It had been a few months before we first became one again. Do you know what it’s like to be away from your family for long periods of time, knowing that they have their own lives and their own problems and you can neither enjoy nor help them with any of it? Being away from the other half of this family was literally like missing another half of yourself. Of course, I loved the people close to me. The other M members always made me happy. I must say, there are a lot more memories and special times between us than any picture on any fanblog can show. But I still missed my other half; however, with separation comes longing and with longing, someone is bound to get hurt. I was hurt and so was Xiumin once. If I feel like a monster for any of the sins I’ve committed, it was for what I did between Xiumin and Sehun.

            We all knew that we had ships made about us. We all knew that it was every fangirl’s dream to see two of us end up together, but soon, it got out of hand, and I have to say- not that it’s your fault (How could it be when you were never really around except for special occasions and special outings? No doubt do I think that you had feelings about the two of us as well, but yours were not poison like those of the others)- that something in us-in me- broke and I couldn’t take it anymore. Only after seeing Xiumin the way he was did I think about what I had done and how I had messed up beyond compare. While I regret leaving all of you behind, my heart was heavy with remorse and pure agony after what I had done. None of you know what really happened. All any of you saw was good fun and harmless teasing about Sehun and me. None of you saw the tears, the arguments, the other members trying to calm everyone down. All any of you saw in the end was the gradual drift between the two of us. We have never been the same since that night and the nights that followed. I regret losing that close bond we had, but with all the rumors, it was inevitable. I just hope both of them forget about that night and remember me as I am not as I was.

            You’re confused, I know. This entire night, I have been speaking in nearly tongues, vague and sorrowful. What can I say, speaking of this stuff brings back a flood of terrible memories as well as sweet feelings. I hope one day, long after I’m gone, you can feel the latter and never have to open the floodgates of sorrow. I know that after I am gone and after I have told you everything, I will be at peace, learning to love the other members from afar as well as learning to love myself and accept the mistakes I have made. At least let me tell you of this one.

            “G-good morning Lulu. Did you sleep well?” Xiumin’s bright smile greeted me as I rolled of bed. He was covered in dust and a light sheen of sweat layered his brow. All the same, I smiled, proud to be with our hyung, proud that I was the one that he always came too at beautiful moments like this. Although my brain was delighted to see him, my body was too tired to even react and I only grumbled as I threw a hand over my eyes, starting to realize how bright it was in the small dorm room.

“Looks like you did. Are you alright?” he asked, same smile never fading as he flopped on the side of my bed. A part of me wanted to kick him off the bed, my instinct trying to kick in. “Ah, ah, ah, Lulu, calm down. You know I just want to be close to you. D-Do you want me to get up?” he asked insecurely, face contorting into a slight pout.

            “Ah, it’s not that. Come here, hyung,” I finally replied, outstretching my arms for him. Reluctantly, he crawled into bed with me and gently lay his head on my chest as my arms slowly wrap around him.

            “Lulu?” he whispered.

            “What is it, hyung?” I asked groggily, trying to recover my voice.

            “Do you like Sehun?” he asked bluntly, not even budging as if he had said something completely ordinary.

            “What on Earth made you think that?” I asked completely taken aback, my arms wrapping around him tighter as my body tensed.

            “It’s just that I have heard things from the other members and you’re always around him now. I never really see you anymore and it gets really lonely. Are you tired of me, Lulu?” he asked sadly. I could tell he was trying to ward off the tears and that he was failing with every passing second. It broke my heart to hear him whimper to me, almost crying over something so wrong, so imaginary. I would have been lying to say that I did not enjoy being with the maknae of the group, that I did not enjoy laughing and smiling with him, that I did not have the tiniest of feelings for him. What could I say, he was charming, pulling me in for something, but I could never replace Xiumin, even if I didn’t completely understand my own feelings about anything.

