"Clouds rolling up and down in summer"

- Wu Yifan, Time Boils the Rain 

Groaning at the firm hands of Chanyeol massaging his shoulders, Xiumin was grateful for the maknae’s of EXO and their thoughtfulness. Maybe, it was the fact that their first Overdose comeback stage without Kris was this upcoming Wednesday, but the maknaes of EXO (which was Chanyeol, Kyungsoo, Tao, Kai and Sehun) had decided to give the elders of EXO a well-deserved massage. Lucky Chen was bumped up into the elder line, filling Kris’s absence. Xiumin couldn’t help himself, but ever since the news with Kris’s departure, Xiumin felt older. It didn’t help that before his fellow members would frequently joke about him being half fifty, but that thought scared Xiumin.

Everybody was getting older, but even if their faces and bodies showed no sign of age, Xiumin felt it in his heart and mind. This only made his thoughts think about the “future”, which he’d been thinking about lately. EXO’s future. His own future. Kris’s future. Every schedule and appointment was canceled after his or her first concert. EXO had been given only one task and that was to practice being EXO without Kris. Being EXO as 11. In such his cases, EXO’s manager had even come up to them and everybody with weibo, instagram, twitter etc. were made sure that they unfollowed Kris. It was a subtle but firm first action of the EXO members and their response to the lawsuit. Xiumin was one of the few people who had instagram, and he rarely used it but that didn’t stop him from pausing to touch Kris’s account with the following button soon changing to an unfollow. He didn’t fail to notice others like Sehun and Chanyeol pressing the unfollow button easily.

The whole world wanted to know what the EXO members personally thought of this “incident” and Xiumin was there when his fellow members whined to Suho about the cancellations of their interviews. It was childish, but Xiumin wanted to express his opinions also. All they needed was to attend on interview and thousands of responses and articles would soon follow suit. However, this was not an option, so the members including Xiumin had to stay put and only get few information from begging their manager to death. Even Suho wasn’t updated frequently about Kris and the lawsuit. Which only confirmed the suspicions of EXO that SM Entertainment didn’t even have a chance to win the lawsuit. This meant that something must’ve happened to Kris that was rightfully wrong. But Xiumin didn’t know if his fellow members had thought this far.

Sometimes, Xiumin desperately wanted to tell anybody that he had contacted Kris. Well, Kris had contacted him with the shortest message ever, but it was enough to make himself believe that Kris didn’t leave them out of cold blood- that he was willing to stay in touch. But that didn’t explain why only Xiumin was the one he ever replied to, and the only conclusion Xiumin could think was that he looked deep enough for another way to contact Kris. Of course, the other members tried various messages including Kris’s email when he was twelve years old, sending letters to Kris’s Canadian address and his mom’s current Chinese address, his private weibo account and his facebook. No replies. Nothing. Only the two word text sent to Xiumin only was the sole proof that Kris still cared.

Xiumin didn’t reply back. He was scared and he wanted some solid information to notify or interrogate Kris when he actually contacted with Kris. Also, he didn’t have any guarantee that Kris would reply back, but the text itself was a neutral agreement sign that Kris was willing to communicate. Or else why would Kris bother sending two tiny words of good luck for the concert? It had to mean he cared. No, it must be mean he cared. Xiumin wished that he read the message before the concert, because if he’d read at that time, Xiumin knew he would’ve had the careless courage to call Kris right at that moment. Now that confidence was gone, and Xiumin was left with this mental game with Kris, of trying to find the right thing to say to Kris.

He was going to tell Luhan, except that Luhan had completely ruined his confidence when he tried to steer the conversation towards Kris.

“Doesn’t this watch look nice?” Luhan pointed at the new models showing up in his phone screen.

“You have tons of watches. You don’t need a new one.” Xiumin said without looking at the watch at all.

“Oh come on! This is the perfect time to have distractions, and for me that is my friend, browsing the glorious watches I can totally afford.”

“The only distraction I wish is if some hot lady became my girlfriend. Otherwise, I’m stuck with Kris in my mind for ninety-nine percent of the time.”

