Jinyoung jolted as his eyes snapped open, groaning at the dull pain spreading from his neck to shoulders. He frowned, momentarily confused of his awkward sleeping position – neck craned over his sprawled arms, waist bent uncomfortably, and his threatening to slip off the edge of the chair. Then, he remembered he wasn’t at home. As his eyes gradually adjusted to the bright light filtering through the blinds, his blur vision focused on the dash of red right in front of him, and he sat up.

Mark was still sleeping soundly, and thankfully, still breathing. It all still felt surreal, how just two nights ago, Mark was cold and unconscious in his arms and now, in peaceful slumber before his eyes.

“It’s fortunate that you found him and brought him here immediately. If he was there till morning, there would be…” The doctor paused and sighed, causing Jinyoung to hold his breath in more fear than he had ever felt. He pushed his silver-rimmed glasses up with a single finger and pressed his lips together hesitantly, then finally continued, “severe health implications.”

Jinyoung had said nothing. Even after the doctor patted his shoulder, assured him that Mark would be fine and walked away, he stood rooted, unmoving, his spiritless eyes trained onto the tiles of the hospital floor. The tessellated tiles stretched across the long corridor, clean to the point of being spotless, and so white that it was just a blanket of nothingness, just like what was going on in Jinyoung’s mind then – nothing. He was too shaken; he didn’t know how to feel and what to think.

The doctor hadn’t mentioned exactly what severe health implications Mark could have suffered from, and he did not want to know. All he needed to know was that he personally felt how the cold from Mark’s icy, drenched skin fight the searing heat from his fever, the cutthroat battle taking a toll on his frail body. One second late, just one second, and the poor redhead’s soul could have given up. 

It could have given up and left his body. And then Mark would… Jinyoung shook his head violently in hopes of tossing all negative thoughts away, but they clung on like pests. Mark was okay now, and he was slightly relieved, but the incident only taught him one thing: Mark was important to him, too important.

Jinyoung stood up and stretched his back, throwing his arms back as he yawned. It had been a tiring week and too much had happened. After downing the glass of water he poured for himself, he shuffled back to the hospital bed, settling himself by sitting – as gently and slowly as he could – beside Mark. He leaned forward and studied the boy. He always looked so beautiful when he was sleeping, his hair still fluffy against the pillow his head sunk into, his skinny frame curled to one side as if in protection of itself and his full lips slightly parted. If Mark were to ever leave him, as much as the thought irked Jinyoung, he knew that he would at least remember every contour of his face, each line and curve fresh in his memory.

He figured he was often too drawn to Mark’s soulful eyes and the surprises they bring along – the sparkle when he smiled, the quiver when he was about to cry, the hardness when he was angry – as he never really noticed how long and thick Mark’s eyelashes were before. Jinyoung wanted to run his fingers over those lashes. He could bet they were as soft as silk, light as a feather. The sunlight that crept through the window fell over those lashes and made them glisten so that from the correct angle, they looked almost white. He wanted to kiss each one of his eyelids and feel those lovely lashes tickle his lips…

Wait, what? Jinyoung’s eyes widened as he sat upright. What was I thinking? . It wasn’t the first time Jinyoung had wanted to touch Mark in… ways unusual of behaviour between normal friends. He recalled the countless number of times he hugged Mark out of impulse. He recalled when he uncontrollably leaned towards the redhead the first time he slept over – if Mark hadn’t opened his eyes, their lips would have met. He recalled how abnormally nervous and excited he felt when he kissed Mark on his temple during the campfire. Those touches on his precious hands – guilty touches – and the way his heart fluttered when their hips come in contact during bus rides together; why did he enjoy them so much to the point of him yearning for more?

Sure, he liked Mark. But just as a friend, his inner conscience chided. Yesterday, he said he wouldn’t ever need a girlfriend. It was still true, for he never really wanted to get into a relationship. He was almost completely sure that all he needed was friendship, from Mark, JB and the boys from camp and school. The physical intimacy he longed for was normal, just what friends have, wasn’t it?

Jinyoung tried hard to ignore the annoyingly honest voice in his head that was nagging about how he would never want to hold JB’s hand or waist. Kissing JB… eww gross, he cringed at the thought. They were best friends, undeniably, but Jinyoung never wanted to touch him, at least not in the way he felt with Mark. He wouldn’t even mind if he left for Antarctica for a year – cut that, make it ten years. It would be one less person to irritate him daily, one less person to harp to him about his “obvious love” towards Mark. 

