"All of us along the way, did any one of us get lost?"

- Wu Yifan, Time Boils the Rain

Aghh, I'm so sorry for the late update! To make up for it, this is my longest chapter yet. It's just that school started again, and I took a one week vacation so yeah, so sorry. Thank you for still waiting patiently! Now read one hehehehe.

“So how are you guys managing with EXOM’s leader, Kris, betrayal?”

Xiumin gritted his teeth at the question. Finally the question all the members have been waiting for had appeared. He hated how the interviewer worded the question, using the word “betrayal.”

The whole purpose for this meaningless interview was simple. Whatever questions about their Overdose promotions in the beginning were all polite questions, and finally the juicy questions that the whole world was dying to know had come up; how was EXO coping and what were their thoughts? To the lasting credit of this annoying, perky she-interviewer, she didn’t mention about Baekhyun and Taeyeon. Maybe, it was because even she thought asking that question would be an overload of information and would be considered totally greedy.

Turning his head to look at the camera again, Xiumin was ready for the first line of their “thoughts” on Kris’s departure. He got stuck with the ty line of fake optimism in the end, so it would be a while before all the members spilled their “opinions.” Of course, it wasn’t their real thoughts, hell, they were forbidden to say whatever that was in their mind about Kris’s betrayal, so why were they taking this pointless interview? To assure the world that they were doing fine. No, to assure Kris that they were doing fine, which they were closer than ever. With strict instructions from their manager hyung, everybody had memorized and practiced their less-than-ten-words phrases each, mastering their expressions and actions. For Xiumin, he needed to put up his infamous lopsided smile.

Their fake answers started when D.O told the interviewer that it was a surprise for all of them. Suho added that through this incident, they have worked harder than ever for their Overdose promotions. Chanyeol added that so far, there promotions are going fantastic. However, Kai added that the members were disappointed in Kris because he was irresponsible. One by one, his fellow members said their lines from the secret script, and then it went to Tao.

Xiumin couldn’t see Tao’s face, but he felt the mood shift. It was no secret that Tao was exceptionally close with Kris, and Xiumin could tell that the interviewer felt the same way when she leaned close, her eyes eager.

“In the end, Kris betrayed us. While the rest of us were practicing hard for EXO, he left… But,” their interviewer’s eyes were nearly popping out of her sockets, at Tao’s revelation. It wasn’t a secret that the first nine members answers were rather boring and kind of staged. And Tao’s was sincere and real, because he didn’t follow the script. He was supposed to say that EXO felt hurt, but as eleven they were able to overcome this. That was the highlight, and Xiumin was supposed to wrap this interview up as the oldest hyung, telling the interview that they were one as eleven and would continue to work hard for EXO.

“Yes… go on Tao-ssi!”

“But… it’s our own fault for not realizing what was happening. In the end, we are EXO as eleven.” There goes my line, Xiumin thought. He decided that this was a good time to cut it.

“We will continue to work hard as eleven members. EXO, we are one!” Xiumin inwardly cringed at his fake bright voice when saying their slogan. He scowled at Chanyeol who was miming a vomiting action at his side. The cameras stopped rolling, and the interview was stopped. The EXO members all dashed out of the set.

Everybody waited for their manager hyung to burst into their makeup room to and have a “talk” with Tao. To every body’s prediction, their manager hyung came, but once his eyes landed on Tao (who was looking ever so defiant), their hyung just sighed, motioning the members to get in the car. Tao was silent the whole entire time in the car, and honestly, Xiumin was proud of Tao.

“Hey Tao, what happened in there?” Baekhyun asked tentatively, once the door to their dorm was shut. Despite Baekhyun’s numerous imitations of Tao’s Korean and teasing on stage, he was actually quite close to Tao and took very good care of him.

“Nothing.” The tall boy answered flatly.

“It’s not nothing Tao. That was ing amazing, telling your true thoughts to Kris.” Chanyeol yapped excitedly, clapping Tao’s back. The younger boy flinched and his eyes gazed sadly at the floor.

“Yeah… I guess so.” Xiumin furrowed his eyebrows at Tao’s weak response. He made a mental note to talk to Tao later as he wandered towards the fridge. Taking out a can of coffee, Xiumin went into his room, closing the door. Jumping on his bed, Xiumin took out his phone; Xiumin grinned at the new text message from Kris. All this time, Kris had still kept in contact with Xiumin, and no longer did Xiumin doubt that Kris would ignore him like he did with the other members. They texted at least twice a day, and Xiumin was content with the low number of texts exchanged. He remembered the first phone call a couple of days before their first interview took place. It was rather short, but it gave Xiumin confidence. Kris still cared and he was making effort to stay in touch, but why only Xiumin was still a mystery to himself.

