In my world, reality doesn’t take a place. In my world, everything is perfect except the fact that I’ll never have a mother nor will i accept one. I thought if I could dream about that perfect place, I would be okay… but nightmares keep showing up. I’m not afraid for the nightmares, I’m quite scared of the possibility that one of my nightmares will come true.

  “This is my sanctuary. Who let you in?”, I showed no remorse for the coy eyes looking back at mine. Why was she back in my life? I thought if I vanished her in my world, she would be forever gone. Boy, I was wrong.   “I’m a vistor. Shouldn’t you treat me like a guest? I bought you a gift by the way. I hope you like chocolate.”, The smile curved in a way, that no one could smile as she pointed to the large basket of dangerous deluxe candy. Even the logo of the candy irked me.   “Am I a hotel? I can’t eat chocolate anyways.”, I rebutted angrily,”Is that what you want? Me to die?”    Yura moved her hair to the side as she glanced around the room with her disinterested eyes. I could feel the immense frustration building up in my body everytime she took a glance at me. It felt as if it was like years ago: judgement. Whether it was bad or good, I hated it. I just hated it.   “Of course…not.”, She hesitated as she walked toward me with her heels clicking against the floor. She knew…she had to.   “Then, you should’ve did your research if you wanted to gift me something.”, I called her out. If she knew of my existance, she would have asked why I was in this jail house.    “I could have.”, She said carelessly scoffing at me like she did the last time I met her.   “How did you find me?”, I asked curiously as I watched her walk around the room and towards the window.   “Honestly, It took me forever to find you. I had to go back to our high school, any of your pathetic non-existing friends, and then I remembered…. you were the sick one.”,    “What did you do? Look up every hospital for my name?”, I rebutted disgusted at her.   “It wasn’t hard. Technology enables the world to have access to anything.”   “Why… come back to my life? You were the one who wanted me gone.”, I clenched my fist into a ball, getting angry by the second.   “Since we all grown up, I thought we move pass that point. I guess not. Everyone went to college but you. Everyone got married, but you. Everyone has a life.”, She reminded me of my past.   I knew who she was referring towards. Her first love…her first unrequited love. The first guy who made her heart jump to everything he did, yet he couldn’t love her the same. Why is she…still thinking about him?   “But you couldn’t reclaim him?”, I hit her nerve.   “I finally made my break as reporter… I’m more than determined to find him now. It may break my boyfriend’s heart, but if Myungsoo is out there…”, she looked out the window, “I just want to see him. I want to embrace him and tell him….tell him…"   “You’ll confess? Aren’t you tired of all the childish plays? If he’s gone, let him be gone. If you already have someone you like, leave him alone.”, I shook my head at her logic. She was still a little kid, like the last time we met. Clueless about love and what real love was.   “Child’s play?”, She started to laugh,”You ruined my first love. You think you can tell me what to do?” A bitter laugh to play things off, how clever she is.   Yura got frustrated, her low tolerance for her temper was beyond her limits. She walked towards me, with scoffing as if I was the one at fault. Everything I spoke was the truth. No lies. Is she depending on lies to live on so she would have a reason to find him? If she found love, why find the false love she had years ago?   “Then, leave me alone. There’s no use in torturing me to find him. There’s no use. Now, if you could excuse me… I need to sleep.”, I pushed her so I could get into my bed, but she grabbed my wrist puling me towards her.   “He ran away. Back when everything started to fall apart, he tried to find you. After you started to disappear from school, from your house, from his life… he had a desire to find you. Back then, he kept asking me for you even when I tried to confess my feelings. I admit that you win from seducing him, but I can't admit how you got him chasing after you. It's not like you are the queen or anything.”   I bit my lip, he tried that hard to find me? Myungsoo, what a kid. He was the one who was the rebel at school, trying to see me every second he could. Was I up to it? No, I wanted him to do well. Now, I'm kind of wondering how's he is doing with life. If Yura interferes, will he ever be at peace?   “So what? What does that mean to me?”, but then I remembered...why do I care? That was years ago. He probably fell in love with someone better than me, healthier than me....more sane than Yura.   “That means, if you were to be televised, he might come back into your arms… and I can finally see him.”, she sighed in hope, staring off in space probably dreaming of fantasies beyond my control.   She drops my arms as her hopes started to fly. Useless hopes that stand for nothing. Hopes are for the fools that think that shooting stars are real. Hope simply does exist in this cruel world. I turned around, with anger building up in my body.   “What makes you think that I want him back in my life? What makes you think that I want to be on television? I don’t want to look for pity. I’m not looking for attention.”,    “Don’t you love him still? All these years?”,   “Love is a waste for me… Like you said, how can he come chasing for me when I didn't bother to look for him. Did I really have feelings for him? ”, I replied as her facial expression changed.   “I- I’ll give you money.”, she stuttered out of desperation. The look in her eyes changed suddenly from that girl who bullied me for years to a vulnerable one. But I couldn’t figure out how love could make a person so miserable yet so happy at the same time. Love isn’t forever, why keep holding on to a unrequited love? It’s unnecessary, needless I would say.   But…   When Money is offered in front of me… I’m weak. I needed money so bad if I wanted to live. But was money something I could take out of this witches hand? Let’s assume she has plenty that she doesn’t need, will I be able to live with that? With the price of my life on the life, I have no choice but to state the obvious. I sighed in regret, swallowing every bit of pride I had to begin with.   “How much?”, I closed my eyes requesting for the right price.   “How much do you need?”, She replied softly, probably from the desire of finding her first love.   “I need to pay for my surgery.”,   “I’ll pay you half. Will that be enough?”, she say pulling out her checkbook, making me realize that she was serious. Everything was serious to her.   Looking at the checkbook glisten in the light.. It was as if I just exchanged my soul to the devil. The exact devil that made me the girl I am today.    “I want it in cash.”, I proclaimed as I folded my arms and proceeded to stare at her.   “Alright. When I call to confirm the television news, I’ll bring the money.”   “Okay.”, I said emotionless as Yura hugged me in tears of joy. I would laugh at this scene right now. Why? There is no such thing as tears of joy in my dictionary…                                           February 20th   A day or two must’ve have passed in my dreams, yet in reality only two hours passed. I was left in my room without supervision. Why? I sent them away for the day. I haven’t visited the kids that day. I haven’t seen Donghae either. I was tired and too weak to do much that day.   A phone call did ring.   It wasn’t her.   It was Naeun, It was my dad.   It was my wakeup call.    That next day, I woke up and got ready to find my father. Without hesitation, I told Bora that I took the medication and I would see the kids on an another day.  I missed visiting the kids, and I know they felt the same. But I wanted to find my father. I dressed up more than usually today as well. Complete with a bow in my hair, and blouse and jeans. A complete opposite of who I was. I could barely recognize who I was in the mirror,  but  I was off to find clues to where I would be going. I opened my door to exit, only to find a figure blocking my way,   “Where are you going?”, he said coldly contrasting with his worrisome look in his eyes, but you would have not known the emotional feelings behind those eyes if you wasn’t me. I could tell a beasts feelings apart from his own.   “I’m going to find a way to live the way I want.”, I said trying to say anything to give him the roundabout. I was tired of him standing in the middle, my path that keeps getting interfered. I couldn’t trust anyone anymore, if everyone I seem to love seems to seep through my fingers like sand.   “You can’t go.”, his voice more gruff than usual.   “Why can’t I go?”, I said with a disconcerting look in my eyes.   Pulling a folder of papers, he held it out for me to grab. I glance at name written across the file, Yesung Im. My father? How did he found out who I was? My father has a file in this hospital?My father’s file is in this hospital? What? He could have not been a patient except when he gave me that liver.. but that wouldn’t need a file for the hospital. He wasn’t one to be sick or diseased…   “You found my father’s file for me?”, I said grabbing the file, only for him to tease me with it.  I was done playing games with him.   “Le