Kibum’s POV

I looked at my dashboard and typed the lyrics to Someday.

I hit submit as I updated my twitter account. It’s been years since I was last active in twitter. It’s been years since I was last active as a Super Junior member. Even after I left, I continued to support them. I bought their CDs, listened to their songs and even went to a couple of Super Shows. I did it without them knowing of course.

Years had passed since I announced my hiatus. At the height of our popularity, it reappeared. I thought that after training for several years that this won’t resurface but it did. It resurfaced, that’s why I had to leave. I had to leave in order to prevent embarrassing the other members.

I received a notification on my phone. I checked what the notification was for and saw that I received a reply tweet from Donghae. He tweeted the lyrics to their song A Day. That doesn’t mean anything significant, right?

Would they even accept me coming back? They became really successful after I left. It wouldn’t be fair to just come back and act as if nothing happened. I can’t just reappear and be a part of Super Junior when I did nothing to reach the Hallyu star status. It would seem like I’m riding on their success if I return. That would be if they accept me back.

When I auditioned, I auditioned to be an actor under SM entertainment. However, they also asked me to sing, in which I complied. With the intentions of being an actor, I became a trainee instead. They said that I had potential in becoming an idol and that I could use the status of an idol to gain popularity I could use as an actor.

I didn’t argue and followed their suggestion. I became a trainee. I had vocal and dance lessons along with other trainees. The only difference between us was that my sole purpose was to become an actor while their dreams involved singing.

I feel that acting is my calling. Although I’m pursuing my dreams as an actor, it’s becoming such a chore for me these days that I even declined drama offers. As I sit here in my room all alone, I feel like something’s missing. There’s this piece of me that always feel empty.

When I act, I become someone else. I become someone who isn’t a problematic person but rather the character I’m supposed to portray. I become someone who isn’t Kim Kibum. Even when I was pursuing acting, I could never feel complete like how I felt when I was still in Super Junior.

To be honest, I don’t even like singing that much, but I was decent. I was okay in dancing, but it isn’t my thing either. Even though I wasn’t necessarily the best in either of them, I was content. You could even say that I was happy.

So why did I announce my hiatus right at the peak of Super Junior’s success? It’s because my disorder resurfaced. I don’t know when it started but I know that I’ve had it for as long as I could remember.  

Ryeowook and I were the maknaes of Super Junior before Kyuhyun became a part of Super Junior. I was blessed to have hyungs who watched over me and were there for me whenever I needed them. Sometimes we had our disagreements but it usually resolved in the same day, a few days max.

We were only a project group but because our debut was a success, we gained more fans and eventually the project group was dropped as Kyuhyun was added to Super Junior. Each day our popularity heightened and as we rose to fame, my social anxiety worsened.

One time it got so bad that I froze in the middle of a song. I ruined Super Junior’s image and felt insignificant. At that point in time I thought, “Ah… wouldn’t it be better if I wasn’t a part of this? Would Super Junior be more successful if I wasn’t bringing them down.” They did. They rose in fame when I disappeared.

My train of thought was interrupted when I received another notification on my phone. It was another reply tweet. This time it was from Jungsoo hyung.

Should I pluck the stars for you, count them
One, two, three
With the stars we’ve lost
We are thirteen stars

#SuperJunior #Superman #5jib #SnowWhiteComeHome

I checked the time and it’s been a few hours since I first tweeted. At first it was Donghae, now it was Jungsoo hyung. What exactly are they trying to say? Does this mean something significant or am I overanalyzing their tweets.

Donghae is really enthusiastic and full of energy. It’s impossible to hate him, he’s just lovable. We instantly became friends. I was more on the quiet side but that never mattered. He would talk on my behalf and it was fine. He was the first person I opened up to about my Social Anxiety Disorder. At first he joked around and how debuting might not be a good idea for me. However, in the end he just said that he would support me with whatever path I chose.

“Honey…” I heard someone knock.

I stayed on my bed and ignored the knock. I continued to drown myself with Super Junior’s music. I cannot help but feel a pang in my heart knowing that I was once part of something this great. Now I’m all alone, following the dream I always dreamed of but feel the longing of something that once was.

I don’t even know if I can overcome my disorder. In the slim chances that they would let me back in, what would happen if I froze on stage again? They are more famous now and if my slipup happens again, I would create more damage than I did before.