It wasn’t that Jinyoung was homophobic; he embraced all of JB’s relationships and hardly minded even when they (shamelessly) made out in the same room as him. He just didn’t expect he would be the same, but JB never failed to insist that he was ever since Mark’s appearance. He also didn’t mind if he liked boys – there was nothing remotely wrong about that – but the thought of having a relationship scared him less.

His fear of commitment to relationships was because of his fear of separation. Call him clingy and over-dependent, but if there was one thing he would never want to face, it would be having to live alone with no friends and family. The fear was so real when he carried Mark to the hospital, he could feel it biting into his bones. If he really liked Mark, and if they really got together, he would be devastated if they broke up and he left him. He would be emotionally bankrupt, lifeless and dying. 

~~~~~

Mark stared at Jinyoung, who looked like he was about to crack his head from thinking about something. It had been almost two minutes, and Mark had tried to gain his attention by staring at him. Usually, Jinyoung would be quick to feel the weight of his stare on him and turn to Mark almost instantaneously. This time, Mark felt like his eyes were already stinging and if he were to stare a bit harder, he would burn two holes in Jinyoung’s face.

“Jinyoung?” He whispered carefully, poking the dazed boy in his thigh. He frowned when he received no reaction. Raising his voice slightly, he tried again, “Jinyoung ah, hello? Hello?” No reaction.

Mark pouted as he failed to get Jinyoung’s attention. He didn’t want to disturb his thoughts; whatever it is, it must be extraordinarily important because there seemed to be an intense debate going on in his head that blocked his five senses. Sighing, he snuggled closer to Jinyoung’s thigh and pressed his face into the warmth of his body, wrapping his arms tightly around his waist.

The next thing he knew, he was flung to the other end of the bed as Jinyoung jerked violently and stood up, wide-eyed. Mark whimpered at the impact of the force, then blinked his eyes repeatedly, perplexed and mildly shocked. Jinyoung staggered backwards, right into the chair behind him, causing him to trip and topple it over, sending the contents of the ped bag previously sitting on it rolling across the floor. As he landed on the floor with a deafeningly loud thud, he seemed to snap out of his stupor, his jaw dropped as he assessed the mess he made.

“Jinyoung! Are you okay?” Mark exclaimed, startled at Jinyoung’s crash landing onto the hard floor. He climbed off his bed to approach the fallen boy, but the sudden rush of blood to his feet induced a temporal black out and loss of sight, causing him to fall right back onto the bed.

“Mark!” Jinyoung stumbled towards the redhead frantically, holding him by the side of his arms as he rattled non-stop about how sorry he was. As Mark recovered, he noticed how distracted Jinyoung appeared. The usual fixated gaze he had was gone, and Jinyoung’s eyes were darting everywhere but he never once looked at Mark. However, he held no second thoughts about it, and smiled as he reassured Jinyoung that he was fine.

“Are you alright though?” he asked, casually and gently patting Jinyoung’s to soothe the pain from the fall. It wasn’t an action particularly special to Mark, but Jinyoung flinched, visibly unnerved, and scooted away quickly. “I’m fine,” he mumbled, almost inaudibly. Mark tilted his head and furrowed his eyebrows. Something is wrong, he could sense it and feel it in his gut. Jinyoung wasn’t acting normal, and it worried him. Had something happened?

“Are you really okay?” Mark tried again, probing further. “You seem a little… off today.” His voice was laced with concern, and he bit his bottom lip as he waited for Jinyoung’s reply. The still silence finally broke after seconds, but the raven-haired boy remained back-facing Mark. With an uncertain, shaky tone, he replied. “I’m fine. I’m just–” Jinyoung paused and Mark could see him take a deep breath from the rise and fall of his shoulders, “–tired I guess. Don’t worry.”

With that, Jinyoung busied himself with picking up the fallen items off the floor, trying in vain not to make eye contact with Mark.

