The Hidden Truth

Author: travellingIdeas

Story Link:  The Hidden Truth

Genre: Super natural, Romcom, Angst, Friendship

Oneshot/chaptered: Chaptered (Ongoing)

Brief Summary: sulli is a ghost while taemin is her only friend. When she starts to follow a human, she didn't expect things to go too complicated

Good points:

► Your story is unique. The whole idea of spirits not being able to rest until their purpose has been fulfilled—it’s a good plot (it reminds me of superstition), and not commonly used (I think).

► The title and description were both good; it may intrigue your readers if they are interested with your genre.

► The flow was well enough. I was able to follow through the events of the story.

► The characters all had distinctive qualities, which was good.

► You ended chapter seven in an interesting way, making the reader curious about the next chapter. This was a good cliff hanger.

► I did not expect at all that Mina was dead. That was a good twist.

Weak points:

► Most of your weak points have to do with grammatical errors.

Here are some examples (Only from Chapters 1 and 2, because if I included all, it would be too long):

I. Wording (wrong word usage, missing words, plural forms)

Incorrect: I stopped for a while to thought about it.

Correct: I stopped for a while to think about it.

Incorrect: He submerged my face to his chest;

Correct: He buried my face in his chest;

Incorrect: I walked over the stove, opened it, there was some wood inside.

Correct: I walked over to the stove, opened it, and found some wood inside.

Incorrect: I sat on the bed only to froze when…

Correct: I sat on the bed only to freeze when…

Incorrect: He groaned as he repaired his shoelaces

Correct: He groaned as he tied his shoelaces

Incorrect: I sighted a photo

Correct: I saw a photo

Incorrect: I lifted my shoulder then let it down.

Correct: I shrugged.

Incorrect: …and other stuff that didn’t interest me, unless these two info I found…

Correct: …and other stuff that didn’t interest me, except for the two I found…

Incorrect: The other area will be remained dark.

Correct: The other area remained dark.

Incorrect: I furrowed my forehead deep

Correct: My brows furrowed deeply

(*People do not furrow their foreheads, silly~ >_< They furrow their brows, and in the process, their foreheads get affected ^_^)

Incorrect: I turned away to flew away.

Correct: I turned to fly away.

Incorrect: All of sudden I found myself was standing at the edge of the cliff.

Correct: All of sudden I found myself standing at the edge of the cliff.

Incorrect: I obviously cannot go to that another cliff because

Correct: I obviously cannot go to that other cliff because

Incorrect: If so, what were my parent look like?

Correct: If so, what did my parent look like?

Incorrect: and his lips slowly curved a smile.

Correct: and his lips slowly curved into a smile.

Incorrect: …looking at my carved writing with dilated pupil…

Correct: …looking at my carved writing with dilated pupils…

Incorrect: What would human think if they read these?

Correct: What would humans think if they read these?

Incorrect: one of the teacher

Correct: one of the teachers

II. Punctuation (correct punctuation, unnecessary punctuation, and some wording)

Incorrect: "Oh of course, this is the deepest section of the forest, they will find it easily,"

Correct: "Oh of course! This is the deepest section of the forest; they will find it easily,"

Incorrect: I raised my head up to see the sky, it was not dark yet

correct: I raised my head up to see the sky; it was not dark yet

Incorrect:  I noticed the man approached the picture, he held it, and looked at it for a while.   

Correct:  I noticed the man approached the picture. He held it and looked at it for a while.     

Incorrect: I pouted then I looked around, oh, a stone, great.

Correct: I pouted then I looked around. Oh, a stone. Great.

Incorrect: His steps stopped into a halt at the certain spot, in an old, high tree, he went on his knees.

Correct: His steps stopped into a halt at the certain spot in an old, high tree. He went on his knees.

Incorrect: I have seen her, when, Taemin took me to his house.

Correct: I saw her when Taemin took me to his house.

