I FINISHED EARLIER THAN EXPECTED! /CHEERS/ T^T

this chapter is long like reaaaaaaaaaaaaallllyy long and i sincerely hope you guys don’t fall asleep in the middle of this. ;__;

“Like an idiot, why did I let you go?”

Chanyeol is not really sure about something that always pushes him to stop by Baekhyun’s house every morning on his ride to the office when he perfectly knows that the smaller man is not there anymore. Perhaps it is his teeny weeny childish belief in miracles, perhaps it is the sliver of hope he has been holding tight that Baekhyun will come back home soon because he cannot not miss me since we have been best friends for ages, or perhaps it is his great despair of what did I do wrong to you, Baekhyun? that always lures him to visit the empty house on daily basis.

He first found out about Baekhyun’s sudden missing on the last New Year Eve. That night, he eagerly drove his way to his best friend’s house, dressed in his casual winter clothes the latter likes so much with the thought of celebrating new year together and explaining about his messed up movie date with Luhan… only to find the spacious place empty.

If it were the usual emptiness like what he sometimes found when he came at the wrong time (meaning he visited Baekhyun when his best friend was out with his father for business dinner or something like that), then he would be okay—he would just send a message to Baekhyun saying that he stopped by or he would just go back to his house without any negative feeling.

But, no, the pitch black house automatically sent shivers down his spine in a heartbeat at that moment.

When Chanyeol unlocked Baekhyun’s front door using his own spare key (he actually had a bad feeling already knowing the front door was locked and not even one single light was ), he was greeted by emptiness, one that immediately made his heart drop to the pit of his stomach. He tried calling Baekhyun’s name seven times, each one causing his heart to beat faster and thump harder, but his ears heard nothing other than the ticking of the clock hanging on the wall of the dark living room and the echo of his voice.

The words negative thinking will only destroy you Baekhyun would always say whenever Chanyeol got some insecurities rang loudly in the tall man’s head, but it seemed like nothing could ease away the dreading feeling in his heart. The unpleasant feeling was too much.

And right now Chanyeol is sitting on the edge of Baekhyun’s neat, fluffy bed, just blankly staring at the wall in front of him with moist eyes. His heart aches, but the tears just will not fall because he is too clueless and confused about what is happening to him—as usual, as expected.

But most of all, if there is anything to perfectly describe what Chanyeol is currently feeling, that would be lost and hurt. Lost, for he has no idea how to cope up with his new life without a particular Byun Baekhyun in it, and hurt, for he feels betrayed that his best friend did not trust him enough to tell that he was leaving.

He knows Baekhyun went—moved to London for good to live with his mother there. He figured it out after barging into the house again on the fourth day after Baekhyun left and asking Yeri, Mr. Byun’s youngest maid who comes to Baekhyun’s house once a week to clean up all the rooms. Yeri, who was sweeping the marble floor of the living room, innocently told Chanyeol everything about her master’s departure to London but she left out the main reason which was Baekbeom’s sickness, as requested by Baekhyun in case his best friend asked, in which Chanyeol really did.

Therefore, Chanyeol was all heartbroken upon discovering the truth that his best friend abandoned him—he still is—without knowing the full story.

The black digital clock sitting on Baekhyun’s bedside table now shows ten forty two in the morning, which means Chanyeol is supposed to be in his office, going through his special internship as usual. He is supposed to be sitting in the meeting room on the eleventh floor, listening to whatever it is that his mentor explains to him while reading sheets of financial report. He is supposed to have his attention solely focused on the business case he role-plays everyday with his mentor.

But he is not doing any of them now.

Chanyeol is simply staring at one side of Baekhyun’s walls of his bedroom. The wall he is staring at is not just any ordinary wall, though; that wall is what Baekhyun calls as the wall of memories. Stuck there covering the once sky blue colored wall are photos of him and the people he is close to—his parents, his big family, Sehun, and of course… Chanyeol. The black haired man remembers the photos were taken randomly and first stuck there by him a few years ago with the excuse of you need a daily reminder of people who always support you most, princess in which Baekhyun only replied with I think you need it more. Nonetheless, he remembers Baekhyun giving him one of his heartwarming smiles that day after saying that remark. He remembers himself mirroring what Baekhyun was doing to him, too.

Slowly focusing, Chanyeol eyes the pictures on the wall one by one. On the upper left of the wall in front of him is a photo of a twenty four years old Yoora with her arm around the shoulders of a sixteen years old Baekhyun in his yellow Pororo tee and grey pajama pants when he was staying over at Chanyeol’s house, holding up a stethoscope with a big square-shaped smile plastered on his face and the caption says I hope I look as good as Yoora noona’s boyfriend who is a surgeon. Not very far from it is a photo of a grinning ten years old Chanyeol with a pouting Baekhyun on his back with no caption written (but he remembers very well that it was taken during their summer holiday in Bucheon), both of them wearing the same baby blue sleeveless shirts with white stripes, the ones Baekhyun’s mother had bought for them.

A small smile appears on his face as he scans all the photos once again. Chanyeol may not be one into being sentimental at random times, but he strongly agrees that the best part about a picture is that even when the people in the picture change, the memory it contains never will. He does not think that Baekhyun has changed for real, but given the situation that both of them are in now, chances are his best friend is changing, for whatever reasons he has no clue about.

