sometimes you don't realize what you have until it's gone.

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Uom6EDUA4g)
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIslcAtrWvs)

WARNING: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

If there was anyone that Jongdae could actually dislike or hate, it would have to be the doe-eyed, smiling, bright waiter who worked at the same café as he and Minseok did – Luhan. It wasn’t that Jongdae could bring himself to hate Luhan, though, for the boy was a good worker, a friendly person and an overall ball of fluff, light and sweetness rolled into one.

It wasn’t like Minseok was actually ignoring Jongdae, or even paying more attention to Luhan; but to Jongdae, under the certain veil of a green-eyed monster, felt that it was unfair his best friend of sixteen years and crush of ten years was closer to someone he had just met a few months back.

Besides, Jongdae could totally see how much Luhan wanted to get into his friend’s pants, and that itself made the brunette uncomfortable being the middle-man, his feelings aside. For Jongdae, it was already difficult enough harbouring a crush on the oblivious, cherubic-faced male who went by the name of Kim Minseok for ten years, and now, he had competition that couldn’t even be called competition, because Minseok obviously liked Luhan.

‘Only as a friend,’ Minseok had protested when Jongdae had approached him about it; then ‘why would you even care?’ afterwards – and those words had hit Jongdae hard, because really, why would he care? They were, in Minseok’s opinion, best friends of sixteen years, and that was all they’d ever be.

So here Jongdae was, sulkily wiping down the countertop as he watched his crush and Luhan flirt over the menus they were meant to be giving customers.

Jongdae had met Minseok when they were six years old and in kindergarten. It was the typical story of how the weaker friend got bullied, and how the other braver friend had saved him – Minseok was the saviour, and Jongdae was the saved.

Despite how energetic and lively Jongdae was right now, he had been weak as a kid. Because of his weak lungs, Jongdae didn’t talk very often, and he would rather sit in a corner to read his books rather than wrestle in the sand-box with the other kids his age.

The other kids found that to be annoying, and had begun to bully him, calling him names and flicking scrunched-up balls of paper at his head. They tripped him when he walked, tied his shoelaces together, and made him an outcast during lunch and teatime.

One day, though, whilst he was reading a book under the shade of the big oak tree, the bullies decided that enough was enough, and they stomped up to him, demanding him to stop being a . The biggest one, an eight year-old, held Jongdae up by his collar and the shock made the younger boy paralyzed as the shirt choked him.

He still remembers how scary it was, wheezing loudly for a pocket of air, and how the world was darkening around the edges of his eyes, when suddenly he could breathe again and he was seeing stars. The bullies scurried away at the shrill threatening of a cherubic-faced boy, and when they were all gone, the boy had turned to him, who was still wheezing pathetically on the grass.

“Hey! You okay?” The boy squatted down next to him and placed a soothing hand on his back. “Breathe, okay?”

Jongdae managed a weak nod of his head, and the boy flashes a bright, crooked smile, sticking a hand out to help him up.. “I’m Minseok! What’s your name?”

“J-Jongdae,” The smaller boy utters shyly at last, taking the pre-offered hand.

“Wanna be friends, Jongdae?”

It took a glance at that sweet, crooked smile and wide, twinkling eyes for Jongdae to say yes.

Ever since then, Jongdae had felt admiration for Minseok – who had been smaller than the bullies, yet held power over them – and as he grew older, those feelings of admiration for the older boy slowly manifested and turned into something more.

When he was twelve, Jongdae finally realized that he actually liked Minseok. It was a weird turn-out of events, and when the twelve year-old waddled to his parents wailing about liking a boy, they had sat him down and convinced him that he wasn’t abnormal, and that he wasn’t the only one.

However, his parents had also told him that society viewed same- relationships as wrong, and that he shouldn’t go around saying that he liked a boy to his peers or teachers at school to avoid being bullied, and being the obedient kid he was, Jongdae listened.

Then came the day, a year later, that Minseok confessed to Jongdae that he felt nothing for girls, and he liked boys instead. Jongdae had no idea whether to be happy or relieved, so he chose the safe route of patting Minseok awkwardly on the shoulder and telling him it was alright.

It probably would’ve been better if Jongdae had confessed to Minseok when they were sixteen, right after Minseok had broken up with his first boyfriend – but back then, Jongdae had felt that it would be wrong if he declared his feelings right after Minseok had a break-up.

Jongdae always told himself he would confess the next year, when they were a year older and more mature – but one year turned into two, and in a flash, he became twenty-two, and Minseok twenty-four.

