Walking in the pelting rain, Lay let his tears of sadness flow down his cheeks. Thunder roared in the dark grey skies above hinting the arrival of a larger downpour. Plucking his earphones into his ears, he turned his MP3 volume full blast, silencing the world around him. His heart ached as he recalled his breakup earlier. “Why does this have to happen to me? Why did she have to leave me?” Gulping down his fourth bottle of soju, Lay swayed slightly before dropping down on the pavement beneath him. Standing back up, he continued to sway as he trod forward, unsure of his destination.

을 뻗으면 닿을 수 있게 
So I can touch you when I hold out my hand
그대 내게 멀리 가지 마세요 
Please don’t go too far away from me
누굴 찾고 있나요 
Who are you looking for?
그대만 기다리는 사람 
When the person who only waits for you
여기에 여기 있는데 
Is right here, right here
 

/ ding dong ding dong /

               Suho was looking at pictures of his crush, Lay when his doorbell rang continuously. “That’s weird. Who is that ringing at this late hour?”  Putting on his t-shirt, he went towards his door, opening it slowly before a man collapsed on him. “Yah! W-Who are y-… Lay?” Carrying the drunken man on his back, Suho went towards his bedroom. He gently plop Lay on his bed as he stared at his crush, before his shook his head.

               Suho went towards his cupboard, searching for a set of pyjamas for Lay. “What happened to you, Lay? Why are you all drunk and soaked like this?” Peeling Lay’s wet t-shirt and pants off; Suho breathed hard as his eyes came across Lay’s fair and white chest and legs. “And now he’s tempting me with his body.. Haishh!” Suho grumbled softly towards himself as he helped Lay into his spare set of pyjamas. Caressing his crush’s forehead, Suho grew worried as Lay’s temperature was high. Running towards the washroom, Suho grabbed a damp towel, rushing back to dab Lay’s hot body. “Lay ah.. What’s wrong with you? Why are you like this?”

               Anxious, Suho sat right beside Lay as Lay slept, his feverish body against Suho’s thigh. “You know, I was just thinking about you when you collapsed at my doorstep. I’ve always have feelings for you but I’ve never found the courage to tell you or our other members for fear you will all look at me weird. Well, who can possibly accept that their leader is gay right? And worst, their leader has a crush on one of their members? But I’m telling you now since you can’t possibly be conscious enough to hear my thoughts.” Suho babbled by himself with Lay by his side. Caressing Lay’s cheeks, Suho smiled as he secretly planted a kiss on the younger male’s lips.

내가 지켜줄 사람 
The person who I should protect
나만 바라볼 사람 
The person who only looks at me
저 달을 보며 매일 기도해요 
I pray to the moon for that person every day
날 사랑하는 오직 한 사람 
The one and only person who loves me
 

               Lay awoke to find Suho sleeping next to him, his strong arms around his smaller body. Sitting up, he rubbed his sleepy eyes and groaned at the bad headache, result from his excessive drinking last night. “Oh, Lay, you’re up? How are you feeling today? Better? Do you need medication? Are you hungry? Hyung will make you some porridge, is that okay?” Suho talked continuously by himself, all the while paying even the smallest of attention to his crush in front of him. Lay stared at his leader, pulled the cover off him and walked quietly towards the living room, ignoring Suho completely. The older male frowned as his heart ached due to the silent treatment given by the younger male. “Did I angered him? What did I do wrong?”

               Lay sat on the sofa of the living room with his legs crammed towards his body. He sighed as flashbacks of the events that happened last night rushed through his mind. Tears welled up in his eyes as he struggled to stop them from falling. Grabbing his mobile phone, he dialled the number of his girlfriend only to be connected to the voice mailbox. Frustrated, he threw his mobile phone across the room, missing Suho’s head by an inch. “Lay, p-please don’t do this. Tell me, what’s wrong? Hyung will listen, I promise.” Suho sat beside Lay as he looked at Lay worriedly. Tears welled up Lay’s eyes again and this time Lay couldn’t stop them from flowing in time. Suho’s eyes went wide in shocked when the younger male cried suddenly right in front of him. “Lay? Hyung’s here. It’s alright.” Suho went towards Lay, hugging him tightly, patting his back, easing his sadness.