The vibration inside his slacks’ front pocket ruins his interest on the wall in front of him and he quickly fishes out his phone. It is a message from Luhan, asking if they could have lunch together this afternoon. Chanyeol carefully reads the message three times, wanting to make sure that his boyfriend is really the one asking him for lunch because usually it is the other way around.

And this just adds to his list of Luhan’s current weirdness.

Ever since the day they got together, which was on Chanyeol’s last birthday, the soon to be CEO has been noticing that Luhan is not like what he has pictured him to be all this time. This Luhan, his current boyfriend, is definitely not the Luhan he was head over heels for back then before in high school—no, correction—this Luhan is very different from the Luhan who came back to Seoul before they started dating.

This Luhan is… timid and always looks distracted.

Back then in high school, Chanyeol always saw Luhan as someone who was very bright, outgoing, like nothing could ever go wrong in his world. And if Chanyeol remembers correctly, after the Chinese man came back to Seoul, still he never took minutes to give him positive response to whatever it was that he offered and surprisingly carried out the signs that he himself also wanted Chanyeol (which of course made the towering man’s heart soar high in the sky). In short, it felt like Luhan always tried to tell him that his love for the shorter man was not unrequited. So, why? Why does lately Chanyeol feel like Luhan is troubled about something but keeps it hidden from him? What is it that sometimes makes Luhan zone out on him after they started being boyfriends?

Chanyeol kind of guesses that maybe Luhan is adapting to the new life as his boyfriend. After all, living your life with and without a lover of course feels different, no? Alas, Chanyeol is still suspicious that Luhan has been hiding something from him, but he is just going to wait until his boyfriend tells him everything on his own will. Privacy should be highly respected, that is what his parents and Baekhyun have taught him.

With a long sigh, he types of course, I will take you out for lunch at one before closing the message box and his wallpaper shows up. A fond smile automatically graces his lips as he gazes at the picture. Ever since the day Baekhyun left, he always changes his wallpaper every morning, and for today it is a picture of a grinning twenty three years old Baekhyun, fringe pushed back with a Rilakkuma hairpin, eyes forming crescents, and cheeks full of dirt. He recalls it was taken when they were spending their summer holiday with Baekhyun’s grandmother in Gangwondo—the old lady ordered them to plant some seeds but they ended up smearing dirt on each other’s face just because they could. Baekhyun’s grandmother scolded them when she found out about that, but both of them just simultaneously kissed her on each cheek and ran off to the field.

A single tear makes its way down Chanyeol’s cheek at the sweet memory and soon the rest follows.

How are you, princess? Are you eating well? Please take a good care of your health. Do not skip breakfast, you cannot function properly for the day without you morning meal. Do not sleep too late, for your body has its own alarm so you cannot sleep in and you need at least six hours of sleep if you want to stay as a healthy man.

Chanyeol looks up at the sky-patterned ceiling, a special design requested by Baekhyun himself, before huffing his cheeks and blinking rapidly, hoping to stop the tears from flowing more. He has grown accustomed to living a life with Baekhyun, so now that his ray of light is gone, he is sort of lost.

Prepared or not, the new chapter of his life has begun—a chapter without Byun Baekhyun in it.

His nightmare has come.

₪₪₪

A delicious smell worms its way through Baekhyun’s nostrils and his consciousness slowly goes back to him because of that particular reason, before he eventually flutters his eyes open to face another day. He finds a hard time doing that simple task, though, not because the room is too bright with the blinding morning sunrays coming from his big window (he forgot to close the blinds again), but because of how puffy his eyes are since he cried himself to sleep last night. Closing his eyelids again, he lets out a sigh and tries convincing himself that, yes, this is what he wants. This, living in London with his mother leaving the life he once had back in Seoul, is what is best for him.

Leaving Chanyeol is what is best for him.

The night before the New Year Eve, at his parents’ approval, he had flown to London for good without leaving any hint for Chanyeol, for his best friend. No goodbye letter, no goodbye hug, nada. If anything, he had just indirectly bid him goodbye on the phone and told him to take a good care of his current boyfriend, in which Chanyeol was too oblivious that the man on the other end of the phone was leaving Seoul, that his best of bestest friend for years was leaving him.

Baekhyun’s parents are not dense, though; they may have never confronted Baekhyun, but they know what their youngest son feels for Chanyeol since they have been the witnesses of that love for years. And just like how other parents in this world are, they only want their children to be happy; so after hearing his reasons, they agreed on Baekhyun’s decision to move to London and replace his older brother’s position in his company.

Apparently, Baekhyun’s heart needs to move on, too.

It is hard to go away from someone who has given so many good memories to remember but he has to, and he is trying his best now. People say that it is not the separation that hurts; it is the memories that follow—yes, Baekhyun could not agree more. There are just millions of happy things he has collected with Chanyeol in his jar of memories and he is fully aware of the heartache that is coming upon his decision to literally distance himself from the tall man, stepping out of the picture of Chanyeol’s beautiful life.

Everything is for the best is what he repeats in his head at least once in a day.

But is it really what is best for him when reminiscing the time he spent together with a particular someone makes him cry his heart out until he falls asleep at night? Is it really what is best for him when seeing random things on the streets of London pains his heart because it reminds him of that particular someone? Is it really, really what is best for him when he finds himself dashing out of his new office every Friday night because it is his supposed movie night with that particular someone before he stops by his car in the parking lot and it finally hits him that he is in London instead of Seoul?