~~~~~

It had been two long and arduous hours since Mark had woken up. He had changed out of the hospital clothes and had his breakfast, but he wasn’t feeling too thrilled about getting discharged. As ironic as it sounds, Mark enjoyed his stay at the hospital. He absolutely abhorred the overpowering smell of medicine and antiseptic, and he wasn’t too keen of the bland and unappetizing food served in tin containers. What he liked, however, was how he could receive Jinyoung’s full attention and was showered with utmost care. Spending ten hours a day with Jinyoung in school was great, but spending twenty-four hours a day with him was even better. He loved Jinyoung’s company so much, he dreaded how seconds lasted only seconds.

However, Jinyoung didn’t seem to be in a good mood at all. Mark was dying to talk to him, to hear his hearty laughter and sweet voice, but Jinyoung seemed to be caught up with the hospital paperwork and after that, engaged with something on his mobile phone. When he finally put down the device, Mark promptly tugged on the sleeve of Jinyoung’s sweater and pouted as he pushed Jinyoung’s arm with the side of his head playfully.

“Jinyoungieeeeeeee…” he whined cutely in an attempt to win Jinyoung’s attention. Jinyoung briefly glanced at Mark and upon seeing his adorable appearance, his breath hitched. Clenching his fists, he opened his mouth to say something but no words came out.

“Kids! Ready to go?” A loud voice was heard in a short distance and both boys looked up simultaneously to come face to face with Mr Park striding towards them. Mark could feel Jinyoung let out a sigh before he stood up to greet the elder man. Contrary to Jinyoung, Mr Park seemed pretty jolly, perhaps glad to bring Mark home. “The car’s ready! Bet you two can’t wait to go home and have a taste of master chef’s splendid dishes!”

“What master chef?” Mark squinted his eyes suspiciously at his old companion and asked in an accusatory tone. “Did you make new friends again and bring them home while I’m gone?”

Mr Park smirked and bent forward so that he was at eye level with Mark. Bringing his hand to shield his mouth as if he was telling the world’s greatest secret, he whispered, “I’m the master chef,” then chuckled, looking very pleased at himself.

Mark took a moment to react, then snorted and rolled his eyes. Ridiculous, he thought, but he was happy that Mr Park was there, his whimsical and absurd behaviour making him feel back at home. “Jinyoungie, race you to the car!” Mark piped, then scampered off before Mr Park could scream his lungs off at him to remind him that he was just discharged. The older man let out a huge sigh; he swore that Mark had been growing backwards mentally since he started public school. “Come on, Jinyoung, let’s all grab that sneaky lil’–”

“I’m not going, Mr Park,” Jinyoung interrupted, then faltered slightly as the elder man turned around in surprise and threw him a questioning look. Jinyoung usually loved hanging out at their place, and he assumed that that hadn’t changed that day. Yet, Jinyoung lowered his head apologetically and explained, “I’m sorry I won’t get to try your dishes but…” he paused to rummage his head for an appropriate excuse. “But I’m really tired and I think I want to see my parents. It’s been almost a week and I don’t want them to worry about me.”

Mr Park nodded thoughtfully, then asked again to make sure. “Are you sure? I can give you a ride home though!” Jinyoung nodded, refused the offer, mumbled his last apology and bid him goodbye, before walking off. Mr Park watched him until he disappeared around the corner, then jogged off in the opposite direction to find Mark.

~~~~~

Mark was getting impatient. What’s taking them so long? He wondered, pouting as he leaned against the car door. “Mark! Mark!” A breathless voice echoed from the other end of the carpark and he cocked his head in response to his name. To his disappointment, it was Mr Park hobbling towards him, panting profusely as he wiped the perspiration off his forehead. Mark couldn’t believe Jinyoung was slower than ol’ Mr Park. He pursed his lips and tiptoed to look over Mr Park’s shoulder, in hopes of seeing Jinyoung approaching them, but the carpark was quiet except for Mr Park’s heavy breaths.

“Let’s go, Mark,” Mr Park prodded the redhead with his elbow when he eventually caught his breath. Mark’s face crumpled, obviously confused. “Where’s Jinyoung?” he asked, furrowing his eyebrows. Mr Park hopped onto the driver’s seat and started the engine as he stated, “He’s not coming over; he has to go home. Get in the car, Mark, master chef’s food waits for no one!”

Why didn’t he tell me then? Mark frowned as he reluctantly got into the car, his gaze lingering at the door to the carpark, harbouring hope that Jinyoung would somehow come running towards the car.

He never did.

