I wiped the sweat away from my brow and plopped against the wall, exhausted, heart racing as the music continued to blare. I thought I was going to go deaf, but seeing the others dance and eventually, one by one sit down for a break made me smirk, knowing this would all pay off in the end. Did it really? Of course it did. Looking back on the years, the sweat, the aching bones, the racing hearts, the fatigue only to walk on stage weeks later to the cheers and beaming smiles of fans, it was all worth it. But first, we had to suffer- well, suffer isn't the right word- endure the process that led up to all our success. In the end, now, it was worth it. I will always think it was worth it. Even when I am elderly and can no longer dance or sing or even walk without trembling, I will look back on these years fondly as the best years of my life, the years that made me who I am. The air was thick and humid as the twelve of us, now all sitting, slumped and tried to catch our breath. I looked to my right to see the youngest two members chatting, already creating a strong friendship, though they matured to be the evil, but adorable maknaes they are now. I looked to my left to see the two future leaders discussing how they thought practice was going and what they could do to improve their skills as well as motivate the rest of us so that we would all do our absolute best. I always did. We always did.

“Luhan?” an angelic voice chimed ever so sweetly. Suho always did have a sweet voice, almost as nice as yours when I got to hear it. I looked up to him, smiling brightly and staring into his gorgeous brown eyes. Though people like you always thought I had the nicest eyes, so wide and full of curiosity, I always thought his were the best, always full of hope and so much love for every one of us. Evene when things got bad, like when one of us got sick or Kris left, his eye smile never faltered. He may have frowned with his mouth, his mind might have been deprived of joy, but his eyes, his eyes always told a story of hope and happiness that I wish I could have achieved in my years with my brothers. Of course, I was happy, more than happy and would have no regrets of dying on stage with any of them, in front of you, but I was never as happy as he was, never as strong. I would get angry and hide away from the world, wanting to hurt no one. I would always clam up, unlike how you and others got to see me. Though I was always with you, I never showed you all of me. I was too weak to. I was no Suho and I could not handle everything that life threw at me as efficiently as he could. Even now, I think of how he will fare, how he will survive, how he will help the others prosper after yet another disappointment, after another departure, after another one of his brothers leaves. Out of all of them, however, he will be the one to survive and pull the others, one by one, hand in hand, out of the imminent depression that will come with my leaving. “Luhan?” he asked again, jolting me out of my deep admiration and thought.

“Ah, huh?” I stammered, blinking quickly, bringing myself back to Earth.

“You did well out there. You are a very talented dancer. I am quite proud of you,” he complimented in smooth Korean with a charming smile that I must admit melted my heart. “I have a favor to ask of you and I understand if it is too much for you...” he trailed off.

“Yes?” I asked expectantly. I don't know what I was expecting, but I do know that I didn't really care. You see, all I wanted to do was help each and every one of the members in any way that I could. Though we had not even debuted yet, I knew they would be my family. They still are. Even as I leave, I still support every one of them and help them in spirit. I know I can never be public with them ever again due to the company's strict regulations regarding incidents like this, but my love will always be with them and I pray they find a way to come to me when they simply need someone to talk to. I just want to help. I just want to see all of them succeed.

“Would you be willing to help Kris, Chen, and Chanyeol with their dancing? I will be here to supervise, but we only have a few days until our debut and we need to be as perfect as we possibly can. Please?” he almost pleaded.

“Of course, I've been wanting to get to know those members better anyhow. I would love to,” I replied genuinely, shaking my head fervently.

“Ah, thank you so much! You truly are an angel!” he replied excitedly, clapping his hands together, his smile widening. He called me an angel, me, the one that is leaving his brothers, his family behind, the one that can not continue. I look at you and think you are the real angel in life and then I think of myself, the disgust and self-loathing that comes along with being me, the torture I know I will bring to my brothers, and another way out. There is none. There is no turning back now. An angel would have made a way. I am no angel. Don't lie to me. You know that you are hurt by my decision, too. You hate me, don't you? I try taking your hand and nothing. Don't be disappointed in me, please, please, understand why I do what I do. You merely nod, silently urging me to continue. I only smirked, not an arrogant one, but a smirk that revealed only how much I knew he was lying. He wasn't lying per se, he just didn't know everything about me yet. It was much too early for that. Now, he knows everything about me. I wonder if he still thinks of me as an angel or merely a child who turned rambunctious and troublesome. I hope I do not cause him too many sleepless nights and tear stained pillows. He must be strong, just like the others.