Minseok then went ahead and applied for the job at the café, which was owned by his friend, Kris, and got the job. It took a few months before Jongdae applied for the same job opportunity just to be close to Minseok, and when he got in, he was absolutely beside himself with delight, thinking of all the opportunities to confess to his long-term crush.

Those opportunities were crushed after he kept putting off his confession; Luhan came into the picture two months later, and here they were now.

Minseok fell head-over-heels for the doe-eyed boy, and Luhan fell for Minseok as well – they were glaringly obvious, sneaking glances at each other, and Jongdae knew they both liked each other. His heart was crushed to smithereens, but there was nothing he could do when his feelings weren’t reciprocated.

There was no way that Minseok would ever look to Jongdae as a potential boyfriend, and if that was no way, it was impossible now that Luhan was in the picture.

Now he had to watch as they made ogling eyes at each other, bringing his gaze away as his heart broke again every day as he watched their interactions. Those light hand touching, brushing against each other’s biceps, neck touching, waist hugging and bright smiles – all aimed at each other.

It really hurt, but Jongdae could do nothing but look away.

“Is this one better, or this one?” Minseok asks as he holds up a mint and cream sweater against his body, facing the full-length mirror. Jongdae just lounges on his bed, barely glancing up as he mutters that the cream was a better choice. “Luhan likes the mint one better though.”

“… Then why are you asking me?” Jongdae mutters quietly to himself, busying himself with his phone as he hears his heart shatter for the umpteenth time ever since Luhan had mustered the courage to ask Minseok out on a date.

“Did you say something, Jong?” Minseok turns to him, tossing the cream sweater aside – the very one that Jongdae had given to him for Christmas – and went ahead to pull off his shirt and change into the mint sweater.

“No, nothing. Have fun on your date,” Jongdae deadpans as he keeps his stare levelled on his phone, tapping away at the blank screen just to seem busy.

Minseok flushes red and hits Jongdae’s ankle, the thing that was closest to the foot of the bed and rolls his eyes.

“What about you, Jong? Nobody you fancy yet?” The older boy whistles as he begins to style his hair, the jar of mousse opened and on the nightstand.

Jongdae contemplates confessing his feelings, but thinks better of it – because what good would it do besides destroying their friendship? – and shakes his head.

“No, nobody,” He sighs at last, flicking his gaze up to study Minseok’s appearance through the mirror, letting it travel up those supple thighs, curved waist and broad shoulders before quickly looking away when he met Minseok’s gaze through the glass.

“Should I introduce someone to you?” Minseok asks, a cheeky smile on his face as he strolls over to where Jongdae lay on the bed, flopping his body over the younger’s.

“It’s okay,” Jongdae manages to grunt over the male’s weight, but Minseok is already scrolling through his phone for the contact to give to him.

“Here, this one- He’s a college professor, a year younger than me, so a year older than you, but that should be fine… His name’s Junmyeon and he’s a pretty decent guy, handsome too.” Minseok begins to blabber, and Jongdae tunes him out to enjoy the warmth on top of his body, the way they melded together somehow, savouring the moments he could before---

The clock beeps, signalling eight o’clock, and Minseok jolts up. “Call him, okay? I’m gonna go and meet Luhan now!”

Without a proper goodbye, Minseok flies out of the door with his coat, and Jongdae is left alone in the darkness of the bedroom, feeling empty with a new phone number in his contacts.

Jongdae decides to try with Joonmyun – because really, there wasn’t a reason not to, right? – He meets up with the latter one day. Junmyeon is dressed in a formal shirt and dress pants, and ‘handsome’ wasn’t the appropriate word to describe the male.

With a head full of brunette hair that flopped messily into his bright eyes and a milky pale expanse of skin, Joonmyun was absolutely breath-taking. If Jongdae wasn’t so hopelessly in love with his best friend, he wouldn’t have minded dating Junmyeon.

Throughout the course of the date, Jongdae finds out that Junmyeon is an avid fan of novels, and they share an interest for the comedy-romance genre. The romantic idea of a date was thrown out of the window by then, and they began to discuss about the ideal type of guys they liked.

Halfway through the discussion, Jongdae’s phone rings, and when the brunette sees Minseok’s name flash on his screen, he picks it up immediately with an apologetic glance towards Junmyeon, who just smiles and gestures for him to take the call.

“Jong, Luhan has to work the graveyard shift… I know you’re on a date, but can you come over now? I’m really lonely and it’s thundering outside, I’m scared.”

“Okay, I’m on my way,” Jongdae agrees immediately, and when he hangs up, he stands up right after, apologizing profusely to Junmyeon. “I’m so sorry Jun; my best friend needs me right now.”

