I really tried not to cry, but the tears kept streaming. I really want to stay strong and composed that night after our very first performance all together, but can you really blame me for breaking? We've all been broken and we've all had emotions run out of us, but usually, that is for the worse. This time, I was broken only because all the hard work had finally paid off, all the sweat, long hours and constant determination had paid off. I was with my brothers and we were a family now. Our debut stage-or special stage- with all of us together is the one thing that had kept me going through even the worst of all of this. I watched it again a few days ago, chuckling at the low resolution on youtube (I'm glad that over the last few years, video resolution has improved, allowing all of us to look our very best. I'm sure you were upset with the low resolution, too, huh?) before immediately tearing up, choking a little. I'm sure you've watched it plenty of times yourself, haven't you? Now that you know about all of this, is it hard for you to keep in the tears, too? I won't blame you if you say “yes”. That performance has made us all cry, whether it be out of joy, physical exhaustion, or anguish, every one of us has cried over that video for something. When I saw it a few days ago, I cried only because of how good it felt to watch it all over again, to experience that magical moment one last time. It warmed my heart to see us all together again, working our best to make people like you happy. I'm not at all hurt- at least, not like I should be- but happy, happy that records like this exist, happy that places like youtube will keep the memories alive. When I leave, that's all I want. I've realized it's okay to cry now, and was more than acceptable to cry that night, though I tried my hardest to hold it in and restrain myself. Even before the Miracles in December album was even thought of, I knew it was my turn to cry. I don't regret it and I never will.

“Yah, hyung!” Lay ran to me, sobbing, his face drenched with sweat and tears as he smiled as brightly as he could through the tears. I wrapped my arms around him and smiled, wiping away a few tears of my own as he continued to sob into my chest. “We-we did it, hyung,” he huffed in between moans. “It feels just so good,” he whimpered, looking up at me with his calm, bloodshot eyes. I merely smiled and smoothed my fingers through his smooth black hair.

“We really did, Yixing, my friend. We made it and we have such a long journey left to go,” I assured him, smile never fading.

“Will we be together forever, hyung?” Thinking about it now, I wish I had meant what I had said when I answered with an “of course”, but now it stings me to think about that question. It seems so small of a question but it held so many possibilities, ones that even the best of us couldn't even imagine. We were one back then and we are still one, but the question has that power to still haunt, sort of like a “What if” is you can think of it that way. In a way, it was as if he had asked “what if”. What if one of us left? What if one of us collapsed or even died? What if we were no longer one? We didn't know the answer back then but we could only hope that we did. We had to learn the answer after incident after incident occurred within our family. We know that answer now. I know the answer, too. The one thing we did know and still believe is that we are and will always be one, no matter where the wind blows us all.

Amidst the congratulations and cheers from the staff on our performance, it was only the two of us, believing each other and believing everything would be alright. I can't say that it isn't alright now, just we're all just a little broken right now, that's all, but that night, we were all riding high and we had nothing but hope in our hearts, especially Lay. I still consider him the kindest, most gentle member of us all. If Suho is an angel, then he must surely be a god. To say he has a heart of gold is both an understatement and an insult. He never cared about any of the money that any of us made. He never cared about the popularity. He just cared about all of us individually. When all of us are gone, away from this industry altogether, he will still call us all brothers with the same smile he wore years ago. I only wish him the best when this is all over. I'm sure he will be the light that illuminates the hearts of the others with my absence; after all, that's all he wants to be in this world.

“Ah, congratulations, Yixing. Your dancing was impeccable,” a female staff member squealed, effectively making Lay jump out of my arms, his face turning an even darker shade of red as he blushed at the compliment. He was always so modest. With a smile and a quick wave, I bid him and the staff member goodbye to find my way to the dressing room that I, unsurprisingly and to my delight, shared with Xiumin. To my shock, the door was locked. I didn't recall seeing my elder shuffle past me to get to the room first; nonetheless, I took a deep breath and tried rapping at the door. No response.

“Xiumin, are you in there?” I asked softly, rapping my knuckles at the door again. I heard shuffling, but little more. I heard soft whimpers, but couldn't understand why. “Baozi?” I asked, hoping he would recognize my voice and the nickname. I stepped back as I heard approaching footsteps. In an instant, he pulled me inside, his small hands shaking as he gripped at my shirt as if holding on for dear life. “Baozi, you've been crying again. Why?” I asked, concerned, wrapping my arms around his waist until he loosened his grip on my outfit. He stared up at me, eyes bloodshot, but his tears were not from joy as Lay's were, his saline tears held another story just as bitter. “C'mon, hyung, let's sit and talk this out,” I suggested, walking him backwards to the couch behind him. Weak and not wishing to try, he complied and plopped down on the smooth red velvet of the couch. “Talk so to me, hyung,” I urged, lifting his chin up with my index finger so that he was forced to face me. His eyes darted around the room, refusing to rest on my face. I understood as the tears began to well in his eyes again. With every tear threatening to fall from his perfect eyes, my heart was breaking, plummeting into the abyss of nothingness, stopping. “Baozi?” I asked again, moving my face closer to his, not at all even thinking about the close proximity. His eyes finally rested on mine, only to widen instantly as his breath hitched. “I-I'm not going to move until you speak to me,” I warned, surprising myself with my authoritativeness towards my elder. He gulped, obviously fighting with himself, contemplating on if he could let me in once more. “I won't judge you, baozi, I just want to help,” I assured him, reading his mind and his expressions. “What's wrong with my favorite hyung?” I asked, placing my other hand on his thigh for support. He shivered at my touch before his body relaxed.