As Kris' voice boomed, telling us all to try again and we slowly pulled ourselves to our feet, our break over, he smiled lightly at me, a smile that was always so rare to the public, but so dear to my heart. Before he left, people assumed Kris was so nonchalant, so cool of a person with no real interest in anything or anyone other than EXO. This is far from the case. From that day forward, he was always so kind to me, always respectful when the situation called for it since I was his hyung and always such a joy to be around. He was never cross, but always so calm and authoritative as leader. His calm demeanor always inspired me to try harder in the face of any adversity. After he left, I still remember that smile, that laugh, that aura. I hope he is doing well and I will be sure to send him the others' love. We still love and support him. Do you? As we danced, I noticed the eldest member, whom, to be honest, I thought was younger than me, staring at me, a sort of twinkle permanently in his eye, though he would look away every time our glances connected. You've seen him, before he slimmed down and became so muscular. I bet you thought he was younger than me at first, as well, if it weren't for all the member profiles about us. Yes, I know about most of them and it always makes me smile how people like you could compile so much information about each and every one of us. It makes me smile every time to think of how much you care. It warms all of our hearts, actually. Anyhow, he was staring at me, unable to control himself. Because he is my hyung, and the member I am closest to now, I could not be rude to him. Instead, I decided to speak to him after practice was over.

To be honest, Xiumin was always a curiosity to me. I always wondered about what kind of person he was. What kind of person could be so bright and bubbly, yet so strong and composed, and so sweet and caring for his younger brothers? What kind of person could love so easily like he could? I often ask now, what kind of person he must have been to be so deep in my heart now. How did it get like this? Of course, I didn't think any of this would happen when I first saw him, when I first talked to him, when I first started living with him, but now, I am glad it did. I hope he does well without me. We've been through so much and he knows I will always be with him in spirit, but, as you should know, being present in spirit and not physically are two different things, that play on the heart in two different ways. Don't think too hard about it now. I wouldn't want you to cry. Just like the other members, I want you to save all the tears that you haven't cried yet. Save them for another, a better time. Be strong like the other members, please. Be like Xiumin, like Lay, like Suho, like them all. You wanted to hear my story and I am only on the part of meeting Xiumin and what came next, so please, stay strong, at least until the end, then please, lean on me, hold onto me, and remember me forever.

With practice over, I did as I resolved and mustered the courage to speak to the eldest, hoping he would nto find the approach rude. As the other members filed out of the practice room to head back to the dorms for the time being, I grabbed his arm lightly, just to grab his attention. He whipped his head back to look at me, stunned, eyes wide and body shivering. I had only spoken to him a few times before and could not understand why he was always so shy with me.

“Xiumin?” I began, speaking slowly, as if I were talking to a wild animal.

“Uh,” he drawled, not minding the informal speech.

“How are you?” I asked, retracting my hand with a light, welcoming smile. I wanted to know him. I wanted to understand him. I wanted to love him. I still hold that dear love for him now.

“I-I'm fine. Thank you. Don't you think that we should be heading out? Practice is done now” he suggested, his voice shaking slightly. I pretended that I didn't hear.

“Not for me. I have to come back with Suho to help Kris, Chanyeol, and Chen with their dancing later. I just had to ask why you were staring at me so much during practice. You know, all you had to do was come up to me and speak,” I chuckled, trying not to sound condescending or rude to the kind soul before me. His eyes widened, against my doubts if that was possible. I thought Kyungsoo's eyes were as big and round as they got. “I-Is that a problem?” I asked, raising an eyebrow slightly.

“N-No, it's just that I'm surprised,” he muttered.

“And why is that?”

“Because, of course, we will be a family, but right now, we are scattered members, looking for someone to call friend, someone to call family until we all bond. I'm just surprised that you are already so kind and willing to help any of us though it may mean hurting yourself, or in this case, losing sleep. It's admirable,” he answered shyly. I furrowed my brow, confused. How could I not help someone who was my family? How could I not help people whom already meant so much to me? I couldn't understand him then, but I understand him now, now that I am with everyone and now that I am leaving everyone. We were just a dozen members, who, although we were forced to live with each other, still didn't know each other's joys, each other's dislikes, each other's souls, each other. We were only scratching at the surface of a deep, deep personality that each of us held. We were not yet a family, just all searching for someone, someone we wished we would never have to let go of. We didn't know or feel it yet, but we had wanted to stay together forever. But then, no, I didn't know what he meant and only thought it absurd that he would ask. Now, I understand, I understand.