Baekhyun knows the answer is no, yet he keeps convincing himself that he wants to do this—he needs to do this.

He needs to find his own happiness, something (or preferably someone) that is not in a form of a tall man with elfish ears and big eyes named Park Chanyeol. His best friend is on cloud nine since Luhan is already his official boyfriend now (in which he believes that they are meant to be together, a match made in heaven), so he thinks it is time for him to get his own happiness. It does not matter if it takes him years to find his special someone, he is willing to wait.

He just hopes his soul mate is patient enough to wait until the day they meet comes.

Sitting up straight, he slowly rolls out of bed and squints his swollen eyes to check his phone. He has changed his lock screen—what used to be a picture of Chanyeol friendly kissing his temple with his strong arms around Baekhyun’s middle when he was busy being mesmerized by the giant Christmas Tree with the snow falling from above in front of Seoul Plaza a few Christmases ago, in which Jongdae was more than gleeful to snap the moment with his phone and send it to his Kakaotalk, is now replaced by a picture of Baekhyun leaning his head on his older brother’s left shoulder, both wearing the similar yellow floral shirts and wide rectangular smiles. The picture was taken when both of them visited London Eye with their parents last spring, and they were so happy because it was rare for the four of them to have no schedule at all for a week. They spent the week going on a road trip around Europe with London Eye as their last destination, and Baekhyun did not take another picture with his hyung again after that one.

His heart aches at the memory. He should have taken more.

Upon realizing that he is dwelling on the past again, Baekhyun quickly shakes his head to clear his mind and focuses back on his phone, dragging down the notification bar to see what he has received. Four business emails from his secretary, Tiffany, two messages from Sehun asking how he is coping up in London and informing him that he is coming to visit him in the end of March since there will be long weekends, and two missed Skype calls from his father which is now on his business trip to Sydney, that is all. Letting out a small yawn, he checks the emails thoroughly, taking a mental note to buy something for his pretty secretary as soon as possible in return of her kindness for always reminding him of what to do for the day. Once done, he stretches his arms over his head and twists his body until a satisfying cracking sound is heard before replying to Sehun’s messages in one long message.

Twenty four days—Baekhyun has been living in London for twenty four days, and he is yet to receive any message or phone call from Chanyeol. He knows better to not even hope for one, though, since it is his fault for disappearing just like that. If he were in Chanyeol’s shoes, of course he would do the same—he would be too heartbroken and angry to even ask for a proper explanation from the smaller man. Years of friendship with the soon to be CEO of Park Corporation has taught him well about that; he knows Chanyeol better than the tall man himself, no doubt. Baekhyun knows what Chanyeol likes and dislikes—either in form of things or feelings, he knows everything about Chanyeol’s body language—heck, he even knows Chanyeol’s way of thinking. So of course, he knows a heartbroken Chanyeol will just build up a bubble around him and shut himself down from the world for a while, just like what he did when Luhan suddenly moved back to China.

Baekhyun realizes he was being illogically selfish by making a decision affecting his friendship without discussing with the other party first, but for once he wants to just prioritize himself. He cannot—does not want to hurt himself more than he already has. I am sorry, Chanyeol.

Two knocks on his bedroom door pull Baekhyun back from his train of thoughts and he turns his head just in time to see a beautiful middle-aged woman, whose eyes resembles his so much, enter the room with a smile. “Good morning, sweetheart.”

“Good morning, mom,” Baekhyun returns the smile before putting down his phone on his bed and walking up to give her a hug. “What is for breakfast? I smell something yummy.”

Giggling, his mother pinches the tip of his nose and jabs at his side. “Go take a shower and see it yourself, okay?”

“Yes, ma’am. Now shoo,” he playfully ushers the woman he loves so much out of his room and makes his way to his bathroom. He is thankful that his mother no longer asks why his eyes are always suspiciously puffy in the morning, because he does not want to make up another lie—she has stopped questioning it after his sixth day of living with her. He has a guess that she knows he always cries at night; he is just not that sure if she knows the reasons, although it is possible that she does, judging from how she always knows everything that has happened and is happening with her children. She is his mother, the one who gave birth to him, the one who has spent years teaching him all the things about life, so he would not be too surprised if she knew all through his lies. What makes him more grateful is how his mother still keeps mum to her best friend, Chanyeol’s mother, about the whole fiasco between him and her son.

Less than thirty minutes later, a formally dressed Baekhyun is already seated across his mother at the dining table with a full set of American breakfast displayed in front of him. The food is too much for only two people, he realizes, and it is seconds later that he sees three empty plates and glasses on the table, completed with the cutleries. One set is in front of his mother, another one is in front of him, and the last one is next to his own but the seat is… empty. He is about to ask if they are going to have a guest for breakfast—

“Oh God, why do I keep forgetting this?”

—but closes his mouth as his mother forces a smile on her face and stands up to put the extra plate, glass, and cutlery back into the overhead cabinet behind him.

His heart plummets at the realization of what is happening.

The woman sits down with the same fake smile but her eyes cannot deceive him, for the sadness is too crystal clear. She is yet to let go. “I am sorry, Baekhyunnie. I did not mean to—”

“Mom,” he reaches out to take his mother’s hand in his, slightly squeezing it. He puts a smile on his own face, but he knows it is too wobbly to be considered as a normal one. At least he is trying, right? “I know this is hard to accept, but… hyung has gone to a better place. He is no longer here with us, but at least he is not sick anymore. He is happy up there, mom.”

