[CONTENTID2] Chasing the Impossible [/CONTENTID2][CONTENTID1]Luhan wouldn’t have noticed the change in him. It was so subtle and so sneaky that it had taken a long time and another person’s remark and comment to make him realize that, in fact, somewhere he had lost himself.

“Why do you always ask about Minseok?”

The question would linger whenever he was told to hang out and, for some strange reason, his first question would be whether Minseok would be there. Through the past short weeks, Luhan’s plans had started to revolve around the brunette and if they weren’t, then they were cancelled. It weren’t just a couple times that he had made up some kind of an excuse as to ditch Sehun and Baekhyun and, honestly, the past days his excuses had been the same since he was at a serious lack of any more.

But there was something that tugged Luhan’s curiosity and whenever he would actually hang out with the others and Minseok would be there, he would practically run and he would be there before the scheduled time. The extra time it took him in front of the mirror was also a change and he would often have his mother walk on him with a questioning look. And he would also make sure his clothes were clean and without wrinkles, and his hair brushed and styled before he made his long way to the usual café they would go to.

However, this had started out as something he did unconsciously until it became something Sehun noticed and the blonde was not even one to be this observant. Luckily, Baekhyun had not mentioned anything yet and it brought some kind of relief in Luhan, because he knew the moment the brunette noticed, he would be surely teased if not blackmailed.

He was sure he had everything under control until the clock midnight and the music above his head did not stop and his drink was already finished, and it was the third time they had started the card game all over again. He thought he had everything on reign until he noticed, that in fact, Minseok had not stepped foot in the café for hours. Bringing his phone out, he touched the screen and his Facebook page popped up, and his eyes fell on the people currently on. Because he might or might not have been checking if Minseok was home and online.

“Wasn’t Minseok supposed to join us tonight?” He looked from his cell phone only to find two pair of eyes staring at him slightly wide and he wondered if he had said something wrong. He hadn’t, had he? It was subtle and the question was a natural wonder, why were they looking at him like he had just said something so obvious that even if he broke his head, he would be unable to see it?

“He couldn’t make it,” Baekhyun replied and Luhan frowned slightly.

“But you told me he would come,” He wasn’t that of an idiot; he might forget things but that, he was sure of. He and Baekhyun had talked on chat and after his usual question of Will Minseok come? Baekhyun had said yes. And now, he said he couldn’t come?

“I lied,” Baekhyun’s reply was more of a shock than anything else and that somehow scared Luhan. He felt like a fool, but it wasn’t because Baekhyun had lied to him—no, Luhan could always look past lies because he didn’t mind them much. But to know that Baekhyun had noticed... It opened a new chapter and he knew that whatever came after this, it would be plainly him defending something he held dear for some reason he didn’t even know himself. “You always ask about him. What’s up with that?”

Luhan clenched his jaws together, a quick glance at Sehun and he was met with an equally curious stare—though, it also held some kind of… pity? He opened his mouth but he closed it back, not having anything to say and not wanting to gape like some koi fish either. Somehow, he had no words to share, not even something to defend himself with because, frankly, he didn’t know how to. He would take a sip of his drink just to ease the uncomfortable feeling of being cornered like this, but he had no more beer to drink it away.

And he was left to blurt something that was a weak attempt of self-defense.

“I don’t always ask about him.”

“Actually, you do,” Sehun noted and Baekhyun glanced at him before staring at Luhan with judging eyes.

“You always check whether he will join us or not. And if he does not, you always use an excuse. By the way, your excuses have become too predictable and are over-used.”

Luhan pursed his lips into a thin line, unsure of how to save himself from drowning in this, almost too pressured to give a proper reply. And for once, when his cell phone rang, he thanked heavens he did not believe in and Gods he still suspected. Excusing himself with a fake apologetic smile, he answered it and for once, he kept quiet as his mother expressed worries and whatnot about where he was and what time it was and how dark it would be when he took his way back home. And for once, he reassured her that he would be home soon and grabbed the opportunity as it was, paying and escaping from questions he was trying to avoid.

It was that night, however, that his mind wandered off as he walked, going back and forth about his subconscious motives and what exactly he was checking when he stood in front of the mirror every night before meeting up with the trio.

**

He couldn’t understand his actions either.

Monday came and Tuesday left and as the rest days passed, Luhan tried to understand himself. There was something about the way he reacted when Minseok was around; how he would watch out his facial expressions when laughing just to appear charismatic, how he would try to jump ahead and grab a seat by Minseok on the bench drown in shade during breaks, how he would keep a straight posture and how his hands had become graceful in their movements. He would also catch his eyes often stealing glances at the other male, often silently begging for attention and when he got none, he would repeat it all over again a couple seconds later. He would also graze his fingers with Minseok and he would never skip a chance of holding onto him or hugging him or touching him.