“Well, why not speed up the process?” I smiled. “I want us to be together for as long as we can and this is a good way to start, don't you think, hyung? Don't you want us to be a family soon, too?”

“You truly are a special soul, aren't you? I wish there were more people in this world like you. You bring out the best in everyone already and we haven't even started. I-I really like you,” he admitted, almost whispering the last words. Of course, I never thought that I would fall for someone like him, or another male for that matter, at the time, so I thought this was but a mere compliment, one that, strangely made my heart flutter and my mind stop momentarily from a benign hyung. Even thinking about it now, everything he had said makes my heart both race and break. I've always been humble, always acting perfect in front of the cameras, in front of you, but never thinking I was anything other than lucky, lucky to be surrounded by such wonderful people, lucky to do such amazing things, and lucky to be your love, so naturally, I didn't think of myself as a good soul. To be honest, there shouldn't be more people like me in this world. There should be more people like you in this world. You are the special one, so strong and understanding as you listen to every word I say and not letting a single tear fall. There shouldn't be more people who have to suffer, split between family and personal reasons for leaving said family. There should be more people who are strong and can continue on, harvesting the pain and using it to better themselves, though their hearts are breaking and they may be clueless as to what to do next. In addition, really, I didn't bring out the best in anyone. You may think I am the glue that was holding EXO together, but I am nothing of the sort. They are the ones that were holding me together, filling every crack when I fell and polishing me so I was brand new, no more wounds or pain after anything, physical or mental. They are my family and they will forever be my glue. Xiumin was just so blind and I wish truly that I didn't have to do this to him, pushing his once blind hope to the side as I leave.

“You give me too much, credit, hyung, but thank you so much. I only wish to do my best along with all of you. I am looking forward to doing everything with all of you. I would like to know you all better. I don't want anything to be forced and I want everything that we feel to be natural. Can you promise we will be friends, together, forever, hyung?” I asked, not able to see the future. Even if I could, I still would have asked, if only for the false hope of always being together. Lay still holds that hope and it breaks my heart, but I know we will all be able to me again one day, without restrictions and with only love for each other. I hope the years don't diminish our memories, and I hope the end of forever never comes. I want to remember and love the others forever.

“O-of course, we will never leave each other. I will stay by your side, Luhan,” he stated affirmatively, grabbing my hand and lacing his fingers with mine, making me shiver for some unknown reason. He looked up at me, eyes still twinkling, holding so many secrets that it would take me even up to this day to crack. I've seen it all with him now- the good, the bad, the confusing, the amusing, the everything- and I will forget none of it.

“Hyungs, it's time to go,” Kris boomed, knocking loudly on the door to catch our attention. We jumped, startled, but still held each other tightly. He looked down at our hands and raised an eyebrow. “What were you guys doing in here?” he asked slowly, as if embarrassed that he had walked in on something.

“We were just talking about how we would be together forever is all,” I replied since Xiumin was clearly speechless, the bright pink as he tried to pull his hand away from mine an indication. I stared at Kris, only emphasizing my sincerity. Little did I know, I was talking to my predecessor in leaving, looking at a future that I feared would come.

“Uh huh,” he nodded slowly. “Anyway, it's time to go. We all want some sleep and there is no way we will leave our hyungs behind. Some of us have to be back here later and we would all appreciate it if we could leave now,” he reminded us.

“Of course, sorry about that, come on, Xiumin, let's go,” I suggested, tugging him lightly along, following Kris out the door.

“Ah, wh-why are you still holding my hand?” he asked shyly, stopping us midway to the car.

“Do you really want me to let go?” He only tightened his grip and continued walking, now tugging me along. I didn't want to let go. I don't want to let go of it all.

“We should all thank Luhan for coming with us and helping us practice. Chen, I know that you should be recording and I apologize, but you do need more help with your dancing,” Suho began as the five of us stood in the same practice room a mere four hours later. We knew there was no such thing as sleep or comfort, but in a sense, we knew what we were doing. We just didn't know how bad it would get. Now that I know, I only wish the other members luck and all the best with my departure. Though I am sad to leave, I am glad that I am free now, a bird whose wings have finally healed and can leave and explore the open world. I only wish that my other bird brothers will be able to do the same, or at least be happy in the same routine. All the same, the memories, each and every one of them, are still with me and that's all I could ever ask for. But back then, more than two years ago, we didn't know what could and would happen and were so hopeful, even if it meant slowly degrading our bodies and minds. Is it still worth it? Why do you keep asking? It will always be worth it. All of this was worth the fight and I still see myself and all my brothers as the victors.

