Chapter 7

It’s Monday morning third period and I’m trying my best not to pay any attention to the smug look that seems to have permanently pasted itself on Han’s face lately as I unpack my stuff.

Our teacher is already sitting at her lab desk in the front of the class and waiting for us to settle down before she can start talking. The delighted look on her face tells me that I’m probably not going to like what she has to say.

“Okay class, settle down and stop what you’re doing.” She says and being the obedient pupils we are we do just as she says. She then claps her hands together, indicating that she’s happy with us and she looks down at a file in front of her on the table and starts flipping through it for a while as we sit in silence observing her.

“Well…” she sighs. “It looks like we’ve finished this terms curriculum ahead of time so as a reward for your good work I’m giving you a free period.” She finishes.

My worst nightmare.

Especially in this class.

What am I supposed to do four a full hour when the only person I can talk to is absent today and that leaves me with no other options but Han or Gitae.

“Look around you sweetheart.” I hear the familiar voice say from next to me. I can feel the vibrations of Han’s stool hitting the floor every time he leans back on it, causing two of its three legs to lift up into the air before crashing back down again with a loud thud- the severe sound of metal against concrete being muffled by the rubber placed beneath the metal rods of the stool as a safety precaution. Despite my desire to send a glare in his direction for daring to call me “Sweetheart” I maintain my cool and manage to avoid looking back at him and giving him the satisfaction of knowing that he’s caught my attention.

When I feel his lips against my ear I flinch as though burned by fire, frightened out of my reverie by the unsolicited action. I hear Han chortle at my reaction and I honestly can say that I hate him for that action alone if nothing else. He moves away from me but keeps the distance between us fairly small and I watch him cautiously from the corner of my eye. What is he up to now?

“Can’t you see how they look at you Liz?” I don’t know which is more unnerving; the way his breathe fans over the skin at the back of my ear or the fact that he just called me Liz instead of Liji. Liz is a name I left behind when I left my home land so why the hell is he calling me by a name I’ve never let anyone here know I was ever called by?

“What, you’re surprised?” he asks upon seeing my expression at the way he used my name. “Liji, Liji, Lizzy, Lizeka right? That’s what your actual name is. Not this Korean bull you’ve converted it to just to please them.” He says, hand gesturing across the room to my oblivious classmates who I can see passing glances at us because of what I’m sure is the very suggestive position we’re currently in- what with Han basically looming over me and whispering in my ear in what might appear to be a seductive manner considering his sneer and the suggestion of a relationship he left flying about in the air last Friday.   

I sit up straight in my chair- moving from a floppy position over my table, causing him do have to do the same. His position slightly behind me makes me feel like he has an advantage over me and I ask myself just when this thing between us turned into a game of cat and mouse.

With the way I can feel his eyes on the back of my head I undoubtedly feel like the mouse in this game but I certainly am not about to let him know that his behavior over the past week has left me feeling unnerved. He’s given me no answers to the questions I’ve asked him and every reason to believe that he has some hidden agenda in mind so my suspicious and slightly nervous attitude toward him is understandable… isn’t it?

Han pulls his chair in so that he’s sitting right next to me with our bodies so close that our arms look like they might be connected by glue beneath our short-sleeved school shirts. I look to the side in hopes of finding a way of escaping the contact but realize that if I move any further away from him I’ll surely fall off the table. What is this guy trying to do to me?

“What is your problem Han?!” Luckily, my whisper doesn’t seem to have carried across the class of buzzing students so none of them seem to pay any special attention to us. I turn my head so that I’m facing him only to see what a great mistake that is as his face is only inches away from mine.

This can’t be happening.

“I told you before. I’m not the one who has a problem with you. Just look around you and you’ll see Liz. You and I are the same. I’m not the one that has a problem with you Liz,” I watch his lips move as he repeats the same thing again and again to me. As always, his words seem to have an outlandish effect on me because as he says that last sentence, I finally see what he means as my eyes travel the classroom from corner to corner and I see those eyes again, this time they’re all glaring at me as if I’ve done something wrong.

What’s with all those bitter looks?
The question is answered by Han’s voice in my ear.

“They are the one who have a problem with you…”

And finally I get it.

***

Never before have I noticed it.

 Have I really been this blind all along?

 They way those eyes burn holes through me like I’m the scum of the earth… where does all that scorn come from?