               “I-It hurts.. s-so much! It hurts so much that I feel like dying!!!” Lay screamed out at last, his tears soaking Suho’s plain t-shirt. Suho was at a loss of words. There he was, the love of his life, his own group member, his little brother, sobbing in front of him. Something must have triggered it. The Lay he knew was a shy and quiet man. Gentle at heart and even in his actions. In his eyes, the Lay he knew was quiet, mysterious and emotionally strong, never shedding even a tear since staying together 3 years ago. His other members were practically sobbing from time to time due to the overwhelming stress piled over them. Their never ending schedules, pushing them to all parts of the world with no time to rest. Yet, Lay was strong. So strong that it was him who comforted the other members alongside Suho and Xiumin. Come to think of it, this was the first time he saw Lay sobbing, being so fragile, being just like a little brother to him.

               “H-Hyung.. I must be a r-really bad man right? That she had to leave me. She said that I wasn’t there for her enough. She said I flew outstation too much. She said that I-..” Lay went unconscious again, shocking Suho for the second time. “L-Lay? Yahh.. Are you okay?” Suho held onto Lay, gently lying him down on his sofa. Lay’s fever was back. His temperature rose again, this time it was a lot higher than before. Placing a thermometer into Lay’s left ear, the thermometer beeped after a few seconds, recording Lay’s temperature to a whooping 40 degrees Celsius. “Let’s go to the hospital okay? Your fever isn’t getting better. Now, you’re getting me worried.” Suho caressed Lay’s forehead once more before he rushed towards the bedroom, putting a jumper and tracksuit on.

사랑해요 그대 한 사람 
I love you, the one person
사랑해요 그대 한 사람 
I love you, the one person
내가 미칠듯이 사랑했던 단 한 사람 
The only one person that I crazily loved
하늘에서 비가 내리고 달이 뜨면 그대 올까요 
If the rain falls from the sky and the moon rises, will you come?
내 모든걸 다 가져간 한 사람 
The one person who has all of me

/ beep beep beep beep /

               The monitors beeped as it recorded Lay’s heartbeat and vitals. Suho sat right beside Lay’s bed, holding his hands, waiting for the sleeping younger male to wake up. “He’s doing alright. He’s just really weak and it’s fortunate that you brought him here early or else he would have suffered from hyperthermia. We will continue to monitor him from time to time.” The doctor’s advice kept ringing in Suho’s mind. Suho sighed softly, feeling useless. His lifetime crush was lying weak before him and yet he had no way to make him feel better. No amount of comfort given by him could soothe Lay, making him feel better. The worst was that he felt unwanted. How could it be that Lay has never seen how much he wants him to be a part of his life? How much it hurts to see Lay suffering by himself yet trying so hard to keep his lips sealed.

               “If only you knew how much I loved you Lay. If only you knew how much I wished for you to be with me, within my reach, so that I’ll be able to hug you every night and wake up to your cute dimple smiles every morning. If you knew how much it hurts to see you lying right here. If only you knew. If only you would give me a chance, to prove that we both can still be happy. I’m sorry that I love you but I really want you for myself. Call me selfish but when you cried earlier because some unworthy girl left you, a part of me was hurting because you were hurting. But a part of me was happy and excited, as I know, with the girl leaving your side; a chance for me to be with you is here.” Suho talked by himself, expressing his deepest emotions as he dabbed a damp towel on Lay’s forehead and hands, attempting to lower his temperature. Little did he know that Lay was awake, listening to all the dark secrets that were currently pouring out from the leader’s little heart. Lay was shocked when he heard his leader’s secret love confession to him. His heart pounded so hard, it felt as though it was about to jump out of his throat. But Lay felt so worn out, so out of energy, he barely had the strength to even open his eyes. The monitor beeped irregularly, puzzling Suho. “Lay? Are you alright? D-Did you hear what I had just said?” Suho stared at Lay silent for some time and shrugged as Lay gave no response. “Maybe it’s just me, being all anxious?” Suho sighed in relief. Pecking Lay’s forehead gently, Suho left the room, going home to get some clothes and supplies for his crush.