“No, it was really no big deal,” I shrugged as the others bowed to me as if I were a teacher. I was but a friend, and I am now but a brother- still, nothing special. If anything, they taught both you and me. Together, we taught each other and you what love, hard work, and hope were. I hope you paid attention. After the formalities and thanks were exchanged, we started practicing again, the atmosphere much more intimate since each of them could get the attention and tips they deserved. In that short amount of time, of 2 hours (yes, that is short compared to the other schedules we had subsequently), I learned much about each one, valuable personality traits that made each person unique, traits that make each one dear to my heart.

Chen, though portrayed as a prankster, is actually quite sweet, awkward, but sweet. Yes, he can be evil, but he is an extremely hard worker who likes to make the atmosphere lighthearted. He says he finds it easiest to work that way. He's truly someone who enjoys his work, every aspect of it, and being with each of us, every second of it. What he lacks in dancing skills, he clearly makes up in vocals and compassion. I'll miss his various quips every day, even if they were about myself and Xiumin. Life is always more fun when you can laugh at yourself and I hope that you can laugh, or at least smile, now with everything that is happening. Chen would brighten your day even if he couldn't brighten his own.

Chanyeol is happy virus for a reason. His laugh, his smile, his aura is contagious. He is one of the few people in this world that make you truly happy just by smiling at you. He's like the sun, so bright and important to all of us. Without him, who knows how any of us would have gotten along. When Kris did leave, it broke all of our hearts to see the happy virus come down with the virus of depression; however, eventually, he persevered and helped us realize that, with our own strength, we could survive anything and that, no matter where Kris' path led him, his ultimate destination was in our hearts, where he would stay. I'll just miss everything about Chanyeol, as with everyone else. Speaking of, I already discussed Kris' strong aura although he is merely a teddy bear on the inside and Suho's strength. There's still so many more members to introduce to you truly, not just recite the stuff you see on member profiles, but all of that will be discussed in due time. You wanted to hear my story and this is the way I shall tell it, with all the detail and all the style that I wish. Bear with me.

Besides tirelessly overworking our bodies, there is not much else to be told about that night at the practice room, but what came after cemented my feelings and my hope for this family.

“Ah, thank you again so much, Luhan,” Suho thanked me again as we walked into the dorms at around 1 in the morning. I merely raised my hand and bid him and the others a good night. As they one by one trudged to their shared rooms, I scampered into the kitchen, craving something sweet to take my mind off of the long hours I had put in at the practice room. To my surprise, the light was on. I crept slowly, trying not to startle whomever was rummaging through the refrigerator. To my pleasant surprise, mouth stuffed with cake and icing glistening on his soft pink lips, it was Xiumin.

“Hello, hyung,” I whispered, soft smile on my face as I approached him. Instead of a bright smile greeting me back, he shoved the cake back into the open fridge and turned away from me, ashamed.

“Hyung, what's wrong?” I asked concerned as I heard his soft whimpering, reaching out to grip his shoulder.

“Just go to sleep,” he whispered hoarsely. “Y-You didn't see anything,” he insisted, still not turning to face me. To this day, I have no idea why this hurt me so much. Of course, I love him in more ways than one, but his refusal to look at me hurt me in ways that I can not easily describe. It was something so trivial, something I hope he doesn't suffer with again once I am gone. I hope our love has flourished enough to keep him from ever adopting the same fear he had that night again.

“I won't until you look at me. Tell me what's wrong,” I ordered, shocked at my own insolence towards an elder. With my grip tightening slightly, he wiped away the icing and slowly turned to look at me, his eyes no longer twinkling, but full of sadness and worry, a heart wrenching look I pray I never have to see again. For this same reason, I refuse to be here in the morning when he wakes up and sees my note. I would not be able to handle the pain. His eyes always had a certain effect on me as they had that night. “Xiumin, what. Is. Wrong?” I asked again, punctuating each word to show my seriousness. “Why are you eating so late?”