Junmyeon just flashes him a bright smile and nods in an understanding way, “It’s alright, Jongdae, go ahead. I mean, this was meant to be a date, but I think of you in a platonic light.”

Jongdae thanks him, apologizes again, and then rushes out of the door quickly. Without hesitation, he hails a cab and gives the address he’s memorized for so long to the driver.

When Jongdae manages to meet with Junmyeon again, the professor has his hair dyed a nice shade of maroon, and he whistles when he sees it. The café they meet at is a nice, quaint little café with pastel colours instead of the standard dark oak and wood, and on every seat, there was a unicorn plushie. Apparently, Junmyeon’s friend owned this café, and he had an undying love for unicorns. There was an interesting backstory to this friend, but Jongdae had forgotten about it.

“That’s a nice shade on you, Jun,” Jongdae compliments as he takes a seat opposite of the older male and takes a stuffed unicorn into his arms. “How’ve you been lately?”

“I’m just peachy since it’s the exams period now,” The redhead flashes a tired smile before he leans in on his elbows and studies his friend’s face. “You look like , though, Jongdae. What happened? Don’t give me that not enough sleep bull, because you work in a café, and I know your boss doesn’t give you graveyard shifts because that Luhan guy covers them.”

“Minseok and Luhan have been fighting lately, and I’ve been comforting Minseok all night nowadays,” Jongdae explains, rubbing at his eyes as he whines about how he needed more sleep.

Junmyeon studies him for a while more before he sets his cup of tea down on the table softly, “Tell me… Minseok’s not just a best friend to you, is he?”

Jongdae glances up at the teacher warily, but something in the warm gaze and comforting smile, Jongdae’s walls crumble down, and for the first time in ten years, he tells someone of his feelings for his best friend.

For the first time in ten years, Jongdae cries.

It was a Saturday morning when Minseok barges into his room, flings himself face-down onto the bed and sobs his heart out. Without even asking, Jongdae rubs his back and attempts to comfort his friend, only to get swatted away and screamed at.

The cautious brunette then brews a cup of honey lemon for his mess of a best friend, and Minseok, through his waterfall of tears and choked words, explained that he and Luhan had broken up the day before. Apparently, Luhan was moving back to China because his mother was sickly, and he wanted to take care of her – however, he wasn’t certain about having a long-distance relationship, and told Minseok that it was best if they broke up.

Jongdae would’ve been fist-pumping the air and screaming ‘oh yeah’, but when he realized how broken Minseok was without Luhan, he then knew he had lost all along. The older male drinks his honey lemon, sobs onto Jongdae’s pillow for a while more until he falls asleep.

When he does, Jongdae carries him to bed and his hair, admiring those features that he had loved for so long. While Minseok is asleep, his phone rings, and Jongdae picks it up out of habit.

“Jongdae? Is that you?” Luhan’s voice is raw, as if he’d been crying for hours straight, and Jongdae’s heart clenches because he realizes that Luhan still loves Minseok even though they had broken up.

“Yeah, it’s me,” Jongdae utters at last when he’s gotten a hold of himself.

“Is Minseok there? Is he okay?”

Jongdae wants to laugh bitterly, but he chokes on it and manages to tell Luhan that Minseok was upset and heartbroken.

“I… I actually really want to make this work, but I can’t do long-distance relationships…” Luhan trails off, choking back a sob, and Jongdae just finds himself tearing because the realization of how he can’t compete for Minseok’s love is tearing him apart.

“If you love him… You’d find a way,” Jongdae manages to choke out at last, and Luhan’s shuddering breath tells him that the male agrees. “I wish you two the best, okay?”

“Take care of him while I’m not there, would you?” Luhan requests at last after a moment of collecting himself.

Jongdae hesitates for a moment before he answers, “… I’ll do my best.”

Minseok and Luhan manage to keep their relationship somehow, because Luhan calls again and asks Minseok to forgive him, and being the sap that Minseok was, he agreed. They had decided that whilst they were apart, they were free to see other people, but not to get into relationships.

Every day that Jongdae sees Minseok smiling while on the phone with Luhan, his heart breaks just a little more than it had every single day ever since he realized he loved Minseok. Every day, the realization that he could never have Minseok just hits him harder and harder; that he could never ever compete against Luhan even if he was reborn sinks in deeper and deeper.

Jongdae realizes that even if his eyes only hold Minseok, Minseok’s eyes only gravitate towards Luhan.

Unreciprocated love was the worse.

