Han Ah

Who is she?

The question that has been circulating my mind for the past two weeks since I saw the  ghost. She hasn’t appeared much since I encountered her. Maybe just twice or so when I manage to catch a glimpse of the snow fluttering gown she wore, but other than that, I had no idea where she went. I found it weird, quiet, confusing, eerie. Eerie because you would have think once a spirit has revealed itself to you it would appear more often. But it was like she went back to square one- as if our encounter were a figment of my imagination.

But what did progress was my relationship with Suho. During those two weeks I was around him a lot more-watching movies, going to bookstores, walking through the park. I feel like my interest was sparking into a kindling romance. He made me smile, he made me laugh, he made me wonder.

There was always a distant look in his eyes that I caught sometimes when we would spend the day at my house. Sometimes he would look at the doorway from the couch or space out at the counter when he would stand around and watch me cook. I feel like I was the cause of this. He started this all after I asked him that question but I didn’t think it would send him to go in such deep thoughts.

Thoughts.

My thoughts often wandered from the girl, to Suho, until I ended up at Kai. I sometimes catch glimpses of him from the window when he passes through the frame. Sometimes I caught him doing the same. We still haven’t spoken much since that night. We haven’t spoken at all actually. But his words rang loud in my ear as if he told me them just a moment ago. I still catch Kai hesitating at his window and tree branch before he moves back to his own and five minutes later i would hear the sound of his motorcycle starting up as the roaring engine faded down the soundless street.

I sighed, tilting my head back as the warm beads of water fell onto my face and ran down to the wet surface of the shower floor. I reached up to the shower rack and grabbed the shampoo, squeezing the gel into my hands and scrubbing it onto my scalp. I only been in the house for about two months- maybe less- and I could feel the weight of over thinking.

I shut out the inner thoughts of my mind and listened in on the outer sound of the trickling water around me as I cleansed my hair. I absentmindedly started humming a tune while I closed my eyes in tranquil peace.

There was a slight creak. The sound so small that I didn’t stop my action to pay attention to it. I just brushed it off as the wind blowing through a part of the house.  There was another creak, light but drawn out in step. This one caught my attention as I slowed down in scrubbing through my hair and began to focus on the location of the sound.

It happened again. Long but slightly louder. It was coming from the hallway I reasoned. I rinsed off my hands and stepped closer to the water to rinse out the bubbling soap from my hair.

Another step, the continuous sound sending a feeling of dread as my anxiety started to build. I hurried to rinse my hair, my body moved on my minds command to leave the room and go to another.

The step was closer, louder, shaking me down to the core. Soap fell into my eyes making me hiss at the sting.

The steps was near by the door now, moving once, twice, thrice... and it stopped.

Right in front of the bathroom door.

“Mom...Dad...” I called out scared, hesitant. The same reaction you would see in a film and feared like i was at this time what was going to happen next.

It was silent. The running water no longer tranquil but white noise now that faded into the background of his awareness as I tried to focus on the sound that I waited to come from the door.

I turned off the water, wiping the sliding droplets of water from my face and turned to step out of the shower stall. I quickly grabbed the one of the towels near me, one wrapped around my waist as I dried my wet locks that seemed to be only a burden to my body that wanted to leave out of the room. I had to stay calm. I knew I did. I was getting myself worked up on somethings that was possibly nothing to worry about before.

I paced to the fogged mirror, my hair finally free of the water’s hold and left only damped in a result of it. I moved my hand across the mirror, clearing a space unfogged for me to see my reflection. I looked slightly panicked with my black strings clinging the my moist forehead. I sighed, opening the mirror cupboard to grab my toothbrush and toothpaste. I closed the cupboard back, applying the toothpaste to my brush and begin to brush my teeth. I absentmindedly stared at my reflection before I caught my eye drifting to the corner of the mirror.

There was a figure that seemed to be there but because the mirror was still defogging, I didn’t know whether or not to address it so I kept brushing. But with each passing second I found my eyes wandering back to the corner of the mirror for some reason. I slowed down the of my cleaning as I narrowed my eyes to squint and focus. The figure seemed to still be there but now I could define colors.

Black and white.

The ghost. That was my first thought. I felt a small sense of relief that it was her who was there but at the same time... it scared me. Why was she in here with me? Was she the reason of the noises outside the door?

I wanted to speak and ask her but I couldn’t find the voice to. Instead I watched. Watched as the figure stood quietly with her tilted head, her black hair covering over her face.

“Hello?” I called out quietly. I kept my eyes on her through the mirror.

She didn’t respond. Not for the moment. I wasn’t sure if she even heard me speak because my voice was so quiet.