The tears finally fall from his mother’s eyes and it takes a big effort for him to not break down as well. After all, he is supposed to be the strong one here. In seconds, he has his slender arms wrapped around the thin figure and he kisses her hair to calm her down, one hand rubbing her back in a soothing manner as he lets her dampen his suit with the tears.

Everything that happened that day is still clear on Baekhyun’s mind. His older brother, Baekbeom, passed away on the day he landed in London. He went straight to the hospital from the airport, for his mother said that there was no visiting hour. There was nobody other than his sleeping brother and a pudgy British nurse when he entered the hospital room, and she said his mother was out to buy some food for herself after he introduced himself as Byun Baekhyun, the younger brother of the patient. Having done checking Baekbeom’s condition thoroughly, the nurse excused herself and Baekhyun spent about five minutes just sitting on the chair beside the bed and taking in his hyung’s appearance with the older man’s hand in his. His hyung looked far from being healthy, he noted, but he still prayed that he would live far longer than what the doctor had predicted. It was a few minutes later that his mother came back with a plastic bag filled with bread and coffee from the convenient store on the ground level of the hospital in her hand. She gave Baekhyun a tired smile before asking how his flight was, and just right after he told her he had arrived not too long ago, she ushered him to buy something to fill his stomach properly.

The sudden dreading feeling was not that strong, but it was there. Baekhyun was reluctant to go because his guts were telling him not to, but with how loud his stomach growled and how nagging his mother was being, he had no choice but to oblige. He stood up to place a soft, lingering kiss on his hyung’s forehead while praying please get better soon, hyung in his heart. One last look at the sick man’s face and Baekhyun was out of the hospital room to do what his mother told him. His steps were heavy and something indescribable was messing up with his stomach, but he simply thought it was from the long flight to London earlier.

Later did he know that it was actually because his hyung was holding him back, silently telling him not to go because he would be the one going not too long after that.

“Hyung will not be happy to see you cry, mom,” Baekhyun says once he is pulled back from his trance at the broken sobs coming from the woman in his embrace. “So, please, smile? For him?”

“Why did he have to leave that fast? Your hyung was a nice son, Baekhyunnie, a perfect son.”

“We tend to pluck the prettiest flower in the garden, no?” blinking away the tears gathering in his eyes, Baekhyun gently his mother’s hair and curves his lips in a small smile that does not even reach his eyes. “He was the best hyung I have ever known in this world.”

A light chuckle escapes in between his mother’s sobs. “I remember Chanyeol saying the very same sentence too the last time he visited us here last year when Baekbeom managed to let him go to the backstage of Jason Mraz’s concert and take a selfie with that singer.”

Chanyeol. Just a single mention of his name has successfully brought up mixed feelings in Baekhyun’s heart. All the effort he has put up to draw a smile on Chanyeol’s face until their last moment together, he regrets none of it. He loves Chanyeol, so of course he feels like it is his duty to make the other happy, not even minding that he is also hurting himself.

Yet despite everything wonderful he has given to the man he loves, he knows Park Chanyeol still never looks at him.

Honestly, he also feels guilty for not passing the devastating news about his hyung to his best friend personally, considering how close those two were. They shared quite many similarities in common, starting from Creed as their favorite perfume, McDonald’s as their favorite junk food restaurant, to calling Baekhyun princess as their habit.

Baekhyun initially hoped that at least his mother would do it on his behalf, but even until today she has not done that and Baekhyun understands that she wants him to be responsible for that. Chanyeol’s parents were informed (given the fact that Mrs. Park is his mother’s best friend) and attended the funeral, but chances are they forgot to pass the news to their son due to their busy schedules. Or maybe it was his own mother’s doing to leave Chanyeol out, he could care less.

He promises himself to ask Sehun to deliver the news to Chanyeol someday, but definitely not now or in the near future (days from now) since there is a possibility that the towering man will immediately reach out to him to offer comfort like he did years ago when Baekhyun’s uncle died and, nope, he is nowhere near ready to face him again. The news about Baekbeom passing away has probably reached Chanyeol without Baekhyun doing anything, though, since it was once aired on an evening global television news program Chanyeol sometimes watches, but at the fact that the latter still has not contacted him at all… he cannot be sure again.

However, what Mrs. Byun does not know is that her son has vowed to himself to never associate himself with Chanyeol ever again.

₪₪₪

One of the biggest mistakes people can ever make is drifting apart from someone they once had the time of their life with—Sehun absolutely agrees on that for that was what his heart screamed when Baekhyun called him right after he arrived in London. Why are you so stupid, Baekhyun? was then repeated over and over in Sehun’s head for a whole day.

Guaranteed, he was not there long enough to know much about Baekhyun and Chanyeol, since both of them always looked like they were in their own world when together, but now he at least knows that Park Chanyeol was all Byun Baekhyun ever saw—no, Chanyeol is all Baekhyun sees. No matter how many times his friend has said that he is going to forget Chanyeol as soon as possible, Sehun is one hundred percent certain that the love will not just vanish into thin air over the night.

In Sehun’s opinion, his friend’s decision to leave Chanyeol due to the latter’s relationship with Luhan and his need to find his own happiness was a reckless one (but his older brother’s sickness is another problem). Even though Baekhyun had never shown it when he was still in Seoul, Sehun understood how much the idea of leaving Chanyeol hurt him. If one were to ask Sehun for a suggestion about how to not make the beautiful friendship go downhill, he would say okay, Baekhyun can go to London, but cutting all the ties with Chanyeol is not necessary.