“I-I wasn't good enough again,” he nearly whispered before burying his head in my chest.

“What do you mean again? Since when were you never good enough to begin with? Hyung, look at me,” I urged, trying to lift his head once more. He only began to whimper into my shirt again.

“I wasn't good enough. Simple as that. I can never be as good as you or Jongin or Yixing or Chen or Baekhyun or Kyungsoo or anyone. Why am I even here?” It's funny, sometimes I asked myself that all the time. I think as humans, we all wonder why we're in the place, the situation, the time that we are. He simply meant why was he part of this family? Why was he chosen for this wonderful, almost holy experiment, but the question held so many more questions than could have answers. Why are we here, truly? Why do we do the things that we do? People often ask why bad people do the things that they do but they never ask why good people do the things that they do. Why? They just assume that good people are put on Earth to better others, but I don't think that was why people like Lay was put on this Earth. Sure, benign people like him bring out the best in others, but it is ultimately up to those same people to bring out the best in themselves. We all have a purpose that we will never figure out until possibly the moment right before we die. In the meantime, we have to merely hope for ourselves and believe that we are here, wherever we are, for a reason. I wish I could have told him that before, but I was just as naïve and clueless as any of the others. None of us knew.

“You never get to choose the family that you come from and it's best not to ask “why”. You're here for a reason. We all are. We are the best and we are one, so it is up to all of us to prove it not only to the fans, but to ourselves as well,” I answered, running my fingers through his lush hair.

“Then I am the black sheep of the family,” he scoffed, unable to see the beauty, the compassion, the strength that he held.

“Hyung...” I trailed off, an idea forming.

“Mmm?” he hummed, still refusing to look up at me.

“Stand up,” I replied simply, prying him off of me to rise to my feet. Finally, he looked at me, his face riddled with an unreadable expression. “I said stand, hyung,” I repeated calmly, holding out my hand for him. With trembling legs, he did as he was told, all the while staring at me the way you are staring at me now. “Take off your shirt,” I stated simply, raising an eyebrow, not completely sure what I was intending to do if he did.

“B-but, why?” he asked nervously.

“You said you weren't good enough? That's only a veil and I know it. This all stems from something much more important and serious. You think you're inadequate because you think you're fat, baozi. Take off your shirt and I will prove to you otherwise.”

“I'm sorry?” he asked, raising an eyebrow as well as his voice, exhibiting some of the natural sass that he naturally possessed. I don't know if any of you noticed, but my dear hyung has an unbelievable amount of sass. Living in the dorms with him has proven that he has long since put Tao, Kris, Chen and Baekhyun to shame in that category. All the same, I love him dearly and you should always remember, just as you remember me, that he is and will always be a sweet soul.

“Take off your shirt, hyung, or do I have to do it for you?” I challenged, mentally cursing at myself afterwards for being so direct. I didn't know what it was then that compelled me to be son demanding or needing of him, I simply dismissed it as my duty to help him realize his greatness. I realize now, it was the seeds of love and admiration for the shy baozi that forced me to do it. It's a little late to realize it now, but it's better now than never. Do you agree? I took a step towards him. He almost hissed as he turned to do it himself, his hands trembling as he fumbled with the hem of the shirt. I stared in awe, I suppose, as he slowly lifted it above his head and threw the shirt onto the couch before him. Still, he refused to face me. “Hyung, you have to learn to love yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror. Look at me,” I urged, wondering how much coercion it would take until he did so. To my surprise, with unsteady movement, he turned to me, his chest rising and falling quickly as his breath hitched once more, an indication he was on the verge of tears again. “Hey, hey, hey, hyung, you have to calm down. It's alright. I'm right here,” I reassured him, stepping closer to cup his soft, round face in my palm. “I'm going to move out the way now and I want you to stare at yourself and tell yourself that you love you,” I stated slowly before stepping aside. He instantly dropped to his knees, the words forever lost. I immediately stooped down to wrap my arms around his bare waist as he sobbed in front of me.

“I-I can't do it, Lulu,” he whined. My heart stopped at the not-so-manly nickname, but it also fluttered that he cared enough to give me a nickname. I still go by that around the dorms. I refuse to have the younger members call me Lu-ge or use any useless formalities if it's not necessary and we are not in public. If you called me Lulu, I would even blush, always glad to hear it on your lips. Since that night, because of him, I have gone by that name and will continue to do so with those closest to my heart.