“Hello?” Xiumin’s heart thumped from hearing Kris’s voice. Who knew that hearing a voice that hasn’t been heard for months would bring an immense ache? Because this was the voice of somebody he missed so desperately, and then everything rushed into Xiumin’s core. His heart tightened, his throat closing up, and Xiumin couldn’t bear to say a word. To the lasting credit of Kris, he didn’t hang up. He waited patiently. Then Xiumin found his voice again. It shook.

“K-K-Kris… Hey… it’s me. Minseok.”

“Minseok-ah.” The way Kris said his name was something that Xiumin always liked. Kris said his name in a way that made it sound manly, which was good since Minseok could also be a girl’s name, and when he told Kris that, Kris had promised Xiumin he would always call Xiumin by his real name jokingly. That was why in EXO Showtime; Kris always had called him by his real name.

“*Duibuqi.” Xiumin spoke softly in Chinese.

“No. I’m sorry.” Kris replied back immediately. There was a short silence following that statement and Xiumin sighed.

“You’re not like going to never contact me again after this phone call right?” Xiumin asked with a hint of sarcasm.

“No. Why would you think that?” Kris shot back with full sarcasm.

Another silence followed, but this time it was no longer uncomfortable or awkward.

“I…I missed you Yifan. T-t-the other members, they all miss you too. Especially Tao. He…he tries not to show it, and, and, and like we all miss you so, so, so much.” Xiumin started to ramble. Xiumin went on about how much he missed Yifan, mentioning about his artwork that Xiumin still kept, and that he could always hear Lay watching youtube videos of EXO as 12. Xiumin then went on about how Luhan read blogs and forums about his departure, and how Baekhyun still bought Twixes when he went grocery shopping. Xiumin told Yifan about how Suho didn’t take down the huge picture of EXO as 12 members in his room, and how Tao listened to the songs that Kris wrote every night. How Sehun still checked his Instagram to see if he was still following the EXO members, and how Kai and Kyungsoo would scroll through this phone camera rolls, where they still kept pictures of Kris. Xiumin choked when he went on about how Chen would still practice the English work sheets that he had made for him and how Luhan would still joke about wanting him for basketball when they all knew that Luhan only wanted him because of his height. Lastly Xiumin told Kris that every time he went to his room, he would always stare at Growl, the life size dog plush toy that Kris had bought and left behind.

Xiumin didn’t know that by the time his huge rambling was finished, he was tearing up. Just a few fat drops of salty water had managed to squeeze past his round eyes and were streaming down his face. Xiumin gulped, giving a nervous chuckle after he had finished speaking. Yifan still didn’t speak.

“I…I-I-I-I’m so sorry.” With that Yifan hanged up the phone.

Xiumin was left with a bigger hole in his heart. At that time, Xiumin thought that his heart would burst from the throbbing ache. Calling and hearing Yifan’s voice didn’t help him at all; it only made things worse, with Xiumin missing Yifan more and more. When he was about to throw away his phone in anger, a text message from Yifan came.

“I’m sorry. Don’t cut me off.”

Yifan had asked Xiumin to not cut him off, like he had done with the rest of the members. Wiping away his angry tears, Xiumin stared at his phone before sending a quick reply.

“I never will. We should call again sometime soon. I miss you.”

The reply was immediate. When he read the short message, Xiumin felt his heart clench again. He felt hot, but this was all the proof he needed for himself. Kris, no, Yifan felt the same pains as he did. Maybe, not exactly the same but close enough.

“I miss you too.”

“Hey, let’s call in ten minutes?” Xiumin’s reply was a quick yes. Staring at his single word answer, Xiumin was battling his inner thoughts. One part of him wanted to tell the members everything he’d found out about Kris, the journal, the texts and calls exchanged, but the other severe part of him wanted to keep Kris for himself. As in not telling the members that Kris didn’t cut them all off, he still managed to keep with one. But his latter demon always won out in the way. Xiumin figured that if he told the members, there would be questions asked about why Kris had cut off all contact with the other ten members except Xiumin, which would lead to more anger at Kris.