            “No, I can only love you, baozi. So I’m hanging with the maknae a little more. It’s just very nice to be with the other half of this crazy family of ours is all and Sehun is the one I connect with the most out of the six of them,” I explained genuinely, trying to avoid giving away any of myself or my feelings. Did it hurt me to hide myself from him? Of course, over the weeks, months, we had gotten closer and we could only confide in each other. We could only be with each other. We could only love each other. Yet, I was hiding myself, just to spare him. If I knew he would find out, if I knew that he would be so hurt afterwards, I would have told him right then and there and hopefully, we would never have to go through the struggle again. I wish I had told him so he could have helped me. I won’t blame Sehun, nor will I blame the alcohol. I only blame myself, with good cause.

            “Oh, I think I’m just being paranoid. I’m just hearing all of this stuff and I think that it’s getting to me. So, you really don’t have any feelings for him at all?” I froze. Was I really going to lie to him? To be honest, I had no idea what I felt or what to do with any of the emotions that I thought I had for the other.

            “I don’t have any feelings for him that I don’t have for you. He’s just a nice person to be with is all. I enjoy his company, but like I said, never think that I am replacing you. Replacing you would be like losing my life. My little Minseok, I love you,” I assured him, running my fingers through his hair until he moved to sit up and place a hand on my chest, his fingers lightly tapping in time with my heartbeat. That is the one thing that I have always been proud of- that we can communicate and sync with each other without saying a word. I was made for him and he was made for me, despite the troubles we’ve endured. I can’t even say that I’m surprised that he caught on so quickly. The only thing he couldn’t do was pinpoint my feelings, but again, it’s not his fault.

            “Lulu, you won’t ever lie to me, right?” he asked timidly, staring straight at me, his cat-like eyes piercing my very soul- or what was left of it.

            “Of course not. Why are you being like this, baozi. Did you have a bad dream without me or something?” He scratched the back of his head awkwardly, ashamed to look at me this time. “Baozi…” I trailed off, my lips slightly. He quickly shook his head before turning away, his back to me. “Baozi…” I tried again, sitting up beside him.

            “Forget about it. I’m being silly again,” he whimpered.

            “Minseok, baby, don’t do this again. Do I have to help you out again? You were so smiley just a few minutes ago. Minseok, hyung?” Getting no reply, I turned him around to look at me though he refused to look me in the eye. “Looks like I have to get creative with this. Do you want that baozi?”  I hinted, running my hands up and down his sides smoothly, my fingers massaging him gently. He fidgeted at my touch but didn’t try squirming away. Small gasps escaped his mouth and I chuckled, all the while staring at his soft pink lips. In that moment, how I wanted to kiss them again, how I wanted his tongue running over mine as he won dominance like he always did, but it wasn’t the time yet. I had to work a little harder, a little harder to get him to open up again, a little harder to dispel the feelings for Sehun that waited inside. “Minseok, are you going to use your words for me? You want to tell me how much you like this?” I coaxed, rubbing a little harder and pulling him onto my now open lap. He shook his head stubbornly, refusing to let himself break, though his gasps and quiet moans gave him away. Gently, I lie back, all the while continuing my ministrations, snaking my hand sunder his shirt. I finally found his and twirled my fingers around, unwinding him with every ghostly touch. “You know I love you right?” I whispered. He finally nodded, biting his lip roughly, holding on to his resolve by a single thread of pride. Something people like you never knew was that Xiumin is very stubborn, always trying his best to stay calm. He’s just a gentle soul like that, but when he loses composure…. I’d rather not say. “Well, since you know that I love you, why don’t you prove how much you love me, too?” I cooed, my lips once more.

I’m ashamed now to have asked that of him. He loved and still does love me with all of his heart and now, he is the only one that I love, but then, I was so selfish, so inconsiderate. There I was, entertaining thoughts of an affair with Sehun in the meantime while he was pouring his heart out to me, revealing himself to only me. Of course, he was the only one I could think of as he pounced on me, lips crashing into my own, tongue snaking into my waiting mouth, hands roughly pulling up my shirt before his mouth hungry and nipped at my bare skin. He was the only person on my mind as I moaned his name like a mantra as he had his way with me. I could only think of how easily he could transform from a sweet bunny to a wild savage wanting to nearly devour me and consume me with his lust. Being with Xiumin is unbelievable every time and that first time was mindblowing- or it would have been. Unfortunately, the fun ended too soon and Xiumin had to revert back to his calm self when Suho and Kris rapped at the door. We both had forgotten our schedules. No matter how much we loved each other or wanted to be together, we still finally had a full album out and we still had to practice and promote.