“Why not, baozi? At least stand for me. Don't even look at the mirror. I'll teach you to love yourself a different way,” I cooed, resting my chin on his shoulder until moments later, I felt him fidget to stand on his feet. He stared at me, eyes red. He was tired of crying. I was tired of watching him cry. He was tired of being inadequate. I was tired of having him hate himself. “Minseok,” I began, using his real name before cupping his cheek. “You are more handsome, more talented, more special than you will ever know. I don't want you to hate yourself anymore. You're here for a reason. We all are and if I have to prove that to you everyday, then so be it. Apparently, you didn't believe me when I said it the first time. Minseok, if you need someone to talk to, talk to me. If you need someone to laugh with, laugh with me. If you need someone to lean your head on, lean on me. I am here for you. I will be with you and all the members always. Please, just believe me. In time, you will learn to love yourself. Do you understand me, hyung?” All I wanted was to be understood and that's all I want now. I have no idea how the other members will accept my departure and I truly regret leaving you, but all I want is to be understood. The only two things humans want in this world is to be wanted and to be understood. This is why babies cry and scream so much, because they wish to be understood, but don't have the means to do so. I just want to be understood in my decision to leave and I just wanted him to understand every wonderful trait that he has. It made it easier for when this time had to come.

“O-okay,” he replied meekly. “I will.”

“Good, that's all I ask. Now, we should get changed. The rest of the members and manager are probably waiting to go. I heard Suho and Kris planned a celebratory dinner for us all,” I smiled. “If you need me to, I'll feed you there, too, just so you don't feel like you're eating too much.”

“Pfft, I don't need you to do that. I can feed myself. Don't ever do that in public. Show some respect your hyung,” he scoffed reaching for his casual shirt, brows furrowed although I knew the threat was only halfhearted.

“Alright, fine, just never feel down again. Talk to me first. But since you said I can't do it in public, can I do it in private?” I jested. He whipped his head back to pout at me, the corners of his lips betraying his sincerity as he tried warding off a smile. “I'll take that as a “yes”,” I smirked. I heard him huff, mumbling something about me being an insolent dongsaeng before he trailed off to something I couldn't quite discern. We dressed in silence, sending each other quick glances, and communicating only with our soft features. Instead of telekinesis, how I wish my power was telepathy. Then, I would have been able to understand everything about my hyung in those silent minutes. All the same, I have learned so much about him over the years, things I would never tell anyone, not even you, my dear, secrets that he trusts with his life I will never divulge. It started with that one talk, that one night, the real beginning.

“Yah! Hyungs, are you guys done in there? I'm starving,” Jongin whined from the other side of the door minutes later, jolting us from our own world and forcing us to enter the world of others. In our silent bliss, we had forgotten about the others and created a stronger friendship- a stronger bond, because now, it goes so much further than a simple friendship.

“Ah, yeah, we're almost ready. We're just putting on our shoes,” I called, quickly jamming myself into my jeans and stealing glances at Xiumin, who was doing the same.

“It's about time,” Sehun scoffed, flipping his hair to the side once we finally emerged seconds later.

“Yah, Sehun, be respectful to your hyungs,” both Kris and Suho admonished. Sehun simply rolled his eyes and strutted ahead of the two kind leaders.

“So, as a treat and for our first real time together, we convinced manager to let us go out to eat a celebratory dinner. Hurry, hurry, hyungs,” Suho chimed, nearly skipping away to stop Sehun and Baekhyun from bickering about who knows what and the ever energetic Chanyeol from bouncing off the walls, leaving us behind, trailing the end of the rest of the M members. We didn't mind. From the back, we could observe so much and have time to think about everyone in front of us, from the firm Kris to the wild Chanyeol, to the infantile Tao, who clung to Kris for dear life, and everyone else. This was our family and to be honest, we didn't want to trade any of them away for anything in the world, which makes times like this or Kris leaving all the harder to bear. Sometimes, I beat myself up for doing this to them and wonder if I'm being selfish like the company brands me. I always thought I would gladly give my life for them, my brothers and my friends for life, but when it almost happened, I began to think again. We knew what we were getting into when we first signed our contracts in blood- just being overdramatic about the blood part. Don't take that seriously- but we didn't know how bad it could get and now, now that I realize how bad it has gotten, am I really all that selfish for leaving?

I don't remember much else about that night besides Baekhyun getting terribly drunk, eventually babbling about his precious eyeliner and some poodle that I don't think he had ever even seen- at least not in real life, perhaps in a dream. Besides, this is why sometimes, we call him a sassy poodle- and Suho and Kris trying their best to reign in the other rowdy members, one of which being Tao, who thought it would be a good idea to try to flirt with the waitress. See, these are the things that you never hear about because you're never at the source. Yes, our family is weird. Yes, our family is wild. Yes, our family is dysfunctional from time to time, but we've learned to survive and have fun along the way. Of course, Baekhyun has learned to control his liquor (How I prayed the two maknaes would be better when they got to drinking age) and we have learned how to control each other, but really, we've learned so much more. We've learned to love. That night was the first real night of our unity.

Bear with me, I have many more nights to speak of before this one ends.

A/N: Second chapter done and I think that I'm getting better at this first person thing. I apologize if some of you ship Xiuhan, but if you haven't noticed, that's where this is going. Even if you don't like the ship, I hope you enjoy the chapters themselves. Thanks so much for reading!