So when the plan was eventually executed, what with Baekhyun really leaving for good before New Year Eve, Sehun could not help but get frustrated with himself for not being able to stop his friend from leaving.

The burden feels thousand times heavier whenever he meets Chanyeol and witnesses just how wrecked the latter is. Even with Luhan by his side, the Chanyeol after Baekhyun left looks… dull. He still looks breathtakingly gorgeous (even Sehun admits it), but there is no glow of happiness surrounding him anymore, no spark of excitement in his eyes, nothing. Had Sehun not known better, he would have thought it was a mannequin Luhan was always seen with.

Sehun realizes that there is an infinite spectrum of possibilities as to why this new Chanyeol is different. Flipping the Baekhyun card down, Chanyeol may be looking so gloomy because he is tired with his special internship that requires his full attention and performance everyday, five days a week. A family problem can be one of the possibilities too, right? Or maybe he is having a small fight with Luhan?

However, there is this inner voice in the back of his head which keeps telling him that the main reason why Chanyeol looks like he no longer has any enthusiasm to go through his life is because of a certain Byun Baekhyun.

Well, Sehun just hopes that Baekhyun will soon realize that he is hurting not only Chanyeol with his one-sided decision, but he is also inflicting pain to himself.

It is a two-edged blade, Sehun thinks.

₪₪₪

“Baekhyun-ssi, the representatives of The Economist are here for a short interview.”

“Baekhyun-ssi, there is a business proposal from Laing O'Rourke and they are demanding a reply within four days. Do you want me to print out their email?”

“Baekhyun-ssi, I have prepared the room for your meeting with Mr. Edward at two thirty.”

Baekhyun-ssi this, Baekhyun-ssi that—it always goes on and on like that every day. Being the CEO of his late brother’s company feels different than when he was just a special intern in his father’s company back in Seoul, but the most significant difference is the amount of work he has to do in a day. When he was still the next in line to be the CEO of his father’s company, the most frightening task he had ever done was role-playing with his scary looking mentors about how to do some business negotiation and all that jazz. These days in London, though, he has to deal with real problems, securing deals with other companies and taking matters related to his late hyung’s company into his own hands.

No matter how tiring his new life is, of course he cannot just give up since his parents did not raise him to be a weakling. But if he were given a chance to ask for something—anything—that could help him in coping up with his life in London, he would prefer it to be in form of someone who would wordlessly massage his tense shoulders with their warm hands, someone who would feed him his favorite dinner without him having to mention the dish, and someone who would put their strong arm around his waist while gently his hair on the bed.

He would prefer it to be his stupid Park Chanyeol.

Damn, Baekhyun always tries to convince himself that he does not want Chanyeol anymore, but the harder he tries, the more it seems like he just cannot let go.

Pathetic, is he not?

₪₪₪

“Luhan,” Yixing pokes his head through the gap of Luhan’s door and the wall. In milliseconds, he feels like something sharp is stabbing his heart upon seeing how Luhan is sitting on his bed with his knees pulled to his chest, teary eyes looking up to the starless night sky through his window. “Dinner is ready.”

“You eat first,” is all Luhan says in reply, voice just slightly above a whisper.

“But—”

“I am not hungry.”

“Luhan.”

When nothing is said by the man on the bed even after nine seconds have passed by (Yixing counted, yes), he lets out a frustrated sigh. It is not his first time seeing Luhan so dispirited like this; truthfully, he has been noticing how the other man always seems like he has fallen into depression lately, but he does not want to have a blind guess about the reasons (yet he is one hundred percent sure that a certain handsome man who goes by the name Park Chanyeol is involved). Luhan still goes out with Chanyeol, but the frequency has been decreased to only twice to thrice a week while they used to do that every single day. What is more surprising is the fact that they did not even spend Valentine’s day together, which was two days ago. In fact, the last time Yixing saw them going out was about five or six days ago.

And if Yixing used to see them being all smiley when he opened the door for Luhan after their dates, what he sees nowadays are a tired Chanyeol and a timid Luhan who do not even hug before the taller man takes his leave.

This may be unknown to many, but Yixing knows very well that Luhan is not the man who is full of the joys and spring everyone claims him to be. Yeah, Zhang Yixing did not take psychology as his major in university for nothing.

Just like everyone else on this planet, Luhan has his own ups and downs, but Yixing has to admit that this Chinese buddy of his is extremely great in maintaining his bright personality so that people will never have a chance to see his negative side. But strangely enough, it seems like that task is long forgotten now, seeing how Luhan does not even try to be so cheerful like before—he simply lets people around him know that he is down in the dumps. And if Yixing recalls correctly, it was started since the day Chanyeol officially asked Luhan out.

“Luhan,” Yixing tries again, this time followed by stepping into the dimly lit room. He cautiously approaches the bed and reaches his hand out to touch Luhan’s right shoulder, a relieved sigh leaving his lips when the latter does not flinch away. “Hey.”

“Please leave me alone.”

“Luhan.”

“Please.”

“Lu—”

“Yixing… please.”

