In Love with a Cyborg

Author: MoroccanBlackDragon 

Story Link:  In love with a Cyborg

Genre: Sci-fi, romance

Oneshot/chaptered: Chaptered (ongoing)

Brief Summary: As Jin Ki wished to have love, he fell for the unexpected.

Good points:

► The title was interesting

► The foreword was short and thought-provoking.

► The idea was unique and interesting.

► Your characters each had distinct personalities that added to the goodness of your writing.

► I found it cute that Hye Jin liked Onew (probably because Onew’s my bias in SHINee >_< hahaha)

► I was shocked that Onew liked an older woman; that was a good twist. I didn’t see it coming.

► “Apple pie”—that was a really cute nickname for Taemin, hahaha.

Weak points:

► Grammatical errors:

(There are more examples of these, but if I were to list them all, it would be too long.)

I. Punctuation

1. Unnecessary punctuation (this can be avoided by wording the sentence properly)

Incorrect: Choi Siwon was drinking in his veranda, in his huge mansion, near Incheon.

Correct: Choi Siwon was drinking in the veranda of his huge mansion near Incheon.

Incorrect: Suddenly a hand landed on his shoulder and, jumping slightly, he looked at Sung Rin, his wife who had a small smile.

Correct: Suddenly a hand landed on his shoulder. Jumping slightly, he looked at his wife Sung Rin, who had a small smile.

2. Improper punctuation

Incorrect: He smiled to her, enjoying the silence when suddenly they heard a strident sound which made them look up, they noticed that a burning meteorite…

Correct: It should be a period.

Incorrect: She looked at Taemin and somehow she felt bad to let him hear her lies, he seemed so innocent.

Correct: It should be a semi-colon.

Incorrect: “Yes, for some reason, I had to study at home but I made the middle school exam twice, one in my house and the second in the Dwang Jo Middle School…

Correct: The first comma wasn’t necessary. The second should have been a colon.

Incorrect: “This is a very advanced kind of bag, if someone who doesn’t have my DNA touch it; he can…

Correct: The first should be a period. The second should be a comma.

3. Missing punctuation

Incorrect: She said smiling getting all embarrassed by being caught staring.

Correct: She said, smiling; getting all embarrassed by being caught staring.

 Incorrect: “I hoped now healed from my sickness that I will be able to fit in this school.”

Correct: “I hoped, now healed from my sickness, that I will be able to fit in this school.”

Incorrect: …kindly showing me the principal room.”

Correct: …kindly showing me the principal’s room.”

Incorrect: one of them said grabbing her bag

Correct: one of them said, grabbing her bag

II. RAMBLING

1. They ran to it when suddenly, a huge robot appeared in their sight, in the middle of the huge hole the fall made in the ground and, as they stepped closer to check to the robot, it was holding a baby robot, which surprised them extremely.

2. Hye Jin, the name they gave to their baby robot, grew up and became an adult when her dad and her mom told her the truth about her, showing her the gadgets and the truth behind the bed that she never changed and that coffin her not to protect her from a sickness like she used to think but to recharge her batteries,as well as it was connected to a board which make them sure of her health's stat and fonctions.

3. She sighed in relief thinking that she may make it invisible for the day until they got in and THEY mean five enough good looking guys but with a very royal attitude.

4. Moreover, she was older than to be in junior, but she wished to experience the high school life from the start to the graduation, but it could bring the students teasing and her mother made her promise to ignore it.

5. A deep and calm voice said and she looked to the one who, as his friends moved, was playing with a tennis ball in his hand, his hair was half tied in tough tresses to his head and half free, which made her unsure of its lengths.

6. Hye Jin was analyzing everybody around her like a scanner, and learned to do things by her own, like how being a lady from The Grand Mother Choi, how to raise a baby when some relatives had to leave their baby with them and Hye Jin took care of him because everybody else was busy, she even learned how to communicate with babies and understand their body language which surprised Sung Rin back then.

*Rambling is informal, unless placed in a scene during a conversation.

This is something people wouldn’t mind in blogs, but not for published works; you must appropriately put periods to prevent long sentences from getting out of hand.

III. REDUNDANCY

Ex: the usage of “when suddenly”—you used it on the first sentence, and you used it again on the next sentence. (Chp 1)

IV. WORDING

1. Wrong wording

Incorrect: Everybody start shooting King Ka…

Correct: Shouting

Incorrect: “They are just bench of jerks.”

Correct: a bunch

Incorrect: “You seems pretty cool than the rest.”

Correct: seem

Incorrect: “Can you show me where is the principle's office, please?”

Correct: where the principal’s office is

Incorrect: That all what she could come up with.

Correct: That was all she could come up with.

Incorrect: she stood and glared on the boy.

Correct: she stood and glared at the boy.