“Honey… it’s for you,” my mom said as she went in my room and handed me the phone. “It’s Donghae,” she announced.

On my last day at the dorms, my parents picked me up along with the few things I packed for our visit to Toronto, Canada. They said that we were just going to Toronto for a few months for therapy retreat, but it’s been years since we moved here. I would travel when I received movie and drama offers but as soon as it ends, I go back to Toronto.

When my parents picked me up, Donghae followed me outside and talked to my mom. He asked my mom if he could exchange numbers with her just in case I would change numbers and not stay in contact with him.

I took the phone from my mom and said a simple hi.

“Kibummie,” Donghae greeted with his Mokpo accent. “How are you Kibummie,” Donghae said as he continued speaking in his Mokpo accent.

“I thought that you don’t use satoori anymore because it ruins your image,” I asked amused.

“What do you mean? It’s just between the two of us so no one will know. Unless you record my satoori voice and send it to the media, I’ll take the first trip to Toronto and kidnap you,” Donghae continued speaking in his Mokpo accent.

I couldn’t help but laugh at him. “Maybe, I’ll even follow you willingly. Are you buying my airfare?” I asked amused.

“If that’s all it takes to bring back the prodigal son then I’ll buy you the ticket. Just a warning though, it would be a one way ticket with no refund,” Donghae replied as he continued speaking in his Mokpo accent.

I couldn’t hold back my laughter. He never fails to amuse me.

“Isn’t it dawn there right now?” I asked as I tried to compose myself.

“Yeah but we had a recording that started around midnight. I called your mom as soon as we finished. Do you want to speak to the other members?” Donghae asked.

Before I could protest, I could hear some shuffling as the phone was given to another person. “Yah… you brat. I missed you,” I heard Youngwoon hyung say.

“Hi hyung. How are you doing?” I replied.

“I’m doing good. I finally finished my military service,” Youngwoon hyung replied.

“Yah… it’s been 2 years since you finished. I even finished mine a few weeks ago,” I heard Jungsoo hyung’s voice in the background.

“Hahaha… you heard that? The grandfather is boasting how he just finished his military service,” Youngwoon hyung commented. I heard laughter on the other end of the phone which caused my smile to grow wider; some things never change.

I heard some shuffling in the background as Shindong hyung commented, “We’re going one by one. Jongwoon is currently serving in the military right now and I’m starting my training after the 7^th album promotions.”

“Yah… stop scaring him. It’s been a while since we last talked and you’re talking about military duties,” I heard Youngwoon hyung chastise Shindong hyung.

“Sorry...” Shindong hyung said as I could hear some shuffling once again. This time, there was a bit of an echo to their voices. I guess they turned the speaker on.

“What is up with your twitter update?” I recognized the voice as Hyukjae hyung’s.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“You sort of surprised everyone. You haven’t updated your twitter in a while then all of a sudden you tweet one of our songs,” Hyukjae hyung said.

I don’t know what came over me, but I corrected him and said, “Technically, it’s not your song. You guys did a remake of it.”

“Wow… you do deserve the title of Super Junior’s maknae. You may be quiet, but when you speak, it’s almost as witty as Kyuhyun,” Hyukjae hyung commented which caused laughter in the background.

“I was the former maknae,” I retaliated.

“Not was… you still are. We’re part of the maknae line remember,” I heard Ryeowook clarify.

I was moved by Ryeowook’s comment. Even after years of not being an active Super Junior member, they still consider me as part of the team.

Before I could speak, I heard Kyuhyun’s voice at the other end of the line. He announced, “Using the word ‘surprise’ is an understatement. You know what Donghae did? In the middle of recording a song, that kid stopped the recording and announced on the booth that you updated your twitter. Because of him, we had to record the song again. That’s why it took us longer in the recording studio.”

“I’m your hyung. You can’t call me a kid,” I heard Donghae protest.

I couldn’t help but laugh at Donghae’s childish tendencies.

“Snow White when are you coming home,” I recognized the voice as Heechul hyung. After all, he was the one who came up with our Disney nicknames.

Before I could stop myself, I heard my own voice reply and said, “Would you even accept me back?”

“Of course,” I heard a chorus of voices say together.