그댈 찾을 때 까지 계속 걸어와 줘요 
Until I find you, keep walking to me

내가 그대만의 빛이 될게요 
I will be only your light
 

               Lay opened his eyes the next day, to find Suho next to him, asleep with his hands folded beneath his head. Suho woke up as he felt gentle movements made by the younger male. “Oh, you’re awake. Feeling better?” Suho kept in mind to not blabber so much this time and sat down quietly, next to Lay, staring straight at him. “Yes hyung.” Lay replied softly, his eyes avoiding Suho’s as his thoughts flashed back to what Suho had said the night before. Suho sat a little closer, hanging his arms around Lay’s back. “I made porridge. To be exact, I made your favourite chicken porridge. Have some will you?” Suho smiled as he poured a small amount of porridge into an empty bowl. Lay faked a weak smile at his leader, taking the bowl from his hands as an act of respect. He was afraid, unsure of how to face his gentle leader whom all these while he thought was single because he was a workaholic, always putting work before relationships. Never did he know or even expect for a single moment, that he was the cause to his gentle leader not starting a relationship with anybody.

               Suho was a gentle leader. He had charming looks, a dazzling smile and tens of girls going after him at a single time. All these while, when the other members questioned him on why he hadn’t even tried to start a relationship with any of the girls who confessed to him, his answer was always “I believe I should work harder at the moment. It’s much too soon for us to idle and forget the hard work we have put in, in order to stand here today.” There you have it, the ideal answer every leader of a group would give to their group mates. Lay couldn’t come to a conclusion as to why his leader would have feelings towards him. To say that he was the most handsome one in EXO, it couldn’t be. There’s Xiumin with his ever young looking features and Kai who is always the spotlight in EXO when it comes to good looks. To say that his voice is melodious, that would be a lie as Suho himself was better at singing if compared to him. Not to forget the other EXO popular vocal line members, Luhan, Baekhyun, Chen and D.O. So why would Suho even fall for him?

               “Lay? LAY!!” Suho called out, a little louder this time, looking at Lay and his untouched bowl of porridge. “Y-Yes hyung?” Lay snapped out of his thoughts and stared at his leader, blinking a few times. A spoonful of porridge entered his mouth and he forced himself to swallow it, giving Suho a smile as soon as the porridge enters his oesophagus. “How is the porridge? Good?” Suho asked as he took a bite from Lay’s bowl. Lay stared at Suho and noticed that the leader was at the verge of throwing up the porridge that has just entered his mouth. “Urgh.. L-Lay? How on Earth did you swallow that hot salty porridge in one gulp?” Suho was coughing when he had finally swallowed the porridge. Taking away the bowl from Lay, he sat beside Lay, rubbing his back gently. That gesture sent goosebumps crawling all over Lay’s body. “H-Hyung, p-please stop! D-Don’t touch me!” Lay pushed the older male’s hands away from him, immediately wrapping the blanket around his body. “O-Okay, I’m sorry Lay. I w-won’t touch you.” Suho muttered, moving away from Lay slowly. “I want to leave the hospital. I want to go home!” Lay said coldly, the blanket still wrapped tight around his body.

내가 지켜줄 사람 
The person who I should protect
나만 바라볼 사람 
The person who only looks at me
저 달을 보며 매일 기도해요 
I pray to the moon for that person every day
날 사랑하는 오직 한 사람 
The one and only person who loves me
 

사랑해요 그대 한 사람 
I love you, the one person
사랑해요 그대 한 사람 
I love you, the one person
내가 미칠듯이 사랑했던 단 한 사람 
The only one person that I crazily loved
하늘에서 비가 내리고 달이 뜨면 그대 올까요 
If the rain falls from the sky and the moon rises, will you come?
내 모든걸 다 가져간 한 사람 
The one person who has all of me
 

               As soon as Lay reached his house, he slammed the door right in front of Suho’s face, forgetting all forms of respect and manners for the older male. Suho stood outside Lay’s house for what seemed like hours. His thoughts ran wild, thinking of all the possible things he could have done in order for Lay to be this angry and cold with him. His mind came out with nothing and he thought it was best to let Lay calm down for a couple of days, seeing how much he had suffered over the course of one night.

