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Band of BrothersHis name was Luhan. I was a trainee and, so was he. Things were hard in the company, with strict regulations to abide, and the totality of freedom ripped away from our lives. Training the most, but Luhan made everything better ever since he arrived in 2009, Winter.
That night was extremely chilly and everyone was dead tired from practicing. I remembered feeling all nauseous from the footwork, and the tedious memorizing of dance choreographies. Sometimes, I regretted my choices, but there's no turning back.
The company introduced new trainees pretty frequently and it's ironic how so many of them didn't actually possess South Korean citizenship, but with their talent, they get pass anyway.
There were so many of us trainees, all competing for debut. You can't blame us, we were clueless too. Helpless and confused as of when we would debut, or if we even would. Competition within the industry was erratic and stupid, but we fight for survival, it was life.
The Year 2009 really bad. I lost my grandmother at the start of the year and I sprained my ankle during training. It was way to strenuous, but we never had a say in the things we are instructed to complete.
And then came the times when I missed home and then the sudden realization that home was so near, yet thousands of kilometers away. I missed my mother's embrace and the warmth of being home to enjoy home-made kimchi. I mentioned it to the office once and all I got in return was a tight slap across my face and incoherent words instructing me to shut up and deal with it.
So I did.
I became quieter and less outspoken gradually and I buried myself more into training myself up than to face reality. I want to debut, and power was more important than anything else to me. I didn't want to work hard and end up achieving nothing. My family had high expectations of me and I didn't want anyone, anyone to step over my head.
That one night during winter, while we all laid on the floorboard exhausted after practice, someone new was introduced. The knock on the door sounded like more like an alarm, a warning.
"Meet Luhan. He's our new trainee from China." The boy stepped forward and out of the shadows. At that moment, I remembered myself sitting up and watching as the ivory lights shone on his pale face, jutting cheekbones and blade sharp nose. His lips were tinged pink and his hair was a shade of dark brown, combed to the right side.
The memory was vague, but many took a liking to Luhan's personality. Different from other international trainees, Luhan outshoned plenty with his fluent Korean. Well not to mention, I was pretty aghasted myself.
We were reassigned dorm rooms one day and everyone was made to move their things and pack up before the sun descended. One room consisted of four trainees and we all had our own beds at the different ends of the room. I never shared a dormitory with Luhan before and I haven't spoken to him ever since he arrived.
Well, not till that night.
That night, the office called me in. It was rare that we ever get summoned to the office, but when we did, none of us wanted to lay foot into that living hell.
"Oh Sehun!" He slammed the table and grabbed me by my collar. It was really harsh and his nails dugged into the skin at my neck. I was really afraid till words were stuck bubbling in my throat, as if suffocating me.
"The surgery is a must, I will arrange with the plastic surgeons. If you don't heed my advice and give consent, you can dream about debuting. I won't let you." His words stung like and it pricked the back of my skull.
I rejected the surgery and plighted myself in such a situation. It was a tough decision and I'm too torned in between to concentrate. He let go of me soon enough and pushed. I fell backward until I felt the carpeted ground against my limbs.
That night was probably one of the worst predebut nights. I was at the rooftop of the dormitory. All I thought about that night was just my family, my future and, death.
I remembered contemplating over how many feets I would drop if I jumped, or if anyone would notice my absence when I do. Things were rushing rapidly through my head and a migraine was getting the best of me. I wanted to scream and just end every ounce of misery that ran in my veins. I wanted it gotten rid off, instantly.
And then he stopped me.
All I remembered at that point before I could let myself fall was the warmth of his palm against my wrist. The way his fingers curled upon my skin and the way things were so tranquilizing that night, I could feel his pulse as much as he could feel mine. And the fact that his organs were beating jolted me back and it clicked that if Luhan could do it just fine in a foreign country, I could and maybe even surpass him.
He dragged me down from the ledge and without a word, he held me. He held me so tightly with his arms around me and cheek pressed against my shoulder.
With that, he told me.
"I know that I'm in no position to lecture you because I am just another colleague, another training mate. But I'm going to tell you that I love you so much so please don't ever, end your life like this. I cherish you, Oh Sehun. We never talked, but I cherish you so much that I wanted to go through watching you debut and watch you go on stage to make others happy. I want to watch your hard work pay off and I want to you to live so that I can continue watching you laugh and smile. You're a wonderful person, Sehun. I know you regret your decisions at times, and sometimes all you ever think about is home. But we get used to it, and we deal with it. You're more than capable of doing so and just like you, I miss home too. And my home, is a thousand times further than yours is. Compared to my situation, how bad can yours be?" At that point, I was crying so badly that my hands were visibly palpitating and my lips were quivering so much I had to bite them to stop. My arms draped around Luhan, as if clinging with every bit of hope I had left in me.