Panting, I finally mustered enough energy to answer a meek “Uh, yeah, what’s up guys?”

“Luhan? Is Xiumin with you? It’s time for schedules~” Suho reminded us.

“I don’t care what the two of you are doing, hyungs, but it’s really time to go. Did you forget we have a comeback stage tomorrow?” Kris growled on the other side of the door, trying his best to sound authoritative. I had since learned that Kris, as intimidating as he seemed, was a sweetheart and always cared about all of us. When he left, we knew we had lost a great leader and a great brother.

“A-Alright, give us a sec. We’ll be out in a few seconds,” I called as Xiumin climbed off of me and smoothed his hair.

“Alright, hurry hurry, hyungs. We’ll be waiting,” Suho chimed, satisfied.

“Well, maybe he isn’t with Sehun, that or he’s two-timing the both of them,” Kris muttered, but it was still loud enough to break my heart and make Xiumin scramble away before I could even kiss him once more. Though it seems so trivial, simple, small things like being able to kiss Xiumin on more time haunts me. I should have never taken him for granted. UI should have never thought that I could hide from him. We knew too much about each other and we were too connected. I’m just glad we stayed together.

“Yo, hyung, water?” Sehun chirped as we all slumped against the walls of the dance practice room, exhausted and slowly suffocated in the hot air of the room. I nodded before taking the drink and sipping slowly. I handed it back and he took a gulp out of it before sitting next to me, laying his head on my shoulder. I hate to admit it, but it made my heart flutter to have him that close to me, so shameless and so innocent. It also made my mind race with adrenaline knowing there was a thrill of being caught. Xiumin was out at the bathroom at the time and just those few seconds of rebellion made my mind blur with excitement. Thinking back on it now, it was foolish to be that way. I wasn’t some punk in high school who felt like he had to be a bad boy. I was a grown man with a heart only for a man with a heart of gold. I just didn’t realize that there was so much more to love than simply falling in love only to break everyone involved. Let me tell you (you probably already know since you have been with me for so long), love is no game and if you’re trying to go for a goal other than living each day with the one who has your heart, you’re loving the wrong way and you won’t get anywhere of value. Love has no real goal other than to stay in love. If there’s any other goal, you’re only playing. Please, don’t repeat my mistakes and play the way I have, just don’t. I wish I had followed what I had just told you.

“Hyung, I’m so tired. How much more do we have to go?” he whined, turning slightly so that he could throw an arm across my waist. My heart still sped although it was not uncommon for any of us to have this kind of skinship.

“I don’t know, Sehunnie. All I know is that we have to be perfect. This is our comeback stage that we are talking about. We have to make sure the fans love us. C’mon, the others are getting ready again. Up,” I sighed, wriggling free of his grip and helping him up. Just then, Xiumin walked back in. I saw his eyes widen before returning back to normal size after I smiled at him, trying to nonverbally assure him that it was nothing. It was so strange, almost like acting out a charade. I had to hide so much and keep my heart in check to save him from heartbreak. In the end, all of us ended up broken, more broken than I am now, if you can believe it. I was such a hypocrite, always telling him it’s not worth it to hide anything about himself or his wonderful personality, but I was doing the same, trying to convince myself that everything that I was doing was alright, that it was nothing. It wasn’t worth it.

You know, the further I go with this long memory, the more you will think of me as a monster and, to be honest, I don’t know if I have any defense against it if you did. I’ve done some terrible things in my life, as has everyone else, but this was too far and much too much for any of us to handle. I only hope that you appreciate the insight I reveal to you. Just remember, no one is as perfect as they seem and I’ll prove that to you tonight. I warn you, this gets pretty heavy. Do you want me to continue? You nodded as shifted on the couch, eyes wide in the dim moonlight. I bit my lip and tried to continue though I knew I was nowhere close to the end of the torture.

The time continued to fly, the air grew denser with sweat and body heat and all of us needed a break before we collapsed. I trudged to a secluded corner of the room and rested my head in my knees as I tried to catch my breath. I love dancing but even I know the things you love the most can turn to hurt you and the pain is greater than anything you have ever endured or could imagine. Who knew that that rule applied to people as well? I continued to fall deeper into isolation and repose until I felt someone lay their head on my shoulder. I jolted up to see that it was only my darling Xiumin.