               Back inside his house, Lay went straight towards his room and laid flat down on his face. “I’m so sorry hyung. I didn’t mean to be rude. I just hope you get my message that I don’t think of you as a lover, in fact I don’t think it is right to have feelings for a member of the same . Hyung, you should never be a homoual. What would the other members think of you? What would the fans think of you? Yes, we do have great brotherhood when it comes to fan service, but to actually start a serious relationship together, I don’t think I am ready. I don’t think I can EVER be ready.” Lay muttered towards himself. His mind was troubled; he didn’t know what to do with this gentle leader of his. First came the breakup with his girlfriend and now even before he’s able to get his mind straight on the first problem, he has another problem to solve; the growing affection of his leader towards him.

들리나요 그대 내 목소리 들리나요 
Can you hear it? Can you hear my voice?
그대 숨결 그대 향기 다 모두 그대론데 
Your breath, your scent – they are all the same
왜 날 못 봐요 
But why can’t you see me?
 

               Day passed and soon, Lay was well enough to join the other members with their preparations for their first Shanghai concert. Lay was back to his own self, his quiet mysterious manner, only speaking when s asked for his opinions or when he had questions to ask the other members. One thing was different though, he was still cold and sensitive whenever Suho comes near him. That got Suho into a real depressed mood.

우리 사랑했던 처음부터 시작할래요 
Shall we start from the beginning when we used to love?
내가 그대 빛이 돼 주고    내가 그대 달이 돼 주면 
If I can be your light and if I become your moon
그땐 그대 한번 볼 수 있을까요 
Then will I be able to see you once?
 

               Months passed but Lay remained cold towards him, occasionally opening up to him only when they are being watched by fans or by other members. Often, Lay would stay away from Suho, avoiding every possible means of communication between them. Suho could no longer stand the cold treatment from his Chinese member, so he decided he should confront the younger male on the issue, the sooner the better. He was desperate in finding the opportunity, in order to settle this painful feeling once and for all. Mustering up his courage, he called out for Lay, telling him to meet him at their changing rooms. Lay, realizing that many eyes were looking, had to obey his leader’s order. Slowly, he walked towards the changing room, anxiety building inside him.

               Suho looked up, watching Lay as he entered the changing room. Suho gestured for Lay to sit down, his tone in a serious manner. “I’m guessing that your cold actions towards me for the past few months were due to the fact that you overheard all my dark secret confessions towards you. I know it’s wrong but I have no thought of changing how I feel towards you. If you feel uncomfortable, I’m sorry and I would do only what’s appropriate as a leader towards you, one of my members. I hope you do not misunderstand my intentions and I am clearly aware that you have no feelings towards you. Probably the fact that I’m a homoual has already disgust you to a whole new level, but I hope you would still be able to understand my feelings. My love for you is sincere. I do not hope for you to love me back but to just be like how you used to be around me. The good old times when we could tease each other and poke each other at the waist in a funny manner. I missed those days. Lastly, I thank you for never spilling this fact about me to the other members. I appreciate how you are always looking after my status and all. Thank you. Lastly, this is a song for you. You don’t have to say anything, you don’t even have to listen to this, if you feel uncomfortable but this is the last present that I can give you. I hope you would accept it.” Placing the CD in Lay’s hands, Suho walked out of the changing room, determined to start a new beginning. His heart ached so much, but he knew in order to keep EXO in line, there are things that has to be done. Things that had to be forgotten and things that had to be let go. He was a leader for a reason, and that was to make sure that despite all hardships, EXO was to stay together. He couldn’t be the selfish leader whom only cared for his personal feelings. If letting go of his love for Lay would create a stronger EXO, no matter how painful, he had to do it.

내게 하나뿐인 그대 한 사람
The one and only person for me

               Back at home, after EXO’s concert in Shanghai, Lay was clearing up his bag when he came across the CD that Suho had given him earlier. Putting the CD into the CD player, Lay pressed the play button and a sad melody floated to his ears. “You are the one and only person for me.”