Chapter IV

Different.

Was that the right word?

Perhaps it was, because things have changed in a way that brought Emptiness to reside in Jongin’s heart once again; like it did in his childhood. It seemed emptiness brought some friends over as well. Loneliness and Grief decided to come over and stay for a while. How strange. They seemed to have visited before. But even though such emotions were familiar, there was still something different.

Jongin was sitting down in a coffee shop, drinking black coffee as he studied a bit of Biology for some test. He was sipping from the coffee cup peacefully, when he felt his heart squeeze; causing him to cough the coffee out as he groaned in pain.

It wasn’t the first time; not even the tenth. Chest pains had been a regular occurrence in his life. He couldn’t remember when it started; didn’t want to remember. He noticed that the pain had been more intense nowadays. Jongin always kept track of that; went to the doctor regularly to check up on that. But the man in the white coat always said the same thing:

“There’s nothing wrong with your body, but you seem to be tittering towards depression. Is something the matter?”

Was there? Jongin never said. More like, Jongin never admitted. He would just shake his head, say his thanks, bow politely and leave the room. And when he reached home, he would run to his bed and sob into his pillow; something he never grew out of. Eventually, Jongin would fall asleep; tired from crying, tired from the world; sick of it all.

Jongin snapped out of his reverie when a waiter asked him if he was okay; handed him some tissues, and offered to wipe the coffee on his table. Jongin just nodded politely, took the tissues, wiped himself clean, and left the café. He didn’t tip the waiter, because that guy was only reciting mandatory protocol; only did what he was supposed to do.

Jongin knew that in life, you were on your own.

To ever think someone actually cared was foolishness.

It had been over a year since Jongin last saw Kyungsoo. Scratch that; last thought of Kyungsoo. How could he have seen something that didn’t exist, after all? It took him this long; took an entire year to tuck imagination away into a box, at the corner of his mind. It’s probably all dusty now. Then, was Kyungsoo dusty too? Maybe. Either way, Jongin didn’t need to know. Didn’t want to know.

Ever since that day when Jongin ran home crying, when he told Kyungsoo to go away, every waking moment seemed unbearably hollow. Empty. Void, and filled with nothingness. Jongin was twice as lonely than when he first experienced loneliness. And it was hard to get by each day with the same aching pain inside his chest.The same painful contraction within his heart.

That’s right; he knew. He knew it all started at the moment Kyungsoo left. Not that he would ever admit that to himself. He welcomed pain more than he could ever welcome the one person he held dear. Chest pains could come as much as they wanted.

Jongin would continue to live.

Continue to live truly; focusing on reality and only reality.

Depending on himself and no one else, because in the end, no one could actually care enough to stay. Not even the one person who greeted him I love you every day and night.

Friends? Who needed them anyway? Love? That’s just a fantasy. The world was cold and cruel to those who were misfits seeking to find a better place. Seeking to find a ray of hope in their lonely lives; even if it was just black and white.

To be loved was not their fate. And Jongin learned that the hard way.

He was the boy who was too dark, too rich and too weird. He was the boy who was born to be nothing but a vessel for money when the time came. He was the boy who loved someone that wasn’t real. He was… just another face among millions. If he died, no one would cry—no one would care. It wouldn’t stop the world from spinning. Maybe his parents would actually be happy he finally died, or maybe they’d whine because now they had to make another child for an heir.

No one would look on his grave and feel lonely without him.

No one ever loved and will love Kim, Jongin.

The next day, Jongin got perfect marks on his biology test. Not that he wanted to, he just didn’t have anything else to do but study. He had no parents to please, no friends to hang-out with, so he directed all his attention to whatever was placed in front of him.

In the course of that year, Jongin became ever more of a lone wolf than he was before. Back when he still had Kyungsoo, he actually talked and smiled; actually chuckled and laughed, eyes crinkling. Though it was never directed to a real person or object, he at least exhibited signs of being human. But now, a blank look was permanently etched onto his face, and he never talked. Almost as if he was the type of person to lurk in the shadows, waiting for a prey to come his way before he would strike. Even the teachers were a little scared of him, though they never bothered him since he aced all his tests. Rumors spread; that Jongin was a dangerous gangster, or that he hired thugs who could beat up anyone that got on his bad side. It was amusing, Jongin thought. But then again, he didn’t really give a care. He remained silent, as always.

When dismissal came, Jongin walked out of his classroom and headed to the staircase at the far end of the hallway, which he started to use this year. No one else used that one, most opting to use the other staircase nearby, so Jongin liked it there.He liked the silence, and the isolation from packed bodies trying to get down one narrow flight of stairs.

But to his surprise, as he took steps further down, he heard voices.

“Don’t leave…” A girl’s voice came with a sniffle. “I really really love you. I promise that I do.”

