps had disappeared down the hallway.  A small smile spread across my face as I slowly allowed myself to bury my face against the crook of his neck.

“How come they didn’t notice that I wasn’t in my own bed?”  I asked, my voice muffled against his skin.

“Because they don’t look very carefully.  They never do.”

“Does that mean I can stay here the rest of the night?”  I asked impulsively.  Ryeowook bit back a small chuckle.

“Does that mean you like cuddling with me?”

I nodded, my eyes closed.

“It’s nice here,” I said quietly.  I felt Ryeowook smile as he pressed his lips to my forehead again.  We were quiet for a few minutes before I felt him adjust his position.

“Sungmin?  When was the last time someone told you they loved you?”

My head jerked up, nearly hitting Ryeowook in the jaw.  He made a face.

“Wait, what?”  His question had caught me by surprise.

“I said, when was the last time someone told you they loved you?”

“Well, I--”  I ran through my thoughts but stiffened up as I realized I couldn’t remember.  No… that wasn’t possible… my mother must have told me at one point.  Sungjin used to tell me that a lot, but I didn’t remember the last time he had said that to me.  Who else had… there must have been someone.  I frowned.

“It’s no big deal.  It’s just that I feel like everyone should feel loved by someone, no matter who they are.  Everyone deserves a chance at love.”

“Uh… what do you mean?  What kind of love are you talking about?”  I flinched away slightly but I saw Ryeowook roll his eyes in exasperation.  He pulled me back against him.

“Does it matter?  Love is love.  It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s between lovers or friends or family or anyone or anything else.”

I thought about it for a few seconds before nodding.  It made sense to me.

“And since you can’t remember the last time someone said they loved you, I guess I’ll say it.  I love you, Sungmin hyung.  You’re a really good friend and I like being around you and I don’t ever want you to kill or hurt yourself because you mean a lot to me and I don’t want to see you upset.”  He gave me a small squeeze and rested his head against mine.  “I know you’re an insomniac like me, but try to get some sleep.  I heard that cuddling also helps people sleep more easily.  Good night, Sungmin.”

I felt my insides warming up as he said those words.  No, I didn’t get that tingly feeling people get when they're in love with someone.  No, my heart rate didn’t speed up or change in any way.  It wasn’t anything like that.  I just felt at peace.  I felt safe and happy in Ryeowook’s arms.  I felt like I mattered in this world, even if I only mattered to one person.

“I love you too, Ryeowook,” I mumbled before I drifted off to sleep.

Hi my readers/subscribers ^^ here's an extra long chapter that'll hopefully make up for the fact that I don't exactly update this story often... I'm really hoping to get this story finished soon though, so I'll try my best to update more often ^^

We fail... we lose... to win... don't be afraid... LOL I attempted to discreetly insert the lyrics to y Free and Single here XD

Please comment, subscribe, and upvote if you haven't already, and have a lovely day everyone ^^