“Hello,” I said a bit louder, firmer.

The girl moved her head. Slowly she lifted her head, the dark strings on her face falling back across her face revealing the orbs of her eyes that pierced my own through the reflection, making me gasp, tremble, and sent me scrambling out the room without a second thought.

“So we’re going to church now?” I asked my parents as I watched the passing scenery from the car window. “I guess it’s something new to do if you want.”

“We’re just checking it out because my co-worker said we should come.” My mother said as my dad turned down the street. She had started to work at a clothing store recently so she would busy herself with something. “Who knows. Maybe you may like it.”

It wasn’t long until we arrived at the edifice. The tall christian building had the middle tower with a bell underneath and a cross on top of it. The cross seemed to pierce into the heavens looking up at it from the steps of the church. My parents entered first, my mom already spotting her co-worker in the rows of seats up front with my dad following behind.

It was a few minutes before the sermon were to begin I assumed, i just stood around the door watching people find their seats and chatting with one another.

I looked to the last seats, the one abandoned and less crowded with people where I could sit back and fade in the background quietly while time goes by. Then someone caught my eyes.

Kai was sitting in the far corner at the back row of the seats. His usual leather jacket was off and discarded on the spot besides him. His black shirt clung to his body, his legs crossed as his seemingly tired eyes stared blankly in a distance. I walked over to him. Don’t look at me like that... If you were me and you encountered someone like Kai in a situation like this, you would use the times to make something happen. But what was “something” I didn’t really know. I honestly just wanted to talk to him, know about him. Know more about something that is going on.

I walked over to him, sitting down close, but not too close to him. A fair distance near him that would get me noticed but not scare him off.

“What do you want?” He asked sparing me a small glance and turning his head back to the front. People were finalizing their seats as the pastor came out. My mom turned around to give me a look as if to confirm I was still in reasonable distance.

“I’m just sitting here,” I responded nonchalantly. “Maybe I wanted to talk to you.”

“About what?” Kai rested his elbow on the edge of the seat, leaning his chin onto his palm. The man pastor was starting to give his opening welcomes.

“You.” I stood up, following the actions of the others around me just as Kai did. “Or why you’re here. You didn’t seem like a person who would come to church.”

“You got to believe in someone if not something.” Kai said, keeping his eyes up front. “I come here whenever I need to clear some things off my mind.”

“Why not a confessional?” I asked.

Kai turned his head with a small upturn of the corner of his lips. “I’m not some sinner if that’s what you're applying.”

“No, not at all!” I denied quickly, covering my mouth and sitting back down as eyes casted back towards me. “I’m just saying you could go there to get things off your mind. Just to have someone to talk to when you need them.”

“I use to have someone like that.” Kai said solemnly.

“What happened? Did you guys fight or something?”

“She died.” Kai’s eyes hardened. “She was killed.”

“Turn your books to John 15 :13.” The sound of pages turning filled the air.

The words. So similar to what Suho once told me but instead he said she ‘left’. So this person... this girl. It was the same person, wasn’t it?

“What was the her name?” I found myself asking, silently anxious at getting more pieces to this puzzle that was thrown at me since I moved into my home.

“Han Ah.” Kai said.

Han Ah.

The ghost now had a name to me. A name I repeated to myself so that it was carved into my memory for later. I knew I couldn’t ask anymore about her from him. Not at this time at least. It was too early and right now it seemed that Kai needed someone himself.

“Well,” I spoke, reaching over to gently touch Kai’s arm in comfort. “I’m always next door if you need me. I’ll be there for you.”

Kai looked at me, his look first puzzled before it became masked with something else. Kai stood up, moving past me and down the aisle before I watched his back leave through the church doors.

I found myself laying on my bed that night. The dark seeping into the corners of my walls, retreading at points when the moonlight shone through. I held my phone in my hand texting Suho on how his day was going.

Suho: So church was fun?

Me: Fun... It was interesting.

Suho: How so?

I bit my lip as I debated whether or not to mention Kai to him.

Me: I learned something new while there. Isn’t it always interesting to learn something new?

Suho: Haha I guess. Good for you then

I paused for a moment before typing my next words.

Me: Your girlfriend... out of curiosity. What was her name?

There was a pause in the flow of his text.

Suho: Random

Me: Just curious

Suho: Han Ah. Kim Han Ah... she use to live in your home actually...

Something struck within me as I read the text. Flashes of the girl coming to my mind.

Suho: It seems like I just brought down the mood talking about her... haha my bad ^^;

I smiled, texting him a “not at all” I my mind once again became washing with thoughts once again.

Kim Han Ah.