“Are you alright, Lulu?” he asked meekly, twisting an arm around my own as I rubbed my eyes, trying to readjust to the bright light. I smiled weakly and nodded before resting my head against the wall. “Are you sure? You seem very quiet and I’m really worried about you. You know you can talk to me about anything that’s bothering you,” he reminded me as he nuzzled his nose in my neck, making me shiver, half out of guilt and half out of innocent pleasure. I really wish he hadn’t been so sweet like that. How could he not know that something was wrong and that I was merely hiding it all from him? Well, maybe he did know and he couldn’t bring himself to be mean to me and leave me. Maybe, he endured the pain in hopes of keeping me happy. Maybe he dealt with all the lies and stuffed the feelings deep down in his chest until he had hard proof that this was not going to get better until it was all revealed in the end. Maybe he knew. I wish he had seen it all. I wish he had been an , wish he had yelled at me, and wish he had called me a cheater, a liar, anything and everything that I deserved. But he didn’t. He never has. I know it still hurts him but he is mending and I hope that he continues to mend even after I’m gone. He’s too sweet to endure anymore pain.

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just that I didn’t get much sleep last night. While you were knocked out, sleeping like a baby, I just couldn’t sleep. I stared at you for some time, trying to find peace, but all I found was a cute little baozi next to me that kept me up all night. Thanks a lot,” I chuckled, pressing a kiss to his forehead. I know that was a lie, but at least not all of it was. I really did stare at him for some time, but not for the reason that I stated. I stared at him, trying to find a reason to end all of it, with him, with Sehun, but I found none. I convinced myself that I was right again; however, though it is only half a lie, even that hurt. Half lies may be smaller, but in the end, they hurt twice as much. All the same, he smiled brightly before cuddling closer with me. I sighed in slight relief and looked around the room only to catch Sehun’s eye. He looked depressed before glancing down at Xiumin, indicating that he was the problem. It was a shame that he thought that and it was even worse that I somewhat believed him. Don’t misunderstand, by no means was Xiumin ever a problem between just the two of us. He always kept me smiling and satisfied and I hope that I made him feel the same. Our love was strong when it as just the two of us in our own little world, just the two of us against the world, but our love crumbled when the world in the form of Oh Sehun came between us. Then, he was a problem, then he was a cause of regret. Because of him, Sehun and I could never be something more than what we were (I will explain later). Because of Xiumin, both of our hearts broke every time we saw each other, every time we touched, every time we whispered each other’s name. Xiumin was a problem then- or so I liked to think. Sehun and I constantly blamed him for the reason we couldn’t be anything more, but on the inside, I knew it was wrong and that it wasn’t his fault, it was his fight to keep me, a scoundrel, someone who didn’t deserve him. Sehun probably still secretly blames him, but even he knew the truth. It wasn’t because of Xiumin that we couldn’t be with each other, it was because of us.

“Aww, really? I’m sorry, Lulu. I didn’t think you cared that much about me. You’re so good to me,” he whispered affectionately. Little did he know every word hit me like a brick.

“Of course, only for you,” I nodded. Only for him did I stay up countless hours thinking of what to do, only for him did my heart break when I was with Sehun, only for him did I do anything and everything. As twisted as all of my actions were, they were all, in some form, centered around Kim Minseok- my hard work for EXO, my sleepless nights, my complicated relationship with Sehun- all for him.

“Hyungs~” Suho chimed. “Let’s all go home, now. We all need a break,” he added with a bright smile. With pleasure, the two of us got up, supporting each other as we walked. That was about as much support as I would give him for a long time. He was supporting a monster as I supported a wreck. We were both crippled and at the moment, we couldn’t do anything about it.

“Aigoo, I’m sooo exhausted~” Xiumin whined childishly as he rubbed his eyes once we got back to the privacy of our own room in the dorm. “Lulu, cuddle with me,” he pleaded, waddling towards me, arms wide open as I took off my shirt, tired myself.