He held me even tighter and shushed me constantly.
He muttered something in chinese along the lines of "坚强些，我相信你一定行". I never understood what it meant, but I trusted Luhan and I knew I wanted him by my side. His courage and his endearing plead for me not to give up was all I saw that night, it was all I wanted to remember.
Ever since that night, Luhan became a brother, a guardian angel. I thank God for him everyday and I want Luhan to debut as much as I want to debut myself. We spent our trainee days together, exchanging every piece of secret and we knew each other, inside and out.
Luhan was everything I had left to hold on to in the company. And everytime I wanted to let go just like that night, he was always there.
There was once the seniors offered me a smoke and some ketamine they managed to illegally purchase, Luhan was there to pull me back from the brink of getting suspended.
Another instance where I wanted to get revenge, Luhan was always there to slap me back into reality.
I can't forget him. Everything about that friendship was so enticing and I had never found any friend greater than Luhan.
And I cherished him, I cherished him so much that I'm willing to give up anything just like how he would, if it were for me.
Honestly, I don't know where I would be right now if it wasn't for Luhan.
Sad days reigned, but it went away as quickly as it came and then arrived the brighter days. As our seniority in the circle grew, training got less tedious, less exhausting.
It's been close to a year or two training together and since then, there had been a thing about bubble tea between Luhan and I. Bubble tea became something iconic to the both of us and everyday, everyday we would make a trip down to the shop at the end of the street.
The shop was rather run down and small but the drinks were my memories with Luhan and I hold on to them with everything I could. We spent days and hours on sugared pearls while we mapped out our dreams together and talked about the things that weighed our hearts down.
Days with Luhan were the ones I cherished the most. I remembered how elated we both were when it was announced that we were debuting, in the same group. It was such pleasant news, our days spent over training hadn't gone to vain.
I remembered jumping in joviality and pulling a smiling Luhan into embrace. He muttered the some chinese again seemingly close to what he said the previous time.
"都说了，你一定行."
I didn't understand a single word he said, probably too caught up with the good news. I would say that was one of my happiest memories in the company.
Debut was wonderful, the power I had in my palms when I reigned the stage. I loved being on stage, feeling as euphoria pumped vigorously in my veins and burned in my chest.
And whenever I look across the stage, I see Luhan on the other end living his dream. He would smile at me comfortingly, as if to say; we did it.
And then separation dawned upon us. The company issued someone to talk to us over our main concept and what they wanted our group to achieve. After our very first showcase in Seoul, our groups would go our separate ways; the China group to promote in various cities of China, and the Korean group to remain in Seoul.
I thought that debuting in the same group would permit me having Luhan by my side all the time. I guess not now.
The very first event that EXO-M was assigned to was in Beijing. That was the first time we got separated. After Beijing, there were many more for then to attend to, and they were remaining in China for at least the next few months.
Luhan hugged me that day before they left for the airport.
"You're my strength. You know I'm afraid whenever I stand on stage, Luhan. What am I going to do without you by my side?"
"You're going to do alright, believe me. We are both going to stand on stage and reign it, definitely not the same stage, but we are living the same dream and isn't that more than enough to keep you going?" He smiled and his eyes turned into half-crescents.
Luhan held me tighter and then he pulled away. I felt a gush of wind against my chest and I felt cold suddenly.
Luhan picked up his suitcase and followed the other members suit out of the door. He turned around one last time and fished out something from his bag. Handing it to me, he said, "Once you finish solving this, I will be back by your side. I promise."
"Don't you dare drink bubble tea without me." He yelled before the door slammed shut and left in my palm, was a messy colour-coded Rubik's cube.
It was really endearing whenever variety shows gave us a chance to leave messages for our other half in China. I told Luhan that I'm still waiting for him to be back so that we could have bubble tea together and I miss him.
Xiao Lu, 我想你.
'I miss you' was probably one of the only chinese phrases I managed to pick up from Luhan but I meant every syllabus just as I pronounced it.
Luhan always told me that one day he was going to take me to his hometown and I was ecstatic about that. We were just awaiting the company to give us a vacation off all the piling work we had to do and train for.
The promotions for our first album ended as quickly as it came and then when the planning for the second started, it was announced that we would do promotions as all twelve.
I saw that look on Luhan's face when he heard the news and the first person he turned to gaze at, was me.
"Xun ah, did you hear that? We're going to stand on the same stage now." Luhan smiled and threw an arm around me, jolting me closer by my shoulder.
Our years in the industry passed in flashes and vague memories. Doing the same promotions over and over, running for the same music show, and then for radio shows repeatedly, we were getting exhausted too.
