A Regret to Belong

Author: yifannie

Story Link:  A Regret to Belong

Genre: Angst, Tragedy

Oneshot/chaptered: Chaptered (Ongoing)

Brief Summary: Maybe everyone had a part of themselves they wanted to hide, even from the people they loved. And Jongin happened to be one of them. He concealed everything from Kyungsoo, almost everything. There were so many things that need to be revealed and told to Kyungsoo, but Jongin knew the limits to it. He was in no position to do that by himself, because he knew he was never meant to be with Kyungsoo, and Kyungsoo was never meant to be with him. It took Kyungsoo forever to find out the reasons behind Jongin's laughter and tears. And when Kyungsoo found those reasons, he was already too late to fix everything.

Good points:

► Your title was beautiful and suits the genre of your story. It makes a person curious of what the story is about.

► Your description gave the person an interesting sneak preview of what's to come. Well done.

► The characters were all quite unique. They each had distinctive qualities, which made a big contribution to making the writing more colorful. 

► The flow was well enough. I was able to follow through the events of the story.

► Your writing style was good; using a variety of words to convey an image/scene nicely.

Weak points:

► Most of your weak points have to do with grammatical errors.

Here are some examples:

I. Run-on sentences& Punctuation (lack of/wrong punctuations) 

Incorrect: Chanyeol was Kyungsoo’s senior in college; they first met when Kyungsoo was handling a shop in one of the college’s carnival, which Chanyeol gladly helped Kyungsoo out by sending out brochures to people since Kyungsoo was working alone.(Run-on)

Correct: Chanyeol was Kyungsoo’s senior in college; they first met when Kyungsoo was handling a shop in one of the college’s carnivals.Chanyeol gladly helped Kyungsoo out by handing brochures to people, since Kyungsoo was working alone.

Incorrect: And that was when Kyungsoo put his feet away from the place he was standing and went downstairs just to see the boy, whom was calmly smiling at him and the smell of coffee greeted him once again. (Run-on)

Correct: And that was when Kyungsoo moved away from where he stood;heading downstairs just to see the boy whom was calmly smiling at him. The smell of coffee greeted him once again.

Incorrect: Kyungsoo swore that the smile Jongin had just freaked him out that he started to think that Jongin’s mind might have slightly damaged which resulted in him to smile almost every freaking second.(Run-on)

Correct: Kyungsoo swore that the smile Jongin had just freaked him out. So much so, that he started to think Jongin’s mind might have been slightly damaged, which resulted in him smiling almost every freaking second.

Incorrect: Almost half an hour later, they both ended up in Jongin’s house, albeit the house was almost extremely messy, in a way as if no one really stayed in the house.(Run-on)

Correct: Almost half an hour later, they both ended up in Jongin’s house. The place was almost extremely messy, in a way as if no one really stayed in the house.

Incorrect: A Styrofoam cup of hot coffee was held in his hand,Kyungsoo believed the smell of the coffee was too strong for him.(punctuation)

 Correct: A Styrofoam cup of hot coffee was held in his hand;Kyungsoo believed the smell of the coffee was too strong for him.

Incorrect:And his pensive eyes shifted upwards, the sky was so empty, as empty as his heart. (punctuation)

Correct: And his pensive eyes shifted upwards; the sky was so empty. As empty as his heart.

Incorrect: “Who do you think you are telling me to do this and that?” (punctuation)

Correct: “Who do you think you are? Telling me to do this and that?” 

Incorrect: “I’d love to talk to you, I just hate being in silence.”(punctuation)

Correct: “I’d love to talk to you; I just hate being in silence.”

II. Wording (wrong wording/could be better worded/unneeded words/missing article)

Incorrect: …which made Kyungsoo turned his head around at the boy once more.

Correct: …which made Kyungsoo turn to face the boy once more.

Incorrect: It was from the cold feeling he had been buried deep inside his heart

Correct: It was from the cold feeling he had buried deep inside his heart

Incorrect: …he smiled for the millionth times.

Correct: …he smiled for the millionth time.

Incorrect: “You don’t seem to be that kind of person who would waste any of my times though,”

Correct: “You don’t seem to be the kind of person who would waste any of my time though,”

Incorrect: But Jongin’s deep stares almost caught Kyungsoo off-guard and that made him couldn’t find his voice.

Correct: But Jongin’s deep stares almost caught Kyungsoo off-guard and that made him unable to find his voice.

Incorrect: It was shrouded in dust sheet.

Correct: It was shrouded in a sheet of dust.