If it were someone else, Yixing would just drop the subject and follow what they wanted, but this is Luhan, someone who has been living with him for a while, someone whom he has grown so fond of in a brotherly way. So with that thought filling up his head, he braves himself to embrace the gloomy man. After a moment passes by yet he does not receive any rejection from Luhan, he lets out the breath he did not know he was holding and gently the other’s reddish brown hair. “I am always all ears for you, remember?”

And as if all the magic spells had been removed, Luhan breaks down right then and there. He fists the front of Yixing’s tee and cries against his chest. “I am a jerk, Yixing, a monster.”

Yixing’s forehead creases but he keeps his mouth shut. What is he saying?

“I am one selfish bastard.”

Still, all Yixing allows himself to do is just hugging his broken friend.

“I was blinded by jealousy and greed—” Luhan chokes on a sob, making the tears gathered on the tip of his chin fall. “and I regret everything. I have hurt innocent people who did not even deserve to be hurt in the first place.”

Yixing is still trying to decipher what the other Chinese man is implying when three rings of the doorbell interrupt him. He does not remember inviting anyone over and it is a bit past eight already; both Yifan and he never invite anyone later than seven in the evening, a habit they have discovered together a few weeks into their relationship. With a soft kiss on Luhan’s hair, he reluctantly breaks the hug and makes his way to open the front door.

Who can this be? A lost visitor of my neighbor? Yixing keeps guessing but when the door is finally opened wide, he is sort of surprised to see the last person on his list standing right in front of him now, clad in plain grey winter coat and a light brown beanie covering his blonde hair. For a while, none of them says anything; in Yixing’s case, it is absolutely because he still cannot wrap his head around the idea that the man from his past still remembers his address. “Sehun?”

“Can I talk to Luhan?”

A sudden rush of defense washes over Yixing and his left hand automatically reaches for the door, ready to close it anytime. Sehun did not even ask first if Luhan was home; he straightly asked if he could talk to the other resident of his apartment. Gone is all the awkwardness radiating from Sehun whenever they meet each other like their last encounter at Starbucks, so this is another warning for Yixing. And judging from his stance, Yixing knows Sehun is absolutely up to no good at this moment. “What do you want from him?”

“Can I talk to Luhan?” Sehun repeats with annoyance clearly dripping from his voice.

“He is not home.”

Sehun scoffs. “Then who is that man behind you?”

Yixing swiftly turns around only to find Luhan standing a few steps behind him, looking so vulnerable with his tear-streaking face and slumped shoulders. He widens his eyes as if telling why are you here? to the crying man, but when Luhan just takes some small steps forward them, he knows Sehun is winning. With a defeated sigh, he opens the door wider again and steps aside, gesturing for the taller between the three of them to enter the place. Once he gets the front door locked again, he grabs Luhan by his wrist when he passes by him and whispers I will be in my room if you need comfort before leaving them to give some privacy.

“Did you know that Chanyeol was rushed to the hospital yesterday?” Sehun does not even wait until Yixing is completely out of ear sight; he does not even take a seat before breaking the news. From the corner of his eye, he can see how the owner of the apartment freezes on his track but it takes no longer than two seconds for him to continue his way to his room.

Luhan blinks. “Wha—I did not—God, C—Chanyeol was—”

“ing great,” a sarcastic laugh leaves Sehun’s lips as he rubs his temples. “You are his boyfriend—”

“Sehun—”

“—yet you did not even know—”

“Sehun—”

“—that Chanyeol was—”

“OH SEHUN!” Luhan finally loses it, and it must have taken his energy so much for his body is shaking hard now after yelling as loud as he could in his condition. With blurred vision, he steels himself to look at the man in front of him. “I am going to break up with Chanyeol soon.”

Sehun’s jaw immediately drops and he stares at Luhan in what seems like a mixture of amusement, anger, and disbelief. What the hell is this? “Are you ing kidding me now, Luhan?”

“I cannot do this any longer,” Luhan looks down on the perfectly polished wooden floor. His sobs have subsided, but the teardrops are still falling every now and then. His lips are still quivering, too. “I was wrong.”

Sehun chuckles and it soon turns into a big fit of sarcastic laughter. He is probably starting to lose his mind. “Wait, let me sum everything up. You came back to Seoul and after a few months accepted Chanyeol to be your boyfriend, but then for some reasons I have no idea about now you want to break up with him when he is hospitalized from over-exhaustion and depression?”

Depression? Luhan frowns. He himself has also been noticing how Chanyeol is getting thinner lately, not that much but enough to make him worried, so for the over-exhaustion part he is not really that surprised. When he first saw how physically weak Chanyeol was, he assumed it had something to do with his special internship, so he thought there was nothing he could do to save the black haired man. But depression? Never once did it cross his mind before. What could possibly be the reason behind that?

As if he could read minds, Sehun wastes no time to explain about the situation. “Listen, Luhan. I do not know if you have already heard about Baekhyun leaving Seoul—”

“Chanyeol only told me Baekhyun went to somewhere far. I thought it was for a business trip?”

“Hell, no. He moved to London and will never come back here.”

Wait a minute. In a snap, Luhan feels like something is ripping his already battered little heart into pieces because he perfectly knows what the conclusion is, even without Sehun connecting the dots for him. He is not blind and definitely not deaf; he knows how much Baekhyun means to Chanyeol from how many times his boyfriend would mention his name in a day and from all their interactions he has witnessed.

“And now after Chanyeol has lost his treasure, after he has lost the light of his life, you are going to leave him in the darkness as well?” Sehun clicks his tongue in distaste. “You are impossible. Tsk, bastard.”