~~~~~

“I swear, you are paying for my coffee for dragging me out and interrupting my precious sleep!” JB demanded and grumbled lividly as his best friend pushed him down on the chair. “I will pay! Now, will you stop complaining?” Jinyoung growled, exasperated. “And it’s flippin’ 4 o’clock in the afternoon. You shouldn’t be sleeping!”

Once Jinyoung stepped out of the hospital, he wasted no time in calling JB. He needed to clarify his emotions, and he figured he would rather worry his best friend than his parents. After a painful wait of at least ten missed calls, JB finally picked up his phone, sounding groggy from his afternoon nap. Jinyoung had to use the taboo word – “Youngjae” – to fully snap his friend out of sleep coma. It was mean, he knew, but he was desperate to talk to somebody.

Now, they were in Starbucks, anxious expression to listless annoyance, piping hot cappuccino in front of JB and just fidgety fingers in front of Jinyoung. That pint-sized cup of coffee was daylight robbery, but Jinyoung didn’t want to risk running into Mark in their usual hangout spot. It was a small price to pay for lying.

JB stirred his coffee languidly as he observed Jinyoung fight himself mentally. It was obvious something was bothering him. “So, what’s the problem?” he sighed, then looked at Jinyoung expectantly.

The raven-haired boy bored his eyes into his best friend’s, causing him to gulp out of nervousness. “How do you feel when I look at you like that?” Jinyoung asked, genuinely curious. His gaze was, however, too intense for JB as he leaned back instinctively, bringing his hand in front of his face in defense. He raised his eyebrows at the unwavering boy, “uhm, are you feeling alright? You’re acting weird.”

“I’m fine. Can you just answer my question?” Jinyoung pestered, never once taking his eyes off JB’s. JB averted his gaze. “I feel weird,” he said. “You’re weird.”

“Weird in a good way? Or bad way?”

“Bad,” JB looked at Jinyoung incredulously. “Definitely bad.”

“So, you don’t feel like kissing me when I look at you like that?” Jinyoung pondered out loud, his eyebrows knitted in deep thought.

“WHAT?! Of course not!” JB shrieked, his loud voice resonating in the entire café. As he felt the dozens of eyes shift their attention to him, his ears turned red and he continued in an aggressive but hushed tone. “Are you crazy, Jinyoung? Why would I want to… kiss you?”

Jinyoung rested his chin on his palm as he looked at his shocked best friend, perplexed. “So it’s not normal to want to kiss your good friend?” JB shot him a glare agitatedly and mouthed duh, but Jinyoung was relentless. “Is it because you don’t find me attractive? I mean, I thought I didn’t feel like that with you because you’re way unattractive.”

“Yah!” JB snapped. He took a deep breath and raised his cup to take a sip of cappuccino. Jinyoung’s behaviour was particularly outlandish, and the boy was fortunate that he was still exhausted from the camping trip, or he might have already broken his neck.

He adjusted his glasses as he said, “firstly, I am a hell lot more attractive than you.” Jinyoung rolled his eyes, opening his mouth to speak only to be stopped by JB. “Secondly, what the heck is wrong with you, Jinyoung? Of course it isn’t normal for you to want to… kiss a friend!” He spluttered at the end of the sentence, still in disbelief of what he had heard.

Jinyoung sighed upon hearing what JB had to say. As he had expected, it wasn’t normal. He laughed defeatedly, of course it’s not normal. And that just means that I like Mark. He slumped his shoulders and ran his fingers through his hair, shutting his eyes in an attempt to swallow the truth.

“Is this about Mark?” JB asked, and Jinyoung raised his head and widened his eyes. JB concluded, “it’s about Mark. Why am I surprised?”

“So, you think…?”

“I haven’t changed my opinion. I still think you like him. The way you look at him is disgusting,” JB shivered at the memory, then clarified when Jinyoung frowned. “Don’t get me wrong. I mean disgustingly… loving, like I could see you guys sending hearts to each other through your gazes. I never thought this day would come to you, so it’s just gross.”