“Do you see now Liz? Do you understand? I’m the only real friend you have here. I’m the only one who understands you. Look at my eyes.” Han’s hand grabs hold of my chin and pulls my face even closer towards his own, jerking me out of my own mind- where I had lost myself for a minute there.

“Look at my eyes Liz.” And that’s just what I do. In his eyes I see something that resemble the feeling I’ve been suppressing for such a long time that it feels like it never belonged to me to begin with. Why do I feel so lost when I look into his eyes? Why do I see a reflection of who I used to be?
Am I looking at an illusion or is this really me?

“Luhan, what are you doing?” I hear our science teacher say in a reprimanding manner and Han maintains his hold on my face for a second longer before blowing air into my eye and letting go with a bashful look on his face. He scratches the back of his head and looks down as if embarrassed.

“Liji just asked me to help her get something out of her eye.” he says and our teacher seems to accept that easily but continues to give us a suspicious look before returning to her novel. Although I can feel the all the looks directed at us and now hear the whispers coming from what once was a chattering group of students, I choose to ignore them in favour of looking at Han and his never ending mystery.

How can he smile in the face of so many judging eyes on him? How is it that he can just pretend that all those looks aren’t making him quiver inside like they are doing to me right now?

Why is it that I’m only now seeing that what once was a fairly happy illusion of acceptance in this country I’m forced to call my home now has been a lie all along?

I have no friends here. It’s all just been one big joke I’ve been playing on myself to feel like I belong. But I don’t.

Hyerin, Sungmin, and even Ludiarin… All of them, I can’t trust them. Not with the way they’ve all probably been looking at me all this time. And all this time I’ve been so blind to them… those looks. Those looks that can kill…

“You see what I mean?” Han’s voice plays in my ear again like a melancholy tune of a truth I’ve only now opened my eyes to see.

“I’m your only friend…”

***

 “What’s your problem?” I hear a voice calling from behind me and turn to find Sungmin prancing up to me. Despite her demanding tone, her outward appearance screams nothing but “friendly” and I start to question my earlier evaluation. Maybe I do have friends, but why do I suddenly feel like it all means nothing?

Has it ever meant anything to begin with? I mean, I came here having told myself that I would have to stand alone from now on, so why is it so important for me to feel like I’m part of something all of a sudden?

“You shouldn’t be hanging out with that guy, he’s bad news.” Sungmin grabs me by the hand and slowly intertwines our fingers after making her way to me. Physics is over and it’s break now, but wait a minute…

“Where have you been?” I demand of her before anything else. “I don’t remember seeing you in class today- were you bunking.” I ask her and we make out way to the cafeteria. I suppose I’m sitting with her today at lunch.

“I was doing a catch up test for my geography class. I missed an important test last week because I had to leave early.”

“Oh,” I say for lack of other words. I figure I should say something more though, to be more conversational and stuff. “Where did you go?”

“Doctor.”

“Are you sick?”

“Not anymore. So what’s the deal with you and Luhan?” She changes the topic so swiftly that I hardly have time to think up a fitting reply to that question.

“What deal?” Feigning ignorance never works- I know this, but I do it any way. She huffs dejectedly and I know what’s coming.

“You always act so cold and grumpy!” she whines, something I’ve grown used to that she does a lot around me. “Look,” she points at my forehead, “you even have wrinkles from the way you’re always frowning and pretending so just stop now!”

There are no words for how I feel about Korean people, I really don’t have a set opinion, but I can honestly say that regardless of what anyone says-yes, and that includes Han- I will always find Sungmin delightful- even when she’s whining about me while throwing insults all over the place.

I my hand moves unhappily to my forehead in attempts to flatten the alleged wrinkles that are there. Do I really have a constant frown on my face?

“I’m not always grumpy and frowning.” I say flatly, “You only say that because you hardly ever stop smiling. Not all of us can be like you.” At this, Sungmin playfully shoves me with her free hand while still holding onto my hand.

“I’m not always happy and smiling you know?!” she denies vehemently. I simply shake my head in dismissal. “Now tell me what’s up!” Why is it that this girl is always making such unreasonable demands?

“Nothing!” I say in a false-cherry sweet voice which gets her rolling her eyes at me.

“Liar! I heard you two had an intense session in physics just now so TELL!”