“Minseok. If Kris really thought of us as brothers, then he would’ve told us about him leaving EXO first. Then we could’ve done damage control, and all of us would’ve somehow understood his feelings and his intentions for his future better than the state we’re in now. Even if we reacted negatively, at least we would know about this whole thing and heck, maybe even support him.” Luhan argued, not taking his eyes off from the screen.

“…”

“So what do you think about these watches?” Xiumin could only sigh.

So Xiumin was stuck. It had been a week and a half after the concert already. He couldn’t just text with a simple “Sup bro, where have you been? EXO misses you, hope you win the lawsuit XOXO, Minseok.” Besides, Xiumin wanted a reply back. He didn’t want to make Kris think he had made a mistake in contacting Xiumin out of all the EXO members.

“Hyung, I’m pretty good at massages right?” Chanyeol asked, his fists now pounding on Xiumin’s back.

“You’re better than I thought.”

“HA! You hear that Kai?! You owe me five bucks.” Chanyeol yelled over to Kai who was massaging Lay. Xiumin smirked at the scowling face of Kai.

“Hey Xiumin.”

“Yeah, Chen?”

“What are you going to do about Kris’s things in your room?”

Oh . Xiumin forgot about Kris’s ghost of belongings that was still haunting his room. It wasn’t like he wanted to throw Kris’s things in the garbage, but he didn’t want to have those things still in his room, reminding him of Kris.

“I don’t know. What should I do?” Xiumin asked the members.

“Burn it.” Everybody stared at Baekhyun.

“Gosh, I’m just joking. Can’t you take a joke guys?” Everybody cracked a smile when Baekhyun gave a girly scream when Kyungsoo gave a rather particular squeeze in the shoulders at his comment.

“Donate it. He still has some clothes around doesn’t he?” Suho suggested.

Xiumin shrugged. He would donate the clothes if there wasn’t a better option.

“Say… Why don’t we auction it off on ebay, and gosh we can probably get over a million dollars for one article of real authentic Wu Yifan’s clothing that he actually wore!” Chen blurted. Kai started whistling. That wasn’t a bad idea. They would get a ton of money.

“We could get in trouble, if our manager hyung found out.” Lay said frowning.

“Oh come one! Just one piece of clothing then! Just a piece of clothing that he wore that was captured in pictures, and bam! Sell that on ebay and we could get probably over one million dollars.” Chen begged. Suho didn’t look too hot on the idea, but with Chanyeol nodding his head vigourously to Chen’s idea, and Baekhyun, Kyungsoo, Kai and Luhan cheering Chen on, Suho looked like he was swayed.

“Hey Chen. You want to bet on that?” Sehun challenged.

“It’s hyung you brat. But dude. You’re one!” Xiumin grinned, now this was interesting. A silence followed, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. It was the silence that everybody was just soaking up the happiness inside the room. It was the first comfortable silence in a while.

“He’s really gone, if we’re joking like nothing is wrong about selling his clothes, huh?” Kyungsoo quietly spoke. To everybody’s surprise it was Tao who replied with a tight smile.

“So what? He made us closer that’s for sure.”

Looking at the number of clothes that Kris had still left behind, Xiumin didn’t know if he could do this all by himself. It was decided. Xiumin as the oldest hyung of EXO would have his own room, and for somebody like Xiumin, this was something he had always wanted. But he would miss sharing a room with someone. He would miss having those rare nights where he would pour out his soul to his roommate, getting into the deepest conversations ever. But his room was always open to a member who wanted to sleep over.

After Chen, Chanyeol and Kai had picked up the clothing they wanted to sell, Xiumin had closed the door. He wanted to organize through Kris’s things by himself, alone. Rejecting the help of Luhan, Suho, Kyungsoo and Tao, Xiumin had carefully explained it was because after clearing Kris’s stuff away, he needed his space to clean and reorganize his room, and having other people in his room would just distract him. Everybody had dispersed after that. Xiumin was a beast when it came to organization and cleaning. That was probably the main reason why the members wanted to be roomies with him since Kris was gone. The real reason was clear though. Xiumin wanted to dig through Kris’s belongings in peace, to see if there was another mark Kris left of his unhappiness in EXO. Anything. Maybe, a note or a picture that suggested Kris’s pain. Also, it was because Xiumin felt like he should clear Kris’s stuff away, and not with the members who just wanted Kris’s belongings gone. For some reason, Xiumin felt like he had to protect Kris’s presence.