As if Minseok was some kind of magnet and whenever he was around, Luhan was just another useless piece of metal that had no other option than let itself be pulled towards him. Against his will yet at the same time, it felt so natural.

And as much as he didn’t want to admit it, Luhan was scared.

This was something he hadn’t felt before and as many few crushes he had had, they had never been of such kind. They were more innocent, they were simpler and they were short-lived and obvious. But this, this was complicated and it had already lasted so long that even he didn’t know how long. And above all, he would often close his eyes at night to the thought of brown hair between his fingers and teeth clashing and his eyes closed, and wondering just what kind of taste Minseok’s mouth held hidden behind his plump lips.

He knew he walked over invisible lines and he was surely jumping back and forth, playing with the limits and testing waters; back and forth, back and forth. Searching for a conclusion to a problem he still could not word.

And one night, Luhan had stayed up late, waiting for his mother to come back home and for once, he did not pretend to be asleep when she walked in. Instead, he sat on the couch, back bent and shoulders hunched, elbows propped on his thighs and head staring at the coffee table as if it had all the answers he wanted to hear—it didn’t. Thus, when he heard the door click and the light footsteps of his mother’s tired form, his head perked up with alert and the first thing he wanted to say was nothing along the lines of some sort of greeting.

“Why are you not asleep?” His mother asked and Luhan grabbed that opportunity to skip greetings altogether—he didn’t have time for that, he had to finish off his questions and lie down and think of Minseok’s hair, closed eyes and mysterious tastes he wanted to taste.

“Mom, can I ask something?”

“Wait a bit.”

Luhan didn’t want to wait, though. He doubted he would be able to ask the things he wanted before he cowered out and faked asleep again before she even came out of the shower. He wasn’t that strong and he was this close to ditching the whole idea when the bathroom door opened and out stepped his mother, dressed in her pajamas and hair wet and face without traces of make-up. At least the extra time had also worked as a chance for him to pump his confidence.

“How do you know you’re in love?”

He watched as his mother sat at the foot of the bed, sitting opposite of him, and a thoughtful expression slowly made its way to her facial characteristics. And maybe Luhan knew that the question was sudden and out of the blue, maybe a bit weird as well, but he would always trust his mother’s judgment before some random site on the internet.

“Well,” His mother started, talking slowly as she thought it through “you always want to be around them, you always stare at them and always want to touch them. Protect them from any harm and support them at their worst, help them up if they have fallen and be happy when they are happy. There are no facts about loving someone, you don’t just know. It’s until something happens that you wonder when your relationship had gone that way, or until someone points it out for you,” His mother’s lips formed a small tight smile, her eyes falling on her son’s form under half-closed eyelids. “Why do you ask?”

“Just curious,” Luhan waved it off but his mother knew better than that.

“What’s her name?”

Luhan was so close to jerking away at the sound of the word. Her. Boy, where could Luhan actually start to explain how the one who made him question himself didn’t have s and instead, had a . Her. It felt as if his mother mocked him even if she didn’t know, as if the mere situation he was in was that simple to talk about. And Luhan wished, he truly wished, that the reason to ask such a trivial thing would be some petite girl with large eyes and brunette hair and gummy smile with a round face and talents in football, instead of Minseok.

Maybe then, everything would be simpler, less frustrating to talk about and think about, more normal. After all, weren’t boys supposed to date girls?

“I’m just wondering because I have been thinking of writing some new short story. I decided to take a break from tragedy and work on some romance,” Although his mother did not look that convinced, she shrugged it off, obviously too exhausted from work to give further thought into the matter when her son didn’t want to reveal anything more.

The thing though, that saved Luhan’s sorry , was probably the fact that his mother was too busy through the day that she hadn’t noticed how he had lost whatsoever inspiration in writing months ago.

But the matter was forgotten and Luhan, for a change, did not think of Minseok when he lay on the couch. Instead, he thought of love and caring and touching and he wondered if it was possible between two guys. If it was something he could fight for tomorrow or if it was something that had no point since before the start.

**

Somewhere along the constant thinking and the worry, and the silent questions and stolen glances was that Luhan cracked. The persistent mental conflict and the mix and mess of right and wrong’s made him finally break and when he knew he was so close to hitting the ground from mental exhaustion, he turned to the only person he could trust.

He and Sehun were sitting on a bench, eyes staring off the distance at the flickering lights of the distant city and for once, Luhan had managed to escape Baekhyun’s constant tailing. For once, it was just him and Sehun, enjoying the silence and the peace during the fading day under pairs of dark sunglasses and sipping on a bottle of water.

And as much as they stretched the silence, both knew that there was some purpose in this meeting, a reason behind the request Luhan had made in chat and some cause that made him ask for someone to hear him out. And Sehun was there, just for him, to listen everything through and give advice to a matter that probably he could not help. At least he can be there to help me if I break.

“Sehun,” Luh