The other reasoning was that the members weren’t ready for Kris, just like how Xiumin wasn’t ready to know the true reason why Kris had left. Xiumin had read all the English and Korean entries, but the majority of the entries were written in Chinese, and he hadn’t had the time to go through and translate all the Chinese characters. This was when Xiumin felt the weakest, thus wanting to tell the members, but if Xiumin himself didn’t know why Kris had only contacted him, he was sure that the other members would be less understanding. It just didn’t make sense.

Seeing that the ten minutes were nearly up, Xiumin pressed Kris’s secret number. His hand trembled as he waited for Kris to pick up. The seconds ticked by and what felt like eternity, Xiumin heard the click, and they were connected. Holding his breath, he waited for Kris to say the first word. His heart swelled when Kris said his name as a greeting.

“Minseok-ah…”

“Sup Koala!” When there was no answer from the other side, Xiumin wondered if that was the wrong thing to say. Koala. That was Kris’s nickname during their debut and trainee days.

“Sorry…I was just thinking of the old days.” Came the hasty reply.

“You mean the old days as EXO before you left or…?” Chuckling, Xiumin retorted at the weak response and it didn’t take long for the Canadian to shot back a reply.

“Not cool man. No, I meant our trainee days and when we used to do everything together as one. You know how long it’s been since somebody called me koala.”

“Yeah, I get what you mean.”

Xiumin stared at the empty space. It felt good to talk to Kris as if nothing was wrong. As if he hadn’t betrayed them, as if he was there with them right now. But it wasn’t. That was a lie. Kris had left EXO in the worst possible way, and he wasn’t even close to being with them. Hell, Xiumin didn’t even know where Kris was. And hearing the news that his manager hyung brought, Kris wasn’t even in Asia. He was in Europe filming for a new movie apparently. Now that hurt. But what was real that Kris had called Xiumin again, and he sounded genuine in everything.

There was just that one nagging thought in Xiumin’s head. Kris had said he missed their trainee days. This was a subject that most of the EXO members briefly talked about if mentioned at all. The reason was because when a member recalled some kind of memory, the rest of the members would bathe in the bittersweet memory before realizing that things weren’t the same now. They weren’t as close as they were in their trainee days. They have grown apart, and it wasn’t hard to see and feel it.

How long has it been for Xiumin to have a lunch alone with Sehun, Kai and Chanyeol? How long has it been since for Xiumin to spend his free time other than Luhan, Chen, Lay and Kyungsoo? Back in their trainee days, everybody did everything together. Whether it was the lack of money that they needed lots of people to pay for food, or the fact that everybody was together constantly, or that they were always training together; EXO was in fact, together as one in their debut than now. With the money came separation, and especially with EXOM and EXOK split up most of the times, it was inevitable that friendships had died down.

Just how Chen and Baekhyun were the best of friends, the duo made sure with their loud voices that nobody in the dorm would have peace, which brought along laughter and happiness to the rest of the members. However, after their debut, Chen and Baekhyun were separated, thus their friendship grew apart. With distance came walls between relationships and the perfect relationship of Chen and Baekhyun was a perfect example. Thus, Baekhyun had become undeniably closer to Chanyeol while Chen became super close with Xiumin himself, and the rest of the other members. However, Xiumin hoped that even with distance and Kris out of EXO, they would still become close. After all, four years is rather a lot to forget and move on.

Shaking his head from these thoughts that no EXO member actually said out loud, Xiumin removed himself from his room. Seeing the scattered members in groups of twos and threes, Xiumin felt Kris’s words echoing in his head. I miss the days when we used to chip in *two thousand wons each and buy deokbokki and coke. I miss how we used to all hang out in the tiny dorm room, fighting for space to sit on the couch when we would watch the tiny television. Xiumin sighed. He missed those days too, seeing how interactive everybody was with each other.

Tao, Sehun and Kai were at the table talking about how kungfu, karate, and taekwondo differed from each other, while Baekhyun, Suho, Lay were watching television. On the other end of the couch Chanyeol was deeply engrossed in a book, and Xiumin looked around the room to find his two best friends. Hating the feeling of how uncomfortable Xiumin felt of approaching the other members without his two closest friends beside him, Xiumin understood Kris in that moment. How much he longed for the days when everybody was comfortable with each other. How none of them were left out, and how they were so much of a family.

EXO was falling apart, the ironically it was Kris’s departure that made EXO closer again. But not as close they were back in their trainee days.

