How do I feel?

  I feel despair, sadness, and surprised mixed in one emotion that I cannot express. Everything seems to be moving slowly around me, and I’m the only one seeing this. Have I gone mad since I found out? Did things seem to be out of place since I have been gone?   February 2nd   The sun hits my eyes through the closed blinds and it hurts me. I’m sitting in front of the blinds emotionless, thinking of life. It may not look comfortable, but who is comfortable in a hospital full of reminders of how sick one is? The alarm clock beeps, and I don’t dare to look over. It was the same routine everyday, every year. I wake up at nine o’clock, eat breakfast, exercise, eat lunch, drink my medicine, be checked by the nurse, play with the little kids, and then back to bed for the same thing the next morning. The clothes or uncomfortable hospital gowns were not my style. And although I don’t mind, I share a room full of sick kids, but I rather not label them as sick. It gives me a more of a reason to live if I see them as healthy kids just wanting to play with toys or someone of the same nature. I like the kids, but I dislike the hospital. I’m usually a bright person with a bright personality, but the longer I spend at the hospital, I want to leave. It’s a jail.   But today I can’t leave.   I get to find out how far along my disease is.   Yes, I am sick like the kids… I’m like them.   I don’t see the doctor until after I eat lunch so I have a couple hours to do the routine I do everyday. It’s past nine right now, and the nurse is already late to come to my room with the breakfast like always. Nurse Bora. She’s pretty, but she has an attitude of a high school lunch lady with no reason to have a job. We have a cat and mouse relationship that people like to call. She tells me what to do and I rebel. I call her names and she yells at me. It’s almost like a mother and daughter relationship, but I rather not call us that. It’s not like we are that close anyways. It’s been twenty minutes and the nurse hasn’t arrived at the room yet.    What do I do?   I should wait…right?   Nope. I have no patience for waiting. I’m hungry so I should get it myself although the doctors tell me to rest. I’m tired of having rest when all I do is sleep and do nothing for five years. Five long years. I stand up from my seat, go to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, combed my hair, and washed my face. I have to look good if I’m going to a public cafeteria. I walked out of my room, looking left and right to see if Bora was there, and off I went to the cafeteria. Even before reaching there, the aroma filled the air with fresh pancakes.   Food seems to be my only friend here in this ginormous building filled with hundreds of patients. But as a sick patients amongst them, I must maintain my strict diet or things will fall apart and I will fall apart with a quick snap. I entered in the cafeteria, greeted by some staff members who can recognize me, but my name is a bit fuzzy in their minds. As a polite woman, I wave and greet back with a feigned smile. My usual routine for food was different which is probably why food excites me. It’s never the same. It’s never a routine. I’m lucky today. The cafeteria is usually busy with visitors of their loved ones, but it’s bit empty today. I walk up to the starting line and grabbed a tray. The aroma of food hit me and I am refreshed with a brand new smile plastered on my face. Even the lunch lady could tell how happy I was. To me, it was like a buffet. I grab whatever I can that can and will fit on the tray. Once my food intake is full, I take the tray and pick a seat somewhere. Usually I sit alone, staring at the window that binds me with a ray of sunshine.   I grab a chair at my usual spot and set my tray down. Smelling the aroma of the food and looking outside where the trees swayed and the flowers bloomed, reminded me of my parents and I. But they haven’t been at the hospital to visit me in years. I can only remember when they put me in this jailhouse.    “Yoona. You have to go here.”, My mother said as she crouched down beside me.   I tilt my head to the side as I held onto my father who gave her the same expression: Confusion.   “But mom. What are you talking about?”, I grab her wrist gently, only for her to yank it out of my grip. It hurt me, but I didn’t let it show. She didn’t like it when I let my emotions show or else it would show that I was weak. Weak as I already am. But she couldn’t face it. She wouldn’t.   “I’m leaving you with your father. Here in this hospital. You’ll be alright. There are kids here going through the same problems you have. There are staff people that can easily be your family and show you the way. I’m not needed. At all. Your father will be here too. Daily.Weekly. Monthly.”, My mother feigned a smile. I could tell how fake it was, but I pretended it was real for my own sake and my father’s sake.   “What about you? Will you visit?”, I asked innocently as I look away from her eyes that seem to imitate the vast night sky.   “I… I will try my best.”, Her voice cracked, but I knew it only dented her heart.    “Why are you leaving? What’s wrong with me? Are you okay?”, I asked in a blur of questions.   She shook her head, smiling like a fool. I hated that look on her, it only emitted lies from her. That’s all I saw in her that day.    “You are okay. You will be okay.”, Those are the only answers she would say to me when I asked her. Everytime.   My mother stood up, taking her eyes off me and onto my father. I was tense … so tense that I gripped my father’s hand until he scolded me to stop holding on so hard. I could sense fear in my father’s voice. It was the fear of losing a love. An unrequited love. My mother never really love my father, only for his money, his looks. He loved her like no other, he cherished her. At the point of being 26, he wanted to settle down and my mother was there. He proposed, and she accepted it for the money. They got a baby, which was me, and my father took most of his time to take care of me. I still loved my mother, but I did long for her love for awhile. It was too late. But now, she couldn’t take it anymore. She wasn’t in it for the money anymore, my mother wanted someone new and exciting.    My mother had the look of annoyance and repulsiveness after just glancing at my father. At that young age, I couldn’t understand her actions. I couldn’t understand why my mom hated my dad to that degree.    “Yuri. Please. Don’t leave your daughter without a mother.”, He begged.   This was the first time he begged in from of me. It was the first time they talked about this in front of me. It was the first time i heard that my mother hated me.   “I have to leave. It’s not my path to stay here with you. I’’ll send money weekly to support you, but I have to go.”, She replied coldly, rolling her eyes at him.   He sighed heavily, but this time he was gripping my hand. It hurt me. But I didn’t tell him because he shared the pain I was feeling. My mother smiled after she finished talking to us, and turned around heading toward the exit. I watch her heavily footsteps change into lighter, happier footsteps as if we were the burden of her life.   “MOM!”, I yelled out, making her stop in her tracks.   “You’re leaving because I’m different right? I’m sick so you don’t have the will to keep me alive. You don’t want me anymore. I’m useless after a while right?”, I screamed at her, making her jump out of her skins.   I wanted to wipe the smile off her face. It was like she was taunting me. My father picked me up, hugging me so he could suppress the pain I was experiencing. My tears fell from my face, hitting my father’s suit. I revealed my weakness. I was weak because my mother hated me and never loved me. It was too late to take back the words I said.   She hesitated for a second before turning around with that stupid smile on her face. The smile didn’t match her face though because for a second she showed her tears. Was it her emotions coming out now? Has she turned human? Has she realized the love of a family?   “I’m sorry. I can’t stay. You aren’t useless, but I can’t take care of you anymore.”,She replied with tears filling to the brim of her eyes, but the