“That's the thing! I can't stop!With the pressure of debut coming up, I get so stressed and I need food, sweets mainly. There's a reason desserts is stressed spelled backwards in English. B-But I know I need to diet and- and that's just so hard for me. Luhan, help me,” he whimpered, pushing my arm away only to hug me tightly, burying his head in my chest. “Why am I so fat, Luhan? Why can't I be like you or Jongin or Kris? Why am I so ugly? I-I can't possibly debut- not like this,” he whispered into my chest.

“Xiumin,” I began. He looked up at me. “Get off of me,” I ordered, trying to push him away from me. Heartbroken and probably feeling rejected, he stepped away slowly, head hung down in shame.

“I trusted you,” he whispered, glancing at me before beginning to walk out the kitchen.

“You didn't wait long enough. Come back, hyung,” I stated, reaching back into the fridge for the same cake he had shoved in minutes before. “I'm going to feed one of the most handsome members of this group,” I smiled, holding up the fork and twirling it in my fingers. He turned to look back at me, confused, but his legs still led him back to me though his mind was blank. “Open wide,” I cooed, scooping a chunk of cake and moving it towards his lips. Surprisingly, he did as he was told and he wrapped his plump lips around the fork ever so smoothly as he stared at me, wide-eyed, making my body temperature rise ever so slightly though I couldn't understand why.

“Why are you doing this?” he asked in between bites. “I'm fat and unattractive and this isn't helping,” he continued, though he didn't stop eating as I fed him.

“Whoever told you that is a liar and if you told yourself that, you're dead wrong. Xiumin, you remember when you told me that I was a special person earlier?” He nodded in between bites. “Well, we're all special and we're all part of a special family. Each of us have something great about us, including yourself. Never forget that. If I have to prove that to you and everyone else everyday while we are together, believe that I will. I want you all to realize how special you are, especially you. We're a family now and you've found someone to lean on at all times, now,” I assured him. “You know what, why start tomorrow? I've already found something striking about you. You're like a perfect baozi. Don't take it the wrong way, hyung, but you really are. Baozis are good. I love them just like I love you, hyung. Can I call you baozi, just to remind you of how special you are to me?” A light pink rushed to his face as he took the last bite of the cake, but he nodded nonetheless. Placing the plate in the sink and finally closing the refrigerator, I wrapped my arms around him, enjoying his warmth and his steady breathing. I realize now that he was like a baby in my arms that night, but I would love him in such a different way than the way I had initially intended. I still have no regrets about loving him. The only thing I will rue is my leaving him, but I hope, like with the others, we can all meet again another day. I know we will. That day just has to come and I will be waiting ever so patiently because it will be worth it.

“Luhan,” he whispered, his voice low with fatigue.

“Mmm?” I hummed.

“Why'd you come in? Why didn't you go to sleep like the others?”

“Well, I had come in for something sweet to get my mind off of things, but I found you instead.”

“I'm sorry. I ate all the cake. See, I'm useless,” he began to whine again.

“No, I came in to find something to relax and forget with. You worked even better than sweets. Thank you. And baozi, you're not useless. Even if this is all you have left to remember, remember that you are special to each and every one of us and you will be my special friend through all of this no matter what. Remember that,” I affirmed, gently rubbing his back to calm him down. He felt so good in my arms, as if he belonged there. I know now, that place was only for him, my arms wrapping so smoothly around him, even up until now, even with his muscles. “Can you do that for me?” He nodded. “Good, now, it's late. We should get some sleep. C'mon,” I said, leading him out of the kitchen and turning off the light. With the moonlight streaming in through the blinds, we were able to walk to the middle of the living room without hitting anything. “Good night, hyung. Sweet dreams,” I smirked in the darkness, about to head to my own room.

“Thank you, Luhan. Good night. I will remember even in my dreams,” he smiled before heading to his own room.

That night, I learned so much about every one of us and I knew were a family. Families have their issues, but I knew we would stay together forever. Even now, as another member leaves, we are still a family, not connected by blood or water, but with our souls, with our love, with our everything. That was only the beginning. There's still so much you have to learn about me.

Do you understand me yet?

A/N: If you haven't noticed, I changed some facts around to make it fit the story (I know ALL the members didn't dorm together at first, etc.) but this is a fic after all. All of this is fictional and if if any of this did happen, then heck yeah, I must be psychic, but that's beside the point. Either way, I know the topic is heavy, but I still hope you all enjoyed reading. Thank you!