Without realizing, Jongdae sank into a deep pit of depression – one that he had been slowly sinking into since Luhan and Minseok happened – and now he was trapped with no way out. What was worse that he could’ve been the one from the start, but he hadn’t said anything, and now it was too late.

It was impossible to move on from Minseok for Jongdae. It had been ten years since he had fallen in love, and just watching Minseok being so happy with Luhan pierced his heart like a thousand knives. He was the worst friend someone could ask for, because he was supposed to be happy for Minseok, but he was forcing all his smiles and happiness.

He was selfish; he was a monster – and Jongdae cries himself to sleep every day now knowing that if given the chance, he would steal Minseok from Luhan. It was horrible, having these thoughts of stealing your friend from his boyfriend, even if he loved Minseok.

Kim Jongdae was a monster, and he knew it.

For the fifth time in a month, Jongdae finds himself waking up at the hospital – he doesn’t know how he had ended up here, the previous night’s events all bleary as he tries to make sense of the white room. His arm is hooked up to an IV drip, and when his vision finally focuses, he sees Junmyeon dozing in the rickety chair in the corner.

Jongdae tears up when he realizes that Minseok wasn’t there, and he starts to sob loudly, startling Junmyeon awake. The professor rushes to his side immediately and his back in comfort.

“Why isn’t he here?” Jongdae chokes out, feeling his breath running short. “Why?!”

Junmyeon swallows back his tears upon seeing how desperate his friend was; even from the first day they met, he knew how important Minseok was to Jongdae – and it hurt to see Jongdae so broken over someone who didn’t even like him back the way he did.

The male starts to hyperventilate as he attempts to rip the IV drip out of his arm, and Junmyeon bursts into tears as the nurses swarmed into the room, locking Jongdae’s arms down as he thrashes about violently, screaming for them to let him go.

He could only stand helplessly to the side as they injected a drug into the IV drip to tranquilize him, and after Jongdae slipped into unconsciousness, he follows the doctor out for the results with a burdened heart.

The voices outside of the room were muffled, but Jongdae could somehow hear them just fine. His tears wouldn’t stop cascading down his cheeks as he sits there, body and heart numbed by the drugs injected into his bloodstream.

He didn’t think there was anything wrong with himself, but the doctors had filed it as mild depression – and Jongdae wanted to laugh at that. He wasn’t depressed, he was just simply heartbroken, and the idea of being put on pills for something as ridiculous as that was… well, ridiculous.

When a creak sounded, Jongdae barely manages to keep his eyes open to see Junmyeon walk in with a grocery store bag, smiling at him sadly.

“I bought you bread today,” The redhead tells him, placing the plastic on the table, choking up at the sight of how ill Jongdae looked. It had been days since Jongdae last ate, refusing every single meal and even a sip of water – his cheeks were sunken in, his eyes unfocused from the drugs, his skin and lips pale.

Jongdae had been reduced into a bag of bones, and he was weakening with every single moment.

“Where’s… Minseok…” Jongdae rasps out – the same question he would ask every day, and Junmyeon tears up again.

“He’s busy,” Junmyeon replies, and it’s the same answer that Jongdae gets every day.

The truth was that Junmyeon hadn’t told Minseok about Jongdae being in the hospital, for the male was happy being with Luhan in China right now, and there was no way for Junmyeon to contact him. Minseok would only be back in two or three weeks’ time, and he had mentioned that he didn’t have any roaming data.

Jongdae’s eyes flutter close, but they open again as he tries to sit up; a shuddering breath leaving his body at the lack of energy. Junmyeon steps over to help him, and when Jongdae is propped against the fluffed pillows, he turns slowly to look at the garden outside.

“The roses… are so beautiful,” Jongdae whispers, and Junmyeon nods beside him. “Can I… take a walk outside?”

There was no way Junmyeon was going to say no; within minutes, he had a wheelchair readied for Jongdae, and the male was carried onto it. Jongdae weighed literally nothing, and Junmyeon’s heart broke for his friend again.

It became a habit for Jongdae to request going for the garden, until he no longer had the energy to turn his head any more, only resting with his face towards the window. The doctors had attempted to feed him through the IV drip since he wasn’t consuming physical food, but Jongdae vomited whatever he got fed out.

Eventually, the doctors filed his case as severe depression, and they attempted to make him attend therapy as well as upping his dosage of medicines, but Jongdae began to close up even more through the therapy sessions.

They injected the anti-depressants into his system, but nothing changed, and Jongdae became a hopeless case. In the end, Jongdae became a case that the doctors had no chance of saving even from the start.