“Stop yelling, jeez!” Frustrated, I sit on the long bench attached to the table we usually sit at in the cafeteria. I see Hyerin sitting a few tables away and motion for her to come join us- which she does very bashfully. Sungmin takes a second to examine her as she sits down and then reverts her attention back to me without even a hello.

Okay, so maybe I was a bit too kind in saying that she gets along with anybody and everybody, it’s just that Sungmin can be a bit of a… brat sometimes, and that makes her look uncaring at times, like now. Hyerin utters a quiet “hello” and is ignored by Sungmin as she blocks my view of my friend and places herself between us. She wants all my attention for herself right now and she’ll get it no matter what… and with a smile too.

“Tell me please~” she decides to take the sweeter route to discovering the answer to her question and at the sight of her wide brown eyes and pouty pink lips, I cave.

“Fine, but get out of my face first!” I command and am happy enough when I can see Hyerin and her downcast eyes again as she munches on a piece of pork from whatever her lunch is. I’ll admit that it looks yummy, but nothing else after that.

I sigh…

“Han has been bothering me a lot lately.” I say and want to end it at that but Sungmin won’t have that. She raises her brow in indication for me to continue and I notice that even Hyerin is interested to hear what I have to say because she’s looking up at me eagerly so I figure it won’t hurt to tell.

“He seems to think that people have a problem with me and he’s the only one who could possibly be my true friend. I don’t know why but his attitude towards me lately has been freaking me out.”

“Do you think he likes you.” Hyerin’s soft voice joins in the conversation and my eyes shoot up at her. She isn’t making any form of eye contact with anything but the table- she’s too shy for her own good. Sungmin doesn’t seem to notice and goes on staring at me expectantly as though she had asked the question herself.

“When has Luhan ever liked a single soul that wasn’t his own, if he even has one?” The bitter voice I hear from behind me makes me turn to face an energetic Ludiarin coming at us with a tray in hand and her bags slipping off her one shoulder.

“Look whose back to her old self.” I say in a sarcastically happy tone that has her rolling her eyes at me as she places herself next to Hyerin at the table.

“Yah! Who invited you?” Sungmin and Ludiarin don’t gel. To me they represent the exact opposite of each other and so I usually spend time with them separately. It’s only reasonable that I wonder what the occasion is for Rin to willingly sit at the same table with Sungmin knowing how much she can’t stand her.

“Shut up Sungmin.” Rude as usual. I can’t believe how drastic the change is in Rin from when she’s her cute exhausted self, to when she’s this feisty dragon lady who doesn’t take from anyone. I nearly feel like jumping out of my own skin and running away when she sends me a menacing glare that tells a story of her annoyance with me.

“Didn’t I tell you not to get involved with Luhan?” her voice is calm, but the fire in her eyes tells me that I’m treading on volatile ground here. She seems genuinely upset now.

“I didn’t involve myself with him so much as he has chosen to involve himself with me!” I defend, and Sungmin only puffs out some air as she crosses her arms over her chest.

“So you tell her everything without hesitation?” she accuses me and I look to Hyerin for help only to receive and amused smile and a shrug.

“That’s hardly everything Sungmin-ah, and besides, there’s really nothing much to tell. He seems to be convinced that people have an issue with me- which I don’t get because I haven’t had any problems until now.” I say and look around the table to see if anyone has an opposing opinion. I can’t help but notice how quiet the table gets after my last statement and this makes me think that something is wrong.

“Do people have an issue with me?” I ask, now looking at each of them for answers but only finding their gazes fixed on other things, seemingly more interesting than I am at the moment.

“You guys are my friends right?” I ask, now feeling a slight panic rising within me. Had Han been right all along? Am I too blind to see what people really think of me? What do they really see when they look at me?

When nobody answers my question I find myself getting up and hastily make my way out of the large eating area and down to the sports fields. How can I have let myself be so stupid as to believe that I actually have friends here?!

They may not have said anything but the mere fact that they chose to keep quiet when they should have spoken… well that tells me everything I need to know.

Their silence said it all.

 Maybe Han is right after all.

*****

So as per request, I have decidec to make this chapt longer because I do realise that I've been giving you all quite short chapters from the start. 

My original plan was to flood you with many tiny chapts but since I won't be able to do that anymore, then I figured that I'd just make the chapts longer now.

Anywhoo, hope you enjoyed this chapt and stay tuned for all that is yet to come. 

Until next time <3