Good Girl, Bad

Author: Miro-chan

Story Link:  Good Girl Bad

Genre: Revenge, Angst, Drama, Romance

Oneshot/chaptered: Chaptered (Ongoing)

Brief Summary: A girl is back for a mission which gets passed onto her co-worker because she is late to meet her boss. But she bumps into the person that was mentioned in the mission card and decides to do the mission even without the company's permission. The guy is... her ex.

 

Good points:

► Your story is unique and fits the your genre.

► Your description was alright; it may intrigue your readers if they are interested with your genre.

► The flow was well enough. I was able to follow through the events of the story.

Weak points:

► Your grammar was your weak point.

Here are some examples:

I. Wording

Incorrect: I stopped reminiscing and decided before I done anything, I would …

Correct: I stopped reminiscing and decided before I do anything, I would …

Incorrect: It's so annoying though, though I do want a bit of fun around here.

Correct: It's so annoying, though I do want a bit of fun around here.

Incorrect: …it was nice chatting to you…

Correct: …it was nice chatting with you…

II. Punctuation (and some wording)

Incorrect: I looked around for any change but there was nothing except from the swings and seesaw rusting from age, other than that, there was nothing.

Correct: I looked around for any change but there was nothing except from the swings and seesaw rusting from age; other than that, there was nothing.

Incorrect: The green scenery remained, some sunlight managed to seep through the paths of leaves on the millions of trees living here. 

correct: The green scenery remained; some sunlight managed to seep through the paths of leaves on the millions of trees living here. 

Incorrect:  I was never early or exactly on time but I was never this bad, so I hurried and collected my stuff and jogged out to the pathway onto the busy street.  

Correct:  I was never early or exactly on time, but I was never this bad. So I hurried and collected my stuff, and jogged out to the pathway onto the busy street.  

Incorrect: I walked to the elevator and luckily it opened right when I turned to face it, I entered and pushed a button that would lead me to the floor that my hotel room was in.

Correct: I walked to the elevator and luckily it opened right when I turned to face it. I entered and pushed the button that would lead me to the floor where my room was.

Incorrect: In front of me was a sign telling where to go if your room was a particular number, I turned left because my room number was 220 and proceeded to walk through the hallway of rooms that were leading to room 220.

Correct: In front of me was a sign that illustrated where to go if your room was a particular number. I turned left because my room number was 220, and proceeded to walk through the hallway of rooms that lead to mine.

III. Rambling

Examples:

1. Everything was still peaceful and calming though nobody ever went here, it was my special place so I would embrace and sleep here all I wanted and never be woken up, or so I wished but the world wasn't that peaceful.

2. I moved back and forth little by little, I had a small fear of swinging high no matter how stupid that seemed, so I kept it low and my thoughts drifted off enough for me to be an hour late to the meeting.

3. I use to love busy streets, everything would seem so perfect and the loudness would hide all the sorrows but I found out the truth about the world and that was when I realized, nothing's perfect just like your relationship.

4. There was a short line but it took forever and nothing was budging so I pushed through and said calmly but clearly annoyed that my mother is currently pregnant and that I have to look after her because she's already like 8 months pregnant.

5. They only realized there was only one name in the hotel room which was me and the two staff at the counter gave each other a panicked look, not because they found out I wasn't meant to be in that room because I was, but because it was only me in that room and they were scared of losing their job if the people in the line found out.

*Rambling is informal, unless placed in a scene during a conversation.

I think this is something people wouldn’t mind in blogs, but not for published works; you must appropriately put periods to prevent long sentences from getting out of hand.

Tips for improvement::

►  May I suggest having a beta-reader? Beta-readers are people who offer the service of proofreading your work, and fixing all the little grammatical errors. So I’m told, because I have yet to try getting one myself. If so, then their services would be very useful to you.

► By experience, I learned it’s always good to reread your work before publishing it. You’ll see mistakes you didn’t notice when you were writing.

► Punctuation is important. Remember the proper times when to put a period, a comma or semi-colon.

► Since this is only the first chapter, I’d say it wasn’t that bad, but there also wasn’t a pulling factor. To me, at least. But perhaps to others, this was already something that got them curious.

Enjoyment:

Not so much (;_;)

► For a first chapter, it didn’t really pull me in. It should have though, because the first chapter is one of the things that will pique a reader’s interest. I’m sorry; I thought it was quite dull. The first chapter was like a more detailed version of your description, so in other words, it was already predictable. ( sorry (;_;))

► The grammatical errors didn’t help either. Although your wording was mostly okay, you rambled a lot and your punctuations were off. (sorry again ;_;)

Extra Notes:

► There’s not much to review since this is only the first chapter. (^_^) So I trust that you will improve as you go along, and make the story more interesting.

► The title didn’t seem to fit the story. But honestly I can’t assess that because this is only the first chapter. I hope that as story progresses, you’ll be able to incorporate the title; why is it called Good Girl, Bad ? (^_^)

'

Overall:

Overall, for a first chapter, I found it somewhat lacking. It needs to have a pulling factor; some kind of scene that will make the reader want to read further. Also, the grammatical errors have to be corrected for the same reason (some people might not enjoy a story with grammatical errors)

(This is just my opinion so please don’t take it to heart ^_^ I only want to help by honestly sharing my thoughts on your story. Some people may think differently, so don’t be glum, chum!).  ^_^

 Thanks for requesting! Hopefully this review helped!

Don’t forget to comment once you’ve picked up, and to link this shop in your foreword.

Feedback is much appreciated.

For any concern, just PM B2utyful-Elf

Have a nice day!