Jongdae became nothing but a broken, empty shell.

Minseok didn’t know what to expect when Junmyeon called him all of a sudden during his vacation. He didn’t know why either, but he booked a flight back to Korea immediately after, and apologized to Luhan before he got on the plane, telling him he would be back soon.

“It’s Jongdae,” Junmyeon whispers over the phone, and Minseok briefly wondered how he got a hold of Luhan’s house number. “I can’t explain over the phone, but I need you to fly back immediately as soon as you can.”

The male frowns as he recalls his conversation with Junmyeon – no matter how much he begged for the professor to tell him what had happened, Junmyeon only insisted he come back to Korea immediately. Without a choice and a lingering ominous feeling in his heart, he sat on the plane back to Korea.

Junmyeon greets him at the airport, clad in black as he waves to let Minseok know his location. Without a word, Junmyeon leads him to the car, and Minseok doesn’t question his friend. Throughout his vacation, he had wondered why Jongdae hadn’t written a letter to him, and now his best friend wasn’t here to greet him as well.

The ominous feeling in his heart grows as the ride continues in a grave silence, and when they finally stop near the ocean, Minseok wonders where Jongdae was.

Slowly, Junmyeon leads Minseok up a large hill until they reached the peak of it, where a tree grew by itself and a small, shaped statue with an angel atop of it rested beside that. Junmyeon approaches the statue carefully, guiding Minseok along before he crouches down in front of the statue. Minseok stands behind him, furrowing his brows in confusion as he watches his friend the granite with a loving hand.

“Like I promised you… I brought him here like you wanted.” Junmyeon whispers as if he was speaking to the statue. “I didn’t tell him anything that happened, but I guess he’ll figure it out for himself now.”

Junmyeon glances back at Minseok before he straightens up and moves away so that Minseok could take his place. With curious eyes, Minseok crouches down to peer at the small engraving on the statue that Junmyeon was moments ago.

Kim Jongdae

28/071992

May you find happiness wherever you are.

The time seemed to come to standstill as Minseok stared at the name, reading it over and over again. He doesn’t know whether to cry or to scream, and he glances up at Junmyeon as if to ask for a confirmation if it was reality he was in.

Wordlessly, Junmyeon presses a worn piece of paper into Minseok’s hands, pats his shoulders in a comforting gesture and attempts to smile. Minseok sees the tears forming in his friend’s eyes, and unknowingly, his own tears have slipped down his face as well.

With trembling hands, Minseok unfolds the paper, recognizing the neat scrawl of Jongdae’s handwriting immediately. His tears seemed to have no end, and it was difficult to read through the tears forming in his eyes. His loud keening echoed into the ocean, and Minseok sobbed into Junmyeon’s arms as the letter flutters to the ground, resting in front of the stone.

Dear Minseok,

When you read this, I’ll probably be gone. I’m not sure if it’s going to be real or not, but I just have this gut feeling I won’t be around anymore. I hope you and Luhan are happy together.

Do you remember how we met? You saved me from bullies when we were younger. I really looked up to you then, and I still look up at to you now. You’re my best friend, and I really appreciate you for being around for me.

Even though we were close, I don’t think you know something. I guess I can say it now. Remember you asked me if I fancied anyone that time? Well, I do have someone I fancy. The person I fancy has the most beautiful, cherubic face. He has the most gorgeous, rounded eyes, and they sparkle like the stars in the night sky. He’s got a crooked smile, but it’s a bright, breath-taking one nevertheless. He’s really nice, friendly and cheeky, and he understands me perfectly. He’s like my best friend, and through those years that I’ve liked him, I’ve never told him once about my feelings. That’s the only bad thing about him – he’s really, really oblivious.

Do you know who that person is?

That’s right, it’s you.

I’ve liked you for ten years now, Minseok. I’ve liked you since the day you saved me, but the day I realized I liked you was the year I turned twelve. I guess this is really selfish of me to say because you have Luhan, but I wish things could’ve turned out differently. You never looked at me as more than a friend, and that’s the way it would always be, no matter how many years I like you.

I don’t think I’ve asked for much – I don’t want you to reciprocate my feelings, or love me, or anything. All I wanted was for you to look at me, just once. One time would be more than enough for me.

I guess it’s too late now. I’m really selfish, aren’t I? But since you can’t change your mind about your feelings now, I can say it all I want. I’m free to, right? You’ll let me, right?

I like you.

I really like you.

I really, really like you.

That’s a lie.

Please be happy always.

Promise me that.

I love you.

Kim Jongdae