Jinyoung ignored the hostile words and asked, unable to ignore that tugging feeling in his gut, “so what does it mean when I feel like, you know, touching him all the time?” JB’s jaw dropped and Jinyoung caught a glint of fear in his eyes. “I mean, I want to be more physically intimate with him. I just want to hold him, hug him, and sometimes when I look at his lips I just want to –”

“Kiss him?” JB completed the sentence for Jinyoung, and the latter nodded vigorously, turning red. Jinyoung bit his lip and looked at JB pleadingly, for an answer.

“You love him,” JB affirmed, a slight smile creeping up his face. Jinyoung’s stomach flipped. “I mean, it’s more than longing for physical intimacy,” JB continued. “I witnessed how you get so affected by everything he says. I saw how jealous you got when Jackson hit on him. And I felt your worry when he was in the hospital. You love him, Jinyoung ah. Why can’t you admit it?”

Jinyoung threw back his head and groaned. “It’s not that I don’t admit it. I think it’s pretty clear now that I really really really like him. I just don’t know what to do about it.”

“Tell him.”

“But I can’t!”

“Why not?” JB sighed. “Nothing could go wrong!”

Jinyoung protested, flailing his arms as he retorted, “everything could go wrong! What if he doesn’t like me back? Will that be the end of our friendship? And what if he happens to like me and we got together? But we broke up? I can’t lose him, hyung, I really can’t!”

“That’s not the way it is, Jinyoung.” JB shook his head. “Being in a relationship is a leap of faith on both sides. If you are fearful, it means you aren’t sure enough. But I know you love him, Jinyoung. You just need to be sure of your own feelings.” Jinyoung stared at his own hands and played with his fingernails, while JB continued. “Confessing is courage on your part. You have to find the courage somehow, and tell him, or you will definitely regret.”

“Did you perhaps…” Jinyoung cleared his throat and asked JB timidly. “Did you, perhaps, ever regret confessing to Youngjae?” Once the question was spilled, he squeezed his eyes shut and prepared himself to get hit by JB, but the blow never came.

“No,” was all he said. “Not at all.”

~~~~~

Mark unlocked his phone for the thousandth time and sighed. He didn’t want to call Jinyoung in case he was asleep, because from what he heard from Mr Park, the boy was exhausted and went home to rest. He shouldn’t be selfish and disturb him simply because he was bored. Stretching his back while he let out a loud yawn, he got up from his bed and sauntered to the living room.

“Hey young man, why are you out of bed? You should be resting!” Mr Park exclaimed dramatically, dropping the dishes in a split second before running towards Mark to help him down the steps.

“I’m fine, you know? It’s not like I almost died back there,” Mark murmured as he plopped onto the sofa, grabbed the remote control and switched on the television. Soda commercials… boring. Mr Park huffed, “well, I was just trying to help.”

Mark sighed. He wanted to do something, anything, but Mr Park insisted that he had not fully recovered and wanted him to rest, disallowing him to step out of the house. He even locked up Mark’s cello and asserted that practising the cello would be “too mentally exhausting” for proper recovery.

As Mr Park disappeared into the laundry room, the only thing alive in the room was the ticking clock and the dull buzz from the television. Mark was no different from a corpse enclosed in a coffin and buried in his grave, tied down and lifeless.

So, when his phone rang, he felt like he just heard the most beautiful sound in the world and his face lit up instantaneously. He was almost a hundred percent positive that it was Jinyoung calling because he hardly contacted anyone else by phone, but unexpectedly, it was an unknown number.

Mark hesitated before he eventually swiped his phone screen to answer the call. “Hello?” You are?” he asked in a small voice.

A familiar, thick voice broke the short stretch of silence over the line. “Mark? Uhm hi, it’s me.”

♥ ♥ ♥ 

Hello dear readers, I'm back. After forever. Yes, I know I say that every chapter but ahhh I okay? Am always so slow when it comes to updating (you know, school and lots of other crap). For the few who are still sticking with this story, I really appreciate it and am very thankful for the support!! If you guys are gone, I'll probably not want to continue this anymore too. :/ So yes I love you guys a lot ♥ 

Am looking forward to seeing more subscribes, comments and upvotes! (only if you really like it, else feel free to feedback!) And I hope you guys would enjoy this chapter even though the bulk of you are about to shoot me because they haven't confessed yet. 

Also, if you haven't already read my Markjin one-shot, here's the link: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger ^~^