One of my best memories was when we won our first Daesung award. I never saw Luhan cry, but that day, I did. After we bowed and went of stage, he had his face in his palms and all he did was sob.
I remembered pulling him into embrace. This was the most I could do.
"Hyung, we did it." That was what escaped my lips while I held him that night in jovial tears.
As the years went by since debut, the journey as a group became rougher and so did the relationships between the members.
There were arguments which escalated to fights and those were the days that I question as of whether our group was on the verge of breaking apart. It was hurtful watching the members fight among themselves as if wanting to tear each other apart and rip their flesh inside out.
But then peace came again, and I figured that because of all these fights we edged forward stronger as a team. As if bigger the fight, stronger the team.
Well, not for long.
It was the day that Kris decided to leave the company that everything started to shake. All relationships built up over years, all trust, all everything, gone.
I hadn't expected any of this to be happening. We just debuted only in 2012 and it was the year 2014 when he left. Just a letter from his lawyer and he simply didn't return with us one day. We never saw him since then.
It hit me harder than I thought it would. The group was nothing but chaos. With the chinese members siding Kris and now they are all breaking apart, slowly but surely and there's Joonmyun and the rest who were strongly against Kris.
They deemed him a betrayer for leaving and for ruining everything we worked hard for. Our first world tour was affected, ruined.
I saw Luhan that night, his eyes puffy from crying in which he wouldn't admit so. He was comforting Tao who wouldn't stop sobbing in his arms. I did nothing, but watched as everything unfolded while I stood by the door.
I was a Korean member after all. I had no say in anything.
"What do we do without him, Lu?"
"I don't know, really." It was the first time I saw how torn apart Luhan looked. Luhan always knew his way around things and he was always the one bringing people about problems, never the other way round.
People needed Luhan in circumstances when they were stuck, torn apart. But now the only cure was strucked.
Things were really, really falling apart this time.
The chinese members were the most affected. I heard them cry all the time in the middle of the night, especially Yixing. I knew he felt the impact, as much as he kept his feelings hidden in broad daylight.
And then there's Luhan who doesn't say a word, but spent all his free time sitting by the window with a Rubik's cube in hand.
Luhan was always bubbly, just as I have known. He spent his free time being all talkative with me, or he played soccer with Minseok, Jongin and Chanyeol.
But these weeks, he did nothing of such. He just sat alone in silence and tried to unravel the reality puzzle in his chest and mind while whirling the cube around and twisting its knobs.
He could always solve it, but this time, he couldn't.
Our first world tour continued without Kris. It started off and ended just as quickly. One of the last few shows, Luhan got a high fever, I just didn't think how serious it could become.
Over time, I watch as Luhan's health deteoriated. His cheeks hollow and sunken and his eyes were dull; as if all life out of him.
It wasn't until one of our last concerts where Luhan stayed in Beijing and didn't return with us. It was a whole repetition of everything that happened with Kris.
I was afraid. I was affected, deeply.
We had a few more shows to cover before the official tour would come to a final closure.
I was delighted that he made it back for the show. For the first time in forever, Luhan broke down while he sang. His tears ran down his cheeks and they glistened under the bright stage light. I was on the other end, but it was visible whenever I looked across.
When he danced that night, I kept turning around to check on him. I knew I would get myself into trouble if I missed a step or a beat, but I was afraid he couldn't last any longer.
When I looked at him across the stage that night during the closing, I didn't see bright and reassuring smiles. I saw forlorn and tired eyes staring back at me.
He didn't look away until the song ended. The lights darkened and there was this loud feedback from the microphone. The fans didn't see it, but I did.
He collapsed.
I dashed across in the dark and at that moment I felt everything crumbling inside of me. All memories came rushing through me in flashes and blotches.
I dragged him backstage and I knelt beside him. I broke down almost instantly with my hands cupping his wet cheeks. The medics came and the members pulled me away so they could help Luhan.
That day, I prayed.
I would give up anything, all these fame, all these glory. Just as long as he was going to be okay, I am willing to exchange anything. I couldn't lose Luhan, he was everything that kept me going in this team.
We had to return to Korea the following day while Luhan remained in China. I was unsure of his condition and I wanted to stay. But as strict as our company was, I couldn't.
I fretted over Luhan everyday after returning to Korea. I just couldn't think straight. What if he didn't return? What if it was another repetition of what happened with Kris?
One night, I got an international call from Luhan himself. It was 12:30 into the night so I snuck out of the room and went to the balcony.
"Xun ah, it's Luhan. Can you hear me?"
"Yes Hyung. How are you doing? What did the doctors say?"
"I'm all right Sehun, my treatment is going well."
"When are you coming home?" I asked, sounding slightly frantic.
"I'm not coming back. I am homed, Sehun."