None of them has any idea that someone is eavesdropping intently behind a door.

“I… do not love Chanyeol,” Luhan gulps down the lump in his throat. “Sehun, I cannot.”

Slowly, Sehun can feel anger start boiling up inside him at the statement and he utters a firm pardon?, not because he did not catch the words but more because he wants to give himself some time to process everything in his head. He is not that close to Chanyeol, sure, but the slightly taller man is Baekhyun’s best friend and for the past few months he has been hearing about nothing but Chanyeol (thanks to Baekhyun), so of course he feels some kind of attachment to the black haired man as well. Besides, Baekhyun’s request for him to take care of Chanyeol when he is no longer there only strengthens his will to always give a hand to Chanyeol on Baekhyun’s behalf, too. It was not smooth at first, what with Chanyeol holding a grudge against him for the accusation of stealing Baekhyun, but after a while they finally got along. So upon hearing that the receiver of Chanyeol’s attention and affection does not even love him, there is no way in hell he is not going to explode.

“I was not even in love with him when we got official! I just wanted to take revenge!”

Revenge? Sehun clenches his fists tight, nails digging painfully into his palms. Calm down, Sehun. Calm do—

“These past four months, I have been just… fooling around.”

And that is the last straw.

Without much thinking, Sehun advances towards Luhan and throws a hard punch on his perfectly sculpted jawline, causing him to stumble backwards and fall on the floor. The blonde is seeing red and his fist lunches forward again for a second jab, but fortunately he stops halfway before he releases his third. He tells himself to not give more physical damage to the shorter man than he already has. At least two punches should be enough to knock some sense into Luhan’s head, no? If Baekhyun knows he is hurting Chanyeol’s possession, he would be so screwed up. “If you just wanted to play, you should have done it with a toy, not with Chanyeol’s heart. If you just wanted to play, you should have come to a playground or something, not to Chanyeol’s life.”

“Sehun, I—”

“What?!” Sehun snaps, his anger is still taking the best of him. His temples are throbbing; he never knew someone could make him extremely irritated like this.

Holding back his sobs, Luhan bites his lip in pain as his tears keep falling. “I love… someone else.”

“Whoa, whoa, there. I do not even ing care who—”

“IT IS YOU! I love you so much,” Luhan weakly says the last sentence in defeat, one hand cupping his throbbing jawline. He was not actually planning on spilling the beans, but he already told Sehun the biggest clue, so might as well just go all the way.

It is hard to give a judgement of what Sehun is feeling right now since he just has his lips pressed in a thin line and his eyes also do not really tell much.

Meanwhile, Luhan still keeps his gaze on the floor, feeling like a biggest loser on earth for not being brave enough to face the wrath of the man he loves. The pain he feels on his jawline caused by the punches is nothing compared than the pain in his heart, which is caused by the realization that, yes, he will never stand a chance to be with Sehun. Everything is clear now, but Luhan is not one to give up easily although he is truly hurt. “I love you, Sehun. I love you so much and I have been spending years to make it grow bigger. So, please, can you just love me back?”

The silence that soon envelopes both of them is too loud and—

“You are nuts, Luhan. You are the worst. I will never love someone like you.”

—Luhan wishes he could be deaf at this very second.

“I have been in love for you since high school—”

“CUT IT OUT!” Sehun yells loudly, leaning back against the peach colored wall of the apartment, not realizing how the other man quickly shuts his eyes and flinches away at his harsh tone. His head is spinning with all the revelation that Luhan is not in love with Chanyeol in the first place and the Chinese lad loves him instead of his official boyfriend. Damn it!

When he first heard Luhan himself say that he was in love with another person, he had expected it to be someone from China he met years ago or some classmate in Jeongdong High School. However, it turns out that of all the people in this universe, it just has to be him—someone who does not even glance at Luhan because he has his eyes set on someone else.

Domino effect. Fate is always too cruel, no?

Sehun’s knees slowly give up on him and his body slides down until he is sitting on the floor with his head in his hands. Now that his anger has died down, he is starting to feel sorry for both Luhan and Chanyeol. But what is stressing him out so much right now is what is going to happen if Baekhyun knows about this tangled up mess?

Baekhyun, the nicest angel without wings he has ever met in this world, has sacrificed his own happiness in exchange for Chanyeol’s; he let his heart get hurt by doing his best to get Chanyeol and Luhan together, yet the one he thought would make Chanyeol happy ends up being the one who is going to break the tall man’s heart soon. And to top it all off, the upcoming break up is caused by none other than Sehun himself—because Luhan loves him, not Chanyeol.

Now, how is he supposed not to hate Luhan like sin for causing this problematic situation?

In the midst of being deep in thought, someone suddenly snatches the collar of Sehun’s coat and yanks him up to his feet. He does not have much time to be shocked before a fist meets the side of his face.

“Stop blowing a fuse here! What the hell did you do to Luhan, huh?” Yixing rages, tightening his grip on Sehun’s collar and harshly shaking him. A broken sob from behind catches his attention and the flame of anger in his eyes are getting bigger. “I am asking you, Oh Sehun. What. Did. You. Do. To. Luhan?”

“Nothing.”

“If you did not do anything, he would not be bleeding and crying like this!”

“Do not yell at me!” Sehun shouts back. “Luhan is the one at fault!”