“Did you see my reply tweet? We started a SnowWhiteComeHome trend and some fans have begun trending it. In a few hours, ELFs will trend it worldwide,” Heechul hyung announced. I shook my head no and realized that this wasn’t a video chat and that they can’t see my actions.

Instead of replying, I checked my phone and it does show in my notifications that I did receive a reply tweet from Heechul hyung.

Before I could reply and tell Heechul hyung that I just saw his reply tweet, I heard Ryeowook say, “Kibum, we know that being an idol isn’t easy for you. Frankly, it’s not easy for us either.  The best thing about being in Super Junior is knowing that you have 14 other members who goes through the same thing as you. It’s reassuring to know that you have 14 other members who would help you when you’re down.”

“Ryeowook’s right Kibum. Cheesy as it may sound, we’re like a big family. We may fight every once in a while but that’s what brothers do. At the end of the day, we know that there’s always 14 other members who loves us and who we can rely on. Even though you don’t literally see everyone all at once, it’s reassuring to know that there are 14 other members who would always have your back,” Siwon hyung added.

“We know that you’re still struggling with your disorder but just like what we told you before, it’s okay even if you still haven’t overcome it. You don’t have to overcome it before you come back. You are welcome to come back whenever you’re ready.  You shouldn’t worry about something that hasn’t even happened yet. It’s okay to make mistakes. If interviews intimidate you, just smile. You don’t have to talk during interviews because I usually do that for the team. Just do what Hyukjae and Donghae do, distract yourselves and do a bit of fan-service,” Jungsoo hyung said.

“Ayy… they do more than ‘just a bit’, they’re the reason Eunhae fanfics are through the roof,” Kyuhyun announced causing laughter on the other side of the phone.

“Yah… you’re just jealous that we’re a hit,” I heard Hyukjae retaliate.

“Just know that you still have us when you need us,” Siwon added.

“When you feel anxious, feel free to talk to me or talk to one of the members. We are here for you. You just need to reach out,” Sungmin said.

I couldn’t help but feel tears form at the corner of my eyes. My tears were slowly falling as I silently weep. I didn’t want them to hear me cry as I tried to supress my tears. My mom, who was sitting at the edge of my bed, gave me a reassuring hug. I didn’t trust my voice enough to speak, so I waited until they speak again.

“I’ll book you a flight for September 14. You still have time to decide if you’re ready to come back. If you’re not then that’s also fine. We’ll still be here for you. On September 19, we will have our Super Show’s opening weekend celebrating our 100^th concert. It would mean a lot if you were there to celebrate with us. You don’t have to perform if you are not ready yet,” Donghae announced.

I cleared my throat and wiped the tears that fell from my face. “You don’t have to do that. I can buy my own ticket,” I replied as soon as I composed myself.

“So you’re coming back?” Donghae squealed in a high pitched voice.

“I’m coming back,” I replied which shocked my mom who was sitting beside me.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll book your flight as soon as we get to the dorm and send you your itinerary,” Donghae said. “I’m bringing back the prodigal son,” I heard Donghae say in a sing-song voice.

“I’ll see you guys soon,” I said as I heard them reply with a chorus of ‘see you soon’.

“Are you sure hun?” my mom asked as soon the call ended.

I didn’t answer my mom and simply nodded. Truth to be told, I don’t know if I’m ready. Hell… I don’t even know if I am able to overcome my disorder. I do know that one thing’s certain. I know that Super Junior is that missing piece that I’ve always felt was empty.  Even if being an idol is not my calling, it completes the missing piece that was left empty.  

Even when I’m unstable, I know that I have a stable home to comeback to. I would be surrounded with people who love me and support me every step of the way. What is Super Junior to me? Super Junior is my home. Super Junior is my stable safe haven. I started out as nothing and together we built this strong foundation we can always come back to.

I opened my twitter once again and sent another tweet.

---

A/N: This is just fiction and they didn't really tweet this but this oneshot is inspired by Kibum's tweet and Heechul's instagram update with Kibum. I wanted to post this even though I haven't finished Everlasting Love because today is Super Junior's 9th Aniversary. November 6, 2005, Super Junior debuted <3 9 years and counting :) Don't forget to tell me what you think, subscribe, upvote and comment.