At that moment, I felt everything collapsing inside me. As if something snapped, as if something was snatched forcefully out of my grasp, as if I never possessed it from the start, as if it was never under my control.
Losing Luhan was something that never crossed my mind, I would rather not let that thought linger, ever. I wanted to scream, knowing that this band of brothers I once had was going to fall apart in my own hands. There was nothing I could do to change reality either way.
"Why? Why not? Don't you want us anymore?" I was nothing but utterly confused.
"Sehun, you don't understand-"
"Why are you being like Kris? You chinese... I trusted you guys, why do you have to break the team apart? Why do you have to do this?" I didn't understand and everything in my mind went out of control.
"Sehun, listen to me please."
"No, Luhan. You're just like them and I hate you." And with that, I hung up. That was the last time I spoke to him.
The next day, the company received a letter from Luhan's lawyer. Things went viral and Luhan's issue was all over the news. Magazines defaming his reputation while some supported his decision.
Well, I didn't know what was my stand regarding Luhan. I just knew I missed him, I missed him like hell. Forgetting all the words I said to him that night, all I knew was that I wanted him home, by my side.
I never spoke to Luhan since then. I would stare at his contact on my phone for hours, contemplating to call. I would read our past conversations when I missed him. Each time I typed out everything I wanted to say to him, I just can't seem to find the courage to send. I wish I knew how he was doing, or even how he was feeling.
They say that it isn't about who you miss at two in the morning when you're lonely, but who you miss at two in the afternoon when you're busy. I missed Luhan and I missed him every hour of the day.
I walked into his room one day and I found his Rubik's cube under his bed, left unsolved.
That was the sole trigger to my tears that night. It was the first time I cried ever since Luhan left. It was painful knowing that my best friend wasn't coming home. I knew Yixing was affected even more. He cried all the time whenever he saw their pictures on his phone.
I fiddled with the cube for a while and I held onto it till it was three in the morning. A text came in that night from a sender I hadn't seen on my lockscreen for a pretty long time.
Xun ah, how have you been doing? I typed this a really long time ago, I just couldn't find the courage to send it to you. I miss you and I wish you were here by my side. I don't know if you're still mad, or if you have forgotten me. I wish it's neither. All I want to say is that I'm sorry. I truly am. I'm sorry I never said goodbye because I never wanted to, I never planned to. I'm sorry I lied about my condition and about undergoing treatment. It wouldn't get better anyway. But Oh Sehun, thank you. Thank you for everything you have done for me and for being the only person by my side. You may not have believed me after our last call, but whenever things got tougher, or when there was unequal treatment, I felt like suiciding. But each time, you were on my mind. I lost my passion for singing a long time ago, it was you who kept me going. You're the only person in the company I stayed for and I can't be more thankful to have gotten to know you. I miss you, Xun ah. Go on strong, and reign the stage. 我相信你一定行. But promise, promise you won't forget me.
I was wrong about Luhan, wrong about everything. But it's too late, I'm too late.
•
Five years went by in a flash and the band no longer existed. We all went our separate ways after the company collapsed in bankrupt. We didn't have a sponsor and maybe, it was time for us to all mature.
The training centre got demolished along with my memories of Luhan and EXO. But I got over them, we all do. It was life anyway, good things never to stay.
I happened to pass by one evening and noticed that the district got rebuilt. But the shop at the end of the street still existed. I didn't want to step in there, I stopped going back ever since Luhan left.
But I figured things out. Those were our youthful days, we created memories and built dreams upon words, but we learn to move on as we all grow up. Sometimes we lose each other as time progresses.
I never heard from Luhan again and I never heard news about him after things blew over either.
The shop didn't change. The chairs and tables were arranged in the same way and the lady smiled at me in recognition as I stepped in.
"I haven't seen you for five whole years!" I smiled and patted her on the shoulder.
"Yeah it's been long."
"Take a seat, I will serve it to you." I thanked her and nodded.
Upon sitting down in my seat, I placed my bag on the table and I saw something colourful peeking out from its side pocket. I took it out and held the cube in my hands.
I never found the cheats online. Everyday I worked on it, slowly turning, slowly figuring it out myself. And now, the puzzle was just one step away from being solved. Satisfied, I smiled to myself and turned its last knob, revealing a finally solved Rubik's cube.
I may have solved it but promises are meant to be broken, right?
"One chocolate and one taro, am I right?" The petite lady came to my table and placed both cups in front of me. I felt as if words were stucked at the back of my throat while some bubbled on my tongue. I didn't know what to say.
"No... Not for today. I will just have chocolate-"
"How can you forget my share?"
The door of the shop chimed as it swung open and the familiarity of that voice stung my ears.
Luhan.
Promises are meant to be broken, or left empty. But sometimes, just sometimes, when people make promises, they fulfill it.
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