A boy sighed. “Yerim… I’m not really your boyfriend. We already talked about this; I pretended to be your boyfriend so I could make Minah jealous and win her back. You agreed with it because you had a crush on me, but you knew we weren’t going to last. Minah wants me back now. So it’s time for me to go.”

“N-no… I agreed to it because I thought… I thought if we spent time together, you could learn to love me too…

It was three months, Dongjoon.

We kissed, hugged, held hands, went to movies, had picnics and… said ‘I love you’ for three months…

And I… I meant all of it; poured my emotion in all of it. Opened up my heart and laid it bare for you; showered you with my feelings.

My love.

But to you… did you never once think that maybe you could love me too?”

The boy snorted.

“Of course not.

Because I was never yours to begin with.

You shouldn’t have fallen in love with someone that was never really there.

I may have been with you during those three months, but you knew my heart was always somewhere else.

You actually thought I would settle for someone like you? Just another wallflower, without even friends to hang-out with?

The love you thought I had for you—it didn’t exist. Doesn’t exist.

Never will.”

The girl’s sobs resounded, as the boy’s diminishing footsteps were heard. Jongin grabbed the staircase railing for purchase. He was having chest pains again.

You shouldn’t have fallen in love with someone that was never really there.

The love you thought I had for you—it didn’t exist. Doesn’t exist.

Never will.

Tears fell from Jongin’s eyes, as his knees slowly buckled and his entire form caved in. He lied on the fourth step of the staircase; passed out on the flight of stairs connecting the third floor to the second. 

“Jongin,” a voice said.

Jongin’s eyes blearily opened, and he felt small palms touch his cheeks in the most familiar way. He found himself in a field of flowers; head on Kyungsoo’s lap as the small male looked down at him smiling.

Jongin felt tears well up. But he wouldn’t cry. Not in front of this person. If Kyungsoo was a person at all. He hadn’t imagined Kyungsoo for over a year, and to see him looking exactly the way he should… well, it was agonizing.

Kyungsoo was both a home and a place he couldn’t stay in; both real love and just conjured up emotion; both everything and yet nothing at all.

Jongin didn’t want to see him. But he actually did.

Kyungsoo rubbed his thumbs in comforting circles on Jongin’s cheeks. It felt good, but it also burned. Yet, Jongin couldn’t close his eyes. He couldn’t look away from Kyungsoo.

“When you need someone to hold you, or to listen; when you want someone to kiss you and tell you you’re loved, you’ll always have me. Because Jongin, I exist in here.”

The same words from their childhood tumbled out of Kyungsoo’s lips in the most graceful manner. Kyungsoo placed his hand on Jongin’s heart, like he did before.

“I will always be with you when you need me; when your heart feels empty. All you have to do is imagine, and I’ll be there to hold your hand. I promise.

I’ll be with you, Jongin.

Until the day you get a real friend that can make you feel loved.”

“Sh-shut up…” Jongin finally said. He thought he wouldn’t cry.

His own hands moved to touch Kyungsoo’s. It felt so right to feel this warmth again. Temporary bliss amidst the island he had become.

“Don’t you get it Kyungsoo?” he said as he felt his heart squeeze, causing him pain. Strangely it didn’t hurt as much. Maybe nothing was more painful than seeing Kyungsoo again.

“I don’t want a real friend anymore. If I have you, that’s enough.”

Kyungsoo just shook his head. “I’m not enough. I will never be enough.”

Jongin slowly sat up and took Kyungsoo in his arms for the first time in a year; buried his face where Kyungsoo’s neck met his shoulders. How he missed this.

“You’ve always been enough to me.”

They stayed like that for a while, until Kyungsoo finally spoke.

“Jongin… you know that I love you.

I’m sorry that I can’t be more for you.”

Jongin felt the pain in his chest start to increase. At the same time, every flower in the field wilted and the skies turned gray. Kyungsoo began to sob to himself.

“I hate you, hyung…You don’t understand; you don’t know how much you mean to me!”Jongin’s own voice thundered over the field.

“But if this is what you want; if you want to leave, then that’s fine! Since you don’t regard my love with importance; since you say you’re not enough even though you’re all I ever needed and wanted, then that’s alright with me!

Go away and don’t ever show your face again!”

Kyungsoo slowly turned black and white. And pretty soon he faded away.

Jongin was holding onto nothing but air all over again.

Jongin woke up with tears on his face. He also had an aching back from passing out on the staircase. He slowly pulled himself together and stood up. After wiping his tear-stained face, he proceeded to head downstairs, out of the school, and went home.

Having a nightmare was a new event for him.

Maybe he’ll stop by the doctor again today.

***

Author's note:

Hi!! :D Fourth chapter up! Also, I made revisions for Chapter three, so you guys could read it again if you want :) Just added some more lines to the last part of the chapter. Bye~