Incorrect: “It was my decision anyway not to kill myself

Correct: “It was my decision not to kill myself anyway

Incorrect:  …near the main entrance for minutes without Kyungsoo’s acknowledge.

Correct: …near the main entrance for minutes without Kyungsoo’s knowledge.

Incorrect:  His feet looked like as if they were glued onto the floor, stopping him from doing such crazy thing.

Correct: His feet looked as if they were glued to the floor, stopping him from doing such a crazy thing.

Incorrect: …making him to mentally hit himself for being a plain idiot.

Correct: …making him mentally hit himself for being a plain idiot.

Incorrect: However Jongin seemed not to notice with the silly mistake Kyungsoo had done since he answered the question simply with a nod.

Correct: However,Jongin seemed not to notice the silly mistake Kyungsoo had done since he answered the question simply with a nod.

Incorrect: and dreams of having bright future together; through marriage

Correct: and dreams of having a bright future together; through marriage

III. Redundancy

Incorrect:…except from the one they just had just now.
Correct: …except from the one they had just now.

Tips for improvement::

► I’ve read your author notes, and yes; you would do well to get a beta-reader.

► By experience, I learned it’s always good to reread your work before publishing it. You’ll see mistakes you didn’t notice when you were writing.

► Punctuation is important. Remember the proper times when to put a period, a comma or semi-colon.

Enjoyment:

Perhaps Fifty-fifty?

What I enjoyed (^_^)

► I loved your characterization. It’s my favorite part of your story. The way Chanyeol’s showing some kind of possessive personality, Kyungsoo being weak, and Jongin being the guy who always seems to forget what he and Kyungsoo do together; this was all a great thought for the story.

► I loved your writing style. My other fav part of your fic.I was really impressed by the way you wrote things; the words were poetic in a certain way or is that just me thinking that? (>_<) It seemed to be professionally written by the way you used your vocabulary.Thumbs up!

Hindered my full enjoyment (;_;)

► One of the reasons why I couldn’t enjoy fully was there were some parts that confused me. I didn’t put this as a weak point, thinking that you may be planning to reveal everything as the story goes on (^_^). I have quite a few questions: what was Kyungsoo’s sickness? What kind of voices did he hear? Why did he accuse Chanyeol of playing around with girls? Why did Chanyeol beat Kyungsoo up?

Parts of the story involved with my questions lessened my enjoyment because I kept wondering about these things. Not in curiosity, but more of annoyance because I couldn’t understand what was going on. (>_<) But again, perhaps you were saving all the answers for the later chapters.

► Your errors! (>_<) You had such a beautiful writing style, but it was plagued with run-on sentences, punctuation mistakes and wrong wording. I really loved the way you wrote, but your mistakes were such a contrast to the beauty that it lessened the appeal. It made me wonder how someone who could write so well, made such mistakes (>_<).

► I wasn’t affected by the angst so much. I mean, of course I could tell that Kyungsoo and Chanyeol were struggling with their relationship. But because, as I’ve mentioned before, that I was confused with what was going on, I couldn’t feel the intensity of that one angsty moment in Chapter three.

Extra Notes:

► Because you have only done until chapter three of the story, I could not evaluate the story completely with relation to its plot, nor give you more tips for improvement. When I read the brief summary, it immediately caught my interest. But unfortunately, not much has been revealed as of yet, hindering furhter review.

► If I were to review the story based solely on the three chapters, I’d say that there isn’t much of an appeal.

Most fics have this kind of scenario, after all; where there’s a broken relationship and the main character’s probably going to fall in love with the mysterious stranger who suddenly appeared in his life. It’s kind of predictable, which removes a bit of the excitement.

► The predictability of the story is one thing, (since I did say that this wasn’t such an out-of-the-ordinary fic), but mixing your own flavor is another. Even though there’s a bit of predictability in your story, I know you’ll have twists lining up to keep things interesting. Judging by your characters, I think you can make the story better as it goes by. Sadly, it could not be reviewed as it is yet to be created (^_^)

For this type of story, I suppose you were trying to make it as realistic as possible and that’s good. Just don’t forget to add a little spice into it.

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Overall:

Overall, it’s worth a read but you mustn’t forget to take it to the next level! I’m sure there will be those who appreciate it, but it’s hard for the readers who look for good grammar in a story. Also, please focus on trying to convey as much of the angst in your fic as possible. You’ve gone for a realistic kind of plot-line so just make sure you can bring out the emotions as much as you can, to compensate for it not being too unique.

If you fix your little mistakes, your writing would be praise-authornim worthy. Your fic is still just starting out, so of course there will be more to expect. I hope to see more of the characters reveal themselves, and some tear-jerking angst!(^_^)

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