The members wanted Kris’s belongings to be donated. But Xiumin had other plans. He was going to send a reply back to Kris’s text after he shipped all of Kris’s belongings back to him. Maybe to his Canadian address, or even his Chinese one. Xiumin hadn’t decided yet. Or better yet, he would send a text asking Kris if he wanted his belongings shipped back in which home. That would be a guarantee that a reply would come. Kris was known for keeping his belongings in tidy shape, meaning that he cared for his possessions a lot.

Dumping out the remaining clothes from him and Kris’s wardrobe, Xiumin organized the clothes into categories. Pants, tops, and other. Folding the clothes into neat piles, Xiumin stacked them up inside the boxes. The clothes were the easy part. The hard part was to sort through Kris’s other belongings.

Carefully peeling off Kris’s drawings off the wall, Xiumin put them into a neat pile. But that didn’t stop him from pausing every now and then to actually take a good look at the drawings. Kris was a talented drawer. Art wasn’t supposed to look nice. It was supposed to make you feel something, and Kris definitely drew things that made Xiumin feel something. In the end, he kept several of Kris’s drawings. Kris had even drew the member’s face into big bubble heads, and Xiumin had contemplated in putting the drawing back to the pile where it would be sent to Kris or keeping it for himself. In the end, Xiumin put it back in the box with the other artwork.

Next was Kris’s fan mail and presents the fans gave him, which were mostly stuffed animals. Xiumin put all the mail into the box without a second glance. Same with the stuffies. Kris’s fans gave them to Kris, and to Kris they belonged. Kris shouldn’t have easily left the fan’s gifts that had their hearts and sincerity in them. Gathering some leftover books of Kris, Xiumin flipped through the pages. Most of the books were in Chinese. He put all of them in the box.

Everything was pretty much cleared. He only needed to go through Kris’s junk drawer, which was a nightmare, but other than Xiumin was finished. Finished putting everything that was Kris’s away. Finished wiping the remainders of Kris from the EXO dorm.

He tackled the junk drawer. Inside were junks of erasers, broken pencils, multiple pens without caps, some bunched up paper, marbles, candy wrappers, remainders of events he went to like tickets to special places, beer and soda cans, some EXO pictures of himself and it was a mess. Xiumin decided that the junk drawer had nothing worth saving. He dumped everything into the garbage. How wrong was he.

A thump was heard in the garbage can. Xiumin peered into the garbage can and immediately snatched the newfound treasure of his discovery. A notebook. Not a big one but those hand sized notebook that were sold for two bucks at the stationary stores. This had to be it. A book full of Kris’s inner turmoil and thoughts. The answer to Kris’s departure. Xiumin gulped. He didn’t want to find out. His hands shook as the held the notebook closer to his vision. It was fairly in clean shape but the pages of the book were curled as if they were read many times. Xiumin scowled at himself. Why was his heart shaking so badly? It’s not like this was some kind of Tom Riddle’s diary from Harry Potter.

Xiumin mustered his courage and confidence. He flipped to the first page. His heart dropped. It was a picture of EXO. This was Kris’s birthday party. Kris himself was standing in the middle of the picture happily with a stupid party hat perched on his head. Beside him was Xiumin and Chanyeol, and the rest of the EXO members gathered in various positions around the huge cake. The fact that this picture was taken only months before Kris’s departure was a punch to Xiumin’s lungs. Was Kris planning to betray them even on the day where they celebrated Kris’s 24^th birthday? How long was he planning this? Since he debuted in EXO? No. It couldn’t be.