“Xiumin, let’s go and eat dinner!” Xiumin jumped from the sudden clap on his back, and he turned around, grinning at his best friend, Luhan. The delicious scent of bulgogi and fried rice was enough to Xiumin abandon his dreary thoughts.

Staring at the empty plates, Xiumin tried to listen to the conversation Suho, Chen, Luhan and Lay were engaging. They were discussing about EXO’s fanclub number decreasing rapidly from third to ninth place in less than three days. No doubt the news of Kris leaving and Baekhyun and Taeyeon sunbaenim had seriously taken a toll on the fandom.

“From third place to ninth. Ninth place guys. ing ninth place.” Luhan swore, staring at his phone screen.

“I actually foresaw this.” Chen added cheekily, looking indifferent to Suho and Luhan’s explosive reactions to the news.

“C’mon our fans will come around, and more importantly, there are new fans joining everyday. It should be alright.” Lay comforted the leader and the deer.

“This . First Kris, then Baekhyun.” Suho sighed, shaking his head disappointedly.

Xiumin felt the pang in his heart, as he looked around EXO’s living room. There was nobody. Everybody had gone out in their own groups for dinner, leaving only the five left in the dorm. What did Kris say? He said that he was happy at that time. Maybe, was this the reason why Kris left? No… it couldn’t be. Kris was friends’ with everybody. All the members loved Kris and heck, even adored him. He was the popular member, the member that everybody wanted to spend time with.

            “As I was saying, this isn’t the actual thing guys!”

            “This is just people with wifi and social networking sites; we have more fans than this and people know it. These are just numbers trying to rank us hyung.”

            Xiumin didn’t know what controlled him to interrupt this heated conversation, “I miss our trainee days.”

            The table grew silent, and it was Suho who gave an awkward chuckle that broke the ice, “Erm, yeah but what does that have to do with our fanclub members decreasing?”

            “Nothing, I guess.”

            “Minseok-ah, we all miss the days when we weren’t popular enough to even have a fanclub; we miss the days of being free and unknown.” The typical good guy Luhan was, covering for Xiumin’s awkward thought. Nodding in agreement, Xiumin faded back out of the conversation as he dwelt in his memories.

Yawning, Xiumin rubbed his swollen morning eyes before checking his clock beside him. Way too early. It was at least another hour before he had to get up. However, Xiumin was a diligent guy, and getting up, Xiumin pulled out the journal he kept underneath the mattress. Kris’s sacred journal. He had skimmed the journal, and read all of the English entries, but he couldn’t bear to read the Chinese entries after he read the first few. Until now. Yesterday, Xiumin felt like he deserved to know; after all, Kris owed it to Xiumin. Skimming through the pages once more, Xiumin stopped at a certain page that was thicker than the rest.

            A paper slipped out. Xiumin’s heart stopped as he read the small paper. It was a medical paper, or a medical official paper that stated the bills. His hands shook, and Xiumin couldn’t stop the creeping feeling of nausea that threatened to overcome him.

            It all made sense. Kris. Kris’s mother. Leaving EXO. Canada. China.

            Kris’s mom was sick, and it was Kris who paid everything for the enourmous bill.

            I’m sorry Yifan. I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I didn’t know. 

Author's Note:

To be honest, I don't know if I want to continue this story, because I have had like the most amazing story idea and I really want to start writing that idea so I'm not sure... Also, I can't update fast because of life *sobs* but I'll try to update at least once a week? 

Okay, so apparently there are rumours of Baekhyun getting wandang (which is technically bullied) in EXO, and that Kris left because of a heart problem? Is this true cause I think it's bull.

Also, I use the name Xiumin when writing about Xiumin as a narrative because that is his EXO name. But when in situations that the other person call Xiumin, I use his real name because a) they use his real name or b) Minseok is like Xiumin's real self. Also, I use Kris's name because that was his name when he was in EXO, and Xiumin still considers him as part of EXO. But when Xiumin uses Yifan, it's showing Kris's other side (maybe his true one?) just like how it's like for Xiumin/Miseok. Also, other names like Joonmyeon, Jongdae, Yixing, Zitao, and Kyungsoo are used when in dialect situations, but in Xiumin's mind, he uses their real name when he's feeling raw. If this doesn't make sense, then you can skip this horrible explanation. 

*Duibuqi (chinese): Sorry 

*Two thousand Wons (Korean): One thousand won is equivalent to one dollar (USD) more or less.