Incorrect: What does mean ""

Correct: What does “” mean?

Incorrect: drank their jus from the wrong way

Correct: drank their juice the wrong way

2. Unclear statements:

1. Siwon touched the robot’s hand, as it was just a half - it maybe lost the legs mid way to earth…

• One proper way of saying it would be: Siwon touched the robot’s hand, noticing how there was only a half of its body present…

2. (Statics and projection lakes) danger… (Again) save… (Again) your soul.

• I’m afraid I don’t understand what (Statics and projection lakes) …(Again) …(Again)  means. You can either clear this out in the narration or in an Author’s note at the end of the chapter.

3. “I didn’t know that school became a chest field.  

• Clear this out in the narration or in an Author’s note at the end of the chapter. Did “chest” mean “chess” (the board game)? If so, please correct the spelling.

4. She’s like our daughter, a victim of fate.

• I was very confused with this statement since it was placed in the 1^st chapter, then Siwon and Sungrin’s biological daughter “Dambi” was only introduced in the 3^rd chapter. I wondered, “So did that mean that Sungrin used to be barren?” This question was answered only at chapter 4. So that readers won’t be confused like me, you should have stated that from the very first chapter already :)

5. The feline boy shook his head and pointed to the boy who spoke then to the boy who was surrounding his shoulder all naturally.

• Problems with this sentence:

1. Redundant (you used “boy” 3 times in the same sentence)
2. Unclear: … then to the boy who was surrounding his shoulder all naturally.

*This can also be better worded, but since I don’t understand the sentence fully, I can’t give you the correction :)

► I got confused at some parts of the story.

► I still don’t know why Onew disliked Hye Jin from the start

► The flow of the story was a problem—there were many times that the development happened too fast.

EX:

1. Just because Hye Jin saved Hannah, the Kinkas were suddenly nice to her. Kris even wanted to invite her to his party. I just think the development happened too fast. There should’ve at least been a paragraph or two for transition.

2. I found it strange that when Onew and the others visited Hye Jin, Sung Rin told them Hye Jin had a secret! Why did she do that? If it was really a secret, she should have just pretended that Hye Jin was very sick. But instead she mentioned the “secret”; although she didn’t say what the secret was, she still gave them a hint that there was a one. There was nothing secretive about that, dear (>_<)

As I continued to read, it seemed that Sung Rin really planned to let Taemin and the others know that Hye Jin was a robot. But there was no talk prior involving that—no one was supposed to know, but all of a sudden Sung Rin was willing to divulge the secret to Hye Jin’s friends. Although friends are trustworthy people, there was still little discussion about it—there was again, no paragraph for a smooth transition to the desired development. It all happened too fast.  

3. Key being able to piece together everything, and just suddenly guess that Hye Jin wasn’t human was another flow problem. Although it’s possible for him to have thought of that, there still should have been some doubt; he believed too quickly. The development was too fast and didn’t seem realistic.

► There should have been more background as to Hye Jin’s origin: why was she created? Why was she found in a meteorite, when a fellow human made her?

Tips for improvement::

►  May I suggest getting a beta-reader? Their services would be very useful to you.

► Punctuation is important. Remember the proper times when to put a period, a comma or semi-colon.

► Flow is also important. Do not rush the development of the story. Remember to put transitions for smooth development.

► Provide character background as necessary.

► Fix rambling.

► There were times I got bored, and but times my attention was grabbed. You should find a way to make your writing enticing enough so that my attention will be constant.

►  Don’t forget to reread your work before publishing it. You’ll see mistakes you didn’t notice when you were writing.

Enjoyment:

It was okay :D

► The first two chapters bored me at some point, but chapters 3 and 4 were okay. Admittedly, grammatical errors can get in the way of full enjoyment, but that’s alright. You can work on that, I’m sure. I also don’t read a lot from the sci-fi genre, but this was interesting enough.

► I liked the kind of person you made Hye Jin to be. She had no prejudices, was one for justice, and was trying to experience love innocently. I loved her character for that. The gadgets were cool too, like her backpack and her watch.

Extra Notes:

► This is based on a four-chapter review :) I’m sorry that I didn’t have to time to read it all!

► It’s actually a good story, it’s just not presented in the best way. I think that if your grammar got fixed, and if you tried to be witty with how to present your story, it would be great. (^_^).

► Since this story is still only in its 7th chapter, I hope this review helped for your future chapters. I know you'll do well (^_^)

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Overall:

Overall, it was interesting, but the grammatical errors may be a hindrance. Also, the plot and flow are in need of some work to fully be able to present the story in its best. Try to thoroughly go over the story, making sure the development is just right and that there are no confusing parts. You did well for the characterization, and the ideas used were unique. All you need now is a clever way to piece all these together in the right form. (^_^)

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