Incorrect: Taem told me, that his father assumed she was stupid because of it,

Correct: Taem told me that his father assumed she was stupid because of it,

Incorrect: It was a dream, Jinri, but I felt somehow, uncomfortable, I can’t stop thinking about it.

Correct: It was a dream Jinri, but I felt uncomfortable somehow. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

III. Rambling

Examples:

1. It will be our source of light in the dark, it was quite in the ideal position too, not too close to the window, so that when human passed by they will not be like "Wait, there were light coming out from an abandoned hut? What the hell?" and then they will investigate our hut --well that's what Taemin has said.

2. Until I noticed the tree, I face palmed myself, oh gosh, they have already known about this stuff, haven’t they? There’s no need to worry.

3. He was older, if I thought back, he was just trying to protect me after all, if it weren’t for him, I would be- I can't even think about it.

4. “you know, I thought about it last night, I guess you were right, you got your lessons,  so you mustn’t be that clumsy, I will try to stop to worrying about you”

*Rambling is informal, unless placed in a scene during a conversation.

I think this is something people wouldn’t mind in blogs, but not for published works; you must appropriately put periods to prevent long sentences from getting out of hand.

IV. Redundancy

Incorrect: The window provided some light from the moonlight, so the lightning on our refuge was good.

Correct: The window provided some moonlight, so the illumination on our refuge was good.

► For this one:

“… after a few second of gulping down my saliva down to my throat… ”

“I gulped my saliva down”

You don’t need to say saliva; I think the readers understand.

 ► You tend to jump from using verbs in past tense, to using verbs in present tense.

Examples:

1. So I sit on the table as I closed my eyes
2. I like it, I did…
3. I simply didn’t hate it. I take a look at the sky

(Please make sure to decide which verb tense you are using so you won’t confuse the reader.)

► Even though your flow was alright, there were some parts that still got me confused. Perhaps if they were worded in a different way, I would have understood better.

► Your genres included romcom and angst. I did not see any romcom, and I wasn’t so affected by the angst either.

Tips for improvement::

►  May I suggest having a beta-reader? Beta-readers are people who offer the service of proofreading your work, and fixing all the little grammatical errors. Their services would be very useful to you.

► By experience, I learned it’s always good to reread your work before publishing it. You’ll see mistakes you didn’t notice when you were writing.

► Punctuation is important. Remember the proper times when to put a period, a comma or semi-colon.

Enjoyment:

Not so much (;_;)

► Perhaps this just wasn’t my type of read (^_^). Although the idea was unique and good, I didn’t quite like how it was presented in the story. It was okay, but not something I would finish reading. In fact because of the grammatical errors, I felt that the writing was rather messy; so it lessened my enjoyment. (sorry ;_;) But I’m sure that others have found your work interesting. I’ve read the comments and your readers love your story (^o^)! Great job on that and keep up with what they find enjoyable ^_^

Extra Notes:

► Assigning music was creative, but take note that it depends on the reader whether they’ll enjoy music while reading, or find it distracting.

► Requesting for a trailer was also a creative idea.

► Right from when you mentioned about the girl in Minho’s photo, I already knew that it was probably Sulli. So in a way, your story was kind of predictable. Perhaps if more twists or characters were added, then it may have served better in “hiding the truth. But again, this is just me (^_^)

Your readers seem to be having fun with all the mystery!  Good job on that!

► I am so sorry! (;_;) As I posted this review, only then did I realize that you had already added a chapter eight. I’m sorry that this review only covered until chapter seven (>_<) Please forgive me! (^.^;)V

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Overall:

Overall, it had a unique plot, but maybe it wasn’t presented in the best possible way (^_^). If you played with your words some more, stockpiled on some nice vocabulary, and tweaked your grammar, then the story could become even better!

Your readers already love your story, so aside from adding improvements, don’t forget to include once again the kind of stuff they enjoyed from you!

(This is just my opinion so please don’t take it to heart ^_^ I only want to help by honestly sharing my thoughts on your story. Some people may think differently, so don’t be glum, chum!).  ^_^

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