“How. Is. He. The. One. At. Fault. When. He. Is. The. One. Bleeding?” every jab of Yixing’s finger on Sehun’s chest causes a greater emotional pain for the taller man instead of physical one. “Luhan is my dear friend, Sehun. If you hurt him, then it means you hurt me as well.”

“If that so, then I need to tell you that Luhan has hurt me by hurting Baekhyun. An eye for an eye,” Sehun pinches the bridge of his nose before turning to face Luhan who is still on the floor. “Luhan, do you want to know what surprise I have for you?”

Still fearing that Sehun will just lash out his anger on him again, the broken man remains silent.

“I loved someone else, and I am still in the process of getting over him.”

Yixing’s grip on the blonde man’s collar loosens up as his body visibly goes rigid.

“Do you not want to know who that person is?”

Finally, Luhan lifts his head up and shoots a curious look at his crush.

He cannot help but notice how unusually stiff Yixing’s posture is, but he opts to not comment on that. “It is… Baekhyun, right? I know you have feelings for him, hence my decision to date Chanyeol because I wanted him to feel my heartache.”

“Oh God, Luhan, you really are the worst,” Sehun burst out laughing that he even has to clutch at his stomach. He laughs and laughs and laughs, all the stress from the confrontation earlier being forgotten. What is being revealed right now is too ridiculous for him to the point that he cannot even find it in him to be angry again—or maybe the anger has passed way over his limit, he does not really understand. “Byun Baekhyun is my friend. I love him, yes, as a friend. He is like a brother I have never had.”

“Then who is it?”

“Yixing,” the name easily slips out in between the laughter. “I loved this friend of yours.”

Luhan’s puffy eyes widen in betrayal. No. This is not real. I am just dreaming. Refusing to believe any of it, he swiftly shifts his gaze to Yixing in demand for a confirmation. But when the latter just hangs his head down while fiddling with his thumbs, he knows everything is true. Oh my God, what have I done?

“You have been harboring feelings for me since high school? Well, Yixing and I were in love at that time. We always went home together after his volleyball practice. Yes, we did not tell the world that we were dating. I did not even tell Baekhyun that I had a boyfriend. But then things… happened and I could not do anything about it. Yixing was the sun to my sky,” a small, bitter smile appears on Sehun’s face as his laughter stops abruptly. “but now he is the sun to someone else’s sky.”

Luhan does not want to shed another tears, but right now the pain is too impossible to be endured and his heart is not that strong. All this time, he has been blinded by his jealousy and envy towards Baekhyun for having Sehun wrapped around his finger, but the truth is Sehun’s heart was taken by none other than Yixing since a long time ago. He accepted Chanyeol’s confession because he thought he could hurt Baekhyun for stealing his chance to be with Sehun, but now it turns out that the one blocking his way to be with his crush is Yixing, his own friend.

A part of Luhan wants to take his anger out on Yixing right here and now for his betrayal, but then again the latter might have had zero knowledge about his revenge plan on Baekhyun, so of course Yixing cannot be blamed for innocently destroying his plan. Now the more Luhan thinks about it, the more he realizes that he has ed up big time.

“You have attacked the wrong player in this game, Luhan,” Sehun says in a tone dripping with huge disappointment. There is a smile pasted on his face, but even a troubled Luhan can see how much the taller man is holding back to not cry. “Baekhyun deserves none of this misery you have put him in. He is the best friend I have ever known, one of a kind.”

The guilt starts eating him up in such a rapid speed and Luhan finds it hard to breathe normally. I am so stupid. “It does not matter what I do, I always end up hurting someone.”

“It is never too late to fix your mistakes, Luhan. Just… do not make another hasty decision. I am not forcing you to love Chanyeol, but please do not hurt him more. He is already damaged much,” Sehun slowly moves his legs to where Luhan is, glancing twice at a silent Yixing before kneeling down to engulf Luhan in his embrace. It always pains him to see someone else cry, no matter who they are (he thinks it is one of the things Baekhyun has rubbed off on him). And no matter how much he despises Luhan right now, he is not a heartless person—he still has sympathy. “And I am sorry, too.”

Seeing that this is his first and last chance to be so close to his crush, Luhan does not think much before clinging to Sehun. He needs to savor this rare moment, for he knows the possibility of this being repeated in the future is close to zero. “For?”

“For punching you earlier and… for not being able to reciprocate your feelings. I am really sorry. All this mess is also partly my fault,” Sehun heavily sighs, rubbing his thumb on the other’s shoulder blade. “People say you have to accept that you might have made a mistake then fix it. And, hey, I am just one phone call away if you need help in making things right again—about Chanyeol and Baekhyun, I mean.”

“Thank you, Sehun,” Luhan hugs tighter, silently hoping that the floor would open up and swallow him down to save him from the utter embarrassment and guilt. “and I am sorry.” I still love you.

₪₪₪

Mr. Byun can only sigh when enters his house in London and his wife informs him that their son is still at work. He was expecting to see his son right after his arrival from his business trip to Prague, but he should have known how stubborn his son can be.

Not only Mr. Byun, his wife has also given up in telling Baekhyun that he does not have to work overtime because, really, he just does not listen. I like being busy is what their son always says. Every day, Baekhyun goes to work before eight and, more often than not, comes back in the middle of the night, yet he never complains of being tired. Ever since his day one as his late brother’s replacement, he has been the last one to leave the office although he can just continue working at his house if he wants. That is wha