The cowardice in Xiumin faded and was replaced with sheer anger. He went to the next page. Damn it. Kris’s messy handwriting was written in a language Xiumin still haven’t mastered at. Chinese. Taking out his phone and translator, Xiumin spent the next hour translating the page. He didn’t want to read Kris’s other thoughts after he’d read the very first thought that made Kris unhappy in EXO. After the painful translating session where his thumb ached and his neck making a cracking sound, Xiumin was done.

            2013.09.14

Today I called my mom. It’s been a while and for that I’m guilty. But all my guilt melted away when I heard her voice. She’s my favourite person in the world and there’s a reason for that. She didn’t ask me why I didn’t call her. She just asked how I was doing, and if her little boy was doing alright. She wanted to know every little details about my life, and if I had a girlfriend. Not once did she have a tone that suggested she was mad at me for rarely calling. It’s like my trainee days. I didn’t call her because if I called her, I would miss her, and probably fly to China, now that I have the money. I’ve been missing her a lot lately. I’ve been missing everything lately. Nothing feels right now. I feel like I’m missing something in my life, no, I feel like I’m not living my life. Maybe, it’s the fact that today I asked the manager hyung if I could sing, but he told me off that I had to stick with rapping. I don’t want to rap anymore. It sounds toneless and I know I can do better. I don’t get how Sehun or Minseok handles with their less than a phrase solos of soulless rapping. I’m probably overreacting right? Gosh, I miss my mom. It’s probably homesickness, but it’s been a while since I’ve even spoken Chinese. Even Tao won’t speak Chinese with me, since he’s so bent on improving his Korean. I guess I have to resort in English no

I asked my mom how she was doing. Her tone sounded happy. She said that she was seeing someone new. That’s good to hear. My mom deserves somebody that can make her happy. Hopefully it’s not like those bastards she dated in the past. But then her tone changed. She sounded stressed. She said that my stepfather had called again, asking for money. I’m worried. She doesn’t need to deal with his , especially with how he treated us in the past. I told my mom I would send her more money so that she can get some proper security. The thing is that when I asked my manager hyung when the new EXO paycheck was due, he didn’t answer me, I-

Xiumin slammed the notebook shut. Xiumin shivered. It was a common fact in EXO that Kris was super close with his mom, and of course, everybody knew either from common sense or Kris himself or even the rumors in SM in their trainee days that Kris’s mom was divorced. That his mom was a single mom. He didn’t know that there was some crazy ex-stepfather that was begging Kris’s mom for money. No wonder why Kris checked upon his mom so often. Which was more alarming that Kris mentioned in his notebook that he didn’t call her lately because he didn’t want to miss her more than he needed to.

Flipping to another page in the notebook, Xiumin frowned. This was in English. He read the first few sentences before slamming the notebook shut. He felt dirty for invading Kris’s personal thoughts. This notebook couldn’t be found, because it had the power to change the course of the lawsuit. Then it was as if lightning struck Xiumin. He knew what he had to do. Grabbing his phone, and pressing the unknown number, Xiumin had a moment of panic. What if Kris didn’t reply? What if his thoughts were wrong? Putting all thoughts aside, Xiumin knew what he had to do.

He typed the two sentences. We need to talk. But first, what address do you want me to ship back your old things?  He pressed send.

Xiumin closed the notebook. Climbing onto his bed, Xiumin closed his eyes, his mind echoing the English sentences he’d read in a random page of Kris’s inner thoughts.

How dare they treat me like this? How dare they keep this from me? I knew SM Entertainment was a ty corrupt company but I never knew they would go this far… I can’t do this anymore. I feel trapped. It’s only EXO that keeps me sane…

Author's Note:

Haaa, some humor in angst?? Well, I tried. 

I don't know if Kris's family still lives in Canada or in China? Any ideas? Hmmmm...

And it how all the EXO members unfollowed Kris on instagram, but Kris still followes them like awww Kris... I wonder if he's trying to be in EXO-L also... that'll be hilarious.

I like totally copied Kris's relationship with his mom from Percy Jackson and his mom. hehehe, I love Percy Jackson. AND I EVEN USED THE INFAMOUS QUOTE FROM ELEANOR AND PARK, man I love books.

Enough babbling now.

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