Suho stared at the cupcake, his eyes were lidded and heavy, the weight of his stress was pressing down on his body. He was weak and tense from the strength of the emotions that he had been feeling for the past month. It was his birthday and he was left alone, again. Picking up the lighter he gripped it’s plastic body, he didn’t have to look at it to know what it looked like. It was a Pirates of the Caribbean lighter, Kyuhyun had bought it for him years ago.

 Suho used the lighter when he was upset, he used it far more often than he wanted to admit. He pressed down on the metal dial, roughly spinning it, instantly the smell of gas reached his nose as a small flame erupted from the hole in the top. He slowly lowered the lighter until the flame the wick of the blue and white striped candle he had forced into his cupcake. He watched as the wick lit up, instantly the wax started clumping into bubbles that slowly ran down the shaft of the candle.

 ‘Happy birthday to me,’ breathing in a shaky breath he blew out extinguishing the flame. Gripping the candle he squeezed his eyes shut as the hot wax spilled onto his skin, the searing heat faded quickly as it hardened, molding to his hand. His eyes flew open as he heard a thump outside of his room. ‘Hello?’ His lips tugged into a smile as he placed the candle on the bedside table before walking out of the room. His smile dropped immediately when he was met with the dark hallways of the dorm. Of course, he should have known, everyone was out having fun, doing their own thing.

 He stood motionless in the hallway for a few seconds, staring down the darkness as the humid heat pressed down on his chest, suffocating him. Shaking his shoulders he stepped back into his room, the cool air instantly relaxed him as he fell back onto his bed, staring at the cupcake on his bedside table again. He thought things would be better once he joined EXO, he was used to having his birthdays alone. His parents were always busy, as a kid he spent a lot of time alone, he had to grow up quickly. His brother was never home, being four years older he was always out with friends or studying. Suho was just alone, always, even when he was surrounded by s, he felt isolated.

 Picking up the cupcake Suho stared at the pink icing that was delicately spread over top. Despite being the leader nobody listened to him. Despite being in a group, he was always giving emotional support, never receiving. Despite being the oldest, he was never respected. Despite being a trainee for so long  he was the last of his friends to enter a group. Despite remembering everyone elses birthdays, his was always forgotten.

 He lifted the cupcake to his mouth and the icing off, the sweet confectionary left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth as he stared at the chocolate cake underneath. He took care to always celebrate the other members birthdays, all eleven of them, he was the first to greet them, first to give them presents, first to suggest ways to make them happy. D.O. was usually the one to remember his birthday, but he was busy with family. Because the one person who remembered his birthday was gone the other members disappeared as quick as they could. This was their day off so they instantly ran off to shop, visit family, see friends, or eat out. They didn’t even invite him to go with them.

 Breathing out heavily he gripped the cupcake paper and slowly pulled it off the cupcake, the crumbs fell onto his bed, leaving brown sprinkles on top of his green blanket. He just wanted to be remembered for once, he lifted the cupcake to his mouth and bit into it. He had eaten this cupcake many times before, it was from his favourite cafe but unlike the other times when it would melt in his mouth, leaving behind the delicious sweet cocoa aftertaste with a perfect citrus tang…. it felt dry. It felt like he was eating bark, the aftertaste was strong and sour tasting, he coughed as he covered his mouth.

 Suho forced himself to gulp down the last of the cupcake, refusing to let any of it go to waste. He leaned his back against the wall, closing his eyes as tears warmed them. What Suho wanted for more than anything was to be remembered, to be cared for, to be doted on. He breathed in the stale air as he sniffed, his tears were spilling down his cheeks, leaving behind shining lines. He could feel the walls he had built up breaking, the walls he had worked so hard to create so that he could hide his pain so that his smiling mask could always be set on his face was finally breaking.

 His emotions were pounding on the walls trying to break free, he could feel the painful thuds of their frantic fists, hear the screams they emitted as they begged him to let them go. He could almost smell the dust that filled the air of his heart as the bricks collapsed, releasing all of his emotions. Like a flood they surrounded every ounce of his being, he couldn’t hear any one emotion, he just felt the burn of their feelings. Was he upset? He couldn’t tell all he knew was that his body was tense, as if he were a statue. Was he sad? He didn’t know, all he knew was that he was still crying. Was he lonely? He wouldn’t have been able to tell even if he could feel the longing for the hollow spot in his chest to be filled.

 Suho had been overwhelmed for the past nine years he had just kept it so locked up that now that he could feel again, it was incoherent. He was so overcome that he could only pretend he knew what ailed him. His pried his eyes open to stare at his room, he could see Sehun’s empty bed ahead of him. The blankets were strewn all over just like they always were, he never cleaned up his bed, he left it for Suho to do. He could almost see an echo of Sehun laying on the bed, holding one of Suho’s mangas in the air as he read it. The image of Sehun glanced at Suho before sneering in disdain at seeing his hyung grieving so strongly.

 Suho could almost hear Chanyeol sneering at the doorway commenting on how ugly he looked when he cried. The echoing distorted laughter of Kai’s followed shortly after. He could barely make out Baekhyun’s jeers as he agreed with his younger friend. Did anyone truly care about him? Suho slid limply down the wall, landing with a dull thump on his bed, he always wanted to be a singer ever since he was in elementary school but he often regretted it. He wondered if it was truly worth it. He had to deal with a lot to get where he was now, sometimes he even wondered if the fans wanted him there. He was never their favourites, they always wanted the tall guys like Chanyeol, or the cute and serious guys like D.O. They always liked Kai’s awkwardness and Sehun’s attitude. They loved Baekhyun’s sass, but they never thought twice about him. He was the grandpa, the old one.

 Suho was ancient, incompatible with the rest of the group he was the deviant, he was the lame one. He wasn’t tall, he wasn’t sassy, he didn’t have an attitude, he followed the rules, he wasn’t cute. He was handsome, not y, nobody wanted handsome anymore. He was in the wrong era, he didn’t belong. People looked at him strange when they realised that he barely went against his parents, that he spent more time appeasing them then defying them. He felt worthless. His motto was know yourself, what are you supposed to do when the you that you see in the mirror looks pathetic, ugly, weak, and lonely.

 The him that Suho knew was made of of those four things, he couldn’t see the good in himself anymore. He thought he had good leadership skills, but clearly he didn’t. He thought he was kind yet he felt a grudge growing for s, that never cared for him like he did for them. He thought he was resilient but the words of anti fans stung so much more than he wanted to admit. He just wanted a rest from his life, from himself.

 He clutched the lighter desperately, as if it would relieve him of his pain. For once he wanted to have a happy birthday, for once he wanted to enjoy himself. But he doubted that day would ever come, he didn’t think anyone would ever care enough for him because here he was like all the years previous, alone on the day of his birth.