“Ah, baozi, at least let me get changed first,” I chuckled.

“Nuh uh, I like your muscles. Cuddle with me,” he insisted, crashing against my body as he wrapped his arms around my neck and molded his lips with my own. I couldn’t help but to moan as his tongue slyly worked into my mouth and he ground his body against me. In that moment, he was all I could think of. “Lulu, me,” he whispered as he pulled away to stare up at me.

“Baozi, I thought you said you were tired,” I reminded him. “Your body’s really sore. I saw the way you could barely climb up the stairs,” I added, trying to find any excuse to not. It’s not that I didn’t want to, but I knew that our first time- if there was going to be a first time- had to be special and with my state of mind and heart, I could not promise him nor myself that it would be special. It would merely be an escape, a temporary release that would only hurl me into the waves of despair, regret, and heartbreak.

“But Luhan~” he pouted, running his hands up and down my sides, trying his best to coerce me.

“Not today, Xiumin. We’re too tired and you’re just a little out of it from all the overwork. Really, it’s not the time.”

“Oh, I get it. Do you really not love me, Luhan? Do you really not want me?” he asked, backing away from me as if he knew I was a monster, reverting back to his insecure thoughts that plagued him before we had started dating.

“It’s not that at all, baozi. It’s just that if we do it now, it won’t be special and our first time should be special, when we both are in our best states of mind and body and when we can’t resist each other enough to stop it. I want you so so badly, it’s just really not the time. Babe, I promise that I will never leave you and that I will never get bored or tired of you. I also promise that I will always be with you and I want to make you happy.”

“Do you really mean that?” I nodded before crashing my lips against his, tugging him closer to me, increasing the warmth with an already passionate, heated kiss. He moaned uncontrollably into the kiss before I decided to soften the kiss, realizing I was only working him up.

“I want you to understand that I want- I need- you in more ways than something strictly physical. My sweet, y little baozi, I want to be with you for a long, long time and I want to learn everything about you- everything that you like, everything that you hate, and everything you want from me. Just give me time, alright?"” I cooed when I finally pulled away and cupped his cheek in my palm. As much as you think that is a lie, I meant every word, without even thinking of Sehun. I wanted him to know how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. I was only a little confused at the time and had lost my way, but looking back on it now and I understand that Kim Minseok meant and still means so much to me and he is the only one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I will make sure that, when I’m gone and this company feeds me to the hellhounds and cuts all ties with me, that there is a way to see my darling Minseok. I never thought that I needed much in my life, but if anything, I need him in my life.

“Luhan, I love you so much. I know that I am a lot to put up with, but I want you to know that I am really trying to open up and let you love me like you want to. I know that you will never do anything to hurt me. I also want you to know that I won’t do anything to hurt you either and if I ever do, talk to me. I want to let you in and I want you to let me in, too,” he assured me before giving me a chaste hug. “C’mon, let’s get some sleep” he yawned, pulling away and grabbing my hand to lead me to bed. He fit so wonderfully in my arms as we cuddled and his breathing became more and more rhythmic. Minutes passed as he fell into a deep sleep and sleep was trying its best to consume me as well. With him there with me, I was at peace for once in a long time and didn’t need to think of Sehun to make myself feel better. I was his in body and mind and I would stay his. I wish that time was always like that, Xiumin and I as one, doing our best for the band. Then, I heard a knock. I reluctantly shuffled out of bed.

“Who is it?” I whispered once I had finally reached the door. I looked back at Xiumin to make sure he was still sound asleep.

“We just need to talk.” The voice sounded familiar by my mind was too blurred to figure out who it was. When we weren’t singing, to be honest, many of us sounded the same. I remember a fan said that Lay and I sounded alike as well. I really had no clue who was at our door instead of getting much needed sleep for the following day. I creaked open the door and, before I could say anything, a pair of lips crashed against my own. Before my mind could comprehend the situation, he was gone with nothing more than a hushed “I want you”.

A/N: Well, as you can tell, this will be a split chapter. It just will take wayyy too much to be just one chapter. But whether you are a Hunhan shipper or a Xiuhan shipper, I hope you liked this chapter and the next one that will come. I will try to update soon. Thanks for reading~ :D